Re: A start/Long and more to come

[Guest guest]

Kimberley, that sure is rough. I cried reading it. Nada had

Munchausen's by proxy, for sure.

Why is it that once you are abused, lots of other people can see the

scars and want some of the action? It is a heinous crime. Thieves

go to jail but these people are worse and they pat each other on the

back and go free.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

,

please keep telling your story. It's good to share/vent. You are one of the

strongest people alive! I'm soo sorry to hear how down right horrible,difficult

and frustrating things have been. I don't ussually say much here, I just take in

all the stories and know that i'm not alone. My mother also has BPD (undiagnosed

with pstd (diag) and panic attacks). I just wanted to write and give you support

with big hugs!! I know everyone hears you. I hear you and i want to hear you.

Keep talking.

keep strong,

my prayers are with you!

teagan

A start/Long and more to come

In and out, DEEP BREATHING, in and out as I type this as my hands

tremble.......

Hi, I am 31 yrs old, have 3 little ones, 4-9-12, have a husband

(controlling) he is only a year older than I, we have been married

for 13 yrs.

I have a BPD mother, and about 2002 I dropped off the face of this

list. Having had a baby in July of 2000, and being that he was my

3rd, I was feeling like I just couldn't keep up, like the failure I

was told I was always going to end up. In the yr 1997 we had a near

fatal MVA (car accident/not out fault/drunk hit us). I ended up

seeing the best of the best in MD's, ended up with a Neurologist who

also is board certified in Psychiatry. So, living with pain, living

with pain in butt in-laws (who I think I love now lol..), having a

very abusive NADA who lives in a state 10 hrs away, and of course my

beautiful, lovely children. Oh my father???? He is in England, he is

from England, as is my half brother and last grandmother living.

As a child of a BPD mother, I have suffered greatly yet had much

help. When I was younger and the " Socialite of the Area " (NADA) had

her parental rights taken away from her, I ended up living across the

country in CA with " SOCIALITES " older sister. At the young age of 15

NADA stopped talking to me, if I called her she hung up, she did not

acknowledge my B-Day's et al. All I had was a beautiful, soul filled

aunt, 2 cousins, and an adoring grandmother (who nada sucked up to, I

was like the 4th daughter in the family). Grandma loved me so very

much as I did her. My grandpa was a daddy to me, he died when I was

15....

Before the age of 15, I had been shipped off to so many other peoples

homes to live I have sort of lost count. When I was 3 I was burned

terribly on my right arm, NADA says I grabbed onto her leg while she

had a hot cup of coffee in her hand, thus it spilled all over my head

and arm, my head/face is fine however I have a third degree burn on

my arm. Recently I asked my Neuro what type of burn he thought I had,

he told me IT WAS FROM FIRE not from hot water, coffee etc.....Of

course I do not remember what happened, other than going in the car

to the MD, NADA did not want me to stay in hospital, she insisted

that she care for me herself. Day after day, she took me in to see MD

where he would change the dressings, eventually she was the one who

had to do the rest. Strange that I don't remember the actual event,

but remember everything following it- Nada had self diagnosed me with

MANY different Psychiatric problems, she made me go through so many

tests, saw so many MD's, eventually I think as I became older they

all became a bit suspicious of her. Well, until we moved and she

could start again....All I ever heard her talk about was, " Poor me,

my little girl has problems, and I just don't know what to do. Poor

me, I am divorced and have to raise a child all by myself, and my

child is a very large problem. " UMMMMMM, THE PROBLEM sadly was her

own self (and I have such a hard time with this).....She abandoned me

so many times, I felt like something died inside of me long ago....

My stress level is making me shake at the moment and I hope I can get

the rest out quick.

So nada was my whole life, I loved her more than anything as a young

gal, as father was in UK and other countries practicing law/business.

I saw him very rarely, nada claimed he was " Bipolar " which is why she

left him when I was 13 months old, she arrived back to the states,

moved in w/her parents and climbed into bed for over a year...Her

mother and father cared for me, until finally my grandmother made

NADA get up, get on the phone and speak to her old pals. Nada ends up

moving us 2 hrs away from grandparents, got a teaching job, and I was

shipped off to daycare. I was in a home daycare, another nightmare

for me, I don't even need to tell all what happened in that situation.

