Re: New - mother with BPD

[Guest guest]

>>

Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

thing to do?>>

****Its completely reasonable. As I was told, you must focus on whats

best for yourself and your family. Don't worry about " hurting " your

nada. You've been hurt enough by her. I have completely cut contact

with my nada and the rest of my family. That may seem drastic, but my

family has a grand total of 13 people associted with it. Plus, I have

never had a special bond with any of them. I had seem them maybe 5-7

times a year...tops. Not very close, so not very hard. The hardest

was letting my immediately family go. You begin to feel like you are

doing something wrong and are betraying them. But thats not what

you're doing. You're putting your life in order in a way that is best

for you and your family. Its not easy, and you'll need guidance and

support. I fortunately have a great fiancee and a great group of

friends that have helped me. Hope this helps and hang in there

[Guest guest]

>>

Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

thing to do?>>

****Its completely reasonable. As I was told, you must focus on whats

best for yourself and your family. Don't worry about " hurting " your

nada. You've been hurt enough by her. I have completely cut contact

with my nada and the rest of my family. That may seem drastic, but my

family has a grand total of 13 people associted with it. Plus, I have

never had a special bond with any of them. I had seem them maybe 5-7

times a year...tops. Not very close, so not very hard. The hardest

was letting my immediately family go. You begin to feel like you are

doing something wrong and are betraying them. But thats not what

you're doing. You're putting your life in order in a way that is best

for you and your family. Its not easy, and you'll need guidance and

support. I fortunately have a great fiancee and a great group of

friends that have helped me. Hope this helps and hang in there

[Guest guest]

>>

Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

thing to do?>>

****Its completely reasonable. As I was told, you must focus on whats

best for yourself and your family. Don't worry about " hurting " your

nada. You've been hurt enough by her. I have completely cut contact

with my nada and the rest of my family. That may seem drastic, but my

family has a grand total of 13 people associted with it. Plus, I have

never had a special bond with any of them. I had seem them maybe 5-7

times a year...tops. Not very close, so not very hard. The hardest

was letting my immediately family go. You begin to feel like you are

doing something wrong and are betraying them. But thats not what

you're doing. You're putting your life in order in a way that is best

for you and your family. Its not easy, and you'll need guidance and

support. I fortunately have a great fiancee and a great group of

friends that have helped me. Hope this helps and hang in there

[Guest guest]

--- In ModOasis , " " ......>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life?

***Yes

Is it a reasonableth ing to do?

***Yes

>

> +JMJ+

****Hello and welcome to the board. As far as your mother having

other problems as well as BPD, that can definitely be the case. What

I have read is that BPD is seldom stand-alone, there are usually

other conditions as well.

Removing the BP parent from your life may cause some (or alot) of

emotional grief, as you grieve the loss of the parent you really

never had, and finally recognize how you were raised and its impact

on you. BPD use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to get others to do

what they want. Sounds like your mother does that with her 'pity me'

phone calls and the other messages she has sent. She is emotionally

stuck at a very young age, and so is looking for attention the way a

child would. But in an adult, that is more than inappropriate, and

it is not as easy to handle. And, of course, there are all the other

behaviors and comments that cause so many problems as well.

I stopped talking to my nada 2.5 years ago (unofficially) and 1.5

years ago officially. I had some big internal struggles because of

that, but I was very aware that not only was it the right thing for

me to do....I was at a point that it was the only thing I could do

and still remain sane myself. What precipatated it all for me was

taking care of my grown daughter while she was recovering from cancer

surgery, and my nada (our word for 'not a mother') having a temper

tantrum because she didn't like something that someone (I think it

was me) said or did. Boy, was that ever a turning point for me.

If your mother is talking to your young child as she has to her

children, that is also inappropriate, and you want to take care of

those dear children.

Keep posting here - it is a great source of support.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

--- In ModOasis , " " ......>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life?

***Yes

Is it a reasonableth ing to do?

***Yes

>

> +JMJ+

****Hello and welcome to the board. As far as your mother having

other problems as well as BPD, that can definitely be the case. What

I have read is that BPD is seldom stand-alone, there are usually

other conditions as well.

Removing the BP parent from your life may cause some (or alot) of

emotional grief, as you grieve the loss of the parent you really

never had, and finally recognize how you were raised and its impact

on you. BPD use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to get others to do

what they want. Sounds like your mother does that with her 'pity me'

phone calls and the other messages she has sent. She is emotionally

stuck at a very young age, and so is looking for attention the way a

child would. But in an adult, that is more than inappropriate, and

it is not as easy to handle. And, of course, there are all the other

behaviors and comments that cause so many problems as well.

I stopped talking to my nada 2.5 years ago (unofficially) and 1.5

years ago officially. I had some big internal struggles because of

that, but I was very aware that not only was it the right thing for

me to do....I was at a point that it was the only thing I could do

and still remain sane myself. What precipatated it all for me was

taking care of my grown daughter while she was recovering from cancer

surgery, and my nada (our word for 'not a mother') having a temper

tantrum because she didn't like something that someone (I think it

was me) said or did. Boy, was that ever a turning point for me.

If your mother is talking to your young child as she has to her

children, that is also inappropriate, and you want to take care of

those dear children.

Keep posting here - it is a great source of support.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Hi,

> I cut off my nada a couple of weeks before Christmas. We had a phone

conversation in which I told her my feelings about her judgements of me in my

life decisions. The situation was that she hates my fiance, therefore i was not

allowed to bring him to her house and she was not inviting me for holidays.

