Re: SAD-Dan

[Guest guest]

Hi Dan,

I can tell from your other posts that you're going through some

rough stuff right now so I'm trying to respond carefully. However, I

was surprised by the tone of your response because it came off as

really patronizing to me and I can't see that you would intend that.

Now, I know that a lot of my below response has to do with my own

frustration and shame/guilt about chronic pain, however, I also

think that you would get pissed off with me if I suggested some sort

of simple solution for your BIID.

You definitely pushed some buttons because you seem to suggest that

there's a simple " common sense " answer to SAD and in my case that is

absolutely (and how many times could I possibly underline that) not

true. And, while this particular aspect of the annoyance has nothing

to do with you specifically, I'm tired of people suggesting easy

answers to my chronic pain when I have literally tried all the

mainstream and alternative therapies (except biofeedback and I'd do

it if it was available here) there are available for my symptoms.

I've read tons, done tons and know more than most doctors about

migraines and serotonin imbalance.

Going for a long walk around mid-day is not a way to combat extreme

cases of SAD/serotonin imbalance. I know because I spend 1 1/2 - 2

hours every day outside between 11-2 and have done so when I lived

in Australia, England, Germany and now in Denmark over the past 5

years.

I go for walks during this time because I've read all those reports

about it being good for you and it's my favourite time to exercise.

Plus I love hiking and with the exhaustion and migraines in the

morning I usually don't make it out until around 11 anyways. I

purposefully got a specific breed of dog (Samoyed) in February that

needs 1 hour of exercise every day so that I had to absolutely

commit to this routine for the next 12 or so years. We regularly go

for extra 2-3 hour hikes but there's been a couple of days with

super bad migraines when I've been unable to walk her for long

periods and she literally eats the wallpaper off of our walls. Big

incentive and that's how I want it because I know these kind of

habits are essential to caring (not just trying to force healing)

for myself through chronic pain.

However, in my case, midday walks alongside 1 hour of yoga everyday,

therapy, tons of self help, chiropractor, aromatherapy etc. are

helping me to get to know and care for myself in a nurturing way

that I was never taught (forget that, never allowed by nada to take

care of myself when I could be caretaking her)...Lost my train of

thought, anyways I do lots of " common sense " things that

are " supposed " to make me better. And not a single one of them has

helped the migraines, the extreme exhaustion, the sluggish thought

processes, the depression and the high anxiety...except this. I

haven't been able to work in 1 1/2 years.

I went from being a rising star as an Assistant Professor in my

university department to barely being able to get up and wash in the

mornings. It's been a really big ego-bruising experience to go

through all this pain - and like said - feel like it's my

fault because I've been " doing this to myself " .

Your suggestion about walking outside isn't a problem, but it isn't

actually true for serious cases of SAD and something about the way

you wrote it really set me off. Can you see where I'm coming from?

Nadine

> I think a good and cheap way to combat SAD is to spend more time

> oudoors. Go for a long walk around mid-day. If the weather is

> crummy, bundle up and spend even longer to get enough light.

There

> are health benefits in addition to reducing SAD.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

Dan,

Thanks for the apology.You didn't hurt my feelings, but I was very

annoyed. A lot of that stuff was my own junk though as I tried to

point out. Maybe I'm also jealous that just going for a walk helps

you, but then I think most people in Northern climates suffer from

winter blues to some degree and it is very sensible that you've

found a way to deal with this. By the way, if it's okay to ask, how

does your BIID fit in with you loving to go for walks but also

feeling like you need to get rid of your leg? Are the two

experiences of your body completely separate? If these questions are

too intrusive, just ignore them.

Anyways, studies here in Scandanavia show that serious cases of SAD

or serotonin imbalance need very specific treatment. Bright Light

therapy helps to raise the level of melatonin production in your

brain (and thereby the serotonin levels) but only under very

specific circumstances. For this to scientifically work, you

actually have to begin the therapy no longer than 8 or 9 hours after

you go to bed (and this only works if you go to bed at approxmately

the same time every night, staying up late for a party can actually

cause symptoms to worsen because the light helps to reset your

circadian rhythm which in turn helps your body regulate its

melatonin production).