When I was 11 NADA moved back to her mom/dad, told me that at my age

I would give pappa a heart attack and made me live 2 hrs away at our

very good friends home. At the age of 12 I missed my family, so NADA

brings me back, still stands on the heart attack issue and ships me

over to her sicko sister and brother in laws home. Uncle in law was

VERY abusive, sexually came onto me, physically hurt me in front of

aunt, and so on and so forth. I reported this to my NADA and she

says " Good at least someone can control you! " WHHHHATTTTT!!!! I am

stuck, so I tell the school, they bring the aunt + uncle (he was a

freaking Optometrist with a Marine background) in which, I was called

a liar and only told the school those things as I was just looking to

go home. They were paid off weekly by NADA and the abuse continued.

Oh how I used to cry walking that half mile home each day, shaking

and so afraid of what the evening was to bring...

More in between these lines, but I do not want to bore anyone and I

kind of want to get to what's going on now.

So I end up in BEAUTIFUL California with my wonderful aunt, she gives

me such love and compassion, however she refused to ever listen to

anything bad about her younger sister and the sicko uncle in law. I

must say, she kept me safe, got my butt into counseling, and was the

light that kept me going. After nearly two years with her, I really

needed to see grandma as she was starting to loose it a bit, so I

worked my behind off and got a round trip ticket back home, however I

could not stay w/grandma as nada was w/her. So I instead lived with

my best friend. I had an open return on my airline ticket, so I was

able to stay as long as possible or short as possible.....I never

imagined that I would end up staying, but I did...I worked, going to

nursing school, worked in a nursing home, and fell in love with young

man who started out as a great friend. He knew everything about my

life, and was the basic reason why I did not return to CA, I always

felt like I was 10 yrs older than what I actually was. I am sure that

a great many of us do.

This young man ended up becoming my husband, we have been married

ever since. His parents were furious that we married at a young age,

(i would be also I think) I had never had a sexual relationship with

a man, so he was my first. Of course YES I will tell you that I did

end up pregnant and I refused to get an abortion, his parents tried

as hard they could to force me to get an abortion, I REFUSED. They

told my husband that if I " complied " they would buy him his own place

at college, a new car and I would be rewarded......Ok, another

different topic all together.

So here I am again, 2 yrs ago I left and started having the biggest

meltdown of my life. I was burning out, I was running children all

over the place, making dinners, lunches and dealing with other

stressors. I have chronic pain, the pain level makes my life

different from most, as I am unable to pick my 4 yr old up, I cannot

stand on my feet for long periods of time, etc, etc, etc.....I have

documented, real PAIN, have had surgeries, and tried everything for

pain in the natural sense. Finally I was placed on round the clock

pain meds (since about '98-now), however I was off them when pregnant

with bambino #3, I ended up on bedrest for most of the pregnancy. If

anyone thinks that is great, trust me, it STINKS as you have no

control over life, your children are in plays or ballet and you miss

that- You get so bored you feel like the walls are closing in on you.

Ahhh, but finally my beautiful son was born!! It was very hard to

handle 3 children + pain, but somehow I did it =)

Ok, I ended up meeting some very toxic friends who I just thought

were fabulous, I was in the neighborhood talking to a neighbor who

would talk about another neighbor, it went round and round, till one

day I walked across the backyards and overheard them laughing about

ME, calling me a " GOOF " and many other things. It made me so sad, but

it also made me aware that this is what life is really like-Grown

up's behave like 12/13 yr olds....Looked at my life situation and

gradually got out of the toxic " friendly " relationships. Oh it hurt

me so bad to do so, but I knew that I needed to stay away from that

back and forth nonsense. If they are talking to you about another

good friend you know darned well that they are talking to your good

friend about you. Rumors go hand in hand, feelings are broken......It

was the worst when I realized that I had shared in confidence some

very " secret " family (husbands side) history, and that the history

had gotten out in this small town- So yes, I beat myself up inside-

I ran and ran and ran, I became so thin, as I was not eating well, I

was not paying attention to how much I was drinking (fluid wise not

Alcohol as I do not drink the stuff), we had a fire in our garage,

caused by an electric fence and another cord, we were forced to move

in with the in-laws (oh my gawd you could feel the stress)...I became

so run down, that I ended up with Pneumonia, MD, put me on Z-PACK

that did not touch it, so then I was put on BIAXIN. The first two

days on BIAXIN I felt so horrible, I had a bad feeling so I called

the MD, he said I was FINE.....After that I remember NOTHING!!!! I

was left in my bed, home alone, husband not paying attention to what

was happening, well I was taking EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL, SUDAFED, you