My sister then told her she was being ridiculous for not inviting me for

Christmas. So nada called and invited me and my fiance, saying that I had to

make my decisions and just come for Christmas. Had my sister not had a

lengthy conversation with her I never would have been invited.

Well, my fiance told me he wouldn't go. He didn't want to spend Christmas

with people who don't like him.

I thought about this, felt very torn and decided he was right. I put myself in

his

place and made the decision to tell nada why we were not coming. It hurt and

it was hard to do, but I know that everything I said to her was reasonable and

true. Nada didn't have too much to say, but she admitted that she hates the

fiance and doesn't want to see him, which hurt. i ended the conversation

telling her that I will never leave him for her.

Up to this point she had too much say and control over my life and it was

confusing me and I was I guess " rebelling " .

I am too old to be rebelling against a parent.

Now that there is no contact with nada I can look at my life more clearly and

make my own decisions. I am even thinking about not getting married to my

fiance, not because he is horrible and evil like nada wants him to be, but

because I am beginning to see the faults in our relationship. I am starting to

see that the relationship is one sided and I am not as happy as I could be. He

is a sweet guy, but is too dependent on me to take care of him, when he

should be doing so much more (for himself). he is emotionally unavailable

and unsupportive. He is too worried about his own needs. I know deep in my

heart that he would be a negligent father and husband.

None of this has anything to do with Nada, except for the fact that her abuse

towards me (physical and emotional abuse) my whole life has created a

woman with a very low self esteem who doesn't feel she deserves better than

a man who lives his life like a dependent child.

So you see, it is not until i cut it off with her that I am seeing this

situation more

clearly for myself.

I am stronger and smarter without her.

I saw nada in the hospital on Sunday because my father had some heart

attack symptoms. I was cordial and so was she, but I could tell she was

extremly nervous being in my presence. She called me that night to tell me

how he was doing . She offered me a piece of furniture in the conversation,

which I thought was odd. I kept the phone call brief and haven't heard from

her since. It is now Thursday and I am OK with it.

I don't know whether nada and I will reconnect in the future. If we do I know

that I have to change the ways in which I interact with her by putting up huge

walls, I don't know if I'll be able to do that yet so no contact is working for

me.

To tell you the truth, I have the bigger problem right now of making my

decision to not get married on August 6. I am incredibly sad about the reality

of my relationship with my fiance, I wanted more than anything for it to work

out, but it's not going to. Unfortunately he is living with me in my house and I

am dreading having to ask him to move out.

Do the right thing for you. I hope this story helped.

Take care

Deirdre

> >>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

> thing to do?>>

>

> ****Its completely reasonable. As I was told, you must focus on whats

> best for yourself and your family. Don't worry about " hurting " your

> nada. You've been hurt enough by her. I have completely cut contact

> with my nada and the rest of my family. That may seem drastic, but my

> family has a grand total of 13 people associted with it. Plus, I have

> never had a special bond with any of them. I had seem them maybe 5-7

> times a year...tops. Not very close, so not very hard. The hardest

> was letting my immediately family go. You begin to feel like you are

> doing something wrong and are betraying them. But thats not what

> you're doing. You're putting your life in order in a way that is best

> for you and your family. Its not easy, and you'll need guidance and

> support. I fortunately have a great fiancee and a great group of

> friends that have helped me. Hope this helps and hang in there

[Guest guest]

Hi,

> I cut off my nada a couple of weeks before Christmas. We had a phone

conversation in which I told her my feelings about her judgements of me in my

life decisions. The situation was that she hates my fiance, therefore i was not

allowed to bring him to her house and she was not inviting me for holidays.

My sister then told her she was being ridiculous for not inviting me for

Christmas. So nada called and invited me and my fiance, saying that I had to

make my decisions and just come for Christmas. Had my sister not had a

lengthy conversation with her I never would have been invited.

Well, my fiance told me he wouldn't go. He didn't want to spend Christmas

with people who don't like him.

I thought about this, felt very torn and decided he was right. I put myself in

his

place and made the decision to tell nada why we were not coming. It hurt and

it was hard to do, but I know that everything I said to her was reasonable and

true. Nada didn't have too much to say, but she admitted that she hates the

fiance and doesn't want to see him, which hurt. i ended the conversation

telling her that I will never leave him for her.

Up to this point she had too much say and control over my life and it was

confusing me and I was I guess " rebelling " .

I am too old to be rebelling against a parent.

Now that there is no contact with nada I can look at my life more clearly and

make my own decisions. I am even thinking about not getting married to my

fiance, not because he is horrible and evil like nada wants him to be, but

because I am beginning to see the faults in our relationship. I am starting to

see that the relationship is one sided and I am not as happy as I could be. He

is a sweet guy, but is too dependent on me to take care of him, when he

should be doing so much more (for himself). he is emotionally unavailable

and unsupportive. He is too worried about his own needs. I know deep in my

heart that he would be a negligent father and husband.

None of this has anything to do with Nada, except for the fact that her abuse

towards me (physical and emotional abuse) my whole life has created a

woman with a very low self esteem who doesn't feel she deserves better than

a man who lives his life like a dependent child.

So you see, it is not until i cut it off with her that I am seeing this

situation more

clearly for myself.

I am stronger and smarter without her.

