Having a poor memory and feeling broken

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I'm feeling very broken and lonely today and just wanted to post here

because I don't think anyone else but this list would understand

this. I had a fight with hubby earlier today, and essentially the

root of the argument was that I was angry with him for making several

comments to me over several days, and in return I discovered that the

reason for those comments was because he gets mad/frustrated with me

for having a poor memory. This was like a kick in my stomach for two

reasons: one, I feel like it's like asking a person with two broken

legs to get up and walk. I have a poor memory, and it's not on

purpose, and believe me if I could do anything about it I would! It

brought me back to the days when nada would rage at me for something

I couldn't do anything about. It makes me feel totally helpless. And

two, I already hate myself for having such a terrible memory. I feel

like that's a total betrayal of the inner me, but I can't help it, I

DO hate myself for it. I feel like half a person because I can't

remember. But how can I do anything about it?

And it's not Big Stuff, I haven't burned the house down or killed

anyone for being forgetful (yet). It's stuff like forgetting what

brand of mustard we buy, or for not turning the icemaker off when I

take the ice bin out of the freezer, or for not knowing if I've seen

a movie already, dumb stuff. It's little things that make me feel

stupid, and it's worse because he has such a good memory and he can't

fathom why I can't remember this stuff, so when he points it out I go

back to feeling so very broken. I read somewhere that it's common for

KO's to have bad memories, is that true? I can't remember lots of

stuff about my childhood, but my memory is just as bad with the daily

stuff, in the present. It's so frustrating, and worse when someone

else gets mad at me for it.

Over the weekend we had my sister-in-law and her fiance here (due to

yet another hurricane), and during a discussion we started talking

about childhood stuff. They were trading happy memories, and I just

couldn't think of anything to say, and that made me sad. Then my sis-

in-law started some " poor me " stories about stuff that happened to

her when she was little, and I got angry at her, because she gets

tons of support from her family, and I never get anything. I realize

that it's not fair for me to be angry at her, everyone has their own

problems and they're all valid, but there it was. So I walked away to

be by myself.

Then just today my hubby said to me, " I wonder why your dad never

calls us after hurricanes to see how we're doing? " And I

answered, " Because he's got a girlfriend now. " And that made me

terribly sad, because: a) now that he's got someone in his life he

never calls me (he's NPD, so now that he's got a primary source of

adoration coming from his girlfriend, he doesn't need us anymore),

and because my hubby got calls from most of his family members and

several people from his work, and I got none, and c) that my answer

was so automatic, that I knew exactly why he never calls, and I

should be angry about it but I'm just terribly sad.

I just wonder if I'll always be broken. I've got a BPD mom and an NPD

dad. How do I beat those odds? Or is the path to becoming healthy

more just an acceptance of the broken parts of ourselves?

[Guest guest]

Hi -

> he gets mad/frustrated with me for having a poor memory.

He needs to accept that this is just a fact of life with you. He

wouldn't get angry with a diabetic for needing insulin, would he?

( " If you really wanted to, you could make your pancreas kick in! " )

Or to put it more bluntly, he should get over himself -- your bad

memory isn't about him.

My partner's memory isn't that strong, while mine is quite good, at

times eerily so (such as with numbers). We joke that I'm

the " designated memory " for the relationship. But I never think

she's less intelligent or trying to piss me off because of it.

Sometimes I get a little sad that she doesn't recall certain

romantic moments. On the other hand, I get a lot of mileage out of

telling her the stories again! LOL

> But how can I do anything about it?

Are there things like typing up checklists for groceries, so you

have the brand of mustard in front of you on a piece of paper when

you go to the store? Or checklists of things/tasks you regularly

forget, posted where you'll see them? Recent studies have shown that

things like word puzzles help keep our brains fit, just like

exercise for the rest of the body.

Really, if the worst thing in your marriage is that he occasionally

has to deal with a different brand of mustard...I'd say you're doing

pretty friggin' well.

> It's little things that make me feel stupid, and

> it's worse because he has such a good memory and he can't

> fathom why I can't remember this stuff, so when he points it out

> I go back to feeling so very broken.