name it, anything to get rid of the fever, the shakes and the

horrible feeling inside, I had fallen down steps in front of my

children, had lost consciousness walking across the hallway, where I

fell hard on the tile, head first into a glass door..Why did my

husband just pick me up and put me back in bed? My best friend was

flipping out she lives out of this country, she kept telling him to

get me to hospital ASAP as her husband is an MD... My husbands family

MADE him take me to hospital, I have no memory as I was in a coma...I

lost so much weight, that at 5'6 I was under 105lbs- My lowest has

only ever been 125..... I was so out of it, I lost hearing in one

ear, my speech was messed up, and memories were all gone...One by one

they did come back, but I am missing a few months, and I also forget

things very easily. This was March 11, the fire was in early FEB.

MY NADA moves into our home that WE had just moved back into after

living with in-laws, and after me laying around out of it unable to

do the most simple of tasks. We had all of our clothes professionally

cleaned, when they were returned (and I mean my entire house full of

clothing) they were in bags, all jumbled up. It would take me forever

to figure out what was what- SOOO as I was sick, NADA takes over with

my children + house, husband cannot stand her, each day a new story

for me to listen to in hospital (over 10 days in hospital)....The

children were a MESS and would whisper in my ear that they disliked

my mother and that she was really mean.

Is it ok, I am going to leave off here and continue to cut to the end

of what ended up happening....This is draining to me, I hate going

back, but I think I should so that everyone can get to know me better.

Later today I shall finish off with what happened after the hospital-

Thanks to all who wrote, I am thinking that I lost control of every

aspect in my life and my weight was the one thing I could actually

control. Now, this is in retrospect, cause during the time I was

losing all that weight, I never saw myself as disgusting, or to thin.

People told me over and over again, but I just brushed it off....Now

that I am better, I cannot begin to tell you what I actually looked

like when I first saw myself in the hospital-

More to come, and thanks again everyone! Unless this is just to much?

Yours,

Kimberley

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Oh gosh, what a day i have had- I am so glad to be back on track with

this list...I needed to hear some positive feedback, as I ended up in

tears for most of today. I knew it would be very hard to write what I

did, and still I need to continue what happened after the hospital.

Today was a start, I ended up having severe panic attacks, and I knew

that may happen. I am glad I wrote and so appreciate everyone who has

written life stories, and actually listened to part of mine. Thank

you is just a small part of what I will eventually write back to

others who are in this same position.

Do you all wonder if it is normal to have an emotional brackdown

after digging into part of my past history?

Thank you again to all, for offering that guiding light...I will get

there, and reading your life stories really does help me tremondosly.

Again Yours,

Kimberley (or Kim)

> ,

>

> please keep telling your story. It's good to share/vent. You are

one of the strongest people alive! I'm soo sorry to hear how down

right horrible,difficult and frustrating things have been. I don't

ussually say much here, I just take in all the stories and know that

i'm not alone. My mother also has BPD (undiagnosed with pstd (diag)

and panic attacks). I just wanted to write and give you support with

big hugs!! I know everyone hears you. I hear you and i want to hear

you. Keep talking.

>

> keep strong,

>

> my prayers are with you!

>

> teagan

> A start/Long and more to come

>

>

> In and out, DEEP BREATHING, in and out as I type this as my hands

> tremble.......

>

> Hi, I am 31 yrs old, have 3 little ones, 4-9-12, have a husband

> (controlling) he is only a year older than I, we have been

married

> for 13 yrs.

