Re: Dan..boundaries?

[Guest guest]

> I myself, would be uncomfortable trying to work out the issues long

> distance. I would want to wait until I was living with my husband

> again to see if things could work out. Of course, if you have tried

> all options when together....?

Di, I see what you are saying. I am really afraid of letting her

come back if I still feel helpless in the face of her behavior. You

saw how destabilized I was a few months ago, just before and after

she left. I am not confident that I couldn't be destabilized like

that again.

I tried all options that I could think of when we were together. I

haven't thought of anything since that I could try after she comes

back. I am really fishing for ideas, and I won't be annoyed if I

hear 10 ideas I have already tried. All I need is one thing I can do

to protect my self-esteem, so I won't be totally at her mercy. She

cares about me, but the unmerciful side of her is a demon and she

can't accept its existence.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Hi Dan,

I know I probably do not know your wife's history as well as everyone else,

but I was just wondering if she was OK going to her choice of a good therapist

BEFORE and after (if u allow for this) she moves back in. With my nada, I

become paralyzed BEFORE + AFTER she sees me.....I always warn people that they

need to forgive me when she is around, because I am criticized if I want to

talk on my own phone (by nada), if I go on the computer, if I DO ANYTHING that

takes attention away from her------For me this is sad, but I cannot do this

anymore, I cannot risk my mental health by being around or near her.

Even just a simple telephone call throws me into terror, fear et al.....

If she moves in, you must have boundaries, perhaps if she gets some solid

help (again I apologize not knowing all that you have been through w/her) and

the boundaries are laid down, MAYBE it can work? Forgive me for asking, but I

am unsure if you have children, how long have you been married etc?

You sure have had a nice break from the action, I just wonder what would

happen if she came back and you became paralyzed by the behavior? You must put

your needs first, and know that your wife needs help, whether she is willing to

get it herself, or with the help of your kind, guiding hand.

Not sure if I have helped at all, but you seem to be doing really well, I

again would hate to see you go down if she came back. Marriage is a give and

take relationship, sometimes I need and hubby gives, sometimes he needs and I

give...

Sincerely,

Kim

In a message dated 10/5/2004 2:36:51 AM Eastern Standard Time,

danc19fr@... writes:

I tried all options that I could think of when we were together. I

haven't thought of anything since that I could try after she comes

back. I am really fishing for ideas, and I won't be annoyed if I

hear 10 ideas I have already tried. All I need is one thing I can do

to protect my self-esteem, so I won't be totally at her mercy. She

cares about me, but the unmerciful side of her is a demon and she

can't accept its existence.

[Guest guest]

Kim,

> I was just wondering if she was OK going to her choice

> of a good therapist BEFORE and after (if u allow for this)

> she moves back in.

I asked her if she would do that the last time I talked with her.

No response. She is still adamant that she doesn't have problems,

it is just me who has problems. Well, I guess I do. What do you do

when someone projects all their problems on you?

> If she moves in, you must have boundaries, perhaps if

> she gets some solid help

I would have some hope that the problem could improve if she were

getting help. I will add this to the letter I am writing her. I

have a problem with boundaries here. If she is willing to go all

the way, even divorce, rather than to respect my boundaries, how can

I have boundaries while she is around?

> I am unsure if you have children,

> how long have you been married etc?

We have been married 11 years. We have a boy 15 who is with her,

and a girl 21 who is on her own near me. They are both hers from

her previous (second) marriage. Her ex used to say " I know that

sooner or later you will divorce me " . She told me that to show how

defeatist he was, but I think I know where he was coming from.

> I just wonder what would happen if

> she came back and you became paralyzed by the behavior?

Yes, that's what worries me. Maybe I have made enough progress to

be bullet-proof, but I can't be sure. The heck of it is that

usually we get along well, but when she gets on this roll it totally

destroys me.

- Dan