Re: Why do we feel the need to...

[Guest guest]

In one of my classes in Grad school we learned a bit about the

book " The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense " by Suzette Haden Elgin.

The part I remember the most (except for when *I* am feeling

attacked - then I forget it) is that when you feel you are being

attacked:

1. Don't counter-attack

2. Don't get pushed into defending yourself

3. Stand in your own integrity.

I don't have the book anymore - but she had all kinds of neat ideas

for handling attacks gracefully...

The one I remember most is the one where instead of defending

yourself (which actually often spurs even more attacks - or more

viscious ones) is to put it back on the attacker to defend THEIR

attack. Ask for more specific information. Ask for clarification...

etc.

Sometimes they will drop the attack. But something to also keep in

mind is that often the person doing the attacking DOES have something

somewhat valid to say.. they are just saying it in an unhealthy way.

And putting it back on them - in a graceful way - can often help

guide them to discuss whatever issue they have with you in a more

honest and constructive way.

Yes. Sometimes the attack may escalate. Yet it usually will if you

counter attack or defend yourself.

And sometimes they realize their attack has no merit - and drop it.

And sometimes it helps lead to more honest, healthy communication

between you.

This works with real people. Not sure if you should try it on nada

(but the book probably has ideas that will work with nadas too).

Free

> > I find it ironic that when someone feels *attacked* they attack

> the

> > person they feel attacked them, by telling them how wrong they

are

> > for attacking them.....huh??

> > Why is it that we (ppl in general) have a hard time letting

others

> > have their opinion without taking it personally? Even if they are

> > saying negative things about our religion, our political views,

> etc.

> > why can't we let them have their opinion without attacking? Do we

> > feel the need to defend our beliefs? I honestly wonder. I am not

> > trying to shame anyone because I don't view any of it as good or

> bad,

> > or right or wrong, just simply expression. But I would like any

> > feedback about why we feel the need to defend/attack. Thanks,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Excellent advice. Worth practicing on the rest of the world. I try

to do this. As I started to feel better about myself, I was more

comfortable with giving others the benefit of the doubt. I know it

doesn't work on my nada, however. I am just a curious person, and so

I very often ask people to tell me why, or tell me more, cause I

really want to understand why they think the way they do....and I

certainly learn alot from this. With nada, I never got a response.

Sometimes she just looked glazed, sometimes she sputtered, and

occasionally she resorted to, " Well if you don't understand,

explaining it won't help. " Over the past few years, I found myself

more often asking her to explain what she means. I found out it was

an effective way to get her to stop talking! And, I am starting to

realize that I was playing some mind games with her. (Oh, I'm bad! -

Or, was I just showing to nada that I am a person who thinks about

what was said, looks for reasoning behind statements, and that I was

no longer going to just sit in silence, which gave implied agreement?

Hey...I might be on to something here.)

> In one of my classes in Grad school we learned a bit about the

> book " The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense " by Suzette Haden

Elgin.

> The part I remember the most (except for when *I* am feeling

> attacked - then I forget it) is that when you feel you are being

> attacked:

> 1. Don't counter-attack

> 2. Don't get pushed into defending yourself

> 3. Stand in your own integrity.

>

> I don't have the book anymore - but she had all kinds of neat ideas

> for handling attacks gracefully...

>

> The one I remember most is the one where instead of defending

> yourself (which actually often spurs even more attacks - or more

> viscious ones) is to put it back on the attacker to defend THEIR

> attack. Ask for more specific information. Ask for clarification...

> etc.

>

> Sometimes they will drop the attack. But something to also keep in

> mind is that often the person doing the attacking DOES have

something

> somewhat valid to say.. they are just saying it in an unhealthy

way.

> And putting it back on them - in a graceful way - can often help

> guide them to discuss whatever issue they have with you in a more

> honest and constructive way.

>

> Yes. Sometimes the attack may escalate. Yet it usually will if you

> counter attack or defend yourself.

>

> And sometimes they realize their attack has no merit - and drop it.

>

> And sometimes it helps lead to more honest, healthy communication

> between you.

>

> This works with real people. Not sure if you should try it on nada

> (but the book probably has ideas that will work with nadas too).

