Re: Was I cried - now - FOO roles in group-Debbie

[Guest guest]

Debbie:

Well - based on what you say about childhood - it looks like the

Family Hero which shifted to the smoehwhat of the ScapeGoat. I see a

lot of the sensitivity, caring and emotional honesty in you (of the

scapegoat) - but not the acting out in negative ways - or diverting

attention from the real issues.

It would be interesting to find some info on these roles as people

grow and evolve. Like how does a scapegoat evolve? how does a family

hero evolve, etc.

Free

http://www.joy2meu.com/DysfunctionalFamilies.htm

There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive

growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional

family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while

others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes

(i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all

of the roles at one time or another.

" Responsible Child " - " Family Hero "

This is the child who is " 9 going on 40. " This child takes over the

parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-

sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good

on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the

prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are

good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely

judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and

secretly of themselves. They achieve " success " on the outside and

get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner

emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven

as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their " success " in conforming to

dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing

life " right " , is often the child in the family who as an adult has

the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within

themselves that needs to be healed.

" Acting out child " - " Scapegoat "

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most

emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension

and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from

the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in

school because they get attention the only way they know how - which

is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why

they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very

cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be

very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the

first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

>

>

>

>

> Do any of you notice that you are repeating some of your

> FOO " assigned " role in the group interactions? (either in

positive or

> negative ways).

>

> I'd be interested to have some insight on that.

>

> Free

>

> Free,

> I was considered the bad child even when I was being good. I also

had to tote my brothers on my hips most of the time. I nearly always

changed their messy diapers. I was a shoulder for my mother to cry

on. I was the consoler of my siblings. When I got older if I had

something nice, somehow mother ended up with it. If I had money

somehow mother ended up with it. I don't say that she stole it. I

gave it freely because I would feel guilty if I didn't. Now mother

gets mad at me if I don't do the same thing. But that was 26 years

ago, you would think that by now she would know that I am not going

to let my babies do without for her or anyone else.

> We were all beating posts and someone to curse at, But I think

that I recieved more than the rest.

> Over the years anytime 2 of my 3 brothers or either of my 2

sisters were in trouble they came to me for help with them. But after

they hit 20 or so years old they pretty well started doing for

themselves. Especially as I had children at the time & couldn't

always help them out with more than a place to stay & transportation

to and from work.

> I do try to give advice if someone seems like they need it, I try

to give comfort if they need it. If they are hungry I try to feed

them. I will even give them clothes if they need them and I have a

few to spare or I think I can get more fairly soon.

> There was so much chaos and hell raising at my home when I was

growing up that I cannot take a whole lot of arguing. Fighting in my

home is absolutely forbidden and so is being mean to each other. I

cannot handle it and if too much goes on I just bust out crying and

then I get mad. I take everything away from the kids until it stops.

When my husband & I were fighting a lot, I thought a lot about just

ending it all. But then experience has taught me that things get

better if you just ride the waves.

> Anyway, I don't exactly know what to call myself. I did get

excellent grades in school, but after my Granddaddy died, I just lost

heart. I turned to drugs and later to alcohol. I thought I wanted to

be a nurse. But when he was gone, my dreams just seemed so empty.

Anyway, You can tell me what you think the role is and whether it

matches what I did in my childhood.

> Debbie

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go

to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

----------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Free,

As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness that I had never had

before. Mother would ask me where I was going and what time I would be back. I

usually told her that I had no idea where I was going or when I would be back.

She tried to kill me for that one, but I was being honest. I had no idea where I

was going I only knew that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I

also didn't know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt

complete again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at a time,

come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be gone again. I usually

only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was also usually up the whole time I

was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that she wasn't hitting

me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I really didn't care. After that

she just used her fists on me, That was easier to take because it didn't hurt

as bad. her This was also when I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so

mad at her that I told her F--- Off.

RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my possession. My Aunt sent

it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address for 3 1/2 years. Longer than

that actually since she lived in this house right before we moved in. She has

lived in her new place 3 months (?) and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I

would like to say that it doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts

and kind of pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when she

wants something from me & not until then.