I saw nada in the hospital on Sunday because my father had some heart

attack symptoms. I was cordial and so was she, but I could tell she was

extremly nervous being in my presence. She called me that night to tell me

how he was doing . She offered me a piece of furniture in the conversation,

which I thought was odd. I kept the phone call brief and haven't heard from

her since. It is now Thursday and I am OK with it.

I don't know whether nada and I will reconnect in the future. If we do I know

that I have to change the ways in which I interact with her by putting up huge

walls, I don't know if I'll be able to do that yet so no contact is working for

me.

To tell you the truth, I have the bigger problem right now of making my

decision to not get married on August 6. I am incredibly sad about the reality

of my relationship with my fiance, I wanted more than anything for it to work

out, but it's not going to. Unfortunately he is living with me in my house and I

am dreading having to ask him to move out.

Do the right thing for you. I hope this story helped.

Take care

Deirdre

> >>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

> thing to do?>>

>

> ****Its completely reasonable. As I was told, you must focus on whats

> best for yourself and your family. Don't worry about " hurting " your

> nada. You've been hurt enough by her. I have completely cut contact

> with my nada and the rest of my family. That may seem drastic, but my

> family has a grand total of 13 people associted with it. Plus, I have

> never had a special bond with any of them. I had seem them maybe 5-7

> times a year...tops. Not very close, so not very hard. The hardest

> was letting my immediately family go. You begin to feel like you are

> doing something wrong and are betraying them. But thats not what

> you're doing. You're putting your life in order in a way that is best

> for you and your family. Its not easy, and you'll need guidance and

> support. I fortunately have a great fiancee and a great group of

> friends that have helped me. Hope this helps and hang in there

[Guest guest]

Hi,

> I cut off my nada a couple of weeks before Christmas. We had a phone

conversation in which I told her my feelings about her judgements of me in my

life decisions. The situation was that she hates my fiance, therefore i was not

allowed to bring him to her house and she was not inviting me for holidays.

My sister then told her she was being ridiculous for not inviting me for

Christmas. So nada called and invited me and my fiance, saying that I had to

make my decisions and just come for Christmas. Had my sister not had a

lengthy conversation with her I never would have been invited.

Well, my fiance told me he wouldn't go. He didn't want to spend Christmas

with people who don't like him.

I thought about this, felt very torn and decided he was right. I put myself in

his

place and made the decision to tell nada why we were not coming. It hurt and

it was hard to do, but I know that everything I said to her was reasonable and

true. Nada didn't have too much to say, but she admitted that she hates the

fiance and doesn't want to see him, which hurt. i ended the conversation

telling her that I will never leave him for her.

Up to this point she had too much say and control over my life and it was

confusing me and I was I guess " rebelling " .

I am too old to be rebelling against a parent.

Now that there is no contact with nada I can look at my life more clearly and

make my own decisions. I am even thinking about not getting married to my

fiance, not because he is horrible and evil like nada wants him to be, but

because I am beginning to see the faults in our relationship. I am starting to

see that the relationship is one sided and I am not as happy as I could be. He

is a sweet guy, but is too dependent on me to take care of him, when he

should be doing so much more (for himself). he is emotionally unavailable

and unsupportive. He is too worried about his own needs. I know deep in my

heart that he would be a negligent father and husband.

None of this has anything to do with Nada, except for the fact that her abuse

towards me (physical and emotional abuse) my whole life has created a

woman with a very low self esteem who doesn't feel she deserves better than

a man who lives his life like a dependent child.

So you see, it is not until i cut it off with her that I am seeing this

situation more

clearly for myself.

I am stronger and smarter without her.

I saw nada in the hospital on Sunday because my father had some heart

attack symptoms. I was cordial and so was she, but I could tell she was

extremly nervous being in my presence. She called me that night to tell me

how he was doing . She offered me a piece of furniture in the conversation,

which I thought was odd. I kept the phone call brief and haven't heard from

her since. It is now Thursday and I am OK with it.

I don't know whether nada and I will reconnect in the future. If we do I know

that I have to change the ways in which I interact with her by putting up huge

walls, I don't know if I'll be able to do that yet so no contact is working for

me.

To tell you the truth, I have the bigger problem right now of making my

decision to not get married on August 6. I am incredibly sad about the reality

of my relationship with my fiance, I wanted more than anything for it to work

out, but it's not going to. Unfortunately he is living with me in my house and I

am dreading having to ask him to move out.

Do the right thing for you. I hope this story helped.

Take care

Deirdre

> >>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

> thing to do?>>

>

> ****Its completely reasonable. As I was told, you must focus on whats

> best for yourself and your family. Don't worry about " hurting " your

> nada. You've been hurt enough by her. I have completely cut contact

> with my nada and the rest of my family. That may seem drastic, but my

> family has a grand total of 13 people associted with it. Plus, I have

> never had a special bond with any of them. I had seem them maybe 5-7

> times a year...tops. Not very close, so not very hard. The hardest

> was letting my immediately family go. You begin to feel like you are

> doing something wrong and are betraying them. But thats not what

> you're doing. You're putting your life in order in a way that is best

> for you and your family. Its not easy, and you'll need guidance and

> support. I fortunately have a great fiancee and a great group of

> friends that have helped me. Hope this helps and hang in there

[Guest guest]

Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

> thing to do?

