Feeling Provoked (rant)

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I haven't been on-list in a few months; I've been feeling pretty

good about stuff and concentrating on my present/future instead of

my past. But, as per usual, nada strikes again, and I'm struggling

with anger/fear issues again.

A little background: I'm not on speaking terms with nada, I haven't

been for some time now. Over Christmas I made the HUGE mistake of

sending a " house gift " to her residence, for the sake of two younger

brothers stuck with her over the holidays. Well, according to them,

she flew into a rage over the package and threw it out unopened.

Since then, I've been getting calls from her friends - I screen my

calls so they never get me on the phone, but I've started feeling

hypervigilant again - not answering the door, being very aware of

strangers, etc. Also the tidal wave dreams have started up again.

For the most part, though, I feel that I've been handling that stuff

better than usual. At least my physical health hasn't suffered too

much.

Then last Friday, I get a package in the mail. It's a 30+ page

document including pictures of her (confirming my suspicions that

I'd still feel sick if I saw her again), pictures of me as a baby

(with her), bible verses about " love " and " forgiveness " , and the

scariest cartoon figures I've ever seen singing about " sticking it

out through thick and thin " .

I threw it out, and managed not to think about it too much over the

weekend. But today I'm feeling angry about it. Knowing about BPD I

can almost follow her line of reasoning - the gift I sent over

Christmas made her feel bad/guilty (because she didn't send me

anything), but since guilt is an unnaceptable emotion for her, in

the months that followed she turned it around on me, split me bad,

and decided to send her " wayward " daughter a " loving " message. Ick,

ick, ick.

I feel like lashing out at her. I know I can't do this, because

she's trying to get a response out of me, and she'll use any

response against me (I think she prefers a bad response because it

makes her a martyr). But I can't stand that she's so abusive to

other people and then hides " blameless " behind a candy-coated

version of religion. I think that makes her criminally insane.

Thanks for listening - ranting here takes away some of the

temptation to do something irrational (like contact her).

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia!

I'm feeling better today. It's really nice to know I've got friends

here, I think sharing nada stuff with people who " get it " makes all

the difference .

As for nada's motives... who knows. As far as I'm concerned we're

the experts in the whole BPD thing, and even with that it's hard to

understand her. From my experience though, whenever the predominant

bad feeling is guilt, nada seems to go with the " God is Love and so

am I " attitude, I guess because if she pictures herself as God's

right hand then she can absolve her guilt and be blameless, and thus

feel better.

Any other bad feeling, especially if something happens to make her

look bad in front of other people, and she goes with the hate/rage

stuff. When she's being confronted she'll sometimes switch between

the two (which is scary to watch, a good/evil war in a single

person).

Then again, now that I've outlined it I'm sure it'll change .

Anyway, thanks as always for your kind words!

> >

> > Hi All,

> >

> > I haven't been on-list in a few months; I've been feeling pretty

> > good about stuff and concentrating on my present/future instead

of

> > my past. But, as per usual, nada strikes again, and I'm

struggling

> > with anger/fear issues again.

> >

> > A little background: I'm not on speaking terms with nada, I

haven't

> > been for some time now. Over Christmas I made the HUGE mistake

of

> > sending a " house gift " to her residence, for the sake of two

> younger

> > brothers stuck with her over the holidays. Well, according to

them,

> > she flew into a rage over the package and threw it out unopened.

> >

> > Since then, I've been getting calls from her friends - I screen

my

> > calls so they never get me on the phone, but I've started

feeling

> > hypervigilant again - not answering the door, being very aware

of

> > strangers, etc. Also the tidal wave dreams have started up

again.

> > For the most part, though, I feel that I've been handling that

> stuff

> > better than usual. At least my physical health hasn't suffered

too

> > much.

> >

> > Then last Friday, I get a package in the mail. It's a 30+ page

> > document including pictures of her (confirming my suspicions

that

> > I'd still feel sick if I saw her again), pictures of me as a

baby

> > (with her), bible verses about " love " and " forgiveness " , and the

> > scariest cartoon figures I've ever seen singing about " sticking

it

> > out through thick and thin " .

