Re: my family doesn't understand

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/14/2008 9:11:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

Skbradfield@... writes:

I felt he was somewhat being pushed by my making him go and

face the stress but I wanted to make it as good experience as possible so I

tried to alleviate additional stress while he was there.

Facing some stress/fear is always a good exercise (for us all), but with OCD

there is a fine line. Very little progress for an " average " (I so hate that

word) person is nothing to rejoyce over - but for someone with OCD - it

should definitely be acknowledged because their fight is so much hard than

ours.

Pushing some is " therapy " pushing to much is probably not good. Only you &

your child can determine where that line is with him.

LT

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[Guest guest]

I'd have done the same as you. And this was a family outing too.

Whether it was OCD related to cause his meltdown or just all the

stress/anxiety he's been under (what with the inpatient/partial

program) and it just catching up with him while on the outing, he

probably held back as long as he could; sometimes things just get to

you at the most inconvenient time!

But I would have tried, like you, to avoid getting him too stressed,

which I know looks like we're being too easy on them.

Did you end up having to leave the park?

Not quite the same, but with (now 19), if we would go

somewhere, say just Walmart, I knew I probably could be there no

longer than an hour. I could watch *it* start getting to him after a

bit and he'd be asking about going home. It was his OCD. I wouldn't

just drop everything and leave, sometimes he had to wait, sometimes

on purpose by me, but at the same time I didn't want to prolong his

anxiety too long or I knew he (and I) would pay for it when we got

home (OCDing a lot as soon as he's in the house).

And then there were school nights with homework. Which OCD affected

him with doing school work. So -- most nights I did everything I

could to NOT let him get stressed or anxious, as I knew that may mean

not getting any school work done. His twin would complain to me

about it, but I would tell him, again, that I did NOT want

stressed on nights we had homework. (LOL, note the *we* had

homework, since I did his writing for him and reading, etc.) So that

meant probably got to watch his favorite TV show in the

evening or whatever it might take for me to keep him de-stressed.

Now sometimes, say with TV, if his twin was wanting to watch

something, I would ask was the show he was watching

a " repeat " and if so, strongly suggest that he let twin watch other

show. And sometimes that worked. But if I could see anxiety rising

with , well, then I let him keep watching his show. And,

really, I could SEE the anxiety sometimes.

Anyway, I think we can go with our instincts as to how far to push

them. It took *effort* for your son to be on the outing if his

OCD/anxiety was bothering him, or he felt it would if he went. And

so he could probably be rewarded/complimented for going, making the

effort, because that was " work " for him.

Hard to shrug off others' comments, especially family sometimes, but

they don't live with OCD in their household or understand it. Maybe

we should pity them for their ignorance! As much as I would have

LOVED my son not to have OCD and would like to just stomp it, scream

at it, wring its neck (OCD not my son!)...I do feel I've gained some

good things from his having it; like awareness of mental illness and

treatments, how it affects him, family, how WEIRD OCD can be...well,

I just feel more educated I guess!

Hope the medication kicks in for your son soon!

>

> I am feeling so down right now that I don't know what to do. My son

is the

> worst I have seen him in a long time. We are trying to get his

medication right

> but as you know it is a slow time consuming task without much

reward. My son

[Guest guest]

One of the first things I learned as a parent of a kid with OCD is that

stress does not help – that can be outside stress or us being too hard on

them with yelling or ‘trying to be the boss’. OCD is not in the parenting

‘rule book’ and no one can tell you what to do to parent your son. I know

it’s hard to look the other way with your family but it sounds like you are

doing everything the right way. You and your husband know what does not

work – (I think all us OCD parents know what DOESN’T work ! :-)) If your

family had undergone all the therapy and inpatient stuff you have they would

know better. Our kids can’t relax until they feel completely safe and

having a parent screaming at them because they are worked up just makes the

problem worse.

You’re doing a great job, don’t let anyone else tell you that you are not.

Tracey

Chicago

_____

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of Skbradfield@...

