Re: M-I-L....has really overstepped herself now

[Guest guest]

Lona, we could probably start a whole other group on Yahoo about

meddling Mother-in-laws! LOL! I think you would be wasting your time

to try to convince her that your son has OCD. She is obviously

closed minded and has her mind made up. She will never change. Isn't

it funny that they have such selective memories of bringing up their

kids?? My MIL who lives with us (who for the most part is great)

used to make sly comments under her breath about the way that I was

handling our kids. Like " he needs to go to bed earlier " etc etc. This

is the person who NEVER said no to her kids and let them do whatever

they wanted and used to buy alcohol for my husband when he was 18 so

he would stay home and drink rather than be out drinking!! She always

favored her youngest son and he doesnt' give her the time of day.

Never appreciates my husband for all he does for her. She too can't

wrap her mind around the fact that my son has ocd. I am convinced

that my husband has it too but he has a much milder form of it than

my son. But you know what I don't really care what she thinks. He is

my son and I am raising him as I see fit and getting him all the help

he needs and I truly don't care what she thinks. After all she was

shitty mother (she is good to my kids and they ADORE her) so why

would I let her opinions bother me? Don't let her get under your skin

so much. It is great that your husband sees right thru her. Some

sons side with the moms or won't stand up to them and that leaves the

wife feeling very disrepected. I wouldn't discuss his issues with

her at all. It is none of her business. I would tell her so if she

keeps meddlin. You sound like a great mom. I wish you luck!!

>

> I have no clue what to do about my MIL...we live in PA and they

live in NY. We don't get along at all...she thinks I am not a good

mother and not good for her son. Although she allowed his father to

abuse him (mentally and physical) and she would egg him on by calling

him at work and saying I can't believe what your son did today at

school blah blah blah. She has so much denial about his childhood I

sometimes wonder if she was even there...lol..

> Anyway, the other day she sent my husband a letter telling him

that she knows that he has no privacy and that she knows I will read

this letter and she doesn't care. Mind you he gave it to me

saying...she has no clue and is totally out of it. She went on to

say that she doesn't believe our son has OCD to the form that I have

told him who has then told her. She thinks it is pretty much my

fault that our son has this problem and why can he control himself in

school but not at home. Oh..I know it is wrong..but I soo want to

just give her a piece of my mind then show her what bridge to jump

off. She said another reason why he has OCD is because we had the 2

younger boys so close in age..they are 22 months apart. She said

that I push the kids aside and that he is wanting the attention and

since he is not getting the " good " attention he is seeking the " bad "

attention. Now mind you we have no seen her in at least 2 or 3

years. This past x-mas my husbands father and sister came and stayed

for the night. And according to the sister (who can NEVER do no

wrong) our middle son (the child with OCD) was hanging all over her

and she can tell he was seeking attention. Mind you...I spend time

with each one of the boys alone everyday. It may only be 30-60

minutes...but that is better then nothing for one on one time. We do

a lot of family things a day...swimming, playing cards, going for

walks, going to the river and feeding the ducks and well normal

parenting things. My husband works as a plumber and he works crazy

hours so he is not always home before 6 or 7 at night ...this is

after leaving at 5:30 in the morning.

> She wanted to know if we have him in counsling, since that is a

one on one and private our son can tell the therpist what is

bothering him (and she thinks it is my parenting skills). I know it

shouldn't...but good greif...what a PITA. So not only am I dealing

with learning all I can about our son having OCD (before he was dx'ed

with OCD I thought it was a cleaning thing), trying to keep as much

as normal household (our son has impulse issues, reassurance issues,

hoarding, and lots more)...now I have this women who thinks she is

GOD and has all the answers but is soo out of touch with how bad she

screwed up my husband from when he was a child.

> I told my husband how much this peeved me off and he told

me...I told you she was deliousional. He wants nothing to do with

her and when he was 18 would of rathered sleep in his car then live

under his parents roof..and that is just what he did.

> She has never once told my husband that she is proud of him and

will always find a way to revert back to the " golden child " his

sister. Mind you she is 27 and still acts like she is 12. Yes...i

am not kidding you. When they came up here for x-mas break...she

brought 10 stuffed animals so she could sleep, coloring books so if

she got bored, and was happy as pooh when she got a puppy 2008

calander.