>

> I have a BPD mother, and about 2002 I dropped off the face of

this

> list. Having had a baby in July of 2000, and being that he was my

> 3rd, I was feeling like I just couldn't keep up, like the failure

I

> was told I was always going to end up. In the yr 1997 we had a

near

> fatal MVA (car accident/not out fault/drunk hit us). I ended up

> seeing the best of the best in MD's, ended up with a Neurologist

who

> also is board certified in Psychiatry. So, living with pain,

living

> with pain in butt in-laws (who I think I love now lol..), having

a

> very abusive NADA who lives in a state 10 hrs away, and of course

my

> beautiful, lovely children. Oh my father???? He is in England, he

is

> from England, as is my half brother and last grandmother living.

>

> As a child of a BPD mother, I have suffered greatly yet had much

> help. When I was younger and the " Socialite of the Area " (NADA)

had

> her parental rights taken away from her, I ended up living across

the

> country in CA with " SOCIALITES " older sister. At the young age of

15

> NADA stopped talking to me, if I called her she hung up, she did

not

> acknowledge my B-Day's et al. All I had was a beautiful, soul

filled

> aunt, 2 cousins, and an adoring grandmother (who nada sucked up

to, I

> was like the 4th daughter in the family). Grandma loved me so

very

> much as I did her. My grandpa was a daddy to me, he died when I

was

> 15....

>

> Before the age of 15, I had been shipped off to so many other

peoples

> homes to live I have sort of lost count. When I was 3 I was

burned

> terribly on my right arm, NADA says I grabbed onto her leg while

she

> had a hot cup of coffee in her hand, thus it spilled all over my

head

> and arm, my head/face is fine however I have a third degree burn

on

> my arm. Recently I asked my Neuro what type of burn he thought I

had,

> he told me IT WAS FROM FIRE not from hot water, coffee etc.....Of

> course I do not remember what happened, other than going in the

car

> to the MD, NADA did not want me to stay in hospital, she insisted

> that she care for me herself. Day after day, she took me in to

see MD

> where he would change the dressings, eventually she was the one

who

> had to do the rest. Strange that I don't remember the actual

event,

> but remember everything following it- Nada had self diagnosed me

with

> MANY different Psychiatric problems, she made me go through so

many

> tests, saw so many MD's, eventually I think as I became older

they

> all became a bit suspicious of her. Well, until we moved and she

> could start again....All I ever heard her talk about was, " Poor

me,

> my little girl has problems, and I just don't know what to do.

Poor

> me, I am divorced and have to raise a child all by myself, and my

> child is a very large problem. " UMMMMMM, THE PROBLEM sadly was

her

> own self (and I have such a hard time with this).....She

abandoned me

> so many times, I felt like something died inside of me long

ago....

>

> My stress level is making me shake at the moment and I hope I can

get

> the rest out quick.

>

> So nada was my whole life, I loved her more than anything as a

young

> gal, as father was in UK and other countries practicing

law/business.

> I saw him very rarely, nada claimed he was " Bipolar " which is why

she

> left him when I was 13 months old, she arrived back to the

states,

> moved in w/her parents and climbed into bed for over a year...Her

> mother and father cared for me, until finally my grandmother made

> NADA get up, get on the phone and speak to her old pals. Nada

ends up

> moving us 2 hrs away from grandparents, got a teaching job, and I

was

> shipped off to daycare. I was in a home daycare, another

nightmare

> for me, I don't even need to tell all what happened in that

situation.

>

> When I was 11 NADA moved back to her mom/dad, told me that at my

age

> I would give pappa a heart attack and made me live 2 hrs away at

our

> very good friends home. At the age of 12 I missed my family, so

NADA

> brings me back, still stands on the heart attack issue and ships

me

> over to her sicko sister and brother in laws home. Uncle in law

was

> VERY abusive, sexually came onto me, physically hurt me in front

of

> aunt, and so on and so forth. I reported this to my NADA and she

> says " Good at least someone can control you! " WHHHHATTTTT!!!! I

am

> stuck, so I tell the school, they bring the aunt + uncle (he was

a

> freaking Optometrist with a Marine background) in which, I was

called

> a liar and only told the school those things as I was just

looking to

> go home. They were paid off weekly by NADA and the abuse

continued.

> Oh how I used to cry walking that half mile home each day,

shaking

> and so afraid of what the evening was to bring...

>

> More in between these lines, but I do not want to bore anyone and

I

> kind of want to get to what's going on now.