But then again I have accused her of only coming around when she wants

something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she knows that her tricks

are out of the bag. I think that is why she hasn't contacted me. Even when she

came to apologize, she wanted to use my phone for free long distance and that is

why she decided to apologize to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal

even after she apologized.

Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself from her. When I was

17, I left for the west coast & had no more than 3 contacts with her in 5 or 6

years. That is where I did most of my growing up. I lived in California and then

in Washington State. God that felt so good to live so far away from her. When

and I married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once a

month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years. That was great

also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less tense all the time.

So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I think that I am

feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts me, then I will send her the

letter that I showed the group. If she doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I

doubt it, but I can enjoy the lull for now. The only problem is that I am

dreading the contact that I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on

today.

Debbie

Re: Was " I cried " - now - FOO roles in group-Debbie

Debbie:

Well - based on what you say about childhood - it looks like the

Family Hero which shifted to the smoehwhat of the ScapeGoat. I see a

lot of the sensitivity, caring and emotional honesty in you (of the

scapegoat) - but not the acting out in negative ways - or diverting

attention from the real issues.

It would be interesting to find some info on these roles as people

grow and evolve. Like how does a scapegoat evolve? how does a family

hero evolve, etc.

Free

http://www.joy2meu.com/DysfunctionalFamilies.htm

There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive

growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional

family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while

others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes

(i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all

of the roles at one time or another.

" Responsible Child " - " Family Hero "

This is the child who is " 9 going on 40. " This child takes over the

parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-

sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good

on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the

prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are

good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely

judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and

secretly of themselves. They achieve " success " on the outside and

get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner

emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven

as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their " success " in conforming to

dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing

life " right " , is often the child in the family who as an adult has

the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within

themselves that needs to be healed.

" Acting out child " - " Scapegoat "

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most

emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension

and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from

the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in

school because they get attention the only way they know how - which

is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why

they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very

cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be

very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the

first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

>

>

>

>

> Do any of you notice that you are repeating some of your

> FOO " assigned " role in the group interactions? (either in

positive or

> negative ways).

>

> I'd be interested to have some insight on that.

>

> Free

>

> Free,

> I was considered the bad child even when I was being good. I also

had to tote my brothers on my hips most of the time. I nearly always

changed their messy diapers. I was a shoulder for my mother to cry

on. I was the consoler of my siblings. When I got older if I had

something nice, somehow mother ended up with it. If I had money

somehow mother ended up with it. I don't say that she stole it. I

gave it freely because I would feel guilty if I didn't. Now mother

gets mad at me if I don't do the same thing. But that was 26 years

ago, you would think that by now she would know that I am not going

to let my babies do without for her or anyone else.

> We were all beating posts and someone to curse at, But I think

that I recieved more than the rest.

> Over the years anytime 2 of my 3 brothers or either of my 2

sisters were in trouble they came to me for help with them. But after

they hit 20 or so years old they pretty well started doing for

themselves. Especially as I had children at the time & couldn't

always help them out with more than a place to stay & transportation

to and from work.

> I do try to give advice if someone seems like they need it, I try

to give comfort if they need it. If they are hungry I try to feed

them. I will even give them clothes if they need them and I have a

few to spare or I think I can get more fairly soon.

> There was so much chaos and hell raising at my home when I was

growing up that I cannot take a whole lot of arguing. Fighting in my

home is absolutely forbidden and so is being mean to each other. I

cannot handle it and if too much goes on I just bust out crying and

then I get mad. I take everything away from the kids until it stops.

When my husband & I were fighting a lot, I thought a lot about just

ending it all. But then experience has taught me that things get

better if you just ride the waves.

> Anyway, I don't exactly know what to call myself. I did get

excellent grades in school, but after my Granddaddy died, I just lost

heart. I turned to drugs and later to alcohol. I thought I wanted to

be a nurse. But when he was gone, my dreams just seemed so empty.

Anyway, You can tell me what you think the role is and whether it

matches what I did in my childhood.

> Debbie

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go

to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

----------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Free,

As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness that I had never had

before. Mother would ask me where I was going and what time I would be back. I

usually told her that I had no idea where I was going or when I would be back.

