Re: Adoptoin Di

[Guest guest]

Hi Di,

My 11 year old Daughter is also adopted. I worry about abandonment

issues with her. Only occasionally does she say something about it.

I also feel badly because she is from another country that does not

allow searching for you birthparent. I keep telling her that maybe

by the time she's old enough this will change. I'm always sure to

tell her each time we talk about it that this was probably the most

difficult decision her birth mother ever made in her life and that

she just wanted what was best for her. I don't know how she

internalizes that but sometimes I am concerned about it.

I never really knew my grandmother (probably a Nada too) because of

language barriers but I do wonder if this whole Nada thing started

with my great grandma (I'm guessing probably a (Nada). She grew up

in an orphanage in Europe. One of her daughters married a man who

physically and mentally tortured thier 4 children. I was lucky (if

you can call it that) because on my side of the family there was only

the emotional abuse.

I just think the abandonment issues are really at the core of all of

this. Do you worry about the abandonment issues with your son?

cntbreathe

" if you are adopted and your biological parent(s)

> reject you, its a one time thing, and you mourn it and move on "

>

> It's me again, Jeanine...guess I have my adoption advocate hat on

> right now- there is a lot of adoption in my family and I have been

> involved in several adoption groups, so I can't help but answer

this

> query.

>

> There are some adoptees who will mourn the rejection and move on,

> but usually it is a lifelong process that is dealt with differently

> at different ages/stages. Our son is adopted, and he knows all

about

> his adoption and it is an open topic in our home. He (at age 10)

has

> moments of sadness where he " mourns " not knowing his birthmother.

He

> knows that we will one day help him search for her, but he still

has

> these periods of sadness. We then talk about why she might have

made

> the choice to place him and we talk about how wanted he was in our

> family- how we had waited a long time to be parents and how joyful

> we and all of our friends and family were at his arrival. He also

> knows several foster children who he sees waiting for a forever

> family and he, of course, wants to bring them all home.

>

> Now, take my Nada. She was adopted at birth. Found out about her

> adoption by her taunting, meanie older brother. She has HUGE

> abandonment issues and HUGE issues related to being rejected by her

> birthmother. She still, in her 60's, has HUGE issues about the pain

> she feels over being adopted. She had a loving, caring set of

> parents, who had some issues, but loved her to peices. She has even

> yelled at me that I have no idea of what it's like, to feel the

> pain, etc... But remember, she is the nada that kept me from having

> ANY contact with my birthfather and his entire extended family for

> my entire childhood, well into adulthood. I even knew where he

lived

> as a teen, but god forbid, I abandon nada and cause her such pain

as

> to seek him out. I didn't kknow about BPD then.

>

> Adoption has changed over the years. Folks I know who have had open

> adoptions, where they had some type of relationship with their

> birthfamilies while growing up in an adoptive family, are much less

> likely to have any rejection issues.

>

> Whew, that went a bit long. Thanks for hanging in there and reading

> it all. I do understand how you feel about your Fada- he was there,

> but not really there for you, and all you feel you share is common

> genetic features. I think that a lot of us KO's feel that way.

>

> Di.