> >

> > I threw it out, and managed not to think about it too much over

the

> > weekend. But today I'm feeling angry about it. Knowing about BPD

I

> > can almost follow her line of reasoning - the gift I sent over

> > Christmas made her feel bad/guilty (because she didn't send me

> > anything), but since guilt is an unnaceptable emotion for her,

in

> > the months that followed she turned it around on me, split me

bad,

> > and decided to send her " wayward " daughter a " loving " message.

Ick,

> > ick, ick.

> >

> > I feel like lashing out at her. I know I can't do this, because

> > she's trying to get a response out of me, and she'll use any

> > response against me (I think she prefers a bad response because

it

> > makes her a martyr). But I can't stand that she's so abusive to

> > other people and then hides " blameless " behind a candy-coated

> > version of religion. I think that makes her criminally insane.

> >

> > Thanks for listening - ranting here takes away some of the

> > temptation to do something irrational (like contact her).

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia!

I'm feeling better today. It's really nice to know I've got friends

here, I think sharing nada stuff with people who " get it " makes all

the difference .

As for nada's motives... who knows. As far as I'm concerned we're

the experts in the whole BPD thing, and even with that it's hard to

understand her. From my experience though, whenever the predominant

bad feeling is guilt, nada seems to go with the " God is Love and so

am I " attitude, I guess because if she pictures herself as God's

right hand then she can absolve her guilt and be blameless, and thus

feel better.

Any other bad feeling, especially if something happens to make her

look bad in front of other people, and she goes with the hate/rage

stuff. When she's being confronted she'll sometimes switch between

the two (which is scary to watch, a good/evil war in a single

person).

Then again, now that I've outlined it I'm sure it'll change .

Anyway, thanks as always for your kind words!

> >

> > Hi All,

> >

> > I haven't been on-list in a few months; I've been feeling pretty

> > good about stuff and concentrating on my present/future instead

of

> > my past. But, as per usual, nada strikes again, and I'm

struggling

> > with anger/fear issues again.

> >

> > A little background: I'm not on speaking terms with nada, I

haven't

> > been for some time now. Over Christmas I made the HUGE mistake

of

> > sending a " house gift " to her residence, for the sake of two

> younger

> > brothers stuck with her over the holidays. Well, according to

them,

> > she flew into a rage over the package and threw it out unopened.

> >

> > Since then, I've been getting calls from her friends - I screen

my

> > calls so they never get me on the phone, but I've started

feeling

> > hypervigilant again - not answering the door, being very aware

of

> > strangers, etc. Also the tidal wave dreams have started up

again.

> > For the most part, though, I feel that I've been handling that

> stuff

> > better than usual. At least my physical health hasn't suffered

too

> > much.

> >

> > Then last Friday, I get a package in the mail. It's a 30+ page

> > document including pictures of her (confirming my suspicions

that

> > I'd still feel sick if I saw her again), pictures of me as a

baby

> > (with her), bible verses about " love " and " forgiveness " , and the

> > scariest cartoon figures I've ever seen singing about " sticking

it

> > out through thick and thin " .

> >

> > I threw it out, and managed not to think about it too much over

the

> > weekend. But today I'm feeling angry about it. Knowing about BPD

I

> > can almost follow her line of reasoning - the gift I sent over

> > Christmas made her feel bad/guilty (because she didn't send me

> > anything), but since guilt is an unnaceptable emotion for her,

in

> > the months that followed she turned it around on me, split me

bad,

> > and decided to send her " wayward " daughter a " loving " message.

Ick,

> > ick, ick.

> >

> > I feel like lashing out at her. I know I can't do this, because

> > she's trying to get a response out of me, and she'll use any

> > response against me (I think she prefers a bad response because

it

> > makes her a martyr). But I can't stand that she's so abusive to

> > other people and then hides " blameless " behind a candy-coated

> > version of religion. I think that makes her criminally insane.

> >

> > Thanks for listening - ranting here takes away some of the

> > temptation to do something irrational (like contact her).

> >

> >