> What I want to do is find stuff on the net showing her that

while he is in school he may be able to surpress his impulses. She

doesnt' understand why in school he can be such an angel, but as soon

as he comes home...he will go " off " as my husband has told her. And

he will...he will walk in the door and just start swearing and after

about 30 minutes of going on a rant all threw the house he will calm

down and eat his snack and get his homework done.

> Anyone have an ideas, hints, or just anything....my parents are

soo understanding and are open to learning it is refreshing...but I

still feel like I want to b*@chi slap my MIL...yeah I know now

nothing good will come out of it.....but I am sure I would feel

better..even for a small amount of time...lol

>

> Thank you for letting me rant and rave....and I really home I can

get some help...

>

> Lona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lona, we could probably start a whole other group on Yahoo about

meddling Mother-in-laws! LOL! I think you would be wasting your time

to try to convince her that your son has OCD. She is obviously

closed minded and has her mind made up. She will never change. Isn't

it funny that they have such selective memories of bringing up their

kids?? My MIL who lives with us (who for the most part is great)

used to make sly comments under her breath about the way that I was

handling our kids. Like " he needs to go to bed earlier " etc etc. This

is the person who NEVER said no to her kids and let them do whatever

they wanted and used to buy alcohol for my husband when he was 18 so

he would stay home and drink rather than be out drinking!! She always

favored her youngest son and he doesnt' give her the time of day.

Never appreciates my husband for all he does for her. She too can't

wrap her mind around the fact that my son has ocd. I am convinced

that my husband has it too but he has a much milder form of it than

my son. But you know what I don't really care what she thinks. He is

my son and I am raising him as I see fit and getting him all the help

he needs and I truly don't care what she thinks. After all she was

shitty mother (she is good to my kids and they ADORE her) so why

would I let her opinions bother me? Don't let her get under your skin

so much. It is great that your husband sees right thru her. Some

sons side with the moms or won't stand up to them and that leaves the

wife feeling very disrepected. I wouldn't discuss his issues with

her at all. It is none of her business. I would tell her so if she

keeps meddlin. You sound like a great mom. I wish you luck!!

>

> I have no clue what to do about my MIL...we live in PA and they

live in NY. We don't get along at all...she thinks I am not a good

mother and not good for her son. Although she allowed his father to

abuse him (mentally and physical) and she would egg him on by calling

him at work and saying I can't believe what your son did today at

school blah blah blah. She has so much denial about his childhood I

sometimes wonder if she was even there...lol..

> Anyway, the other day she sent my husband a letter telling him

that she knows that he has no privacy and that she knows I will read

this letter and she doesn't care. Mind you he gave it to me

saying...she has no clue and is totally out of it. She went on to

say that she doesn't believe our son has OCD to the form that I have

told him who has then told her. She thinks it is pretty much my

fault that our son has this problem and why can he control himself in

school but not at home. Oh..I know it is wrong..but I soo want to

just give her a piece of my mind then show her what bridge to jump

off. She said another reason why he has OCD is because we had the 2

younger boys so close in age..they are 22 months apart. She said

that I push the kids aside and that he is wanting the attention and

since he is not getting the " good " attention he is seeking the " bad "

attention. Now mind you we have no seen her in at least 2 or 3

years. This past x-mas my husbands father and sister came and stayed

for the night. And according to the sister (who can NEVER do no

wrong) our middle son (the child with OCD) was hanging all over her

and she can tell he was seeking attention. Mind you...I spend time

with each one of the boys alone everyday. It may only be 30-60

minutes...but that is better then nothing for one on one time. We do

a lot of family things a day...swimming, playing cards, going for

walks, going to the river and feeding the ducks and well normal

parenting things. My husband works as a plumber and he works crazy

hours so he is not always home before 6 or 7 at night ...this is

after leaving at 5:30 in the morning.

> She wanted to know if we have him in counsling, since that is a

one on one and private our son can tell the therpist what is

bothering him (and she thinks it is my parenting skills). I know it

shouldn't...but good greif...what a PITA. So not only am I dealing

with learning all I can about our son having OCD (before he was dx'ed

with OCD I thought it was a cleaning thing), trying to keep as much

as normal household (our son has impulse issues, reassurance issues,

hoarding, and lots more)...now I have this women who thinks she is

GOD and has all the answers but is soo out of touch with how bad she

screwed up my husband from when he was a child.