She tried to kill me for that one, but I was being honest. I had no idea where I

was going I only knew that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I

also didn't know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt

complete again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at a time,

come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be gone again. I usually

only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was also usually up the whole time I

was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that she wasn't hitting

me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I really didn't care. After that

she just used her fists on me, That was easier to take because it didn't hurt

as bad. her This was also when I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so

mad at her that I told her F--- Off.

RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my possession. My Aunt sent

it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address for 3 1/2 years. Longer than

that actually since she lived in this house right before we moved in. She has

lived in her new place 3 months (?) and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I

would like to say that it doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts

and kind of pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when she

wants something from me & not until then.

But then again I have accused her of only coming around when she wants

something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she knows that her tricks

are out of the bag. I think that is why she hasn't contacted me. Even when she

came to apologize, she wanted to use my phone for free long distance and that is

why she decided to apologize to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal

even after she apologized.

Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself from her. When I was

17, I left for the west coast & had no more than 3 contacts with her in 5 or 6

years. That is where I did most of my growing up. I lived in California and then

in Washington State. God that felt so good to live so far away from her. When

and I married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once a

month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years. That was great

also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less tense all the time.

So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I think that I am

feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts me, then I will send her the

letter that I showed the group. If she doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I

doubt it, but I can enjoy the lull for now. The only problem is that I am

dreading the contact that I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on

today.

Debbie

Re: Was " I cried " - now - FOO roles in group-Debbie

Debbie:

Well - based on what you say about childhood - it looks like the

Family Hero which shifted to the smoehwhat of the ScapeGoat. I see a

lot of the sensitivity, caring and emotional honesty in you (of the

scapegoat) - but not the acting out in negative ways - or diverting

attention from the real issues.

It would be interesting to find some info on these roles as people

grow and evolve. Like how does a scapegoat evolve? how does a family

hero evolve, etc.

Free

http://www.joy2meu.com/DysfunctionalFamilies.htm

There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive

growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional

family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while

others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes

(i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all

of the roles at one time or another.

" Responsible Child " - " Family Hero "

This is the child who is " 9 going on 40. " This child takes over the

parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-

sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good

on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the

prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are

good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely

judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and

secretly of themselves. They achieve " success " on the outside and

get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner

emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven

as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their " success " in conforming to

dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing

life " right " , is often the child in the family who as an adult has

the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within

themselves that needs to be healed.

" Acting out child " - " Scapegoat "

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most

emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension

and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from

the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in

school because they get attention the only way they know how - which

is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why

they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very

cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be

very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the

first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

>

>

>

>

> Do any of you notice that you are repeating some of your

> FOO " assigned " role in the group interactions? (either in

positive or

> negative ways).

>

> I'd be interested to have some insight on that.

>

> Free

>

> Free,

> I was considered the bad child even when I was being good. I also

had to tote my brothers on my hips most of the time. I nearly always

changed their messy diapers. I was a shoulder for my mother to cry

on. I was the consoler of my siblings. When I got older if I had

something nice, somehow mother ended up with it. If I had money

somehow mother ended up with it. I don't say that she stole it. I

gave it freely because I would feel guilty if I didn't. Now mother

gets mad at me if I don't do the same thing. But that was 26 years

ago, you would think that by now she would know that I am not going

to let my babies do without for her or anyone else.

> We were all beating posts and someone to curse at, But I think

that I recieved more than the rest.

> Over the years anytime 2 of my 3 brothers or either of my 2

sisters were in trouble they came to me for help with them. But after

they hit 20 or so years old they pretty well started doing for

themselves. Especially as I had children at the time & couldn't

always help them out with more than a place to stay & transportation

to and from work.

> I do try to give advice if someone seems like they need it, I try

to give comfort if they need it. If they are hungry I try to feed

them. I will even give them clothes if they need them and I have a

few to spare or I think I can get more fairly soon.

> There was so much chaos and hell raising at my home when I was

growing up that I cannot take a whole lot of arguing. Fighting in my

home is absolutely forbidden and so is being mean to each other. I

cannot handle it and if too much goes on I just bust out crying and

then I get mad. I take everything away from the kids until it stops.