Two things here:

First, he doesn't recognize his good memory as a *strength* of his,

rather than just the way the world should be everywhere. A combo of

self-effacing and arrogant. (Sorry if that sounds harsh.)

Second, he can use this difference between you as a way to boost his

own ego -- that whole " if the other person is down, I must be up "

dynamic. Just know that he's trying to fill his own void. I really

liked what someone else said about " it affects you but isn't about

you. "

> I should be angry about it but I'm just terribly sad.

You should be exactly as you are. No need to pick up another bat

with which to hit yourself over the head.

> I just wonder if I'll always be broken.

....

> Or is the path to becoming healthy

> more just an acceptance of the broken parts of ourselves?

If we weren't broken, how would all our light get out?

peace,

journeywork

[Guest guest]

,

Some days just suck! Here are some hugs, and wishes that you will

be feeling better real soon {{{{}}}}.

I have good and bad memory days. I used to have a really good

memory. Then I had some medical problems while also dealing with a

great deal of stress in other areas at the same time. My 'memory'

capabilities went down the tubes. It has gotten better again, but

when I get stressed, and that happens alot any more, my memory

starts to fail me again. I have decided to accept this, and not

beat myself up....although it is always so easy to go to that

habitual place of self criticism.

Yes, we KOs often don't remember many things about our childhood.

We were probably disassociating at the time, and so cannot recall

the memory. I am starting to experience memory recall, as I become

better able to deal with what happened in my childhood, my mind is

releasing more memories.

I believe we can put together the broken parts...but it does take

time. And because we were broken, we will have weak areas, even

after we are healed. I personally think that accepting that we are

broken is part of the healing. It is for me. I had to be able to

accept myself as I am before I could change and heal. (I am still

finding broken parts, but taking care of them gently, as best I

can.)

I understand the hurt of witnessing others having family

interractions that we didn't and won't have, with our foo. For me,

I re-experience the pain that I felt as a child. I am finally able

to recognize where this pain is coming from (10+ years of therapy).

When it comes up, I can now look at it more closely. I know I am

healing, even though it still hurts alot.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

> Hi all,

>

> I'm feeling very broken and lonely today and just wanted to post

here

> because I don't think anyone else but this list would understand

> this. I had a fight with hubby earlier today, and essentially the

> root of the argument was that I was angry with him for making

several

> comments to me over several days, and in return I discovered that

the

> reason for those comments was because he gets mad/frustrated with

me

> for having a poor memory. This was like a kick in my stomach for

two

> reasons: one, I feel like it's like asking a person with two

broken

> legs to get up and walk. I have a poor memory, and it's not on

> purpose, and believe me if I could do anything about it I would!

It

> brought me back to the days when nada would rage at me for

something

> I couldn't do anything about. It makes me feel totally helpless.

And

> two, I already hate myself for having such a terrible memory. I

feel

> like that's a total betrayal of the inner me, but I can't help it,

I

> DO hate myself for it. I feel like half a person because I can't

> remember. But how can I do anything about it?

>

> And it's not Big Stuff, I haven't burned the house down or killed

> anyone for being forgetful (yet). It's stuff like forgetting what

> brand of mustard we buy, or for not turning the icemaker off when

I

> take the ice bin out of the freezer, or for not knowing if I've

seen

> a movie already, dumb stuff. It's little things that make me feel

> stupid, and it's worse because he has such a good memory and he

can't

> fathom why I can't remember this stuff, so when he points it out I

go

> back to feeling so very broken. I read somewhere that it's common

for

> KO's to have bad memories, is that true? I can't remember lots of

> stuff about my childhood, but my memory is just as bad with the

daily

> stuff, in the present. It's so frustrating, and worse when someone

> else gets mad at me for it.

>

> Over the weekend we had my sister-in-law and her fiance here (due

to

> yet another hurricane), and during a discussion we started talking

> about childhood stuff. They were trading happy memories, and I

just

> couldn't think of anything to say, and that made me sad. Then my

sis-

> in-law started some " poor me " stories about stuff that happened to

> her when she was little, and I got angry at her, because she gets

> tons of support from her family, and I never get anything. I

realize

> that it's not fair for me to be angry at her, everyone has their

own

> problems and they're all valid, but there it was. So I walked away

to

> be by myself.