> I told my husband how much this peeved me off and he told

me...I told you she was deliousional. He wants nothing to do with

her and when he was 18 would of rathered sleep in his car then live

under his parents roof..and that is just what he did.

> She has never once told my husband that she is proud of him and

will always find a way to revert back to the " golden child " his

sister. Mind you she is 27 and still acts like she is 12. Yes...i

am not kidding you. When they came up here for x-mas break...she

brought 10 stuffed animals so she could sleep, coloring books so if

she got bored, and was happy as pooh when she got a puppy 2008

calander.

> What I want to do is find stuff on the net showing her that

while he is in school he may be able to surpress his impulses. She

doesnt' understand why in school he can be such an angel, but as soon

as he comes home...he will go " off " as my husband has told her. And

he will...he will walk in the door and just start swearing and after

about 30 minutes of going on a rant all threw the house he will calm

down and eat his snack and get his homework done.

> Anyone have an ideas, hints, or just anything....my parents are

soo understanding and are open to learning it is refreshing...but I

still feel like I want to b*@chi slap my MIL...yeah I know now

nothing good will come out of it.....but I am sure I would feel

better..even for a small amount of time...lol

>

> Thank you for letting me rant and rave....and I really home I can

get some help...

>

> Lona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lona,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a MIL.

But I've BTDT and know exactly what you are going

through. We are still dealing with the way my in-laws

treated my husband even after 20 years together...

I don't have any articles to give you, but I'm sure

others on the group can. However, with your MIL's

personality, she is always going to have to win-no

matter what. I have lived it for 13 years of my

marriage. And believe me, we've been in counselling

ourselves for it. They just have to win. I don't

understand why, but they do.

I know it's hard, and this may sound like such simple

advice and that I don't know what I'm talking about,

but you will have to learn to let whatever she

does/say not get to you. (I know, easier said than

done-believe me, I was in therapy for it.) You have to

do what you think is best for your son and go by what

you believe to be the best course of action for him.

You are the parent. She isn't. She doesn't live with

him 24-7 to fully know what is going on. It's easy for

her to be judge and jury because she is ignorant of

what it's like to deal with this day in and day out.

But you have to learn that you do what you need to do

and your decision is what you and your husband feel is

rigtht-even if you make a mistake along the way, it is

your child and we are not all perfect.

I lived off and on with my in-laws for 8 months

because we were trying to find a place for my husband

to work near them because they had given him land to

build on, and we were going to build there. I had my

son who was 7 months at the time. I could do nothing

right. If I did it one way, she'd question why I did

it that way. Even simple things like making tea, or

peeling potatoes. She had me second-guessing myself

all the time. When we finally moved back to where we

had lived before moving in with them, it took me

several months before I could stop thinking, " I'm

making tea the WAY I WANT to! " She had that bad effect

on me.

She never took it out on me. Always took it out on my

husband. If I made her mad, she would find something

to yell and scream at my husband about. At my son's

first birthday party, I came in the house to see my

husband's brother doing dishes. I joked how I needed

to take a picture of that (because he normally gets

everyone to do things for him and doesn't do much on

his own.) She said, " MY boys ALWAYS do things for me! "

She said it so nastily that it set me off. So I

happened to close the freezer door a little harder

than normal. Well, after all was said and done, my

husband went upstairs for something and she lit into

him. The jist of the conversation/argument was that we

didn't tell her NOT to clean up at the party. (I never

thought I'd have to tell someone to not clean up. It

was our party and felt the responsibility was ours in

the first place.) But she screamed and cried and cried

and boo-hooed. Never said a word to me. He always got

the brunt of it.

Your husband is going to have to be the one to deal

with her. He's going to have to put his foot down and

tell her what you need him to say. She won't take it

from you. She won't find any validity in it coming

from you. I know. I've been there. You both will have

to make the rules as to how and when you see them. We

got to the point where we only saw hubby's parents at

a public place. His mom used to gripe about how little

we saw them. She thought she was going to be able to

run our lives forever. (Believe me, she'd ruin

holidays for me because she'd start asking April what

we were doing for Christmas-which we normally spent

with my family because I had siblings that I didn't

see for months/years that would come home at Christmas

if they could.)

