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Re: Painfully clearing out the wreckage of the past...please tell me you relate.

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Hi, " Ruby "

I have done the same thing. I don't have the survivor guilt, but I

sure have the pictures where I am looking innocent and fresh, and

then the ones were I am sullen, with everyone else merrily saying

cheese. My nada made me a photo album in which she juxtaposed

pictures of herself with me, i.e. my graduation, her graduation; me

swimming, her swimming, etc. She used to tell me we were just

alike, when I was all good, of course. Then later when I was all

bad she sort of tossed my baby book to me, saying she had no need of

THAT anymore. But everything was so picture perfect from the

outside. I always said a house guest would have to spend two weeks

before sensing that something was wrong. (Of course no one ever

stayed that long.) My childhood best friend knew, though. We used

to call Nada " Madaleen the Terrible " and picture her as a Valkyrie

with the breastplate and everything. But my friend got to go home

to her family, and I had to stay and then it wasn't so funny. Now

I'm middle-aged and sometimes I feel like a whiner, still dealing

with all the wreckage of the past. It is very validating to be at

ModOasis and read everybody's posts.

-

>

> Hi all,

>

> Needing validation - nothing new.

>

> So I am preparing to move and am very consciously cleaning out my

> apartment. I literally need to do it bc I'm downsizing, but it is

> more symbolic than anything else.

>

> Last night I went through my pictures and a box of things from

> childhood. I knew it would be painful, but I jumped in anyway.

Boy,

> was it tough. I found this baby picture where I am wide-eyed,

> reaching for the light of the flashbulb. I am so innocent,

> searching, reaching out. In another pic I was this little pixie

with

> a mischievous grin. Each picture made me think of who I was back

> then.

>

> The toughest were the family photos. I found a few in which we

were

> all there. I barely remember us going on family outings, but there

> is one where we all went to a Christmas tree farm to cut our own

> tree, andother where we all went to the beach in winter. What

really

> got me was my little brother - the one who was split bad and is

now

> a suicidal alcoholic. He is sullen and/or not really there

> emotionally. I can tell. Man, it just breaks my heart. That lost

> little boy, seeing him kicks up my survival guilt.

>

> And looking at these photos now hurts because, as someone

eloquently

> posted recently, I've realized what I wasn't realizing. I knew

> something was wrong at home all along. Looking at the photos last

> night I tried to find signs - was dad depressed on that occasion?

> What was their marriage like? What was my brother going through?

> And, most upsetting of all - WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE ARE

> FUNCTIONAL??

>

> I started 2nd-guessing myself after seeing pics of me with nada

and

> fada, or us as a family. It makes me wonder if I'm exagerrating

the

> pain of my past or the truth of nada's illness. bc it LOOKS like

we

> were ok.

>

> Help!

>

>

> -

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Hi and Ruby! I've had that too and I still do sometimes. Now

that i don't feel so much anger anymore and am able to remember good

times, it can be a trap. BUT, the fact is that people at ModOasis are

my people, and I've never had that before. It in itself validates that

I have had experiences that come from BP-traits or BPD. ( - If

you contcentrate on the feelings you get from your brothers pictures,

you know you are right).

If I did not have that I think I would be totally lost and probaply

right back in FOG, giving the same legacy to my kids - fleas, witch I

hope I can at least minimize with this knowlegde.

" it's all about appearence "

Take care, BM

> Hi, " Ruby "

> I have done the same thing. I don't have the survivor guilt, but I

> sure have the pictures where I am looking innocent and fresh, and

> then the ones were I am sullen, with everyone else merrily saying

> cheese. My nada made me a photo album in which she juxtaposed

> pictures of herself with me, i.e. my graduation, her graduation; me

> swimming, her swimming, etc. She used to tell me we were just

> alike, when I was all good, of course. Then later when I was all

> bad she sort of tossed my baby book to me, saying she had no need of

> THAT anymore. But everything was so picture perfect from the

> outside. I always said a house guest would have to spend two weeks

> before sensing that something was wrong. (Of course no one ever

> stayed that long.) My childhood best friend knew, though. We used

> to call Nada " Madaleen the Terrible " and picture her as a Valkyrie

> with the breastplate and everything. But my friend got to go home

> to her family, and I had to stay and then it wasn't so funny. Now

> I'm middle-aged and sometimes I feel like a whiner, still dealing

> with all the wreckage of the past. It is very validating to be at

> ModOasis and read everybody's posts.

> -

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > Needing validation - nothing new.

> >

> > So I am preparing to move and am very consciously cleaning out my

> > apartment. I literally need to do it bc I'm downsizing, but it is

> > more symbolic than anything else.

> >

> > Last night I went through my pictures and a box of things from

> > childhood. I knew it would be painful, but I jumped in anyway.

> Boy,

> > was it tough. I found this baby picture where I am wide-eyed,

> > reaching for the light of the flashbulb. I am so innocent,

> > searching, reaching out. In another pic I was this little pixie

> with

> > a mischievous grin. Each picture made me think of who I was back

> > then.

> >

> > The toughest were the family photos. I found a few in which we

> were

> > all there. I barely remember us going on family outings, but there

> > is one where we all went to a Christmas tree farm to cut our own

> > tree, andother where we all went to the beach in winter. What

> really

> > got me was my little brother - the one who was split bad and is

> now

> > a suicidal alcoholic. He is sullen and/or not really there

> > emotionally. I can tell. Man, it just breaks my heart. That lost

> > little boy, seeing him kicks up my survival guilt.