When my husband & I were fighting a lot, I thought a lot about just

ending it all. But then experience has taught me that things get

better if you just ride the waves.

> Anyway, I don't exactly know what to call myself. I did get

excellent grades in school, but after my Granddaddy died, I just lost

heart. I turned to drugs and later to alcohol. I thought I wanted to

be a nurse. But when he was gone, my dreams just seemed so empty.

Anyway, You can tell me what you think the role is and whether it

matches what I did in my childhood.

> Debbie

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go

to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

>

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

----------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Debbie...

Getting kind of tired but wanted to get back to you..

I so much always enjoy your honesty and candor. You are real people.

I can appreciate your struggle with dreading the future. How sad that

so many todays have to be wasted on worrying about tomorrows.

Probably because we learned that if we didn't worry - we would get

hit from the side - so we keep running all the possible scenarios

through our heads... trying to anticipate what might go wrong with

anything or everything in many situations. So we will be prepared.

KO movies I guess we could call them. We keep showing ourselves

movies in our minds that are not fun to watch.

I don't know how we can stop that - or even if we should. I'm not

sure if they really do prepare us or if they merely wear us down.

But maybe we could at least add some other varieties...to show

ourselves from time to time... a few happy ending kind of movies to

show ourselves... Maybe not of nada - but any happy movie would do -

just for a break.

Free

> Free,

> As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness that I

had never had before. Mother would ask me where I was going and what

time I would be back. I usually told her that I had no idea where I

was going or when I would be back. She tried to kill me for that one,

but I was being honest. I had no idea where I was going I only knew

that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I also didn't

know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt complete

again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at a

time, come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be gone

again. I usually only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was also

usually up the whole time I was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

> I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that she

wasn't hitting me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I really

didn't care. After that she just used her fists on me, That was

easier to take because it didn't hurt as bad. her This was also when

I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so mad at her that I told

her F--- Off.

> RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my possession.

My Aunt sent it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address for 3

1/2 years. Longer than that actually since she lived in this house

right before we moved in. She has lived in her new place 3 months (?)

and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I would like to say that it

doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts and kind of

pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when she

wants something from me & not until then.

> But then again I have accused her of only coming around when she

wants something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she knows

that her tricks are out of the bag. I think that is why she hasn't

contacted me. Even when she came to apologize, she wanted to use my

phone for free long distance and that is why she decided to apologize

to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal even after she

apologized.

> Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself from

her. When I was 17, I left for the west coast & had no more than 3

contacts with her in 5 or 6 years. That is where I did most of my

growing up. I lived in California and then in Washington State. God

that felt so good to live so far away from her. When and I

married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once a

month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years. That was

great also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less tense all

the time.

> So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I

think that I am feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts me,

then I will send her the letter that I showed the group. If she

doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I doubt it, but I can enjoy the

lull for now. The only problem is that I am dreading the contact that

I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on today.

> Debbie

>

[Guest guest]

Debbie...

Getting kind of tired but wanted to get back to you..

I so much always enjoy your honesty and candor. You are real people.

I can appreciate your struggle with dreading the future. How sad that

so many todays have to be wasted on worrying about tomorrows.

Probably because we learned that if we didn't worry - we would get

hit from the side - so we keep running all the possible scenarios

through our heads... trying to anticipate what might go wrong with

anything or everything in many situations. So we will be prepared.

KO movies I guess we could call them. We keep showing ourselves

movies in our minds that are not fun to watch.

I don't know how we can stop that - or even if we should. I'm not

sure if they really do prepare us or if they merely wear us down.

But maybe we could at least add some other varieties...to show

ourselves from time to time... a few happy ending kind of movies to

show ourselves... Maybe not of nada - but any happy movie would do -

just for a break.

Free

> Free,

> As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness that I

had never had before. Mother would ask me where I was going and what

time I would be back. I usually told her that I had no idea where I

was going or when I would be back. She tried to kill me for that one,

but I was being honest. I had no idea where I was going I only knew

that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I also didn't

know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt complete

again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at a

time, come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be gone

again. I usually only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was also

usually up the whole time I was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

> I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that she

wasn't hitting me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I really

didn't care. After that she just used her fists on me, That was

easier to take because it didn't hurt as bad. her This was also when

I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so mad at her that I told

her F--- Off.

> RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my possession.

My Aunt sent it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address for 3

1/2 years. Longer than that actually since she lived in this house

right before we moved in. She has lived in her new place 3 months (?)

and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I would like to say that it

doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts and kind of

pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when she

wants something from me & not until then.

> But then again I have accused her of only coming around when she

wants something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she knows

that her tricks are out of the bag. I think that is why she hasn't

contacted me. Even when she came to apologize, she wanted to use my

phone for free long distance and that is why she decided to apologize

to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal even after she

apologized.

> Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself from

her. When I was 17, I left for the west coast & had no more than 3

contacts with her in 5 or 6 years. That is where I did most of my

growing up. I lived in California and then in Washington State. God

that felt so good to live so far away from her. When and I

married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once a

month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years. That was

great also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less tense all

the time.

> So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I

think that I am feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts me,

then I will send her the letter that I showed the group. If she

doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I doubt it, but I can enjoy the

lull for now. The only problem is that I am dreading the contact that

I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on today.

> Debbie

>

[Guest guest]

Free,

My children help me a lot. I try to concentrate on them most of the time. I have

a 22 year old whom I guess I caused to become a perfectionist. Anything she does

must be done to her specifications and she is very picky about it (Like her

mother).

Such as, if she cleans a kitchen, it is so spotless that you could eat off her

floor in an emergency. If she cleans the bathroom, you would have to use a

microscope & a measuring tape to find anything dirty or out of place. Her room

is kept spotless all the time. She still hasn't decided for sure what she wants

to be, but she wants to work with computers. She was wanting to be a locksmith,

but I guess that she has changed her mind. She is very innocent and has never

wanted to grow up. She has had 1 chaperoned date and that is all. She is

confident in her abilities, but she doesn't convey this to others. So I try to

concentrate on her a lot. I am trying to build a hard shell on the outside while

keeping the inner just as soft as can be. I am going to try to find some books

for her about portraying self confidence to the world. She just travels a

different rhythm to the beat of the drums and it shows. She needs a husband that

will love her and value her and protect her from the world. At the same time,

she doesn't wish to ever get married and never wants children. So she is going

to have to learn to not let people assume that she is a pushover. Anyway, she is

the distraction that I need right now.

Then there is Adrill. My 5 or 6 year old in a 9 year old body. At times he is a

hand full of love and vinegar combined into one. He also helps to distract me.

My 13 year old is screaming for attention in his behavior right now also.

Then there is my 15 year old who wants to travel the world and has a boyfriend

in Wales.

Then there is my husband whom I love very much and I cannot forget to give him

attention and do special things for him.

So you see, I have my hands full & I really can't deal with anymore right now.

Mother = BS

BS I don't need. I have enough real problems to deal with. She has her own

responsibilities as an adult and she needs to deal with them at least until my

kids are grown and left home, Or until she can no longer physically & mentally

able to do so.

Debbie

Re: Was " I cried " - now - FOO roles in group-Debbie

Debbie...

Getting kind of tired but wanted to get back to you..

I so much always enjoy your honesty and candor. You are real people.

I can appreciate your struggle with dreading the future. How sad that

so many todays have to be wasted on worrying about tomorrows.

Probably because we learned that if we didn't worry - we would get

hit from the side - so we keep running all the possible scenarios

through our heads... trying to anticipate what might go wrong with

anything or everything in many situations. So we will be prepared.

KO movies I guess we could call them. We keep showing ourselves

movies in our minds that are not fun to watch.

I don't know how we can stop that - or even if we should. I'm not

sure if they really do prepare us or if they merely wear us down.

But maybe we could at least add some other varieties...to show

ourselves from time to time... a few happy ending kind of movies to

show ourselves... Maybe not of nada - but any happy movie would do -

just for a break.

Free

> Free,

> As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness that I

had never had before. Mother would ask me where I was going and what

time I would be back. I usually told her that I had no idea where I

was going or when I would be back. She tried to kill me for that one,

but I was being honest. I had no idea where I was going I only knew

that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I also didn't

know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt complete

again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at a

time, come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be gone

again. I usually only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was also

usually up the whole time I was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

> I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that she

wasn't hitting me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I really

didn't care. After that she just used her fists on me, That was

easier to take because it didn't hurt as bad. her This was also when

I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so mad at her that I told

her F--- Off.

> RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my possession.

My Aunt sent it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address for 3

1/2 years. Longer than that actually since she lived in this house

right before we moved in. She has lived in her new place 3 months (?)

and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I would like to say that it

doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts and kind of

pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when she

wants something from me & not until then.

> But then again I have accused her of only coming around when she

wants something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she knows

that her tricks are out of the bag. I think that is why she hasn't

contacted me. Even when she came to apologize, she wanted to use my

phone for free long distance and that is why she decided to apologize

to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal even after she

apologized.

> Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself from

her. When I was 17, I left for the west coast & had no more than 3

contacts with her in 5 or 6 years. That is where I did most of my

growing up. I lived in California and then in Washington State. God

that felt so good to live so far away from her. When and I

married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once a

month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years. That was

great also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less tense all

the time.

> So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I

think that I am feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts me,

then I will send her the letter that I showed the group. If she

doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I doubt it, but I can enjoy the

lull for now. The only problem is that I am dreading the contact that

I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on today.

> Debbie

>

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Free,

My children help me a lot. I try to concentrate on them most of the time. I have

a 22 year old whom I guess I caused to become a perfectionist. Anything she does

must be done to her specifications and she is very picky about it (Like her

mother).

Such as, if she cleans a kitchen, it is so spotless that you could eat off her

floor in an emergency. If she cleans the bathroom, you would have to use a

microscope & a measuring tape to find anything dirty or out of place. Her room

is kept spotless all the time. She still hasn't decided for sure what she wants

to be, but she wants to work with computers. She was wanting to be a locksmith,

but I guess that she has changed her mind. She is very innocent and has never

wanted to grow up. She has had 1 chaperoned date and that is all. She is

confident in her abilities, but she doesn't convey this to others. So I try to

concentrate on her a lot. I am trying to build a hard shell on the outside while

keeping the inner just as soft as can be. I am going to try to find some books

for her about portraying self confidence to the world. She just travels a

different rhythm to the beat of the drums and it shows. She needs a husband that

will love her and value her and protect her from the world. At the same time,

she doesn't wish to ever get married and never wants children. So she is going

to have to learn to not let people assume that she is a pushover. Anyway, she is

the distraction that I need right now.

Then there is Adrill. My 5 or 6 year old in a 9 year old body. At times he is a

hand full of love and vinegar combined into one. He also helps to distract me.

My 13 year old is screaming for attention in his behavior right now also.

Then there is my 15 year old who wants to travel the world and has a boyfriend

in Wales.

Then there is my husband whom I love very much and I cannot forget to give him

attention and do special things for him.

So you see, I have my hands full & I really can't deal with anymore right now.

Mother = BS

BS I don't need. I have enough real problems to deal with. She has her own

responsibilities as an adult and she needs to deal with them at least until my

kids are grown and left home, Or until she can no longer physically & mentally

able to do so.

Debbie

Re: Was " I cried " - now - FOO roles in group-Debbie

Debbie...

Getting kind of tired but wanted to get back to you..

I so much always enjoy your honesty and candor. You are real people.

I can appreciate your struggle with dreading the future. How sad that

so many todays have to be wasted on worrying about tomorrows.

Probably because we learned that if we didn't worry - we would get

hit from the side - so we keep running all the possible scenarios

through our heads... trying to anticipate what might go wrong with

anything or everything in many situations. So we will be prepared.

KO movies I guess we could call them. We keep showing ourselves

movies in our minds that are not fun to watch.

I don't know how we can stop that - or even if we should. I'm not

sure if they really do prepare us or if they merely wear us down.

But maybe we could at least add some other varieties...to show

ourselves from time to time... a few happy ending kind of movies to

show ourselves... Maybe not of nada - but any happy movie would do -

just for a break.

