Guest guest Posted April 4, 2004 Report Share Posted April 4, 2004 Dear Onnie, First of all, a great big, and long hug {{{Onnie}}}. Please make time to soothe yourself. Since nada doesn't know how to treat her children, you will have to take over for her in that area. Many of us like bubble baths, scented candles, music, and then there is chocolate! LOL! And there may be other things that you are aware of work well for you. Being humiliated by our nadas will always cause pain. It helps to know they are BP, because that helps us get over thinking it is our fault. I think it was wise not to confront her at the shower. Although it was very painful for you, you were still able to remember that there were other people who would also be affected and you didn't want to ruin the day for them. (Definitely a non-nada action!) You are probably right in why nada is acting that way. With nadas, it's all about them. And as soon as they start to feel they may have done something wrong (whether true or not) they will look for someone to put the blame on. My daughter is 29 and unmarried. Her grandnada acts like your nada. She thinks my daughter should stop all this foolishness (moving to NYC and going to school for her masters and PHD). The foolishness being, in nada's mind, anything that goes outside of the type of life nada has. These women don't understand that there are so many more opportunities for women, and our worth is no longer tied to the 'catch' of a husband. Trying to negotiate boundaries with nadas is very difficult. If the nada doesn't want to admit to her behavior, then it may be impossible. I have only seen my nada 5 time in the last 1.5 years. Two of those times were because she stopped by to see me. I haven't seen her at all since last October, and currently don't intend to, except for a family event in June that I won't miss. I am already worrying about how I will be affected by it, as being with nada also affects me physically. Learning about BPD and connecting it to nada can be overwhelming. In the book " Surviving a Borderline Parent " , the author mentions that many KOs go into a depression at this time. That happened to me also. I think it is important for you to put yourself and your needs first at this time, and only deal with as much as you feel comfortable dealing with. It will all come together - eventually. But it does take time. Keep on posting all you want. That is why this board is here. Be kind & gentle to yourself, Sylvia > thank you so much to all of you on this list who offered support. I > wouldn't usually post so much in one day. It's just this is all so > new to me. Today was the first time I ever witnessed my nada in > action, knowing about her illness. In a way it was wonderful, to > understand and to be free. But it didn't make the pain very much > less at the time. This event was a family bridal shower, and I am > much older than the bride, but still single. Recently, something in > nada has made her begin to suspect that it is her fault my sister > and I have both had trouble becoming involved in close > relationships. Both of us are in our 30s, and single. And nada has > started to notice, and freak out into defensive mode. So now, her > deal is, whenever we are in public, she has started (in so many > words), calling me an 'old maid' whenever and wherever she can, and > saying she has given up on grandchildren. So all the bridesmaids > were pulling charms from the cake, and she yelled out for me not to > pull one, because I was going to get the shoe, the 'old maid' > charm. She did this twice. I was not in a position to confront her > without ruining my cousin's shower for her, my aunts and my > grandmother. Even if I had confronted her, she would not have > understood, but would have projected it back on me somehow. It was > a terrible, terrible moment, her ridiculing me. I actually pulled > baby shoes, which supposedly mean I'll have the next child, but she > yelled out, look, you got the shoe! Ridiculing me mercilessly in > front of everyone. It was a tremendously painful moment. More than > painful--crippling. Of course it was preceded by criticism of every > aspect of my appearance--my hair, my shoes, and my supposedly yellow > teeth. My sister, who is traditionally split good, even noticed it > and asked what was wrong with her today? This was supposed to be a > happy event for my cousin; she cannot know what torture nada > insisted on making it for me. Using it to prove how ugly I was, and > that I was an old maid and destined to never marry myself. It is > pointless, all of this. There is so much to do in the world, people > to help and things to improve and enjoy, and dealing with stuff like > this is unjust--it is a tragic waste of time and energy. > > I don't know how I am going to learn to deal with situations such as > this one. I am only starting to think whether I should tell me > father, even tell my nada what she has. What kind of boundaries > could I possibly negotiate, with someone who completely denies that > anything she says is even criticism? > > Anyway though, I survived, and I UNDERSTOOD what was happening, for > the first time in my life. It was also pretty scary though because > now that I know, I could see in her eyes, that she was crazy. For > someone who has believed there was a mother there all along > somewhere, this is a very scary thing. And it is also terrifying, > to honestly pity your mother, for the first time. > > Nonetheless, I prefer all of that, to crying myself to sleep, > fighting not to believe all the things she wants me to! > > Thanks again everyone > Onnie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 7, 2004 Report Share Posted April 7, 2004 OMG, that's what my brother does to me! makes belittling, humiliating comments to me/about me in front of others. and if i protest, he says i can't take a joke! > thank you so much to all of you on this list who offered support. I > wouldn't usually post so much in one day. It's just this is all so > new to me. Today was the first time I ever witnessed my nada in > action, knowing about her illness. In a way it was wonderful, to > understand and to be free. But it didn't make the pain very much > less at the time. This event was a family bridal shower, and I am > much older than the bride, but still single. Recently, something in > nada has made her begin to suspect that it is her fault my sister > and I have both had trouble becoming involved in close > relationships. Both of us are in our 30s, and single. And nada has > started to notice, and freak out into defensive mode. So now, her > deal is, whenever we are in public, she has started (in so many > words), calling me an 'old