Even if you guys assert your authority over your

family, your MIL is going to fight. I have read " The

Dance of Anger " and it tells how they don't like the

changes and will want you to change back into the old

ways of doing things. (I highly recommend that book).

We've had to deal with it with his entire family. Even

when we tried doing what the therapist told us to do,

we got ragged on. By his brother.

I hear you on the immaturity. My husband's family was

the most immature adults I'd ever met. I had no idea

before we got married, but when I first saw his dad

act like a 2 year-old, I was like, " What have I gotten

myself into? " I'd never seen such an immature adult.

The first time we used our teachings in therapy, his

mom didn't talk to us for 6 months!!!! The best 6

months of our married life, except it grated on my

husband. I was so mad because our daughter had started

kindergarten and she couldn't put aside her pride to

call and ask how she had done. I was pregnant at the

time and she still couldn't call and see how I was

doing. She'd get his dad to call for something and use

it as a time for him to say, " Your mother wants me to

remind you that you are wrong. " He told his dad that

if she had something to say to tell him directly and

stop going through him. (She was so predictable

though. We sent pictures of the kids from school, and

I knew that if I sent it on Monday, it would get there

on Wed. and she'd call. Sure enough, she finally

called on that Wed. Before that she'd never call. And

it was all a matter of pride.)

When I was pregnant with my first child, we called

everyone but them. For them, we drove 2 hours to their

house and spent the night to tell them in person. I

even bought a Grandma's Brag book to tell them with.

(She was always nagging us to come down and spend the

night.) She complained to everyone that we didn't CALL

them. When I had my son, I was VERY pre-eclamptic, and

was hospitalized. They came to see me in the hospital

before I had him. The morning the doctor decided I was

having him, my hubby called them. They had company

coming, so they couldn't come until the following day.

Okay, this is our first child. My husband was worried

to death because of my having to have a c-section (I

coded when I had my tonsils out) and worried about me

and the baby. He called his brother, who was a local

call and told him the baby was here, etc. His mother

whined and complained that we didn't CALL HER! So, I

was 7 months pregnant before we told her I was

pregnant with my 2nd child. Actually, they came to

take my husband out for his birthday (not me and our

son as well, just hubby), and he spilled the beans

because he was so happy it was a girl.)

She tried to run our lives the entire time she was

alive during our marriage. We finally had to cut out a

lot of time with them. They'd get mad that we didn't

stop and drop everything for them on holidays, etc.

She even got me to invite her to something that I knew

she wouldn't show up for, but she just wanted me to

invite her. We were having a 4th of July party at

night and we'd invited his brothers because they were

close. His dad didn't drive at night, so we knew they

wouldn't come because it was to start at 5pm. So, when

they came up for our son's birthday in June, she says,

" I hear you are having a party. " (Most people would

have never said a word.) I said, " Yep, it's at night.

You're more than welcome to come if you want to get a

motel room or sleep at his brother's house). She said,

" No, we won't come, it's too late at night. " She just

wanted me to invite her.

Sorry I don't have much in the way of advice. I know

it's tough to deal with and hard to just let it roll

off your back. But remember you are the parent and

what you do is what your son needs.

-Melinda

(His mom passed away in 2003 and I can't tell you what

a relief it's been. Sad to say...)

[Guest guest]

Lona,

I feel for you. My MIL and I don't get along, and it has nothing to do with

OCD. This year we have had a split in family relationships, and we no

longer communicate at all. During our 23 years of marriage she has

pretended to like me and I have tolerated her, but openly let her know we

are not friends and will not be friends. I respect her views and beliefs,

but since she doesn't show me the same courtesy, I have no need for her in

my life. When my older sons were younger, I made every attempt to have her

see them and made sure they knew that just because she and I didn't get

along, didn't mean she didn't love them and wanted to see them and spend

time with them. I explained that sometimes people just don't get along, and

it was ok. They are both adults now and see through who/what she is, and

how she behaves. With my 6yo (with OCD) I will keep her away. DD has

scrupulosity issues (and others), and MIL is mega religious. The split in

the family had nothing to do with us, but it has created a gap so wide that

we will not be attending future family events where she is present. My

husband will communicate with her if she calls him, but that's it. My SIL

says she feels so bad that her mom won't get to see my little girl, and my

response was her actions brought that about. I don't feel bad at all. It

is my job as a parent to raise my kids in a way that I feel is best for

them, her opinion doesn't mean anything to me, and I let her know that when

she oversteps.