Free

> Free,

> As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness that I

had never had before. Mother would ask me where I was going and what

time I would be back. I usually told her that I had no idea where I

was going or when I would be back. She tried to kill me for that one,

but I was being honest. I had no idea where I was going I only knew

that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I also didn't

know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt complete

again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at a

time, come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be gone

again. I usually only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was also

usually up the whole time I was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

> I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that she

wasn't hitting me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I really

didn't care. After that she just used her fists on me, That was

easier to take because it didn't hurt as bad. her This was also when

I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so mad at her that I told

her F--- Off.

> RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my possession.

My Aunt sent it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address for 3

1/2 years. Longer than that actually since she lived in this house

right before we moved in. She has lived in her new place 3 months (?)

and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I would like to say that it

doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts and kind of

pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when she

wants something from me & not until then.

> But then again I have accused her of only coming around when she

wants something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she knows

that her tricks are out of the bag. I think that is why she hasn't

contacted me. Even when she came to apologize, she wanted to use my

phone for free long distance and that is why she decided to apologize

to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal even after she

apologized.

> Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself from

her. When I was 17, I left for the west coast & had no more than 3

contacts with her in 5 or 6 years. That is where I did most of my

growing up. I lived in California and then in Washington State. God

that felt so good to live so far away from her. When and I

married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once a

month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years. That was

great also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less tense all

the time.

> So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I

think that I am feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts me,

then I will send her the letter that I showed the group. If she

doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I doubt it, but I can enjoy the

lull for now. The only problem is that I am dreading the contact that

I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on today.

> Debbie

>

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

That is so how I feel most times now days Debbie

> > Free,

> > As a teen I acted out plenty. The drugs gave me a boldness

that I

> had never had before. Mother would ask me where I was going and

what

> time I would be back. I usually told her that I had no idea

where I

> was going or when I would be back. She tried to kill me for that

one,

> but I was being honest. I had no idea where I was going I only

knew

> that I had to get out of the house or be violently ill. I also

didn't

> know when I would be back as I wouldn't be back until I felt

complete

> again enough to handle her. Sometimes I would be gone 3 days at

a

> time, come in long enough to sleep & eat one sandwhich, then be

gone

> again. I usually only ate that one sandwhich in 3 days. I was

also

> usually up the whole time I was gone. I was 16 yrs old.

> > I also took the belt away from her one time and told her that

she

> wasn't hitting me with it anymore. It made her furious, but I

really

> didn't care. After that she just used her fists on me, That was

> easier to take because it didn't hurt as bad. her This was also

when

> I was 16. I Was in my thirty's before I got so mad at her that I

told

> her F--- Off.

> > RIght now I am sitting here with her new address in my

possession.

> My Aunt sent it to me, not mother. My mother has had my address

for 3

> 1/2 years. Longer than that actually since she lived in this

house

> right before we moved in. She has lived in her new place 3

months (?)

> and hasn't bothered to write or call me. I would like to say

that it

> doesn't bother me, but to be honest it kind of hurts and kind of

> pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me. She will contact me when

she

> wants something from me & not until then.

> > But then again I have accused her of only coming around when

she

> wants something. She got upset and denied it, but I think she

knows

> that her tricks are out of the bag. I think that is why she

hasn't

> contacted me. Even when she came to apologize, she wanted to use

my

> phone for free long distance and that is why she decided to

apologize

> to begin with. Plus I was kind of stiff and formal even after

she

> apologized.

> > Anyway, I have gradually over the years been weaning myself

from

> her. When I was 17, I left for the west coast & had no more than

3

> contacts with her in 5 or 6 years. That is where I did most of

my

> growing up. I lived in California and then in Washington State.

God

> that felt so good to live so far away from her. When and I

> married, She moved too far away to visit every week or even once

a

> month. So there was little to no contact for about 12 years.

That was

> great also. I felt so free of pressure and was so much less

tense all

> the time.

> > So yes, I have had my rebellious years as a teen. And I

> think that I am feeling rebellious right now. If she contacts

me,

> then I will send her the letter that I showed the group. If she

> doesn't maybe I am free and clear. I doubt it, but I can enjoy

the

> lull for now. The only problem is that I am dreading the contact

that

> I know is forthcoming. It kind of puts a damper on today.

> > Debbie

> >

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of

contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------

>