So, for a night owl like me that means I have to start sitting in

front of my light at 6 or 7 in the morning (and for morning people

it can be as early as 4 or 5 am - yikes). You actually have to sit

with your face 30cm away from the light (which has to give off

10,000 lux) for one hour for the first 2-3 weeks of treatment. The

treatment can be lowered to 30 minutes in the long term, but missing

2 days can put you back right where you started.

A bit complicated, but I'm glad to have finally found something that

is having such positive effects.

Nadine

> Nadine, I apologize for having hurt your feelings. I didn't mean

to

> minimize the difficulty of SAD. I just meant to offer a

suggestion,

> for anyone who hadn't tried it, to try. I think I sometimes have

a

> mild case of SAD and this is enough to help me.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

> By the way, if it's okay to ask, how

> does your BIID fit in with you loving to go for walks but also

> feeling like you need to get rid of your leg?

Good question. I also like hiking, cycling, and cross-country skiing

very much. It isn't logical. I think that in part, I do these

physical activities to compensate for dissatisfaction with my body

image - sort of the way some handicapped people are extremely

motivated to excel - and in part, the body identity problem hits me

after I do physical things because of early brainwashing that

physical activity and having fun in general wasn't OK.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dan,

Your last comment interested me. Nada made me quit all the sports I

was in at the age of 13, and I wasn't allowed to do anything like

that for the rest of my teen years. I was allowed to do whatever

else I wanted and so retreated into theatre to make sure I was out

of the house as often as possible. Bizarrely, she would start

screaming and having a tantrum if sports came on the news, " Shut it

off! Shut it off! I hate sports, I can't stand them. Turn the & !§ & !!

channel. " I wonder what that was all about?

I'm interested in the way you think about your body because I used

to have the feeling that I wanted to cut my breasts off all the time

and that they weren't really my breasts, they didn't feel natural. I

wanted smaller breasts (not a mascetomy). Nada spent a lot of time

comparing our bodies and telling me how much better she looked. She

particularly like to make fun of my breasts. I had very large

breasts and never felt like they were mine or were supposed to be on

my body. Eventually I had breast reduction surgery in my early 20s

and never looked back or regretted it.

I did it because of health reasons but also because of all the

taunting I had had from nada about my breasts ( " big fat watermelons "

and so on). Whatever the reason, the surgery was a really good

experience for me and afterwards I finally felt like I had my real

body despite the huge scars I'll always have. Since then, I've

become more and more physically active until my present state where

I'm outside hiking every day and yoga-ing like crazy. However, a

little voice inside of me (I think it's a nada echo) keeps telling

me that I hate sports and exercise but I keep forcing through and

doing it. The twisted way I thought about my body (spurred on by

nada) which lead to the operation ironically eventually allowed me

to have a more active life (my breasts were too large to run with

comfortably etc.). I think the scars also satisfied me because they

showed some of the brokenness and patched-togetherness I feel

psychically. It's obviously not the same thing and not as

devastating as an operation would be to your everyday life, but it

made me think about my own experience of my body in a way I haven't

even noticed for years.

Nadine

>

> > By the way, if it's okay to ask, how

> > does your BIID fit in with you loving to go for walks but also

> > feeling like you need to get rid of your leg?

>

> Good question. I also like hiking, cycling, and cross-country

skiing

> very much. It isn't logical. I think that in part, I do these

> physical activities to compensate for dissatisfaction with my body

> image - sort of the way some handicapped people are extremely

> motivated to excel - and in part, the body identity problem hits

me

> after I do physical things because of early brainwashing that

> physical activity and having fun in general wasn't OK.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

Nadine, it seems to me that you have described a form of BIID. A

less extreme form, but still the same thing. It reinforces my idea

that it is closely connected to what we suffer at the hands of a BPD

parent.

My Nada forced me to go out for basketball. I hated it. I was no

good at it. I was humiliated. I think she only made me do it

because I hated it, although she said it was because I needed to be

more sociable. Sports that I liked - hiking, cycling - she tolerated

at best. It was part of a pattern, for me and my sister and my

brother. Anything we liked or were good at, she put down.

- Dan