Re: Help! I need to be pointed in the right direction!

[Guest guest]

> try symbology of Jesus rebirth

Helpful even if you aren't Christian. Another helpful thing is the

Catholic attitude towards . Pray to instead of to Nada.

The Memorare is extraordinarily powerful for me.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

> I want radical surgery in favor of the slow and painful process of

>radiation. Incisions heal faster than burns and cell damage...

> The most troubling of my issues is my split between theoretical

>understanding and executing change... I can sit and use imagery

>all day long and feel wonderful, but a trip to the family doctor or

>contesting a billing error or deciding on an activity or making any

>choice from a position that honors my own wants and even basic

>needs creates tremendous anxiety. I give mental assent to

>posessing basic and defendable rights, but I cant break the barrier

>to make them a part of anything other than my thought life.

What I'm hearing in this (and please forgive me if I'm way off) is

that you want to " hurry up " with the healing process, you want to

find solid, concrete steps on how to move from point A to point B

and then just DO it. I was stuck spinning my wheels at exactly that

place for the longest time. The problem for me was basically that I

was attacking the healing process in the same way that I dealt with

everything else in my life, which is to think it through, find a

logical way to process it, and then be done with it. I wanted to

find a book or a website to tell me what to do. Logical processing

works for lots of stuff, solves lots of problems in the everyday

life. But there's another component in the KO healing process that

logic won't even touch, and that's the emotional part. Knowing in

the head is not the same as knowing in the heart, and knowing in the

heart takes it's own sweet time. A while back someone (I think it

was either Free or Edith) called this process " staring at the wall " ,

and I think it's a good description. You have to wait until your

heart absorbs what your mind knows, and that just simply takes time.

A full year later and I'm still staring at the wall, although I'm

noticing some small changes nowadays - I'm beginning to feel better

physically, I have fewer nightmares, and just thinking about nada

doesn't give me migraines anymore.

Having said that, you mentioned that making any choice for yourself

gives you tremendous anxiety. Perhaps you're not ready to do that

yet, or perhaps the choices you're looking at are too large? You

mentioned seeing a therapist - that, IMO, is a huge step in the

right direction. The fact that you post here is a choice to get

input to work towards being healthier. Sometimes the way to handle

fear about choices (and believe me, I know that fear) is to take

very small steps, or to acknowledge that you're already taking those

small steps, and to celebrate them.

One book I found helpful in dealing with the stress of making

decisions was " Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway " - not sure if it

applies in your specific situation, but it helped me to view making

decisions in a different light, i.e. there are no " right " or " wrong "

decisions, only different experiences in life, and different paths

to take.

[Guest guest]

, if you want something concrete, try covey seven habits.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

<snip>

> Everything in life tends to converge on these core issues of KO

> life and all about this time of year. It's very overwhelming,

> especially with the gift of a new life in a new environment

> that's safe and affirming. As many of you responded, this process

> is labor intensive and tiring, and getting over fleas takes time.

> I want radical surgery in favor of the slow and painful process of

> radiation. Incisions heal faster than burns and cell damage.

Yes, but they often create more permanent deformity on the outside

as well as the inside! I hear in this a desperate need to end your

pain and frustration. It makes me want to give you (both the " now "

you and the " small you back in the living with Nada days " you) an

enormous hug.

> The most troubling of my issues is my split between theoretical

> understanding and executing change. After my therapy session on

> Monday am, my therapist mirrored that I am comfortable with all

> of these thoughts and theories, but because I have no personal

> rights (all to be subjugated to another-- right now only nada

> so ultra focused), I get frozen. I am terrified by choice (almost

> every little thing feels like a critical choice between vicim and

> victor) and I have similar problems even looking in a mirror that

> does not mirror back the habitually comfortable reflection of

> nada's projections.

This could have been me writing this! I have noticed two key factors

in KOs being terrified by choice. (I am speaking here both from my

own personal experience, and from experiences that other KOs have

shared with me both on and off the list. This is not all stuff that

I have seen documented in " authoritative " sources, just some of my

personal theories. So if there's value in them, great, if not, just

ignore.)

