Re: Now what?

[Guest guest]

, that flicker is capable of igniting a bonfire. You are forging a path

for many of us who yet dread the passing of our BP parent. I for one am

grateful for your sharing your innermost turmoil, for your honesty in confiding

how delirious it really feels to be finally free...and terrified of the unknown.

Carol

In a message dated 10/6/2004 12:36:33 AM Eastern Standard Time,

Tslothrop@... writes:

I feel I am at a crucial place in my recovery/discovery process and

I do feel for us KO's it is both, acknowledging that which is not us

(fleas) and connecting to that which is (true self). I ended contact

with nada after dad died and now nada is dead and gone and I have no

more illusions about my childhood or the damage I incurred. I know

the damage, I see it all for what it is. I cannot return to that

fantasy, that place. I have let go of so much that I feel there is

only a small flicker of my true self. It is like my foo represents a

village that burned to the ground, there is no returning and all

that I learned there I no longer need as I set out for a new land.

But everything is so new, I am so new, nothing feels familiar or

sound. I feel between worlds and in a sense I am. I suppose this is

the discovery process and I feel that I need to be still and that I

am forced to just be fully present and yet I never learned how to do

that either and so it feels terrifying at times. I look around and

everyone seems to have their place, their family, their role and I

wonder if they can see the terror in my face. I look ahead with

determination amidst my fear, but I feel as though after letting go

of so much that I have only a flicker of light to keep me going.

Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just wanted to offer support and empathy as much as I can. These

are some of my main issues, as well. I don't have a family of my

own yet, and thanks to my nada (who is still very much alive), I

don't have much of a parental family either. I've lived all over

the globe trying to get away from her, and I've almost never been

able to escape the sense of isolation. Yes, profound isolation from

the rest of the human race, and the feeling that they are all

connected to their own families because they deserve to be, but that

I am rotten somehow at the core, and deserve to be alone.

These are thoughts I have identified, and am working with my

therapist and others to correct. I am trying to learn to appreciate

and experience the connections I DO have. And I would say to you--

you are not alone! If you let it, I truly believe the constructive

energy in the world will rush in and become the mother you never

had. Part of that is this list (hugs to you from this member,

anyway!). Part of it is good friends you may have. A large part is

yourself--you will find there is a nurturing mother inside yourself

who is there to 'raise' you and care for you. She IS there, you

just have to find her. I am trying hard myself to try and accept my

own relationships, accept that they are valid and that I am not 'all

alone in the world' just bks my nada isn't a mother, just bks I

happen to be single right now. I am also thinking about somehow

getting more connected to society--maybe joining a church or a

community group or such. Also, though, working out my issues means

I WILL eventually have a family of my own, and I've even started to

dream about it for the first time in my life.

Regarding not having an identity, I have thought of this too, quite

recently. A few days ago, I tried to describe myself, but I ended

up describing a million polar opposites! (Quiet, loud; shy,

outgoing; eccentric, conformist, etc.) I still have very little

idea who I am. And maybe there is nothing there. Maybe there

really IS no 'self' underneath. But, maybe we KOs get to choose who

we are, and maybe we can make the best of it, consider it a gift...

I am reading this really amazing book right now, and it has a part

that quotes the Great Gatsby, about how he created himself:

Gatsby, according to Nick, had 'an extradordinary gift for hope, a

romantic readiness', and so 'he invented just the sort of Jay Gatsby

that a seventeen-year old boy would be likely to invent, and to this

conception he was loyal to the end.'

Those of us KOs whose sense of self was utterly destroyed, have a

unique opportunity. We have the ability (perhaps even the duty) to

create, and remain loyal to, our own sense of beauty.

>

> I feel I am at a crucial place in my recovery/discovery process

and

> I do feel for us KO's it is both, acknowledging that which is not

us

> (fleas) and connecting to that which is (true self). I ended

contact

> with nada after dad died and now nada is dead and gone and I have

no

> more illusions about my childhood or the damage I incurred. I know

> the damage, I see it all for what it is. I cannot return to that

> fantasy, that place. I have let go of so much that I feel there is

> only a small flicker of my true self. It is like my foo represents

a

> village that burned to the ground, there is no returning and all

> that I learned there I no longer need as I set out for a new land.