> >

> > And looking at these photos now hurts because, as someone

> eloquently

> > posted recently, I've realized what I wasn't realizing. I knew

> > something was wrong at home all along. Looking at the photos last

> > night I tried to find signs - was dad depressed on that occasion?

> > What was their marriage like? What was my brother going through?

> > And, most upsetting of all - WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE ARE

> > FUNCTIONAL??

> >

> > I started 2nd-guessing myself after seeing pics of me with nada

> and

> > fada, or us as a family. It makes me wonder if I'm exagerrating

> the

> > pain of my past or the truth of nada's illness. bc it LOOKS like

> we

> > were ok.

> >

> > Help!

> >

> >

> > -

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>

> Hi all,

>

> Needing validation - nothing new.

>

> So I am preparing to move and am very consciously cleaning out my

> apartment. I literally need to do it bc I'm downsizing, but it is

> more symbolic than anything else.

>

> Last night I went through my pictures and a box of things from

> childhood. ....... WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE ARE

> FUNCTIONAL??

*****#1 - Nada is always pretending for the world that everything is

okay. #2 - Most group pictures don't really capture how we are

feeling, especially if they are posed. We all know to 'smile' when

the camera is on us. #3 - You can judge a book by its cover, and you

can't know a family by its pictures.

>

> I started 2nd-guessing myself after seeing pics of me with nada and

> fada, or us as a family. It makes me wonder if I'm exagerrating the

> pain of my past or the truth of nada's illness. bc it LOOKS like we

> were ok.

*****You know, second guessing is not always a bad thing. Making

decisions about a nada or fada is serious. Thoughtful people take

time to make sure they understand the situation and are doing the

right thing. Also, as we grow out of the FOG, it is not unusual to

get caught back up in it at times. (But it gets easier to get out of

it or to make it go away!) I know my nada caused me to feel like

every decision I made was the wrong one (and it probably was to

her!). There are times when you have to look inside your heart of

hearts to see what is true for you. Then follow your own truth, no

matter what someone else says, or a picture seems to portray.

>

> Help!

>

>

> -

****I am sorry for the pain you feel about your brother. Please

remember that you were in no position to help him. You were a child

yourself.

Take care,

Sylvia

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my experiences are similar

i remember my childhood positively

and now i cant figure out

what happened to those great people

who were around for my childhood

i mean yes

i did realize she was intense, domineering, inappropriate

at times but for the most part

i remember it as great

but i now contribute that to ME

i think i was a naturally curious, happy, self-sufficient child

and my daughter is the same way

so i was able to transcend and kind of forget nada's weirdness

i mean

for example i remember her once confiding in me

that she thought the widow-mother of my brother's best friend

was *hitting on* my father

and i was only about 8 years old!!!!

i always knew that was pretty wrong

but in my memory and opinion my parents gave me the greatest

childhood ever

so its strange how our minds play tricks on us

a few days ago

i was at nada's house

helping my brother sort through some stuff in the basement

and i found a stack of papers

one envelope contained a handwritten will

that nada had written in 1974 and gotten my father to sign

basically it listed every item they owned

half of which was dad's business

and left it all to HER parents

then left my brother and me to them

and it said *under no circumstances will they be given to anyone

else; they can visit their paternal grandparents but they can NEVER

live with them.*

then it said we were to be raised in the jewish faith

and *they are never to set foot in a church under any condition,

except for a wedding or a funeral.*

can you imagine the control??????

it just validated what i know about her now

she was only 28 years old when she wrote this

but her voice was the same as it is today....

just thought i'd share that

back to you

im sure there were good things about your childhood

and i dont think it does any good to deny something if it is good

for you

the hardest part is accepting that whatever it was before

it isnt now

and thats it

have a great day

--staci

>

> Hi all,

>

> Needing validation - nothing new.

>

> So I am preparing to move and am very consciously cleaning out my

> apartment. I literally need to do it bc I'm downsizing, but it is

> more symbolic than anything else.

>

> Last night I went through my pictures and a box of things from

> childhood. I knew it would be painful, but I jumped in anyway.

Boy,

> was it tough. I found this baby picture where I am wide-eyed,

> reaching for the light of the flashbulb. I am so innocent,

> searching, reaching out. In another pic I was this little pixie

with

> a mischievous grin. Each picture made me think of who I was back

> then.

>

> The toughest were the family photos. I found a few in which we

were

> all there. I barely remember us going on family outings, but there

> is one where we all went to a Christmas tree farm to cut our own

> tree, andother where we all went to the beach in winter. What

really

> got me was my little brother - the one who was split bad and is

now

> a suicidal alcoholic. He is sullen and/or not really there

> emotionally. I can tell. Man, it just breaks my heart. That lost

> little boy, seeing him kicks up my survival guilt.

>

> And looking at these photos now hurts because, as someone

eloquently

> posted recently, I've realized what I wasn't realizing. I knew

> something was wrong at home all along. Looking at the photos last

> night I tried to find signs - was dad depressed on that occasion?

> What was their marriage like? What was my brother going through?

> And, most upsetting of all - WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE ARE

> FUNCTIONAL??

>

> I started 2nd-guessing myself after seeing pics of me with nada

and

> fada, or us as a family. It makes me wonder if I'm exagerrating

the

> pain of my past or the truth of nada's illness. bc it LOOKS like

we

> were ok.

>

> Help!

>

>

> -

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