>

> Free

[Guest guest]

Suzette Haden Elgin is one of my heroes. Her most recent book is Peacetalk

101, an allegorical tale of a very disturbed man who is helped through

conversations with a homeless man he meets riding the bus.

Her Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense turned into a series of about 12

books. She also has a feminist Science Fiction trilogy, called Native Tongue.

Best wishes,

BabaClay

At 11:59 PM 3/13/2004, you wrote:

>In one of my classes in Grad school we learned a bit about the

>book " The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense " by Suzette Haden Elgin.

>The part I remember the most (except for when *I* am feeling

>attacked - then I forget it) is that when you feel you are being

>attacked:

>1. Don't counter-attack

>2. Don't get pushed into defending yourself

>3. Stand in your own integrity.

>

>I don't have the book anymore - but she had all kinds of neat ideas

>for handling attacks gracefully...

>

>The one I remember most is the one where instead of defending

>yourself (which actually often spurs even more attacks - or more

>viscious ones) is to put it back on the attacker to defend THEIR

>attack. Ask for more specific information. Ask for clarification...

>etc.

>

>Sometimes they will drop the attack. But something to also keep in

>mind is that often the person doing the attacking DOES have something

>somewhat valid to say.. they are just saying it in an unhealthy way.

>And putting it back on them - in a graceful way - can often help

>guide them to discuss whatever issue they have with you in a more

>honest and constructive way.

>

>Yes. Sometimes the attack may escalate. Yet it usually will if you

>counter attack or defend yourself.

>

>And sometimes they realize their attack has no merit - and drop it.

>

>And sometimes it helps lead to more honest, healthy communication

>between you.

>

>This works with real people. Not sure if you should try it on nada

>(but the book probably has ideas that will work with nadas too).

>

>Free

>

>

> > > I find it ironic that when someone feels *attacked* they attack

> > the

> > > person they feel attacked them, by telling them how wrong they

>are

> > > for attacking them.....huh??

> > > Why is it that we (ppl in general) have a hard time letting

>others

> > > have their opinion without taking it personally? Even if they are

> > > saying negative things about our religion, our political views,

> > etc.

> > > why can't we let them have their opinion without attacking? Do we

> > > feel the need to defend our beliefs? I honestly wonder. I am not

> > > trying to shame anyone because I don't view any of it as good or

> > bad,

> > > or right or wrong, just simply expression. But I would like any

> > > feedback about why we feel the need to defend/attack. Thanks,

>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Free,

I couldn't agree more with those notes you posted which is why I

don't always respond at the instance I feel something b/c nada

conditioned me to respond w/anger/defensiveness to so much of life

that I often know my first reaction may not be a legit one for the

current issue at hand if that makes sense. I like, no need to, step

back a lot of times and gain composure on the situation and then

respond. But I agree w/the notion of not needing to defend certain

things. The irony is that this topic is on religion and I often

don't feel the need to defend as much as apologize (meaning explain

from the apologetics) my stance as I find it absurd that God of all

entities would need me to defend Him/Her/It. And so while it is a

knee-jerk response for me to defend or want to counter-attacki

(which I'm growing out of that desire a lot the more I grow in my

healing and faith), I like to be able to pray on things before I

speak. Man, it has helped me so many times when arguing w/dh to just

shut up, pray and ask God to give me the words dh needs to hear and

then speak something that isn't exactly what I had in mind to say.

It amazes me really but I'm not so evolved all the time as to be so

detached though in theory that is the best way to resolve conflict.

Kerrie

> > > I find it ironic that when someone feels *attacked* they

attack

> > the

> > > person they feel attacked them, by telling them how wrong they

> are

> > > for attacking them.....huh??

> > > Why is it that we (ppl in general) have a hard time letting

> others

> > > have their opinion without taking it personally? Even if they

are

> > > saying negative things about our religion, our political

views,

> > etc.

> > > why can't we let them have their opinion without attacking? Do

we

> > > feel the need to defend our beliefs? I honestly wonder. I am

not

> > > trying to shame anyone because I don't view any of it as good

or

> > bad,

> > > or right or wrong, just simply expression. But I would like

any

> > > feedback about why we feel the need to defend/attack. Thanks,

>

> >

> >

> >