>

> +JMJ+

JMJ,

first of all, welcome. i have been a member of this group for a

month or two, and it is life-changing and very validating. you are

in the right place.

i am cutting my bp nada off right now, with the help of a therapist

familiar with the disorder. it is VERY hard, but my therapist tells

me that I have to save my life. So, the answer to both of your

questions is YES YES YES. Yes - alot of people have cut off the BP

in their life. the more you read and participate in this group, you

will get comfortable with actions that children of non-BPs would

call drastic/emotional. I speak from experience. and YES - it IS

reasonable.

if you haven't already, I encourage you to read Understanding the

Borderline Mother by Lawson. it changed my life. and,

earlier this week when I realized it's been almost 5 weeks since

cutting nada off and started feeling guilty/sad/like i was the crazy

one, that book reminded me of the true devastation that woman has

caused me.

also, i am the oldest daughter of 4 kids - the youngest is 16, but

us other 3 are adults. i am finally cutting nada off, though i have

gently gotten farther away from her the past 2 years. the 2nd

oldest - my brother - who has tried suicide 10 times, has cut off

the whole family. my sister lives at home and she is 22.

i decided that cutting her off was " reasonable " when my eating

disorder got out of control and my depression continued to deepen

after exposure to her. i decided that i don't want to do what my

brother did - try to escape the monster through suicide. and so i am

surviving by killing my realationship with my mother, instead of

turning inward as she taught us.

-

[Guest guest]

Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

> thing to do?

>

> +JMJ+

JMJ,

first of all, welcome. i have been a member of this group for a

month or two, and it is life-changing and very validating. you are

in the right place.

i am cutting my bp nada off right now, with the help of a therapist

familiar with the disorder. it is VERY hard, but my therapist tells

me that I have to save my life. So, the answer to both of your

questions is YES YES YES. Yes - alot of people have cut off the BP

in their life. the more you read and participate in this group, you

will get comfortable with actions that children of non-BPs would

call drastic/emotional. I speak from experience. and YES - it IS

reasonable.

if you haven't already, I encourage you to read Understanding the

Borderline Mother by Lawson. it changed my life. and,

earlier this week when I realized it's been almost 5 weeks since

cutting nada off and started feeling guilty/sad/like i was the crazy

one, that book reminded me of the true devastation that woman has

caused me.

also, i am the oldest daughter of 4 kids - the youngest is 16, but

us other 3 are adults. i am finally cutting nada off, though i have

gently gotten farther away from her the past 2 years. the 2nd

oldest - my brother - who has tried suicide 10 times, has cut off

the whole family. my sister lives at home and she is 22.

i decided that cutting her off was " reasonable " when my eating

disorder got out of control and my depression continued to deepen

after exposure to her. i decided that i don't want to do what my

brother did - try to escape the monster through suicide. and so i am

surviving by killing my realationship with my mother, instead of

turning inward as she taught us.

-

[Guest guest]

Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a reasonable

> thing to do?

>

> +JMJ+

JMJ,

first of all, welcome. i have been a member of this group for a

month or two, and it is life-changing and very validating. you are

in the right place.

i am cutting my bp nada off right now, with the help of a therapist

familiar with the disorder. it is VERY hard, but my therapist tells

me that I have to save my life. So, the answer to both of your

questions is YES YES YES. Yes - alot of people have cut off the BP

in their life. the more you read and participate in this group, you

will get comfortable with actions that children of non-BPs would

call drastic/emotional. I speak from experience. and YES - it IS

reasonable.

if you haven't already, I encourage you to read Understanding the

Borderline Mother by Lawson. it changed my life. and,

earlier this week when I realized it's been almost 5 weeks since

cutting nada off and started feeling guilty/sad/like i was the crazy

one, that book reminded me of the true devastation that woman has

caused me.

also, i am the oldest daughter of 4 kids - the youngest is 16, but

us other 3 are adults. i am finally cutting nada off, though i have

gently gotten farther away from her the past 2 years. the 2nd

oldest - my brother - who has tried suicide 10 times, has cut off

the whole family. my sister lives at home and she is 22.

i decided that cutting her off was " reasonable " when my eating

disorder got out of control and my depression continued to deepen

after exposure to her. i decided that i don't want to do what my

brother did - try to escape the monster through suicide. and so i am

surviving by killing my realationship with my mother, instead of

turning inward as she taught us.

-

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your replies. I did just pick up three more

books, " Understanding the Borderline Mother by Lawson " ,

Toxic Parents and Co-Dependent no more. I read Walking on Eggshells

and the EMotionally Abused Woman.

ALready I feel a sense of relief. I have LOTS of anger though! The

two books I read, especially WOE, kind of made me po'd in that it

seemed we need to have so much sympathy and understanding for these

people who have caused so much damage to us. I don't understand why

it is that if WE can come to the conclusion SOMETHING is wrong and

seek help for ourselves, WHY CAN'T THEY?

SOrry....but I WANT her to have consequences for all she has done.

It doesn't seem fair that we are to just understand it's a disease.

Seems like a cop-out to me. I also realize I am not very far on

this journey and perhaps the sympathy and compassion will come later

(??).

Right now my mom is gathering her forces. I have always been

the " rock " for her as she likes to say and now that I have told her

to keep away, she has clung heavily to my sister and oldest brother

(who, ordinarily she couldn't be bothered with) and contacted my

youngest brother who cut himself off from the WHOLE family.

So it's a little hard knowing that she is gathering her troops.

It's almost like ganging up. Oh well....*sigh*

+JMJ+

>

>

> Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly introduce

> myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> desparately need right now.

>

> I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she is

> undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

family.

> Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

arm's

> length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

of

> her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal and

> break the cycle of abuse.