Sent: Monday, July 14, 2008 8:11 PM

To:

Subject: my family doesn't understand

I am feeling so down right now that I don't know what to do. My son is the

worst I have seen him in a long time. We are trying to get his medication

right

but as you know it is a slow time consuming task without much reward. My son

was in patient for two days and partial for 13 days. We took him out to go

to a family event at my mom's house in which we went to a Dollywood and the

mountains for a over night trip. My son had a melt down at Dollywood and his

anxiety was terrible to the point you couldn't reason with him. I tried to

keep

his stress level to a low level so he would not fall apart. I then get

criticized for being too soft on him but if I fought him it would have ended

up a

worst disaster. I felt he was somewhat being pushed by my making him go and

face the stress but I wanted to make it as good experience as possible so I

tried to alleviate additional stress while he was there. Do you feel I was

wrong in doing this? My sister's who have this kids that don't have any

problems

don't understand the shoes I walk in and they like to make my mom think that

I need to be firm with him and that he is faking to get attention. I have

been to all his counseling appointments and what you sometimes think he is

doing

is not as it appears. There is usually this alternative motive that is

driving him such as thought he can't get rid of or he can't handle the

feelings

he is having so he is willing to do anything to get rid of it. They want my

husband to show him who is boss. Well, my husband tried that technique over

the

years to only cause a riff in their relationship. He is trying repair their

relationship by listening and reasoning with my son. What do you think?

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[Guest guest]

Something that has worked for me in regards to family members is to talk

about my child in a sympathetic way. For example: if my daughter was

flipping out because she was over-stimulated, I would say in a subdued voice

something about her doctor telling us that this might happen and poor kid and I

should take her for a walk to get her away from the noise, etc. I also used

words like doctor, specialist, syndrome, disease, disorder, and whatnot. I

am very open about the OCD and talk to family members about medical findings

and the fact that it can be seen on a PET scan and that sometimes it has to be

treated with antibiotics. Over time, my family has become pretty accepting

of it. Usually, their negative remarks stem from feeling sorry for me

because of the stress the OCD causes me! Also, when they say things like, " I

think

she is manipulating you " I respond with an answer something to the effect

of " I used to think so too but now that I am informed, I know that it is

caused by... " By talking to them like I almost agree with them while actually

setting the record straight, I have made a lot of progress. There were many

times

when I had to remove my kids from situations (both have OCD) or refuse to do

things with other people because of the anxiety they felt. As someone said

in an earlier post, there is a fine line for people with OCD. It doesn't

always seem to make sense that something fun can cause so much trouble for a

person but it can. Good luck, Kelley in NV

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[Guest guest]

>

> I am feeling so down right now that I don't know what to do. My son

is the

>

I think we have all been in the same position at some time or another

and it can be very difficult. I have let pressure from relatives (mom

and step dad especially but brothers too) change the way I behave,

treat or interact with my child and always later regretted it,

terrribly.

I have come to a point where I have learned to trust my feelings and

decisions and let them think what they want.

For years I have dealt with the same criticism, " Your being to

easy " , " You always give in " , " You both let her control the family "

etc etc etc!

When my dd was first diagnosed they even had the nerve to blame us

and how we let her have so much control and babied her caused her

OCD! AAAHHHH!

Anyhow my best advice is trust yourself - dont ever do things

differently even when you are with relatives, than you normally

would, no matter how much pressure you feel. You know your child best

and what works and what doesnt in the moment.

You are doing an awesome job!

Hugs

Melinda

[Guest guest]

Thank you SO MUCH for all of the feed back. I don't know what I would do

without all of you! I HATE that my son has to go through all he does. What my

family doesn't know is how bad my son feels about himself. He puts himself down

enough without having them do it too. He just trusted them to love him no

matter what he does and it is VERY hurtful to me that they can't just support

him instead of criticizing him. It is like kicking a horse when he is down on

the ground. We are a VERY close nit family and I am very disappointed in them.

I do feel one of my sisters and my mom would be a little more understanding

if they weren't being led by my younger sister who is a special ed major. She

graduated with honor but has only taught for two years and is now telling me

she plans to never work again. Yet she thinks she know EVERYTHING and she

convinces my mom and sister that my son just needs basically tough love. The

funny thing is ... Never has she been able to show me how it is " SUPPOSE " to

be done and my son respond positive to her. When his anxiety is up he needs

understanding not more pressure. She pushes his buttons until he goes off and

then the rest of the family jumps in and says yea he shouldn't act like that

you should disciple him for acting that way.