>

> So I end up in BEAUTIFUL California with my wonderful aunt, she

gives

> me such love and compassion, however she refused to ever listen

to

> anything bad about her younger sister and the sicko uncle in law.

I

> must say, she kept me safe, got my butt into counseling, and was

the

> light that kept me going. After nearly two years with her, I

really

> needed to see grandma as she was starting to loose it a bit, so I

> worked my behind off and got a round trip ticket back home,

however I

> could not stay w/grandma as nada was w/her. So I instead lived

with

> my best friend. I had an open return on my airline ticket, so I

was

> able to stay as long as possible or short as possible.....I never

> imagined that I would end up staying, but I did...I worked, going

to

> nursing school, worked in a nursing home, and fell in love with

young

> man who started out as a great friend. He knew everything about

my

> life, and was the basic reason why I did not return to CA, I

always

> felt like I was 10 yrs older than what I actually was. I am sure

that

> a great many of us do.

>

> This young man ended up becoming my husband, we have been married

> ever since. His parents were furious that we married at a young

age,

> (i would be also I think) I had never had a sexual relationship

with

> a man, so he was my first. Of course YES I will tell you that I

did

> end up pregnant and I refused to get an abortion, his parents

tried

> as hard they could to force me to get an abortion, I REFUSED.

They

> told my husband that if I " complied " they would buy him his own

place

> at college, a new car and I would be rewarded......Ok, another

> different topic all together.

>

> So here I am again, 2 yrs ago I left and started having the

biggest

> meltdown of my life. I was burning out, I was running children

all

> over the place, making dinners, lunches and dealing with other

> stressors. I have chronic pain, the pain level makes my life

> different from most, as I am unable to pick my 4 yr old up, I

cannot

> stand on my feet for long periods of time, etc, etc, etc.....I

have

> documented, real PAIN, have had surgeries, and tried everything

for

> pain in the natural sense. Finally I was placed on round the

clock

> pain meds (since about '98-now), however I was off them when

pregnant

> with bambino #3, I ended up on bedrest for most of the pregnancy.

If

> anyone thinks that is great, trust me, it STINKS as you have no

> control over life, your children are in plays or ballet and you

miss

> that- You get so bored you feel like the walls are closing in on

you.

> Ahhh, but finally my beautiful son was born!! It was very hard to

> handle 3 children + pain, but somehow I did it =)

>

> Ok, I ended up meeting some very toxic friends who I just thought

> were fabulous, I was in the neighborhood talking to a neighbor

who

> would talk about another neighbor, it went round and round, till

one

> day I walked across the backyards and overheard them laughing

about

> ME, calling me a " GOOF " and many other things. It made me so sad,

but

> it also made me aware that this is what life is really like-Grown

> up's behave like 12/13 yr olds....Looked at my life situation and

> gradually got out of the toxic " friendly " relationships. Oh it

hurt

> me so bad to do so, but I knew that I needed to stay away from

that

> back and forth nonsense. If they are talking to you about another

> good friend you know darned well that they are talking to your

good

> friend about you. Rumors go hand in hand, feelings are

broken......It

> was the worst when I realized that I had shared in confidence

some

> very " secret " family (husbands side) history, and that the

history

> had gotten out in this small town- So yes, I beat myself up

inside-

>

> I ran and ran and ran, I became so thin, as I was not eating

well, I

> was not paying attention to how much I was drinking (fluid wise

not

> Alcohol as I do not drink the stuff), we had a fire in our

garage,

> caused by an electric fence and another cord, we were forced to

move

> in with the in-laws (oh my gawd you could feel the stress)...I

became

> so run down, that I ended up with Pneumonia, MD, put me on Z-PACK

> that did not touch it, so then I was put on BIAXIN. The first two

> days on BIAXIN I felt so horrible, I had a bad feeling so I

called

> the MD, he said I was FINE.....After that I remember NOTHING!!!!