>

> I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet I

am

> not fully certain what they are.

>

> - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> hold down a job.

> - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one day

> and another religion the next....moved from her father's house to

> get away from him to another state then moved father down there to

> be with her)

> - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out guilt

> trips.

> - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> anything.

> - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

>

> The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us. She

> was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

can

> recall.

>

> Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me. I

am

> in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of pneumonia

> and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

the

> phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't find

a

> doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

blah.

> With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't give

> her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

email

> that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

lives

> in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

the

> best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to call

> her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of grandmother

> she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

>

> I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

her

> should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she needs

to

> go through my husband.

>

> My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her off,

> yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

reasonable

> thing to do?

>

> +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your replies. I did just pick up three more

books, " Understanding the Borderline Mother by Lawson " ,

Toxic Parents and Co-Dependent no more. I read Walking on Eggshells

and the EMotionally Abused Woman.

ALready I feel a sense of relief. I have LOTS of anger though! The

two books I read, especially WOE, kind of made me po'd in that it

seemed we need to have so much sympathy and understanding for these

people who have caused so much damage to us. I don't understand why

it is that if WE can come to the conclusion SOMETHING is wrong and

seek help for ourselves, WHY CAN'T THEY?

SOrry....but I WANT her to have consequences for all she has done.

It doesn't seem fair that we are to just understand it's a disease.

Seems like a cop-out to me. I also realize I am not very far on

this journey and perhaps the sympathy and compassion will come later

(??).

Right now my mom is gathering her forces. I have always been

the " rock " for her as she likes to say and now that I have told her

to keep away, she has clung heavily to my sister and oldest brother

(who, ordinarily she couldn't be bothered with) and contacted my

youngest brother who cut himself off from the WHOLE family.

So it's a little hard knowing that she is gathering her troops.

It's almost like ganging up. Oh well....*sigh*

+JMJ+

>

>

> Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly introduce

> myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> desparately need right now.

>

> I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she is

> undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

family.

> Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

arm's

> length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

of

> her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal and

> break the cycle of abuse.

>

> I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet I

am

> not fully certain what they are.

>

> - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> hold down a job.

> - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one day

> and another religion the next....moved from her father's house to

> get away from him to another state then moved father down there to

> be with her)

> - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out guilt

> trips.

> - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> anything.

> - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

>

> The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us. She

> was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

can

> recall.

>

> Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me. I

am

> in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of pneumonia

> and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

the

> phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't find

a

> doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

blah.

> With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't give

> her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

email

> that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

lives

> in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

the

> best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to call

> her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of grandmother

> she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

>

> I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

her

> should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she needs

to

> go through my husband.

>

> My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her off,

> yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

reasonable

> thing to do?

>

> +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your replies. I did just pick up three more

books, " Understanding the Borderline Mother by Lawson " ,

Toxic Parents and Co-Dependent no more. I read Walking on Eggshells

and the EMotionally Abused Woman.

ALready I feel a sense of relief. I have LOTS of anger though! The

two books I read, especially WOE, kind of made me po'd in that it

seemed we need to have so much sympathy and understanding for these

people who have caused so much damage to us. I don't understand why

it is that if WE can come to the conclusion SOMETHING is wrong and

seek help for ourselves, WHY CAN'T THEY?

SOrry....but I WANT her to have consequences for all she has done.

It doesn't seem fair that we are to just understand it's a disease.

Seems like a cop-out to me. I also realize I am not very far on

this journey and perhaps the sympathy and compassion will come later

(??).

Right now my mom is gathering her forces. I have always been

the " rock " for her as she likes to say and now that I have told her

to keep away, she has clung heavily to my sister and oldest brother

(who, ordinarily she couldn't be bothered with) and contacted my

youngest brother who cut himself off from the WHOLE family.

So it's a little hard knowing that she is gathering her troops.

It's almost like ganging up. Oh well....*sigh*

+JMJ+

>

>

> Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly introduce

> myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> desparately need right now.

>

> I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she is

> undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

family.

> Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

arm's

> length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

of

> her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal and

> break the cycle of abuse.

>

> I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet I

am

> not fully certain what they are.

>

> - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> hold down a job.

> - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one day

> and another religion the next....moved from her father's house to

> get away from him to another state then moved father down there to

> be with her)

> - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out guilt

> trips.

> - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> anything.

> - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

>

> The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us. She

> was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

can

> recall.

>

> Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me. I

am

> in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of pneumonia

> and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

the

> phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't find

a

> doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

blah.

> With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't give

> her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

email

> that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

lives

> in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

the

> best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to call

> her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of grandmother

> she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

>

> I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

her

> should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she needs

to

> go through my husband.

>

> My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her off,

> yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

>

> Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

reasonable

> thing to do?

>

> +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Hi JMJ,

SWOE is frustrating to many KOs; it is really geared more towards

non-BPs in chosen relationships, they say. As far as consequences,

I believe there ARE consequenses to being a nada. Recently it

occurred to me that the complete annihilation she made me live in

terror over is really something I have done to her, as a

consequence. I live in such fear and misery that I truly wish she

did not exist, had never existed, and I do all I can to make my life

as close as it can be to living as if she didn't. One consequence

of being a nada is to be paid back with the exact isolation and

annhilation they fear the most. At least if the world is

constructive, anyway, and we can all bring ourselves to do it.