I wouldn't waste your time sending her info on OCD. She won't learn until

she's ready, and that may not happen. It is great that your husband sees

her for what she is because that isn't always the case. As far as her

attack on your parenting skills, shift your perspective a bit and look at

where it's coming from. Just know you don't have to meet anyone's standards

of parenting but yours. It is a live and learn skill, and it adjusts

through the years and is sometimes different from child to child. If you

can't shrug it off, it may be time to limit the contact with her. Maybe you

and your husband can sit and come up with a plan on who and how she will be

handled and then present a united front. Handle your kids the way you think

is best and seek help when you need it. Just because she has an opinion

doesn't mean you want to hear it, and it is ok to let her know that.

Good luck!

Kym

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of Lona

Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2008 6:28 AM

To:

Subject: M-I-L....has really overstepped herself now

I have no clue what to do about my MIL...we live in PA and they live in NY.

We don't get along at all...she thinks I am not a good mother and not good

for her son. Although she allowed his father to abuse him (mentally and

physical) and she would egg him on by calling him at work and saying I can't

believe what your son did today at school blah blah blah. She has so much

denial about his childhood I sometimes wonder if she was even there...lol..

Anyway, the other day she sent my husband a letter telling him that she

knows that he has no privacy and that she knows I will read this letter and

she doesn't care. Mind you he gave it to me saying...she has no clue and is

totally out of it. She went on to say that she doesn't believe our son has

OCD to the form that I have told him who has then told her. She thinks it is

pretty much my fault that our son has this problem and why can he control

himself in school but not at home. Oh..I know it is wrong..but I soo want to

just give her a piece of my mind then show her what bridge to jump off. She

said another reason why he has OCD is because we had the 2 younger boys so

close in age..they are 22 months apart. She said that I push the kids aside

and that he is wanting the attention and since he is not getting the " good "

attention he is seeking the " bad " attention. Now mind you we have no seen

her in at least 2 or 3 years. This past x-mas my husbands father and sister

came and stayed for the night. And according to the sister (who can NEVER do

no wrong) our middle son (the child with OCD) was hanging all over her and

she can tell he was seeking attention. Mind you...I spend time with each one

of the boys alone everyday. It may only be 30-60 minutes...but that is

better then nothing for one on one time. We do a lot of family things a

day...swimming, playing cards, going for walks, going to the river and

feeding the ducks and well normal parenting things. My husband works as a

plumber and he works crazy hours so he is not always home before 6 or 7 at

night ...this is after leaving at 5:30 in the morning.

She wanted to know if we have him in counsling, since that is a one on one

and private our son can tell the therpist what is bothering him (and she

thinks it is my parenting skills). I know it shouldn't...but good

greif...what a PITA. So not only am I dealing with learning all I can about

our son having OCD (before he was dx'ed with OCD I thought it was a cleaning

thing), trying to keep as much as normal household (our son has impulse

issues, reassurance issues, hoarding, and lots more)...now I have this women

who thinks she is GOD and has all the answers but is soo out of touch with

how bad she screwed up my husband from when he was a child.

I told my husband how much this peeved me off and he told me...I told you

she was deliousional. He wants nothing to do with her and when he was 18

would of rathered sleep in his car then live under his parents roof..and

that is just what he did.

She has never once told my husband that she is proud of him and will always

find a way to revert back to the " golden child " his sister. Mind you she is

27 and still acts like she is 12. Yes...i am not kidding you. When they came

up here for x-mas break...she brought 10 stuffed animals so she could sleep,

coloring books so if she got bored, and was happy as pooh when she got a

puppy 2008 calander.

What I want to do is find stuff on the net showing her that while he is in

school he may be able to surpress his impulses. She doesnt' understand why

in school he can be such an angel, but as soon as he comes home...he will go

" off " as my husband has told her. And he will...he will walk in the door and

just start swearing and after about 30 minutes of going on a rant all threw

the house he will calm down and eat his snack and get his homework done.

Anyone have an ideas, hints, or just anything....my parents are soo

understanding and are open to learning it is refreshing...but I still feel

like I want to b*@chi slap my MIL...yeah I know now nothing good will come

out of it.....but I am sure I would feel better..even for a small amount of

time...lol

Thank you for letting me rant and rave....and I really home I can get some

help...