I

> was left in my bed, home alone, husband not paying attention to

what

> was happening, well I was taking EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL, SUDAFED,

you

> name it, anything to get rid of the fever, the shakes and the

> horrible feeling inside, I had fallen down steps in front of my

> children, had lost consciousness walking across the hallway,

where I

> fell hard on the tile, head first into a glass door..Why did my

> husband just pick me up and put me back in bed? My best friend

was

> flipping out she lives out of this country, she kept telling him

to

> get me to hospital ASAP as her husband is an MD... My husbands

family

> MADE him take me to hospital, I have no memory as I was in a

coma...I

> lost so much weight, that at 5'6 I was under 105lbs- My lowest

has

> only ever been 125..... I was so out of it, I lost hearing in one

> ear, my speech was messed up, and memories were all gone...One by

one

> they did come back, but I am missing a few months, and I also

forget

> things very easily. This was March 11, the fire was in early FEB.

>

> MY NADA moves into our home that WE had just moved back into

after

> living with in-laws, and after me laying around out of it unable

to

> do the most simple of tasks. We had all of our clothes

professionally

> cleaned, when they were returned (and I mean my entire house full

of

> clothing) they were in bags, all jumbled up. It would take me

forever

> to figure out what was what- SOOO as I was sick, NADA takes over

with

> my children + house, husband cannot stand her, each day a new

story

> for me to listen to in hospital (over 10 days in hospital)....The

> children were a MESS and would whisper in my ear that they

disliked

> my mother and that she was really mean.

>

> Is it ok, I am going to leave off here and continue to cut to the

end

> of what ended up happening....This is draining to me, I hate

going

> back, but I think I should so that everyone can get to know me

better.

> Later today I shall finish off with what happened after the

hospital-

>

> Thanks to all who wrote, I am thinking that I lost control of

every

> aspect in my life and my weight was the one thing I could

actually

> control. Now, this is in retrospect, cause during the time I was

> losing all that weight, I never saw myself as disgusting, or to

thin.

> People told me over and over again, but I just brushed it

off....Now

> that I am better, I cannot begin to tell you what I actually

looked

> like when I first saw myself in the hospital-

>

> More to come, and thanks again everyone! Unless this is just to

much?

>

> Yours,

>

> Kimberley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered

via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go

to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dan,

Thank you, you have touched me in more ways than one. I was so scared

to share, and so appreciate your feedback...I also have been crying

on and off all day, along with the panic attacks-I again thank all of

you, believe it or not you have all touched me enough to open up

again. So how long before I begin to feel better =) YES strange it is

that once abused, they see the scars yet still yearn to be part of

the action. SICK SICK SICK they are!!

Thanks to ALL,

Kim

> Kimberley, that sure is rough. I cried reading it. Nada had

> Munchausen's by proxy, for sure.

>

> Why is it that once you are abused, lots of other people can see

the

> scars and want some of the action? It is a heinous crime. Thieves

> go to jail but these people are worse and they pat each other on

the

> back and go free.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

> Do you all wonder if it is normal to have an emotional brackdown

> after digging into part of my past history?

I think it is a good sign. It means you are feeling it and not just

intellectualizing it.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dear Sylvia.

This post brought me tears of so many different emotions (not bad, you just

hit the nail on the head). I really want to complete what really ended up

happening re:NADA- It was so horrible, and so unforgivable-

I really appreciate everyone here, and enjoy knowing once again, I am not a

nut, I am not stupid, I am not all those things that NADA brings me into

thinking.

My children have suffered terribly at such a young age, and today was a bad

day, as was yesterday. Briefly, I will tell you that my in-laws never asked,

but told us that they were taking my older two children into NYC to go

shopping for my son's Bar Mitzvah, they decided that they are picking out the

children's clothing, shoes etc....Not sure if it is normal for me to have

become so

upset, however I suggested that it would be great fun if we all went

together, they said " NO " ! I weeped last night, and really lost it, I felt so

powerless, because that was the ONE thing I wanted to do myself with the

children/husband. I would not have cared if they had been with us, but that was

not my

call. They make so many decisions in our lives sometimes I feel like I cannot

breath. Other times I feel like it is selfish for me to feel this way, to be

honest, how am I supposed to feel? Now my children are 2 hrs away from us,

for 2 days, and I am sad that I was not the one who was able to take them and

have that experience with them. Now I just think I can do it again and forget

about the shopping, we can just go and have fun.