Ch

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Hi JMJ,

SWOE is frustrating to many KOs; it is really geared more towards

non-BPs in chosen relationships, they say. As far as consequences,

I believe there ARE consequenses to being a nada. Recently it

occurred to me that the complete annihilation she made me live in

terror over is really something I have done to her, as a

consequence. I live in such fear and misery that I truly wish she

did not exist, had never existed, and I do all I can to make my life

as close as it can be to living as if she didn't. One consequence

of being a nada is to be paid back with the exact isolation and

annhilation they fear the most. At least if the world is

constructive, anyway, and we can all bring ourselves to do it.

Ch

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Hi JMJ,

SWOE is frustrating to many KOs; it is really geared more towards

non-BPs in chosen relationships, they say. As far as consequences,

I believe there ARE consequenses to being a nada. Recently it

occurred to me that the complete annihilation she made me live in

terror over is really something I have done to her, as a

consequence. I live in such fear and misery that I truly wish she

did not exist, had never existed, and I do all I can to make my life

as close as it can be to living as if she didn't. One consequence

of being a nada is to be paid back with the exact isolation and

annhilation they fear the most. At least if the world is

constructive, anyway, and we can all bring ourselves to do it.

Ch

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I feel that SWOE is way too slanted towards understanding the poor

bp. Having compassion for a bp is a dangerous thing, especially in

the beginning. We need to focus on our needs and trying to

understand what drives a bp to act so abusively isn't going to

change them. But learning that we have the right to be happy and

free of all the torment they create, now that's a cause to get

excited about!

Take good care of your self.

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I feel that SWOE is way too slanted towards understanding the poor

bp. Having compassion for a bp is a dangerous thing, especially in

the beginning. We need to focus on our needs and trying to

understand what drives a bp to act so abusively isn't going to

change them. But learning that we have the right to be happy and

free of all the torment they create, now that's a cause to get

excited about!

Take good care of your self.

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I feel that SWOE is way too slanted towards understanding the poor

bp. Having compassion for a bp is a dangerous thing, especially in

the beginning. We need to focus on our needs and trying to

understand what drives a bp to act so abusively isn't going to

change them. But learning that we have the right to be happy and

free of all the torment they create, now that's a cause to get

excited about!

Take good care of your self.

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

,

Most of SWOE is for adults, who are, or have been, in a chosen

relationship with a BP. Those parts of the book don't apply to us, we

are KOs (Kids of), and our relationship wasn't chosen.

I read Co-dependent No More years ago. Thought it was a good book

then. I also got a great deal out of the exercises in Toxic

Parents. UBM is one of the 'classics' now for KOs. It was the book

that really freed me from so much of the guilt I had over

not 'feeling' like my nada told me I should feel.

All of these help intellectually, and sometimes even emotionally.

And, they could also overwhelm you. Make sure that you also take

time for pleasant and enjoyable things...we deserve those!

Sylvia

> >

> >

> > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

introduce

> > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > desparately need right now.

> >

> > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she is

> > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> family.

> > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> arm's

> > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> of

> > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal and

> > break the cycle of abuse.

> >

> > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet I

> am

> > not fully certain what they are.

> >

> > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > hold down a job.

> > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one day

> > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house to

> > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

to

> > be with her)

> > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out guilt

> > trips.

> > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > anything.

> > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> >

> > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

She

> > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> can

> > recall.

> >

> > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me. I

> am

> > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

pneumonia

> > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> the

> > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't find

> a

> > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> blah.

> > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't give

> > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> email

> > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> lives

> > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> the

> > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to call

> > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

grandmother

> > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> >

> > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> her

> > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she needs

> to

> > go through my husband.

> >

> > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

off,

> > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> >

> > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> reasonable

> > thing to do?

> >

> > +JMJ+

[Guest guest]

Besides, you don't really need to have compasssion and all that jazz

for the BP - they get plenty of that from the well intentioned goobers

who are convinced by all the " poor " BP's stories. On the other hand,

KOs rarely get any compassion (except from other KOs), and I think

that's why a lot of us are so ticked. No one believes us and the well

intentioned feel so sorry for the BP that, to me, it's almost like we

KOs become a ghost or even practically nonexistent to those people. I

also really think the BP gets a big thrill out of that, especially

when they can try to convince others that I am the one who has a

mental disorder.

Theresa

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I feel that SWOE is way too slanted towards understanding the poor

> bp. Having compassion for a bp is a dangerous thing, especially in

> the beginning. We need to focus on our needs and trying to

> understand what drives a bp to act so abusively isn't going to

> change them. But learning that we have the right to be happy and

> free of all the torment they create, now that's a cause to get

> excited about!

>

> Take good care of your self.

>

>

>

> > >

> > >

> > > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

> introduce

> > > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > > desparately need right now.

> > >

> > > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

> is

> > > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> > family.

> > > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> > arm's

> > > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> > of

> > > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

> and

> > > break the cycle of abuse.

> > >

> > > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

> I

> > am

> > > not fully certain what they are.

> > >

> > > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > > hold down a job.

> > > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

> day

> > > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

> to

> > > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

> to

> > > be with her)

> > > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

> guilt

> > > trips.

> > > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > > anything.

> > > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> > >

> > > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

> She

> > > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> > can

> > > recall.

> > >

> > > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

> I

> > am

> > > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

> pneumonia

> > > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> > the

> > > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

> find

> > a

> > > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> > blah.

> > > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

> give

> > > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> > email

> > > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> > lives

> > > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> > the

> > > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

> call

> > > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

> grandmother

> > > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> > >

> > > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> > her

> > > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

> needs

> > to

> > > go through my husband.