>

> Then just today my hubby said to me, " I wonder why your dad never

> calls us after hurricanes to see how we're doing? " And I

> answered, " Because he's got a girlfriend now. " And that made me

> terribly sad, because: a) now that he's got someone in his life he

> never calls me (he's NPD, so now that he's got a primary source of

> adoration coming from his girlfriend, he doesn't need us anymore),

> and because my hubby got calls from most of his family members

and

> several people from his work, and I got none, and c) that my

answer

> was so automatic, that I knew exactly why he never calls, and I

> should be angry about it but I'm just terribly sad.

>

> I just wonder if I'll always be broken. I've got a BPD mom and an

NPD

> dad. How do I beat those odds? Or is the path to becoming healthy

> more just an acceptance of the broken parts of ourselves?

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I'm sorry it's so rough right now. Really, really sorry because I

remember all the hope and possibility in your words recently.

The last time you posted you'd been doing really well with all the

mindfulness stuff. I wonder if this is connected? Mindfulness and

forgetfulness seem to sort of be opposites to each other. Maybe as

you've been focussing and succeeding with some of the mindfulness

and awareness, there's a part of you that's gotten overwhelmed and

gone back to the old patterns?

Is it possible that your forgetfulness has gotten a bit worse lately

in (a totally understandable) reaction to being too present and too

aware of your surroundings with the successful mindfulness lately? I

mean, if you're always forgetful then this isn't new, so why's your

hubbie ragging on it now?

I'm not trying to blame you, it just seemed to me from our

interactions that there might be a context for what is going on. One

of my main problems with blaming myself is that I " forget " (hee hee)

all about context. Anyways, my point is that maybe there is a

context for your fight and your forgetfulness right now outside of

your childhood coping mechanisms (i.e. your work on mindfulness). I

always find that I feel the lowest and struggle the hardest just

before I make really big breakthroughs and am really starting to

shift old patterns.

I mean, I keep going through these cycles where I'm really

successful at something and I start believing that everything is

going to be okay and I'm going to be fixed and then suddenly...boom

I've fallen back down on my bum again and everything feels worse

because I'd forgotten how broken I was and had fooled myself into

believing that I could be okay for once. That's why the successes

are always tinged with a little desperation and manicness because I

want to convince myself that I'm not broken. But then, of course,

it's never easy and straightforward from A to B to C and so I feel

convinced that I am broken after all. But it's not true for me and

it's not true for you either.

, you're not broken. I read those words on the screen as if

you're saying " this is who I am: failure to remember, broken " . That

is not you. It may be some of your behaviours and feelings but you

are more than that. You are not just your negatives and you are not

just defined by your failures regardless of what your nada has said

or what your husband points out about things you do. On the other

hand, you are not just your successes when things are going well

either (this is my mistake). You are a mixture (as Dolly Parton

points out eagle and sparrow), something the black and white

thinking of BPs can't understand. Hold onto that. Try to remember

the darkness during the highs so that you are not so shocked when it

comes back to you, and hold onto the light during the lows so that

you don't give into desperation and depression.

About the memory stuff I think lots of people have this problem. For

me it's more obviously repression. If I have a revelation or read a

book that has a really important insight, I know it will overwhelm

me and I'm likely to forget it almost immediately. I write things

down, or if there's a gap, something I know I should remember; I

make a mental note to myself to remember it. Eventually it comes

back to me (okay the repressed childhood took a little longer but a

huge part of me did not want to remember). Are your memory lapses

signalling anything to you? Does it mean you're doing too much and

need a break, does it mean you're trying to avoid something you need

to face?

One of my friends has a partner who can't remember anything (i.e. he

takes down phone messages and then forgets he ever talked on the

phone). I talked a lot about this with my friend and psychoanalysed

the whole thing (we, of course, may be completely off but hey...).