Sorry, I am going on and on.....I thank you so much for the support, and if

I can do it later on I will finish up with what NADA did to our family- More

so, what she did to me, she has always been so jealous of my life, of my

looks, of everything....She tells me in such horrible ways, and I was so sick

when

I last saw her there was absolutely nothing I could do to stand up for

myself.

A hug to you,

Kim

In a message dated 10/2/2004 9:09:51 AM Eastern Standard Time,

smhtrain2@... writes:

You had great pressure to do one thing, but you did what

you thought was best for you. The situation could have been entirely

reversed, and I would have still felt that you stood up for

yourself.)

I am glad to hear that you are recovering physically right now. (Can

just imagine the havoc of having nada in your house, however - yuck!)

Please, please, please take care of yourself. I'll put a little

guilt on you here - your children need their mom! (I did not have as

devasting as experience as yours, but I know that my children were

the prompt for my doing many good, healthy things that I otherwise

would not have done.)

Also, please keep posting - we understand and are ready with support

and encouragement.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Hi Kimberley,

And welcome back. In 2002, when you dropped off the board, I didn't

even know about BPD. I understand that our life journeys toward

healing are all different. So maybe you needed that time away.

I was glad to read that in addition to the devastation from your

nada, you did have some people in your life who loved you, and that

you learned what it was like to be loved.

Your nada really was a controlling person. It is hard to understand

that she would live with your grandparents, and not let you live

there with her. It sounds to me that this was prompted by her being

envious of the love and affection that your grandparents had for

you.

I think you decision to have your baby instead of an abortion shows

that you do have the strength to follow your own beliefs. This is

good to know, cause we KOs often have to find that strength in order

to get out of the chaos of life with nada. (I want to explain here

that my statement is basied neither on pro-life or pro-choice

beliefs. You had great pressure to do one thing, but you did what

you thought was best for you. The situation could have been entirely

reversed, and I would have still felt that you stood up for

yourself.)

I am glad to hear that you are recovering physically right now. (Can

just imagine the havoc of having nada in your house, however - yuck!)

Please, please, please take care of yourself. I'll put a little

guilt on you here - your children need their mom! (I did not have as

devasting as experience as yours, but I know that my children were

the prompt for my doing many good, healthy things that I otherwise

would not have done.)

Also, please keep posting - we understand and are ready with support

and encouragement.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

............... Briefly, I will tell you that my in-laws never asked,

> but told us that they were taking my older two children into NYC

to go

> shopping for my son's Bar Mitzvah, they decided that they are

picking out the

> children's clothing, shoes etc....Not sure if it is normal for me

to have become so

> upset, however I suggested that it would be great fun if we all

went

> together, they said " NO " ! I weeped last night, and really lost

it, I felt so

> powerless, because that was the ONE thing I wanted to do myself

with the

> children/husband. I would not have cared if they had been with us,

but that was not my

> call. They make so many decisions in our lives sometimes I feel

like I cannot

> breath. Other times I feel like it is selfish for me to feel this

way, to be

> honest, how am I supposed to feel? Now my children are 2 hrs away

from us,

> for 2 days, and I am sad that I was not the one who was able to

take them and

> have that experience with them. Now I just think I can do it again

and forget

> about the shopping, we can just go and have fun.

*******Kim,

This is my opinion - Your in-laws were totally out of place to do

what they did. They overstepped boundaries. These are your

children, and your inlaws should be asking you if they can do this,

and they should not do anything without your okay. It would have

been a great thing if you all could go. Please do plan something to

do as a family. (Not trying to make trouble here, so you may just

want to fantasize on this, but you could go to NYC, take back the

clothes and get them something else. I know that would probably

cause more problems than you want to deal with right now......but

maybe imagining doing it will give you some relief.) And it is not

selfish to feel this way. As parents, we work hard to take care of

our children, we should also have the benefit of these fun activities

with them as well.

What does your husband do in these situations? Is it possible for you

and he to develop a strategy to deal with these situations?

Kim, I know how devastated I would feel if this had happened to me.

I too used to feel so helpless around people who did this sort of

thing. I had to learn some very hard lessons in order to change, but

I did change. I still have these feelings at times, but I know that

I can DO something, and you can too. Keep on posting. I will be

looking for what else you want to share.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

>