My younger daughter is with them for the next several weeks. I let her go

because she needed a break from my son who is going through a hard time and is

undergoing medication changes. Well, she listens to them complain about us

and Hayden and I worry about it because she isn't old enough to understand. I

don't want to punish her and not let her see the family because of her brother

but not sure how to handle the situation.

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[Guest guest]

Hugs to you! The family stuff can be so hard. Just know that others

can never understand unless they live with this. It's easy to look

from afar and thing you have answers. When you are in crisis or

coping mode sometimes you just get through it. Stress and situations

can quickly put these kids in coping mode, if they are not there

already, and all we can do is support them through it.

You may need to take a step back from family to get your bearings.

Sometimes you need to self protect, and protect your son too. With a

close knit family sometimes boundaries are crossed, if they even

exits!(thinking of my own situation). When you feel more sure of

what you are doing, that it is what you feel is right for your son,

their criticism will bounce off you. Trouble is, it's hard to feel

certain about anything where OCD is concerned... There is no

parenting course for this one!

Hang in there and hugs!

Barb

>

> Thank you SO MUCH for all of the feed back. I don't know what I

would do

> without all of you! I HATE that my son has to go through all he

does. What my

> family doesn't know is how bad my son feels about himself. He puts

himself down

> enough without having them do it too. He just trusted them to love

him no

> matter what he does and it is VERY hurtful to me that they can't

just support

> him instead of criticizing him. It is like kicking a horse when he

is down on

> the ground. We are a VERY close nit family and I am very

disappointed in them.

[Guest guest]

Would it help if you gave them a good, instructive book on OCD? One

that is written by an expert. . That explains OCD well? Would they

read it? Would they change their opinion, if they read it?

It might be worth a try, IF it would help.

Some good books are:

What to do when your Child has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:

Strategies and Solutions by Aureen Pinto Wagner Ph.D.

Freeing Your Child from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Powerful,

Practical Program for Parents of Children and Adolescents by Tamar E.

Chansky

Talking Back to OCD by March

Just a suggestion. )

BJ

> Thank you SO MUCH for all of the feed back. I don't know what I

would do

> without all of you! I HATE that my son has to go through all he

does. What my

> family doesn't know is how bad my son feels about himself. He puts

himself down

> enough without having them do it too. He just trusted them to love

him no

> matter what he does and it is VERY hurtful to me that they can't

just support

> him instead of criticizing him. It is like kicking a horse when he

is down on

> the ground. We are a VERY close nit family and I am very

disappointed in them.

> I do feel one of my sisters and my mom would be a little more

understanding

> if they weren't being led by my younger sister who is a special ed

major. She

> graduated with honor but has only taught for two years and is now

telling me

> she plans to never work again. Yet she thinks she know EVERYTHING

and she

> convinces my mom and sister that my son just needs basically tough

love. The

> funny thing is ... Never has she been able to show me how it is

" SUPPOSE " to

> be done and my son respond positive to her. When his anxiety is up

he needs

> understanding not more pressure. She pushes his buttons until he

goes off and

> then the rest of the family jumps in and says yea he shouldn't act

like that

> you should disciple him for acting that way.

> My younger daughter is with them for the next several weeks. I let

her go

> because she needed a break from my son who is going through a hard

time and is

> undergoing medication changes. Well, she listens to them complain

about us

> and Hayden and I worry about it because she isn't old enough to

understand. I

> don't want to punish her and not let her see the family because of

her brother

> but not sure how to handle the situation.

>

>

>

> **************Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the

live music

> scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com!

> (http://www.tourtracker.com?NCID=aolmus00050000000112)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you son was overwhelmed and the trip was too stressful for him.

Trying to humilate him or correct him would only lead to more anger and anxiety.

It

is so hard to justify his behavior but just think how hard it is for him to

know how people perceive him. It hurts him and the ones who love him.

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