> But everything is so new, I am so new, nothing feels familiar or

> sound. I feel between worlds and in a sense I am. I suppose this

is

> the discovery process and I feel that I need to be still and that

I

> am forced to just be fully present and yet I never learned how to

do

> that either and so it feels terrifying at times. I look around and

> everyone seems to have their place, their family, their role and I

> wonder if they can see the terror in my face. I look ahead with

> determination amidst my fear, but I feel as though after letting

go

> of so much that I have only a flicker of light to keep me going.

> Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I wanted to reply to your post, but was going to wait until this

evening. With time, I can better formulate my thoughts. HOWEVER, as

I was checking my email, I received this from HeartQuotes, and though

it was very applicable, so I am sending it to you now.

" Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always

known

it, the loss of all that gave one identity, and the end of safety. It

is

only when one is able, without bitterness or self-pity, to surrender

a

dream one has long cherished, or a privilege one has long possessed,

that

one has set oneself free for higher dreams, for greater privileges. "

-- Baldwin

I want to say so much more.....but my thoughts are pretty jumbled

right now. Your post is similar to what I have experienced in the

past, and also touches on something that I am right in the midst of

as well. I'll check in with you again tonight.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I feel I am at a crucial place in my recovery/discovery process and

> I do feel for us KO's it is both, acknowledging that which is not

us

> (fleas) and connecting to that which is (true self). I ended

contact

> with nada after dad died and now nada is dead and gone and I have

no

> more illusions about my childhood or the damage I incurred. I know

> the damage, I see it all for what it is. I cannot return to that

> fantasy, that place. I have let go of so much that I feel there is

> only a small flicker of my true self. It is like my foo represents

a

> village that burned to the ground, there is no returning and all

> that I learned there I no longer need as I set out for a new land.

> But everything is so new, I am so new, nothing feels familiar or

> sound. I feel between worlds and in a sense I am. I suppose this is

> the discovery process and I feel that I need to be still and that I

> am forced to just be fully present and yet I never learned how to

do

> that either and so it feels terrifying at times. I look around and

> everyone seems to have their place, their family, their role and I

> wonder if they can see the terror in my face. I look ahead with

> determination amidst my fear, but I feel as though after letting go

> of so much that I have only a flicker of light to keep me going.

> Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

Hi -

> village that burned to the ground, there is no returning

This was a powerful image for me.

> But everything is so new, I am so new, nothing feels familiar or

> sound. ... it feels terrifying at times.

When I was finishing grad school, I had this same feeling -- I'd

come to the end of my predefined, expected routes forward. Suddenly,

there was nothing but infinite possibility in front of me, and the

vast openness of it was terrifying. I also understood that below the

fear, what I was actually experiencing was freedom.

I think a lot of people find true freedom overwhelming, which

explains much of the attraction of fundamentalism. (If someone else

is telling you exactly what you should think and do, with no room

for nuance, then you never have to face that wide open place of

choice and responsibility.)

So congrats on your new-found freedom!!!

> I look around and

> everyone seems to have their place, their family, their role and I

> wonder if they can see the terror in my face.

I bet most of them are thinking the same thing about you.

Seriously, I think many people seem much more together to outsiders

than they feel internally. Heck, think of all the high-functioning

BPs...

I'm so happy that you've found this place of freedom and new

beginning. It's hard right now, but you have a chance to discover

yourself -- for real this time. I use the analogy that becoming our

true selves is like kids learning to walk: at first, their movements

are clunky and choppy, and they still fall down sometimes. The

movements get smoother and less awkward as they get older. At some

point, the process becomes second nature. Eventually, some folks

dance.

--journeyworksf

[Guest guest]

journeyworksf wrote:

> ... I use the analogy that becoming our

> true selves is like kids learning to walk: at first, their movements

> are clunky and choppy, and they still fall down sometimes. The

> movements get smoother and less awkward as they get older. At some

> point, the process becomes second nature. Eventually, some folks

> dance.

Yes, this is good.

And KOs have to remember that its OK to make mistakes as we learn to

stand up, walk, and run in the real world.

And, in a way, we KOs get to re-invent our self. I thought I'd read that

somewhere in UBM??

- Edith

I'm one of the dancing KOs under the lamp post at the end of the tunnel

[Guest guest]

I just heard a concept on a tape I liked. It said there is no word

for a person that makes a mistake. You do not become a " mistakER. " t

doesn't change WHO you are - you are a PERSON who made a mistake.