> > >

> > > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

> off,

> > > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> > >

> > > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> > reasonable

> > > thing to do?

> > >

> > > +JMJ+

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

[Guest guest]

>And if so, what might I say? I'm still trying to figure out what I

hope >to accomplish by this. I guess I just am really sick of being

>voiceless.

>

> Any suggestions?

>

From what I can tell, you just have to remain voiceless because our

stories don't go over well with people at all unless it's other KOs.

I just about hate it as much as you do. It really irks me. Maybe

you could write your own story from your point of view. sure seems

like a lot of effort to try to get someone to publish it, though. I

know I don't have that energy at this point.

I mean, weird of all weird is that my nada is entangling herself so

much with my daughter's previous teen acquaintences and friends that

my daughter and I have to stay away from these teens and their

parents. These teens feel sorry somehow for nada; I have not idea how

nada pulls the wool over teenage kids' eyes, but they invite her to

their birthday party or give her tickets to go to a play and so she

gives these teens a ride and all kinds of stuff that are just

unfathomable to me and my daughter. We know we can't tell these

people anything so we just remove ourselves from them and stay away.

I will not be joining that particular homeschool support group next

year. Seems they are more interested in supporting granny than the

single mom with 2 jobs who is going crazy trying to homeschool a high

schooler. Of course, I have had people tell me I have it easy because

I am only homeschooling one. All it takes it them saying that one

time and I have nothing to do with them after that. I don't need

more crazy people who love nada to deal with. Me not joining their

group is my own personal satisfying boycott even though I know none of

them will know that's what I am doing. I am now trying to start

over for me and my daughter and make our own friends, but it's

difficult because there aren't that many teens out there who like my

daughter. She gets along a whole lot better with adults, so we are

taking that route for the moment. Now to do all this without nada

finding out and stepping in since we live in the same town will be a

real challange, but we are going to try it.

Theresa

>

>

> Theresa Vidos wrote:

> Besides, you don't really need to have compasssion and all that jazz

> for the BP - they get plenty of that from the well intentioned goobers

> who are convinced by all the " poor " BP's stories. On the other hand,

> KOs rarely get any compassion (except from other KOs), and I think

> that's why a lot of us are so ticked. No one believes us and the well

> intentioned feel so sorry for the BP that, to me, it's almost like we

> KOs become a ghost or even practically nonexistent to those people. I

> also really think the BP gets a big thrill out of that, especially

> when they can try to convince others that I am the one who has a

> mental disorder.

>

> Theresa

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I feel that SWOE is way too slanted towards understanding the poor

> > bp. Having compassion for a bp is a dangerous thing, especially in

> > the beginning. We need to focus on our needs and trying to

> > understand what drives a bp to act so abusively isn't going to

> > change them. But learning that we have the right to be happy and

> > free of all the torment they create, now that's a cause to get

> > excited about!

> >

> > Take good care of your self.

> >

> >

> >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

> > introduce

> > > > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > > > desparately need right now.

> > > >

> > > > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

> > is

> > > > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> > > family.

> > > > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> > > arm's

> > > > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> > > of

> > > > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > > > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

> > and

> > > > break the cycle of abuse.

> > > >

> > > > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

> > I

> > > am

> > > > not fully certain what they are.

> > > >

> > > > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > > > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > > > hold down a job.

> > > > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

> > day

> > > > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

> > to

> > > > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

> > to

> > > > be with her)

> > > > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

> > guilt

> > > > trips.

> > > > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > > > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > > > anything.

> > > > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> > > >

> > > > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

> > She

> > > > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> > > can

> > > > recall.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

> > I

> > > am

> > > > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

> > pneumonia

> > > > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > > > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> > > the

> > > > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > > > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

> > find

> > > a

> > > > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> > > blah.

> > > > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

> > give

> > > > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> > > email

> > > > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> > > lives

> > > > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> > > the

> > > > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

> > call

> > > > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

> > grandmother

> > > > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> > > >

> > > > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> > > her

> > > > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

> > needs

> > > to

> > > > go through my husband.

> > > >

> > > > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

> > off,

> > > > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> > > reasonable

> > > > thing to do?

> > > >

> > > > +JMJ+

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>And if so, what might I say? I'm still trying to figure out what I

hope >to accomplish by this. I guess I just am really sick of being

>voiceless.

>

> Any suggestions?

>

From what I can tell, you just have to remain voiceless because our

stories don't go over well with people at all unless it's other KOs.

I just about hate it as much as you do. It really irks me. Maybe

you could write your own story from your point of view. sure seems

like a lot of effort to try to get someone to publish it, though. I

know I don't have that energy at this point.

I mean, weird of all weird is that my nada is entangling herself so

much with my daughter's previous teen acquaintences and friends that

my daughter and I have to stay away from these teens and their

parents. These teens feel sorry somehow for nada; I have not idea how

nada pulls the wool over teenage kids' eyes, but they invite her to

their birthday party or give her tickets to go to a play and so she

gives these teens a ride and all kinds of stuff that are just

unfathomable to me and my daughter. We know we can't tell these

people anything so we just remove ourselves from them and stay away.