Lona

[Guest guest]

Oh, my! Your MIL is certainly a piece of work (and your SIL, too).

Truthfully? I think you are giving her way too much credit. No matter

how much research you do or how much you try to justify yourself (or your

son's OCD behavior) it isn't going to do a lick of good. She is just

looking for places to pick.

I would be sorely tempted to just burn any mail she sends -- leave it

sealed in the envelope and put a match to the corner. You are so upset

over this and it is giving your MIL exactly what she's looking for. She

is doing this to get your hackles up . . . not trying to understand or do

what is best for your family.

My suggestion would be to give it up. Let your husband deal with her if

he wishes. And if he's as fed up with her as you are then he should just

tell her kindly that he really cannot deal with her. Seriously, just say,

" Sorry, Mom. You don't understand and I'm not going to try to make you

understand. "

I'm sorry she's not helpful or at least compassionate!

Beth

[Guest guest]

Hi and (((hugs))). We lived with my mom and she didn't get OCD

either and didn't try to. Glad you all don't live close!

Here's one article I quickly found, probably more out there:

http://www.massgeneral.org/schoolpsychiatry/info_ocd.asp

>

> I have no clue what to do about my MIL...we live in PA and

they live in NY. We don't get along at all...she thinks I am not a

good mother and not good for her son. Although she allowed his

father to abuse him (mentally and physical) and she would egg him on

by calling him at work and saying I can't believe what your son did

today at school blah blah blah. She has so much denial about his

childhood I sometimes wonder if she was even there...lol..

[Guest guest]

My own mother and I have been estranged for 2 years. It's a long story,

ending in my father's suicide. Anyway, I was receiving those types of

letters as well, and what I finally decided to do to " free " myself from

the emotional roller coaster is to drop anything she sends right in the

outside trash can on my way in from getting the mail. It was disrupting

my life and occupying my thoughts so much that I had to put a stop to

it. It's very hard because you really want to see what is said, and you

want to write back and defend yourself, but really, what is there to

gain? Do you think she will have an " ah-ha " moment of OCD

enlightenment? It sounds like it's just the latest thing she can use to

pick on you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's unfair. As if your family

isn't going through enough.

Much sympathy,

Dina

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, from my husband's point of view, his mother can do no

wrong. . .So, I fall into that feeling disrespected and unsupported

category.

On the other hand, you develop an " I just don't care what they think "

attitude after a while. I suspect it's out of self preservation, or

they will make you crazy.

Fortunately, she does support our son, even if she doesn't understand

it, or care to learn. Oddly, one time she asked me where the OCD came

from. I almost laughed in her face, and wanted to scream, " From

you! " . My husband's whole family has OCD, but they oddly embrace it

and have convinced themselves that they are right in their beliefs and

behaviors, and that everyone else in the world is wrong. Somehow by

doing that, they have alleviated a lot of the anxiety typically

associated with it. So, they go through life doing all their quirky

stuff, seeing no need to change it. It's interesting to watch.

Count yourself lucky, Lona, that your m-i-l lives in another state.

It's easy to avoid them that way.

Rant away. . .That's what the group is here for. I know I've had my

turns.

BJ

> >

> > I have no clue what to do about my MIL...we live in PA and they

> live in NY. We don't get along at all...she thinks I am not a good

> mother and not good for her son. Although she allowed his father to

> abuse him (mentally and physical) and she would egg him on by calling

> him at work and saying I can't believe what your son did today at

> school blah blah blah. She has so much denial about his childhood I

> sometimes wonder if she was even there...lol..