Free

> And KOs have to remember that its OK to make mistakes as we learn

to stand up, walk, and run in the real world.

[Guest guest]

When you have come to the edge of all the light you have

And step into the darkness of the unknown

Believe that one of the two will happen to you

Either you'll find something solid to stand on

Or you'll be taught how to fly!

- Overton; Bach; Livingston Seagul

>

> I feel I am at a crucial place in my recovery/discovery process and

> I do feel for us KO's it is both, acknowledging that which is not

us

> (fleas) and connecting to that which is (true self). I ended

contact

> with nada after dad died and now nada is dead and gone and I have

no

> more illusions about my childhood or the damage I incurred. I know

> the damage, I see it all for what it is. I cannot return to that

> fantasy, that place. I have let go of so much that I feel there is

> only a small flicker of my true self. It is like my foo represents

a

> village that burned to the ground, there is no returning and all

> that I learned there I no longer need as I set out for a new land.

> But everything is so new, I am so new, nothing feels familiar or

> sound. I feel between worlds and in a sense I am. I suppose this is

> the discovery process and I feel that I need to be still and that I

> am forced to just be fully present and yet I never learned how to

do

> that either and so it feels terrifying at times. I look around and

> everyone seems to have their place, their family, their role and I

> wonder if they can see the terror in my face. I look ahead with

> determination amidst my fear, but I feel as though after letting go

> of so much that I have only a flicker of light to keep me going.

> Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

>

> I feel I am at a crucial place in my recovery/discovery process and

> I do feel for us KO's it is both, acknowledging that which is not

us

> (fleas) and connecting to that which is (true self). I ended

contact

> with nada after dad died and now nada is dead and gone and I have

no

> more illusions about my childhood or the damage I incurred. I know

> the damage, I see it all for what it is. I cannot return to that

> fantasy, that place.

*******I am learning that I still haven't given up the fantasy

place. Intellectually, I really want to. But my emotions are

holding on to it, and at a level of emotion that I don't go too very

often because of all of the hurt. This is VERY FRUSTRATING to me, to

say the least. I know within my heart that this is the way to be

healed, and yet I don't move in that direction. (Sometimes I do fall

in that direction - when a situation is so bad that I have to do

something.)

I have let go of so much that I feel there is

> only a small flicker of my true self. It is like my foo represents

a

> village that burned to the ground, there is no returning and all

> that I learned there I no longer need as I set out for a new land.

> But everything is so new, I am so new, nothing feels familiar or

> sound. I feel between worlds and in a sense I am. I suppose this is

> the discovery process and I feel that I need to be still and that I

> am forced to just be fully present and yet I never learned how to

do

> that either and so it feels terrifying at times.

*****This is a very powerful description. I have been in this

situation many times, but I could not describe it as you have. I

have come to understand my terror is from the fear I have because I

am doing something that nada would not approve of (i.e., that would

be ANYTHING that I WANT to do!) This is where I am now, in getting

ready to go to the family wedding I have been talking about. I can't

return to the old behavior, but any new behavior seems very

uncomfortable, and I am very unsure of everything I am doing. It is

taking alot of mental effort to keep myself from falling backwards.

I look around and

> everyone seems to have their place, their family, their role and I

> wonder if they can see the terror in my face.

*****Not too many will see that terror. Most of these people are

probably wondering what you are thinking about them. Only some very

sensitive souls will be atuned to your fear. Also, they may be

seeing strengths in you that you don't realize are there. We didn't

make it through KO-hood by being weak!

I look ahead with

> determination amidst my fear, but I feel as though after letting go

> of so much that I have only a flicker of light to keep me going.

> Thanks for listening.

*******Your determination is the fuel for that flicker of light....it

will not burn out. And you can always come here for more fuel when

you want to.

Take care of yourself!

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

I want to FLY!!!!

Oh boy do I ever, however something solid to stand upon would probably be

better..

Kim

In a message dated 10/6/2004 9:37:15 PM Eastern Standard Time,

free_spirit_etc@... writes:

When you have come to the edge of all the light you have

And step into the darkness of the unknown

Believe that one of the two will happen to you

Either you'll find something solid to stand on

Or you'll be taught how to fly!

- Overton; Bach; Livingston Seagul