I will not be joining that particular homeschool support group next

year. Seems they are more interested in supporting granny than the

single mom with 2 jobs who is going crazy trying to homeschool a high

schooler. Of course, I have had people tell me I have it easy because

I am only homeschooling one. All it takes it them saying that one

time and I have nothing to do with them after that. I don't need

more crazy people who love nada to deal with. Me not joining their

group is my own personal satisfying boycott even though I know none of

them will know that's what I am doing. I am now trying to start

over for me and my daughter and make our own friends, but it's

difficult because there aren't that many teens out there who like my

daughter. She gets along a whole lot better with adults, so we are

taking that route for the moment. Now to do all this without nada

finding out and stepping in since we live in the same town will be a

real challange, but we are going to try it.

Theresa

>

>

> Theresa Vidos wrote:

> Besides, you don't really need to have compasssion and all that jazz

> for the BP - they get plenty of that from the well intentioned goobers

> who are convinced by all the " poor " BP's stories. On the other hand,

> KOs rarely get any compassion (except from other KOs), and I think

> that's why a lot of us are so ticked. No one believes us and the well

> intentioned feel so sorry for the BP that, to me, it's almost like we

> KOs become a ghost or even practically nonexistent to those people. I

> also really think the BP gets a big thrill out of that, especially

> when they can try to convince others that I am the one who has a

> mental disorder.

>

> Theresa

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I feel that SWOE is way too slanted towards understanding the poor

> > bp. Having compassion for a bp is a dangerous thing, especially in

> > the beginning. We need to focus on our needs and trying to

> > understand what drives a bp to act so abusively isn't going to

> > change them. But learning that we have the right to be happy and

> > free of all the torment they create, now that's a cause to get

> > excited about!

> >

> > Take good care of your self.

> >

> >

> >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hello all. I am new to this board and wanted to briefly

> > introduce

> > > > myself and my situation and hopefully find support that I so

> > > > desparately need right now.

> > > >

> > > > I am one of four grown children dealing with a BPD mother (she

> > is

> > > > undiagnosed). Youngest brother cut himself off with entire

> > > family.

> > > > Oldest brother refuses to see anything wrong, yet keeps mom at

> > > arm's

> > > > length. My sister and I are very close and have borne the brunt

> > > of

> > > > her emotional abuse through the years. We are both at the point

> > > > right now of cutting her out of our lives so that we can heal

> > and

> > > > break the cycle of abuse.

> > > >

> > > > I do believe my mom has other disorders in addition to BPD, yet

> > I

> > > am

> > > > not fully certain what they are.

> > > >

> > > > - She lives in a fantasy world MOST of the time.

> > > > - Doesn't want to work. Will do anything so she doesn't have to

> > > > hold down a job.

> > > > - Is constantly changing her mind. (will be one religion one

> > day

> > > > and another religion the next....moved from her father's house

> > to

> > > > get away from him to another state then moved father down there

> > to

> > > > be with her)

> > > > - Is extremely manipulative and is very good at dishing out

> > guilt

> > > > trips.

> > > > - Nothing is ever her fault - it's everyone elses fault.

> > > > - Makes no sense with reasoning and has no rational basis for

> > > > anything.

> > > > - Has an addictive personality (mostly to Rx pain meds)

> > > >

> > > > The list goes on and on. She has never " raged " at any of us.

> > She

> > > > was a yeller growing up, but never any incidents of rage that I

> > > can

> > > > recall.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, this last incident with her was the last straw for me.

> > I

> > > am

> > > > in my last weeks of pregnancy and getting over a bout of

> > pneumonia

> > > > and dealing with my three small children who are also sick. She

> > > > knows this because she talks to my oldest daughter (who is 7)on

> > > the

> > > > phone almost daily. She begins to complain about aches and

> > > > pains...she has arthritis, she has fibromyalgia....she can't

> > find

> > > a

> > > > doc who believes her....she needs her Darvocet...blah, blah,

> > > blah.

> > > > With all my sister and I are dealing with - we really didn't

> > give

> > > > her the attention I guess she thought she deserved. I get an

> > > email

> > > > that says she is not coming up to help with the new baby (she

> > > lives

> > > > in another state) and goes on to tell me ways in which I am not

> > > the

> > > > best mother. She also advises me to tell my daughter NOT to

> > call

> > > > her because she *feels* like she cannot be the kind of

> > grandmother

> > > > she wants to be without my approval. *sigh*

> > > >

> > > > I wrote to her and told her not to contact me any more. I told

> > > her

> > > > should she wish to communicate with me or the children, she

> > needs

> > > to

> > > > go through my husband.

> > > >

> > > > My sister is struggling with feelings of guilt in cutting her

> > off,

> > > > yet she knows it's probably best for her and her family also.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone cut off the BPD person in their life? Is it a

> > > reasonable

> > > > thing to do?

> > > >

> > > > +JMJ+

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

> Hey Theresa....a few months ago I remember someone who's nada was

> bugging the daughter over the email...was that you? Is this the

> continuation of that story?

My nada emailed my daughter once with some idiotic thing. After that

one time I set her email up to send nada's emails into the spam file

so she will not read it. I think there was also someone else on this

list had a nada who was emailing their kid

No, the email and the nada getting involved with daughter's teen

friends are not connected. Nada has been sneaking around making

friends with these teens and their parents and daughter and I do not

realize it until, for instance, one of those teens ( who is a bit of a

fruitcake, I must add) called my house over and o ver and over and

told me to PICK UP THE PHONE!!!!! I mean the kid is 15 and ought to

know that is disrespectful, but it's obvious nada told her to do that

because it's exactly what nada does. I just believe how fast teens

buy into taking all her advice

Theresa