> > Anyway, the other day she sent my husband a letter telling him

> that she knows that he has no privacy and that she knows I will read

> this letter and she doesn't care. Mind you he gave it to me

> saying...she has no clue and is totally out of it. She went on to

> say that she doesn't believe our son has OCD to the form that I have

> told him who has then told her. She thinks it is pretty much my

> fault that our son has this problem and why can he control himself in

> school but not at home. Oh..I know it is wrong..but I soo want to

> just give her a piece of my mind then show her what bridge to jump

> off. She said another reason why he has OCD is because we had the 2

> younger boys so close in age..they are 22 months apart. She said

> that I push the kids aside and that he is wanting the attention and

> since he is not getting the " good " attention he is seeking the " bad "

> attention. Now mind you we have no seen her in at least 2 or 3

> years. This past x-mas my husbands father and sister came and stayed

> for the night. And according to the sister (who can NEVER do no

> wrong) our middle son (the child with OCD) was hanging all over her

> and she can tell he was seeking attention. Mind you...I spend time

> with each one of the boys alone everyday. It may only be 30-60

> minutes...but that is better then nothing for one on one time. We do

> a lot of family things a day...swimming, playing cards, going for

> walks, going to the river and feeding the ducks and well normal

> parenting things. My husband works as a plumber and he works crazy

> hours so he is not always home before 6 or 7 at night ...this is

> after leaving at 5:30 in the morning.

> > She wanted to know if we have him in counsling, since that is a

> one on one and private our son can tell the therpist what is

> bothering him (and she thinks it is my parenting skills). I know it

> shouldn't...but good greif...what a PITA. So not only am I dealing

> with learning all I can about our son having OCD (before he was dx'ed

> with OCD I thought it was a cleaning thing), trying to keep as much

> as normal household (our son has impulse issues, reassurance issues,

> hoarding, and lots more)...now I have this women who thinks she is

> GOD and has all the answers but is soo out of touch with how bad she

> screwed up my husband from when he was a child.

> > I told my husband how much this peeved me off and he told

> me...I told you she was deliousional. He wants nothing to do with

> her and when he was 18 would of rathered sleep in his car then live

> under his parents roof..and that is just what he did.

> > She has never once told my husband that she is proud of him and

> will always find a way to revert back to the " golden child " his

> sister. Mind you she is 27 and still acts like she is 12. Yes...i

> am not kidding you. When they came up here for x-mas break...she

> brought 10 stuffed animals so she could sleep, coloring books so if

> she got bored, and was happy as pooh when she got a puppy 2008

> calander.

> > What I want to do is find stuff on the net showing her that

> while he is in school he may be able to surpress his impulses. She

> doesnt' understand why in school he can be such an angel, but as soon

> as he comes home...he will go " off " as my husband has told her. And

> he will...he will walk in the door and just start swearing and after

> about 30 minutes of going on a rant all threw the house he will calm

> down and eat his snack and get his homework done.

> > Anyone have an ideas, hints, or just anything....my parents are

> soo understanding and are open to learning it is refreshing...but I

> still feel like I want to b*@chi slap my MIL...yeah I know now

> nothing good will come out of it.....but I am sure I would feel

> better..even for a small amount of time...lol

> >

> > Thank you for letting me rant and rave....and I really home I can

> get some help...

> >

> > Lona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

OMG, I SO feel for you. I go through this with various family members

but thankfully to a much milder degree.

The truth is with this woman there is nothing you can say that will

make her understand. That's because she doesn't want to. She's not in

this to help anyone, including your child. She wants to cause trouble

for whatever freaky reason I don't know. I come from a family history

of people like this. Like you mentioned your husband being abused but

she acts like nothing ever happened. Been there done that.

Your husband obviously doesn't think she's sane and doesn't really

care about her opinion. When my MIL is being a b word I always want

my husband to say something...anything. But he doesn't. To him it's

not worth it. Now I don't know if this is where your husband is at

but maybe to him he's realized that talking to this woman is just

wasting his breath.

I can assure you from what you've described your family's life as

that you are not a bad parent. You sound a lot like my family. I come

from a screwed up background so I try my hardest to do the right

thing with my kids. I am truly devoted to them. My husband and I

always spend time with them, always. Now to both of our families we

are overprotective freaks. The fact that I've always been a SAHM who

has never sent my kids to a sitter except for maybe a family member

once in a great while is one of the reasons my little girl has OCD,

well according to my MIL.

In my opinion for the most part any parent that has come this far and

found this group looking for help is most likely a great parent. If

we didn't care we wouldn't be here.

I know that I would personally like to go scream at the lady and tell

her off, this is what I normally always want to do...but of course I

don't. I've learned that it doesn't matter. This is her issue.

