Guest guest Posted September 20, 2004 Report Share Posted September 20, 2004 Yes, being alone is a big one. They are empty and have no real sense of self, so they try to get you to fill in that hole, which of course, you can't. So even when you're with them, they feel alone/empty, but when they are alone, it's 10 times worse. My nada dissociates/acts psychotic when she thinks I'm distancing myself from her, if I don't talk to her in several days. Also, not going with your nada to the gathering/changing plans may come across to your nada as " abandonment " , again with resulting " witch " behavior/dissociation. They do not seem to like last minute changes. They do depend on others/you for their sanity (at least that's what they perceive in their own minds, since they don't have a sense of self; seems to me it's as if my nada's mind/self is not " whole " so she tries to use me to patch it up or replace hers, in some weird way?). Have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother? A must- read. > I'm wondering if anyone else's BP suddenly switches into BP behavior > after acting normally for a few days (or more)? I am beginning to > notice a pattern in my nada - where she'll be fine for a week, then > all of a sudden turn into " BP from hell " ......it also seems like > there are triggers that act as a catalyst for this behavior, though > not always. > > Just yesterday - I didn't feel well so I decided not to accompany my > nada to a family gathering. When she came home, she was completely > silent and emanating rage. She is now acting out and I'm wondering if > her BP behavior is mainly caused by the inability to deal with > emotions in a healthy, constructive manner (instead of telling me she > was hurt and upset that I didn't go to the family gathering, she > tries to hurt me by the silent treatment, blaming, criticizing me for > other things (I didn't even do), etc.? > > One final question - is being alone a common trigger for BP behavior? > My mother gets soooooooo weird (introverted/distant/disconnected) > when she has to spend even a few hours by herself. It's like she's > dependent upon others for her sanity or something. > > I'd be interested to hear about some of the " triggers " that cause > your own BPs to act out, if anyone feels moved to share with me:) > > {{hugs}} > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2004 Report Share Posted September 21, 2004 Aren't these sudden behavior switches the primary characteristic of BPD? My Nada never goes into witch mode unless she can catch her victim alone. She doesn't always go into witch mode then, you never can tell. When she has done this to me, it seems like she planned it a long time in advance. She trots out things I did that offended her, sometimes many years ago, to justify her anger. She denies that she is angry and says that I am the one who is angry and she is trying to help me overcome it. She never goes into witch mode in front of more than one person, so she can preserve her image of perfection. If anyone dares tell of what she subjected them to, she can say they are crazy and it never happened. However, most of her habitual victims - me, my sister and brother, and my cousins - talk to each other and are onto her. Fada is onto her too, but he doesn't have solidarity with the other victims. He does what he can to deflect Nada's wrath away from him and onto us. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2004 Report Share Posted September 21, 2004 Oh boy, does mine ever switch. Only she has done it at family gatherings, no wonder I have a strained relationship with my cousins. I'm very new to this group, but am also happy to know that I and my siblings are not alone. My sister told us about the book " stop walking on eggshells " . I finished reading it a month ago, but from the first page on, I was amazed at how the BPD behaviors matched my mother's exactly! My sis & bro haven't read the book yet, they have families and more hectic lives than I do. I find it hard to set limitations (one of the steps recommended) because my mother is so sensitive, even in sane moods. I also can't convince my husband that she can't control her emotions/behaviors which in turn, screws up her life. She and my father (now deceased) divorced when I was 8 (33yrs ago). She remarried 5yrs later, but that only lasted 2-3yrs (I now believe because of the BPD). She's been living alone for almost 30yrs now, but cries the lonely blues (when in her depressed state at least once a month)like she's by herself for the first time. She relies on me for too much (I probly don't help prevent it either). She panics at almost every little situation and calls me right away, rather than calm down and think it through rationally. This brings me to my current state where, I've had enough. I have my own life to live and cannot do everything for her. She doesn't bug my bro who lives 1500 miles away, nor my sis who has her own very hectic life. She treats me like a Mother. I've asked several times not to put me in that position, but she can't help it. I guess I can't help it either since that's where I've been most of my life, helping/comforting her. Sorry to go on & on. I'm going to get a copy of Understanding Borderline Mothers and try talking to a therapist, because I can only change my behavior, my ways of coping, not anyone else's. You are not alone! Luann > I'm wondering if anyone else's BP suddenly switches into BP behavior > after