Guest guest Posted March 20, 2005 Report Share Posted March 20, 2005 I really like what you said about separating your feelings out from nada's feelings. I think I have trouble doing that right now. I don't always go around constantly obessing about how she feels - but when the waters get rough - I start riding the waves..and yeah..I guess take responsibility for her feelings - even if I know I didn't cause them..if that makes any sense. I know I am not aware of this much of the time - but even if I know there is NO reasonable basis for her feelings - and that her feelings are not pinned on me - I still tend to tune right into them. I guess we have been trained to stop everything when she is having chaotic feelings and join in feeling them too....hoping they will go away. I also find the part about your nada using guilt to get what she wants - as she thinks it is wrong to directly ask for things. I think I have gotten snowed lots of times into being manipulated - and then resenting it - and then feeling guilty for resenting it because the manipulation seems so unintentional - as an afterthought. In fact so much of it seems pretty normal when looked at from another direction.. So I FEEL one thing - but then when I look at it - it seems like something else has happened....so I start questioning my own perceptions and my own sanity... Gee...I wonder where my self-doubt comes from. As to calling your nada. I don't know what to tell you on that. I am sorry - I was AWOL from the group for awhile so I am not all the way up to the present with your no contact situation. Does No COntact mean absolutely no contact....or has there been some limited contact from time to time. If you set the boundary of No Contact and she violated that by dropping by your house - then are you sure you want to call her, even to tell her that you don't want her doing that? If she wants contact - and you call her after she disregards your boundary - then did she use violating your boundary to manipulate you into re-establishing contact? Has part of the No Contact allowed her to leave you messages on your answering machine? If not, is she using this to get permission to contact you in that way? By all means call her if you think it is best. Or you might even want to wait a couple of days to call her...so she doesn't get the benefit of an immediate reaction. Or drop her a note. Again, I'm not very knowledgable of the exact situation - so calling her RIGHT NOW might be JUST the right thing to do in this case. I just kind of throwing some thoughts out. Free > > hello everyone, > > My nada stopped by my home today. Fortunately for me, I was napping > in my room. My son talked to her, and I didn't hear a thing. Later > he told me she stopped by (I'm sure my dad drove her over) to invite > us to her house for Easter dinner. And he said she wanted to make it > clear that I was invited too. > > This happened 3.5 hours ago. The time is important to me, because I > am noticing how much faster I am processing my reactions to her. > > My first reaction was guilt. Guilt for making nada feel bad. Guilt > for not being able to find that ONE thing to do to make everything > right. This is old stuff repeating itself. And it resurfaces first, > and I have to quickly reprocess it at times to get myself back to > where I am now. > > And I also felt bad about the fact that my son had to be involved in > this too. And that is when I started getting angry. I know how well > my nada used guilt to make people do what she wants. She would never > directly ask for anything, because she thinks only selfish people do > that. And she likes to think of herself as a self-sacrificing > saint. But between her rages and her guilt inducing, she does get > what she wants. > > But recently I have been working on this with my therapist. I am > still enmeshed with nada until I get over this. And I am finally > understanding my feelings more. I thought the guilt that I felt was > also how nada felt, and I believe that I could not separate those > feelings, this was part of the enmeshment, that I thought our > feelings were the same. Once I could finally recognize that the > guilt really was my feeling only, not hers, I realized that I just > had to deal with how my guilt made me feel, not bear nada's feelings > too. Well, with this understanding, 1/2 of my pain was now gone. I > just have to deal with my own pain, not nada's. > > My dad stopped by at Valentine's day, and after his visit, I wondered > if he had done that at nada's direction. With her visit now, I think > that was the case. She was sending him out to test the waters. > > She doesn't need to make a trip to our house to send invitations. > She has my son's cell phone number, and she could have left me a > message on my answering machine. She knows I have been a big chicken > about confronting her face to face - it's that guilt stuff that I am > just now getting over. So her stopping by was just manipulation. > > I am so mad now that I could spit! I am going to call her and tell > her that I don't want any more messages from her through other > people. She can leave a message on my machine if she has to talk to > me. I'm going to write down what I want to say, so that I get my > message across. > > Just wanted to touch base with my KO family before I do this. Even > though I have been in NC for 1.5 years, I have always been worried > about what I would do if she would press the issue. Well, now I am > finding out. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2005 Report Share Posted March 20, 2005 Hi Sylvia, I think this is a good plan. Get all your thoughts strainght before confronting her. Especially since she's pushing every button she can this makes it more difficult. I feel for you. I too wonder what will happen when I have Nada contact because I feel so calm and in control now but they have a way of bringing back the FOG and quickly making everything unravel. Just remeber we're all here for you. You've come a long way. Stay strong. cntbreathe > So her stopping by was just manipulation. > > I am so mad now that I could spit! I am going to call her and tell > her that I don't want any more messages from her through other > people. She can leave a message on my machine if she has to talk to > me. I'm going to write down what I want to say, so that I get my > message across. > > Just wanted to touch base with my KO family before I do this. Even > though I have been in NC for 1.5 years, I have always been worried > about what I would do if she would press the issue. Well, now I am > finding out. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2005 Report Share Posted March 20, 2005 Hi Sylvia, I think this is a good plan. Get all your thoughts strainght before confronting her. Especially since she's pushing every button she can this makes it more difficult. I feel for you. I too wonder what will happen when I have Nada contact because I feel so calm and in control now but they have a way of bringing back the FOG and quickly making everything unravel. Just remeber we're all here for you. You've come a long way. Stay strong. cntbreathe > So her stopping by was just manipulation. > > I am so mad now that I could spit! I am going to call her and tell > her that I don't want any more messages from her through other > people. She can leave a message on my machine if she has to talk to > me. I'm going to write down what I want to say, so that I get my > message across. > > Just wanted to touch base with my KO family before I do this. Even > though I have been in NC for 1.5 years, I have always been worried > about what I would do if she would press the issue. Well, now I am > finding out. > > Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2005 Report Share Posted March 20, 2005 Hi Sylvia, My fog radar picked this up ---> " she wanted to make it clear that I was invited too " <--- THE last straw for me too was when nada involved my children with her 'invitations' to join the 'I'm putting your mom down but let's all act like it is noble of me to invite her at all' game. WHAT is a kid to do when their grandmother says such a thing to them...that an 'invitation' needs such clarification? I'm sure that your son just stood their, speechless, as mine did when confronted with such a confusion of messages. You are thinking clearly, strong, and maintaining a healthy atmosphere in resisting this manipulation. Imagine me standing right there beside you when you call her, my sister of choice. Carol In a message dated 3/20/2005 2:37:58 PM Pacific Standard Time, smhtrain2@... writes: hello everyone, My nada stopped by my home today. Fortunately for me, I was napping in my room. My son talked to her, and I didn't hear a thing. Later he told me she stopped by (I'm sure my dad drove her over) to invite us to her house for Easter dinner. And he said she wanted to make it clear that I was invited too. This happened 3.5 hours ago. The time is important to me, because I am noticing how much faster I am processing my reactions to her. My first reaction was guilt. Guilt for making nada feel bad. Guilt for not being able to find that ONE thing to do to make everything right. This is old stuff repeating itself. And it resurfaces first, and I have to quickly reprocess it at times to get myself back to where I am now. And I also felt bad about the fact that my son had to be involved in this too. And that is when I started getting angry. I know how well my nada used guilt to make people do what she wants. She would never directly ask for anything, because she thinks only selfish people do that. And she likes to think of herself as a self-sacrificing saint. But between her rages and her guilt inducing, she does get what she wants. But recently I have been working on this with my therapist. I am still enmeshed with nada until I get over this. And I am finally understanding my feelings more. I thought the guilt that I felt was also how nada felt, and I believe that I could not separate those feelings, this was part of the enmeshment, that I thought our feelings were the same. Once I could finally recognize that the guilt really was my feeling only, not hers, I realized that I just had to deal with how my guilt made me feel, not bear nada's feelings too. Well, with this understanding, 1/2 of my pain was now gone. I just have to deal with my own pain, not nada's. My dad stopped by at Valentine's day, and after his visit, I wondered if he had done that at nada's direction. With her visit now, I think that was the case. She was sending him out to test the waters. She doesn't need to make a trip to our house to send invitations. She has my son's cell phone number, and she could have left me a message on my answering machine. She knows I have been a big chicken about confronting her face to face - it's that guilt stuff that I am just now getting over. So her stopping by was just manipulation. I am so mad now that I could spit! I am going to call her and tell her that I don't want any more messages from her through other people. She can leave a message on my machine if she has to talk to me. I'm going to write down what I want to say, so that I get my message across. Just wanted to touch base with my KO family before I do this. Even though I have been in NC for 1.5 years, I have always been worried about what I would do if she would press the issue. Well, now I am finding out. Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2005 Report Share Posted March 20, 2005 Hello Sylvia, What if you and your immediate family made other plans? Would it give you a sense of empowerment saying thank you, but no? Maybe, you ought to try. Love Ymad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2005 Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Hi Sylvia, > The time is important to me, because I am noticing how much faster >I am processing my reactions to her. I think it's definitely a healthy sign when we begin to process these reactions faster. I still tend to get very FOGged until I can recognize it and pull myself out of it, and that's usually measured in days (it used to be weeks). That you can measure yours in hours - wow! And good idea about keeping actual track of the time it takes. > I am so mad now that I could spit! I am going to call her and >tell her that I don't want any more messages from her through >other people. She can leave a message on my machine if she has to >talk to me. I'm going to write down what I want to say, so that I >get my message across. It sounds like you've got a solid plan in place! This is one of those things that drives me insane, my nada loves to triangulate, too. I think this was the very first boundary I ever put up, way before I knew about all this stuff, to refuse to be a " nada messenger " . Unfortunately she's got plenty of other people to do her bidding for her. Good luck, be strong, and we're all behind you! Just picture all of us KOs standing in your living room, cheering you on . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2005 Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Sylvia, I am so sorry about this. It makes me angry that they leave us with this whirlwind of emotion and analysis while they trot off with nothing in their own heads. Whatever you decide to do will be okay. Please don't worry too much. Her response won't change your good intentions. Ivorysoap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.