I know this is easier said than done but screw her. If she writes or

calls I just wouldn't read what she says or talk to her. She doesn't

deserve any of your family's time. I know also that it hurts and

angers you because you are trying so hard to deal with this. Believe

me I know exactly how it feels to be told you are the reason for this

horrible thing your child is dealing with. No matter how much I know

it isn't true there are times I can't help but wonder myself. But

thinking that way doesn't get me anywhere.

Basically just love your family and do your own thing. For what it's

worth my daughter does the EXACT same thing with school. It takes all

she has mentally to hold herself together to be perceived as " normal "

at school. So usually as soon as I pick her up she gets in our van

and literally has a melt down. I think they just have to work so hard

to keep it together that sooner or later they just fall apart. This

is why I'm dreading school time again, among other reasons.

I wish you and your family the best. Remember this lady is nuts and

has her own issues, just try not to let her dumb a$$ bring you down.

>

> I have no clue what to do about my MIL...we live in PA and they

live in NY. We don't get along at all...she thinks I am not a good

mother and not good for her son. Although she allowed his father to

abuse him (mentally and physical) and she would egg him on by calling

him at work and saying I can't believe what your son did today at

school blah blah blah. She has so much denial about his childhood I

sometimes wonder if she was even there...lol..

> Anyway, the other day she sent my husband a letter telling him

that she knows that he has no privacy and that she knows I will read

this letter and she doesn't care. Mind you he gave it to me

saying...she has no clue and is totally out of it. She went on to

say that she doesn't believe our son has OCD to the form that I have

told him who has then told her. She thinks it is pretty much my

fault that our son has this problem and why can he control himself in

school but not at home. Oh..I know it is wrong..but I soo want to

just give her a piece of my mind then show her what bridge to jump

off. She said another reason why he has OCD is because we had the 2

younger boys so close in age..they are 22 months apart. She said

that I push the kids aside and that he is wanting the attention and

since he is not getting the " good " attention he is seeking the " bad "

attention. Now mind you we have no seen her in at least 2 or 3

years. This past x-mas my husbands father and sister came and stayed

for the night. And according to the sister (who can NEVER do no

wrong) our middle son (the child with OCD) was hanging all over her

and she can tell he was seeking attention. Mind you...I spend time

with each one of the boys alone everyday. It may only be 30-60

minutes...but that is better then nothing for one on one time. We do

a lot of family things a day...swimming, playing cards, going for

walks, going to the river and feeding the ducks and well normal

parenting things. My husband works as a plumber and he works crazy

hours so he is not always home before 6 or 7 at night ...this is

after leaving at 5:30 in the morning.

> She wanted to know if we have him in counsling, since that is a

one on one and private our son can tell the therpist what is

bothering him (and she thinks it is my parenting skills). I know it

shouldn't...but good greif...what a PITA. So not only am I dealing

with learning all I can about our son having OCD (before he was dx'ed

with OCD I thought it was a cleaning thing), trying to keep as much

as normal household (our son has impulse issues, reassurance issues,

hoarding, and lots more)...now I have this women who thinks she is

GOD and has all the answers but is soo out of touch with how bad she

screwed up my husband from when he was a child.

> I told my husband how much this peeved me off and he told

me...I told you she was deliousional. He wants nothing to do with

her and when he was 18 would of rathered sleep in his car then live

under his parents roof..and that is just what he did.

> She has never once told my husband that she is proud of him and

will always find a way to revert back to the " golden child " his

sister. Mind you she is 27 and still acts like she is 12. Yes...i

am not kidding you. When they came up here for x-mas break...she

brought 10 stuffed animals so she could sleep, coloring books so if

she got bored, and was happy as pooh when she got a puppy 2008

calander.

> What I want to do is find stuff on the net showing her that

while he is in school he may be able to surpress his impulses. She

doesnt' understand why in school he can be such an angel, but as soon

as he comes home...he will go " off " as my husband has told her. And

he will...he will walk in the door and just start swearing and after

about 30 minutes of going on a rant all threw the house he will calm

down and eat his snack and get his homework done.

> Anyone have an ideas, hints, or just anything....my parents are

soo understanding and are open to learning it is refreshing...but I

still feel like I want to b*@chi slap my MIL...yeah I know now

nothing good will come out of it.....but I am sure I would feel

better..even for a small amount of time...lol

>

> Thank you for letting me rant and rave....and I really home I can

get some help...

>

> Lona

>

>