acting normally for a few days (or more)? I am beginning to > notice a pattern in my nada - where she'll be fine for a week, then > all of a sudden turn into " BP from hell " ......it also seems like > there are triggers that act as a catalyst for this behavior, though > not always. > > Just yesterday - I didn't feel well so I decided not to accompany my > nada to a family gathering. When she came home, she was completely > silent and emanating rage. She is now acting out and I'm wondering if > her BP behavior is mainly caused by the inability to deal with > emotions in a healthy, constructive manner (instead of telling me she > was hurt and upset that I didn't go to the family gathering, she > tries to hurt me by the silent treatment, blaming, criticizing me for > other things (I didn't even do), etc.? > > One final question - is being alone a common trigger for BP behavior? > My mother gets soooooooo weird (introverted/distant/disconnected) > when she has to spend even a few hours by herself. It's like she's > dependent upon others for her sanity or something. > > I'd be interested to hear about some of the " triggers " that cause > your own BPs to act out, if anyone feels moved to share with me:) > > {{hugs}} > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2004 Report Share Posted September 21, 2004 I just want to thank everyone who responded to my post! I can't tell you what a relief it is to have my perception of my nada's behavior validated, especially after she has made me feel like it's all " my fault " or just my imagination.....What a crazy disorder this is! I feel so bad for everyone who has a BP parent, and for the parents themselves - it must be hell to be a BP. The fact that my nada so abruptly goes from behaving in a loving, kind and empathetic manner towards me to acting as though she HATES me and wishes I was never born is VERY disconcerting. It's like she can't access the part of her that actually cares about me when she's in BP mode....this must be part of the black and white thinking I read about? The sad thing is that I find it really hard to be loving to her when she's being so mean to me. She pushes my buttons until I end up annoyed and angry, which only makes matters worse. I am anxious to move out because I sense that it will help to break this pattern (if only due to the fact that I won't be interacting with her on a regular basis any longer). I pray that each of you receive the strength and support necessary to maintain a level of detachment when dealing with your own BP....and to find comfort in the knowledge that their behavior has nothing to do with YOU (a big lesson for me!) Gratefully, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2004 Report Share Posted September 21, 2004 Luann, Good for you in planning to take action to change your own behavior. We are all responsible for our own behavior (even our BP parents.) Here is a quote I just came across: " We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults. But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we do and say. " [The Angry Heart, p. 64] I also like the idea that taking responsibility for our actions also means that we can do something about them (i.e. change them if they aren't working for us.) I also feel that we are happier when we take control and accept responsibility for ourselves. Good luck and take care, Sylvia > Oh boy, does mine ever switch. Only she has done it at family > gatherings, no wonder I have a strained relationship with my cousins. > > I'm very new to this group, but am also happy to know that I and my > siblings are not alone. My sister told us about the book " stop > walking on eggshells " . I finished reading it a month ago, but from > the first page on, I was amazed at how the BPD behaviors matched my > mother's exactly! My sis & bro haven't read the book yet, they have > families and more hectic lives than I do. I find it hard to set > limitations (one of the steps recommended) because my mother is so > sensitive, even in sane moods. I also can't convince my husband that > she can't control her emotions/behaviors which in turn, screws up her > life. She and my father (now deceased) divorced when I was 8 (33yrs > ago). She remarried 5yrs later, but that only lasted 2-3yrs (I now > believe because of the BPD). She's been living alone for almost 30yrs > now, but cries the lonely blues (when in her depressed state at least > once a month)like she's by herself for the first time. She relies on > me for too much (I probly don't help prevent it either). She panics > at almost every little situation and calls me right away, rather than > calm down and think it through rationally. This brings me to my > current state where, I've had enough. I have my own life to live and > cannot do everything for her. She doesn't bug my bro who lives 1500 > miles away, nor my sis who has her own very hectic life. She treats > me like a Mother. I've asked several times not to put me in that > position, but she can't help it. I guess I can't help it either since > that's where I've been most of my life, helping/comforting her. > > Sorry to go on & on. I'm going to get a copy of Understanding > Borderline Mothers and try talking to a therapist, because I can only > change my behavior, my ways of coping, not anyone else's. > > You are not alone! > Luann > ............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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