Re: changing emotional reflexes

[Guest guest]

> These are such reflex connections in my brain.

> Does anyone else have this problem?

Yes.

> How have you worked through it?

I haven't.

> I know that on a certain level its just a matter

> of thinking a different way.

No, I think it is a matter of feeling in a different way. I have

worked on this so long, without result, I just have to consider that

it is a permanent handicap.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

mentalflosser wrote:

> one of the things I'm running into problems with lately is coming to

> terms with the fact that when other people have disagreements with

> me, it's not the same as my mother having a disagreement with me.

>

> For instance, my fiance and I will have an arguement and he'll come

> away just thinking " okay, glad we worked through that and came to a

> decision that's best for both of us. " and I'll come away feeling

> like he hates me now.

>

> I don't know how to train myself out of the idea that

> disagreement=prelude to demise or that raised voice=I'm in deep shit

> and will be getting the silent treatment for a day or so.

>

> These are such reflex connections in my brain. Does anyone else have

> this problem? How have you worked through it? I know that on a

> certain level its just a matter of thinking a different way. which

> sounds really easy. but at the same time it's like trying to train

> myself to react emotionally differently to a smile and it seems

> impossible.

Edith here...

Yes! Yes! My hand is up.

These are BPD 'fleas' (ie, ways of thinking/behaving) that we KOs have

acquired (ie, learned) from having been 'raised' by a nada. But, stuff

that KOs have learned can be unlearned. Not so with our nadas.

The first step is for the KO to be able to recognize what they're doing

and then classify that behavior/response into BPD-flea categories such

as the following (SWOE, p 57-59):

Splitting - seeing things/objects/events as 'all good' OR 'all bad'

Denial - denying reality (ie, " It didn't happen that way... " )

Projection - sticking the blame/shame stuff onto someone else.

Rationalization - includes telling little white lies and re-writing

history

Although its not in the above list, I think my worst BPD flea was my

'oversteering' flea -- ie, being over-controlling. Nadas are so fearful

of losing control of their emotional tipsy-turvy world that they

overcontrol. I remember vividly the day I stopped mid-sentence and

killed that flea dead on the spot -- it was when I was talking with son

and recognized what I was doing. That was in the pre-SWOE days but I'd

read the word 'oversteering' in the 56-page booklet (WOE, Walking On

Eggshells) that preceeded SWOE and that Randi had co-written and

published in mid-1996. I first learned about BPD in January of that year.

That was the beginning of my working on re-writing all the scripts in my

head that I'd learned from having spent my first 18 years in isolation

with my BPnada and all those following decades with my BPhubby. I was my

nada's parentified caretaker - a role I was assigned by her before I was

born. She trained me well to enable both her and my BPhubby who I

married at 20 yo. The dysfunctional FOO made my BPhubby's dysfunction

feel comfortable. Its like I was born/raised/trained to serve BPs, NPDs,

etc. I thought for all those years that I was born to serve others.

Setting boundaries, by learning to say the word " No " (nicely), helped me

to overcome that nada crap.

Around the same time (end of 1996) was when I asked myself why I HATED

brown bread. As childen, my sister and I were never allowed to have

choices. For one example, we were never allowed to eat white bread. From

the time I walked out of their house on my 18th birthday, I'd not eaten

a slice of brown bread for the next several decades. Then came that day

in 1996 that I decided to find out if *I* really HATED brown bread. So I

bought a loaf of brown bread at the store and made myself a sandwich.

Walla! *I* liked it. Hey ho, I'd even 'split' brown bread into 'all bad'

but challenging that thought was life-changing.

Its nice to have choices.

- Edith

Doing summersaults ...

[Guest guest]

thank you so much Edith and the other poster upthread with the

worksheets! I'm going to print out a crap load of those worksheets. I

can't say enough how great it is to have people who know what I'm

talking about. just reading this board goes a long way to reminding

me that mom-actions AREN'T normal and that I'm not crazy for trying

to live my life another way.

>

> > one of the things I'm running into problems with lately is coming

to

> > terms with the fact that when other people have disagreements

with

> > me, it's not the same as my mother having a disagreement with me.

> >

> > For instance, my fiance and I will have an arguement and he'll

come

> > away just thinking " okay, glad we worked through that and came to

a

> > decision that's best for both of us. " and I'll come away feeling

> > like he hates me now.

> >

> > I don't know how to train myself out of the idea that

> > disagreement=prelude to demise or that raised voice=I'm in deep

shit

> > and will be getting the silent treatment for a day or so.

> >

> > These are such reflex connections in my brain. Does anyone else

have

> > this problem? How have you worked through it? I know that on a

> > certain level its just a matter of thinking a different way.

which

> > sounds really easy. but at the same time it's like trying to

train

> > myself to react emotionally differently to a smile and it seems

> > impossible.

>

> Edith here...

>

> Yes! Yes! My hand is up.

>

> These are BPD 'fleas' (ie, ways of thinking/behaving) that we KOs

have

> acquired (ie, learned) from having been 'raised' by a nada. But,

stuff

> that KOs have learned can be unlearned. Not so with our nadas.

>

> The first step is for the KO to be able to recognize what they're

doing

> and then classify that behavior/response into BPD-flea categories

such

> as the following (SWOE, p 57-59):

> Splitting - seeing things/objects/events as 'all good' OR 'all

bad'

> Denial - denying reality (ie, " It didn't happen that way... " )

> Projection - sticking the blame/shame stuff onto someone else.

> Rationalization - includes telling little white lies and re-

writing

> history

>

> Although its not in the above list, I think my worst BPD flea was

my

> 'oversteering' flea -- ie, being over-controlling. Nadas are so

fearful

> of losing control of their emotional tipsy-turvy world that they

> overcontrol. I remember vividly the day I stopped mid-sentence and

> killed that flea dead on the spot -- it was when I was talking with

son

> and recognized what I was doing. That was in the pre-SWOE days but

I'd

> read the word 'oversteering' in the 56-page booklet (WOE, Walking

On

> Eggshells) that preceeded SWOE and that Randi had co-written and

> published in mid-1996. I first learned about BPD in January of that

year.

>

> That was the beginning of my working on re-writing all the scripts

in my

> head that I'd learned from having spent my first 18 years in

isolation

> with my BPnada and all those following decades with my BPhubby. I

was my

> nada's parentified caretaker - a role I was assigned by her before

I was

> born. She trained me well to enable both her and my BPhubby who I

> married at 20 yo. The dysfunctional FOO made my BPhubby's

dysfunction

> feel comfortable. Its like I was born/raised/trained to serve BPs,

NPDs,

> etc. I thought for all those years that I was born to serve others.

> Setting boundaries, by learning to say the word " No " (nicely),

helped me

> to overcome that nada crap.

>

> Around the same time (end of 1996) was when I asked myself why I

HATED

> brown bread. As childen, my sister and I were never allowed to have

> choices. For one example, we were never allowed to eat white bread.

From

> the time I walked out of their house on my 18th birthday, I'd not

eaten

> a slice of brown bread for the next several decades. Then came that

day

> in 1996 that I decided to find out if *I* really HATED brown bread.

So I

> bought a loaf of brown bread at the store and made myself a

sandwich.

> Walla! *I* liked it. Hey ho, I'd even 'split' brown bread into 'all

bad'

> but challenging that thought was life-changing.

>

> Its nice to have choices.

>

> - Edith

> Doing summersaults ...