Re: Typical fada stuff

October 1, 2004

Maybe its the rage you can't handle in yoor life even within? I raged at my fada

when I left OZ, for everything. I still do. Maybe if you refuse to allow it

because of the kind of Daddy's girl myth (I had that one) you could numb out

instead.- jana

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October 2, 2004

> Hi all,

>

> I guess I can call my NPD dad " fada " , even though he's NPD and not

> BPD? Since it means " not a father " , it definitely fits.

>

> So fada apparently just broke off his engagement with his

> girlfriend, and now suddenly he wants to come visit us and " see how

> the house is coming along " , even though we've lived there for a

YEAR

> already and he hasn't showed an ounce of interest in our lives

since

> he first hooked up with her months ago.

>

> I know it's typical NPD, but it makes me angry.

******,

Typical behavior or not, it is very reasonable to be angry.

>

> For those who have nadas and fadas, have you found your feelings

> towards one of them more clear-cut than the other?

*****Yes. When I began therapy, my focus was on how I was unable to

cope with life. I finally found a therapist you explained to me that

this wasn't my personal failure, and opened my eyes to all the

devastation I experienced in my foo. And then my therapy switched to

what nada did, and how to overcome it all. During all of this, dad

was the good guy, the patient, long-suffering guy who had to put up

with nada. (I guess my sister and I weren't even worthing of

recognition that we too were 'putting up with' nada.) But one day, I

started to realize that hey - there were (ostensibly) two adults in

the foo. What was dad doing while nada was emotionally and mentally

abusing me? Answer - pretty much nothing. So I started focusing on

this, and the fact that there is another devastation, that of a

parent knowing about the abuse, and just accepting it as if there

weren't anything wrong, and expecting the children to deal with it on

their own. Boy - starting to feel the angries right now!

I have stopped making excuses for my father. I still consider him my

dad however. In spite of all of this, I do know that he loved me,

and that was the only love my sister or I received. I am grateful

that I did get that. I am sure that I would have had even more

difficulties if I hadn't had that love.

I disconnect when I am around nada and father together. When it is

just my dad, I don't. He is a very pleasant person to be with when

she is not around.

October 2, 2004

> We have similar fada's- mine was a credit collector, obsessed with

>dosh. Primal insight for me: money was more important to him than I

>was. His fear of poverty ruled his (in)action. - j

Same here. Although he was always more generous with his sons than he

was with me. Not that I ever needed the money, but it was just

another thing I saw that made it obvious that I was less important to

him. Just as one example they all have computers (plural) from him -

some he bought outright, others he handed down. I never got a single

one, and I'm the only one actually IN the computer field! And of

course he asks me for help when he needs his own laptop fixed. Now

that I think about it, it feels a bit like a slap in the face to me.

Kinda like when nada buys me a fake-topaz ring for my birthday with

the price tags still on ($19.95) and expects me to kiss her feet (and

asks about it repeatedly), while she takes out $5G in insurance on an

antique diamond ring she bought for herself " just because " .

God knows I would've traded every cent back for a REAL parent any day.

October 2, 2004