We thought that her partner's problem - aside from too many years of

drugs - had to do with a huge desire to avoid responsibility (he had

run from families his entire life and was freaking out in a lot of

ways about becoming part of her family with her 2 sons). In her

situation, she couldn't trust him as a partner in the family because

of his forgetfulness. So it meant that he got to be her lover but

assumed no responsibility in the family which was a boundary he

needed at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe there is also something

you get/need out of being forgetful. A lot of books on healing talk

about having to see what the benefit (in psychological terms) of

your illness is. I'm still working on figuring out what use my

migraines are, I guess a part of their " usefulness " could be that

they justify me asking for nurturing and support and help. Could

there be anything like this with the forgetfulness?

I know that when my husband and I fight, I always feel really really

bad for my failings and problems. There's a problem with that

(firstly because my husband never feels as bad about his failures)

because it puts us in a parent/child relationship where he starts

saying " Bad girl! " and I starting begging forgiveness. Not

acceptable in a partnership. I've done a lot of thinking and reading

about this and I can sort of hear some echoes of that in your email.

I'm sure it's not exactly the same, but I've worked really hard of

finding ways to respond to legitimate complaints without starting to

hate myself. First, I always remind myself that he does annoying

things and so do I and these will continue throughout our entire

relationship. So the problem is not always the annoying behaviours,

but how we respond to them.

When my husband starts freaking out (something he does all too

often) about my behaviour or patterns I always stop him and ask him

why it's bothering him at that moment (it is often becuase he is

feeling bad about himself and projecting it onto me). Then I make

metaphorical comparisons he can understand (my husband doesn't

understand talking about emotions but he understands pictures so I -

and excuse the cliche - always use sports metaphors so that

he " gets " it and to emphasise that we are on the same team). So, if

my husband started screaming about my forgetting things and how

annoying it was I would say something like (with pauses for

appropriate responses and a sense of humour if I can muster it),

" Yes, my forgetfulness is annoying, isn't it? It bugs me too. Wish I

could wave the wand so it would go away. Then I could remind you to

do things, bwa ha ha. " (Then listen as he vents about being

frustrated with appropriate " Yah, I see that's hard for you. " etc.

thrown in but NOT saying, yes I'm horrible, just reinforcing his

emotions)

" I'm always like this though, why is it bugging you right now? "

" Do you remember how we talked about my forgetfulness being

something I'm working on but can't control right now? You know, my

forgetfulness makes it hard to count on me sometimes, but you know

that you can count on me to always a), , c). "

" My forgetfulness is like a baseball player who sometimes hits

fouls. But we're on a team so we're going to have to find a solution

together. For example, since we know I sometimes hit fouls, I

shouldn't be put up to bat in high stress situations. Second, I only

be more likely to hit a foul if you're swearing at me from the

sidelines. Third, we have to celebrate the times I hit homeruns and

recognise that I don't only hit fouls. And so on.... "

" I know it's annoying but you're going to have to do your husbandly

duty and love me through my craziness. When I forget something, I

would really like ti if you responded in this way (a response that

reminds you but also is supportive).... "

" What do you need me to do if I forget something? What would you

like me to do? "

Anyways, that sort of response validates their emotions and

acknowledges the problem without blaming or hating yourself (because

hey, we all do annoying things and we have to learn to live with

each other and our irritating habits). It also makes it clear that

you are not only forgetful in your relationship (still makes you an

equal partner) and offers him an opportunity to accept, support and

help you through this. So then, instead of trying to focus on how

you have to remember, remember, remember, you are focussing on the

fact that you will continue to forget things, but instead you have

specific reactions that you have agreed with each other beforehand

that allow you to retain your dignity while taking responsibility

for your actions just as he can express his frustration without

disrespecting or attacking you.

Anyways, time to bring this mega post to a close. I'm sorry it felt

so hard yesterday. You don't seem broken to me. Your posts are

always thoughtful and insightful and I don't think your BP nada and

NP fada were able to destroy your spirit and strength. Maybe you

don't have the happy childhood memories to trade or the family to

support and care about you, but you have yourself and from what I

can see that's pretty special and you have a lot to give.

Nadine