One is that in Nada's world there were no right answers; her

responses to our choices were random and triggered by stuff in her

head that had nothing to do with us. So, we never got " reality

checks " and learned that our own judgement was totally

untrustworthy. We would use the same criteria that worked last time

to make a choice, and this time, for no apparent reason, Nada would

come down on us like a (non-mythical) WMD. And we are still

suffering the fallout!

The second is that the very fact of our being seen to MAKE a choice

would piss Nada off. I remember once when I was in a state of total

" paralysis " with regard to just getting on with my life, my therapist

asked me what I was afraid of, and I answered " I am afraid my mother

will catch me being real. And she'll obliterate every real thing

about me that she sees. " I think that the BP is so desperate to fill

her/his own inner emptiness that visible realness on the part of

anybody else, especially her/his own child (i.e. creation/property)

is a tremendous threat. And of course that both creates great

difficulty with decision-making and reinforces the " I have no

rights " message. I remember a seminal moment when I was 19 when

I realised that some part of me believe that I actually existed

to serve my mother.

> I roll into therapy like it's some session with a school advisor

> where I describe how I worked to meet the objectives of the course

> as if my whole life were some class. It pulls out the old feelings

> that I am sick and should do everything that I can to get better

asap.

I have noticed that even after many years with my therapist, I still

catch myself seeking her approval. I want her to be the good mother

I never had. I wonder if something like this is going on with you...?

It is totally understandable that we are still searching for a set

of " rules " to follow, the " formula " for being a good girl so that we

will finally be loved and accepted, or at least granted the right to

take up space on the planet! But the catch is that as long as we

are searching for a set of externally-imposed rules to follow, we

are not listening to our hearts. And the heart that is crying out

but unheard is the source of tremendous psychic pain. We will never

find a " formula " that comes in a book or website or therapist for

being true to ourselves. Each of us has a unique soul's voice, and

we can only hear it by cultivating an inner silence.

<snip>

> I give mental assent to posessing basic and defendable rights, but

> I cant break the barrier to make them a part of anything other

> than my thought life.

<snip>

To me there is an element of circular reasoning in the struggles you

are describing. It is like you are saying " I need to love myself

more, but I am unworthy of loving myself because I have not been able

to love myself perfectly today. " I know that's both an exaggeration

and oversimplification, but your post reminded me of the times (I

still have them, although they are not so frequent or intense) when I

would get caught in beating myself up because I couldn't stop

beating myself up. And, of course, Nada reinforced this really

well -- she hated me so much less when she could see that I was

hating myself. One of the things I discovered in my " inner work "

was that as a child I actually believed that if I could just hate

myself enough, then Nada would love me. And I tried very, very

hard to achieve that -- with disastrous and very nearly fatal

results.

The other thing I hear is that you have *intellectual* knowledge but

you feel like a failure because it is not instantly translated into

action. Somebody else has mentioned the " staring at the wall "

metaphor in this context, and in my personal experience it always

takes time for what you absorb intellectually to seep into us to

the point where we feel it viscerally and emotionally. And

sometimes before we can fully achieve a soul-knowing, a lot of

repressed pain needs to come out and be dealt with along the way.

Last week posted a beautiful quote that I liked so much

I printed it out and stuck it on my monitor. Here it is again.

There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of

a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To

the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the

soul.

Arnold (1867-1931)

I think that your dream about Nada dragging you off to visit

untrustworthy preachers and psychics is fascinating. I wonder if

it isn't an indicator that some part of you is still searching for

an alternative to the bad spirituality that you learned from Nada,

but you are afraid of losing yourself in the process. And that's

a legitimate fear, because you and I both know first-hand how

psychically damaging misguided religion can be.

But there are a lot of " inner healing " things that might help

you ground and internalize the intellectual knowledge

that you have gained in your therapy. Just simply allowing

yourself time and quiet, or meditation, or even prayer to

YOUR higher power (not your Nada's!).

I have observed that when people (myself included) get beyond

" mind-knowing " to " soul-knowing " , then their new

understanding manifests in their " active life " without their

having to make a big, conscious effort. That new " tools " just

fall naturally to hand, and almost to our surprise we are using

them to build a better life, both on the inside and the outside.

Hugs,