maid' whenever and wherever she can, and > saying she has given up on grandchildren. So all the bridesmaids > were pulling charms from the cake, and she yelled out for me not to > pull one, because I was going to get the shoe, the 'old maid' > charm. She did this twice. I was not in a position to confront her > without ruining my cousin's shower for her, my aunts and my > grandmother. Even if I had confronted her, she would not have > understood, but would have projected it back on me somehow. It was > a terrible, terrible moment, her ridiculing me. I actually pulled > baby shoes, which supposedly mean I'll have the next child, but she > yelled out, look, you got the shoe! Ridiculing me mercilessly in > front of everyone. It was a tremendously painful moment. More than > painful--crippling. Of course it was preceded by criticism of every > aspect of my appearance--my hair, my shoes, and my supposedly yellow > teeth. My sister, who is traditionally split good, even noticed it > and asked what was wrong with her today? This was supposed to be a > happy event for my cousin; she cannot know what torture nada > insisted on making it for me. Using it to prove how ugly I was, and > that I was an old maid and destined to never marry myself. It is > pointless, all of this. There is so much to do in the world, people > to help and things to improve and enjoy, and dealing with stuff like > this is unjust--it is a tragic waste of time and energy. > > I don't know how I am going to learn to deal with situations such as > this one. I am only starting to think whether I should tell me > father, even tell my nada what she has. What kind of boundaries > could I possibly negotiate, with someone who completely denies that > anything she says is even criticism? > > Anyway though, I survived, and I UNDERSTOOD what was happening, for > the first time in my life. It was also pretty scary though because > now that I know, I could see in her eyes, that she was crazy. For > someone who has believed there was a mother there all along > somewhere, this is a very scary thing. And it is also terrifying, > to honestly pity your mother, for the first time. > > Nonetheless, I prefer all of that, to crying myself to sleep, > fighting not to believe all the things she wants me to! > > Thanks again everyone > Onnie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2004 Report Share Posted April 8, 2004 > OMG, that's what my brother does to me! makes belittling, humiliating > comments to me/about me in front of others. and if i protest, he says > i can't take a joke! > I have this same experience and he's not really joking. It's his unresolved childhood and current hurts coming out anyway they can. He married someone like his mother so there is no hope of resolution, just more belittlement from his spouse that utimately comes out at me. I have a deep sense of sadness for him, knowing that he is desperate for acceptance. I am allways kind to him and try to complement him whenever possible, but he still sometimes falls back to the old ways. I suppose that siblings and nadas/fadas sometimes behave worse than friends because they know we can't really leave their lives without great cost. Sometimes you have to insist on respect or stay away from them. I let it go if it's private and not too severe, knowing that he still thinks of me as an easier target and I won't reject him like a(soon to be) ex-friend(I really don't care anymore). If a severe belittlement I'll let him know that he is the only person in my life who speaks to me that way and I won't allow it. If it's public, I'll repeat it calmly back to him, e.g., " You think I'm stupid because? " and let him finish the sentence. Relatives and friends know who I am and when distortions occur it reflects on him. There hasn't been a public outburst for years. If your brother cares what others think, maybe this can work for you. Perhaps the time will come when he gets an overview of what happened to him as a child and how it is affecting his life. When he wants to change it, you may be able to help him heal from his wounds in relative safety. Anyway, the problem isn't caused by you - the very fact that you're not responding in kind means you're the healthy one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2004 Report Share Posted April 8, 2004 > OMG, that's what my brother does to me! makes belittling, humiliating > comments to me/about me in front of others. and if i protest, he says > i can't take a joke! > I have this same experience and he's not really joking. It's his unresolved childhood and current hurts coming out anyway they can. He married someone like his mother so there is no hope of resolution, just more belittlement from his spouse that utimately comes out at me. I have a deep sense of sadness for him, knowing that he is desperate for acceptance. I am allways kind to him and try to complement him whenever possible, but he still sometimes falls back to the old ways. I suppose that siblings and nadas/fadas sometimes behave worse than friends because they know we can't really leave their lives without great cost. Sometimes you have to insist on respect or stay away from them. I let it go if it's private and not too severe, knowing that he still thinks of me as an easier target and I won't reject him like a(soon to be) ex-friend(I really don't care anymore). If a severe belittlement I'll let him know that he is the only person in my life who speaks to me that way and I won't allow it. If it's public, I'll repeat it calmly back to him, e.g., " You think I'm stupid because? " and let him finish the sentence. Relatives and friends know who I am and when distortions occur it reflects on him. There hasn't been a public outburst for years. If your brother cares what others think, maybe this can work for you. Perhaps the time will come when he gets an overview of what happened to him as a child and how it is affecting his life. When he wants to change it, you may be able to help him heal from his wounds in relative safety. Anyway, the problem isn't caused by you - the very fact that you're not responding in kind means you're the healthy one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2004 Report Share Posted April 8, 2004 My ex-husband did the same. One of his famous quotes about me was " The problem with you is you have NO sense of humor. " LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL What a joke!!! Free > OMG, that's what my brother does to me! makes belittling, humiliating > comments to me/about me in front of others. and if i protest, he says > i can't take a joke! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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