Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 No - I did not see the show, but you brought up something else that happened with you that's similar with me. My nada also wants everyone to like her best, including my 14-year-old daughter. She is always trying to run me down somehow to my daughter to try to get my daughter to see that I am the evil one and nada is her great, wonderful savior who should have been the mother instead. At the same time, my nada also does splitting, but main emphasis is on getting everyone to like her best. Theresa > > > Did anybody see L & O-CI last night? I didn't hear the > word " Borderline " used, but was that chick a HFBP? I'm not sure they > were going for that, but I thought the examples of splitting to form > alliances in conversation were awesome! > > Sometimes on this site we talk about nada splitting one kid good and > one bad. Not mine, like Nelda on the show, it depended on who she > was talking to. My nada wanted everyone to like her best and was > always trying to form alliances that way. She wasn't quite > as " empathetic " in her splitting as the character, but she was > close. I have fleas from that. When its all you know, its hard to > come up with conversation topics that aren't just empathetic sounding > gossip. > > Ivorysoap > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 > > Did anybody see L & O-CI last night? I didn't hear the > word " Borderline " used, but was that chick a HFBP? I'm not sure they > were going for that, but I thought the examples of splitting to form > alliances in conversation were awesome! > > Sometimes on this site we talk about nada splitting one kid good and > one bad. Not mine, like Nelda on the show, it depended on who she > was talking to. My nada wanted everyone to like her best and was > always trying to form alliances that way. She wasn't quite > as " empathetic " in her splitting as the character, but she was > close. I have fleas from that. When its all you know, its hard to > come up with conversation topics that aren't just empathetic sounding > gossip. > > Ivorysoap ****** I caught the last third of it, and wished I had been watching from the beginning. I didn't see enough to figure out what her problem was, but I did see the splitting to form alliances. Her acting was awesome on that! And certainly the ending would make you think BPD, with her being taken away by the police, but begging her exhusband not to leave her. I had trouble with conversations too, but getting better in that area. For me, it is trying to avoid being too dramatic about what I say. Its hard at times, cause I can create some pretty interesting stories with the truth..... Nada taught that to me very well, lol! But I learned that only works when people understand that you are embelishing for effect. So I try to keep my dramatic retelling limited to fun, social situations (like I have so many of those! haha.) Take care, Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 --- In ModOasis , Theresa Vidos <theresa.vidos@g...> ..... My nada also wants everyone > to like her best, including my 14-year-old daughter. She is always > trying to run me down somehow to my daughter to try to get my daughter > to see that I am the evil one and nada is her great, wonderful savior > who should have been the mother instead. At the same time, my nada > also does splitting, but main emphasis is on getting everyone to like > her best. > > Theresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 >..... My nada also wants everyone > to like her best, including my 14-year-old daughter. She is always > trying to run me down somehow to my daughter to try to get my daughter > to see that I am the evil one and nada is her great, wonderful savior > who should have been the mother instead. At the same time, my nada > also does splitting, but main emphasis is on getting everyone to like > her best. > > Theresa *****Sorry about the previous post with no message! Bad computer! bad! Learning about BPD helped me to understand why my nada was always trying to get her grandchildren to say they wanted to live with her. It was a competition for their affection. I see now that she was jealous of the bonds we had with our children. She did recognize that she never had that kind of relationship with her own children. She never said too much in a negative way about my sister or me to the grandkids (at least not that I am aware of!) But if one of the children was behaving badly in her presence, she would usually try to interfer in how either sis or I was dealing with the problem. And nada's way of dealing with a misbehaving child was always bribery! Ugh! She just wanted the behavior to stop, and also wanted to be the 'wonderful' person who could make the child behave. As I look back on this, I realize that I was pretty good at setting boundaries with nada where my children were concerned. Getting off track here, but I will always be grateful for my Intro to Psych course in college....it confirmed for me that people could chose to act differently than the way my nada acted. > > Hope you and your daughter have an nice, nada free day, Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 Well, Sylvia, I have to say that we cannot yet have a nada-free day and reason? As you know, because my daughter takes care of those mini horses that nada owns. She looooves horses. I just don't know what to do. I feel I should break off completely with nada because nada says she does not mistreat anyone and I need to go talk to someone who will tell me I am wrong and if I don't want to , then I just don't want to find out the truth. She says my daughter and I just like to hold grudges on her. I just can't seem to bring myself to take those horses away from my daughter, so to speak, even knowing they are used as blackmail. I can't figure out how to do that. If I were to get myself to do that somehow, then we could break off from nada completely. Of course nada would call me up saying we're not being good Christians for holding grudges and mistreating our mother/grandmother like that. I am going to put in a call to that therapist I talk to once in a blue moon and see if he thinks that's all there is left to do. Then I have to muster my guts up once again to make my daughter sad in the whole process. Theresa > > > > >..... My nada also wants everyone > > to like her best, including my 14-year-old daughter. She is always > > trying to run me down somehow to my daughter to try to get my > daughter > > to see that I am the evil one and nada is her great, wonderful > savior > > who should have been the mother instead. At the same time, my nada > > also does splitting, but main emphasis is on getting everyone to > like > > her best. > > > > Theresa > > *****Sorry about the previous post with no message! Bad computer! > bad! > > Learning about BPD helped me to understand why my nada was always > trying to get her grandchildren to say they wanted to live with her. > It was a competition for their affection. I see now that she was > jealous of the bonds we had with our children. She did recognize > that she never had that kind of relationship with her own children. > > She never said too much in a negative way about my sister or me to > the grandkids (at least not that I am aware of!) But if one of the > children was behaving badly in her presence, she would usually try to > interfer in how either sis or I was dealing with the problem. And > nada's way of dealing with a misbehaving child was always bribery! > Ugh! She just wanted the behavior to stop, and also wanted to be > the 'wonderful' person who could make the child behave. As I look > back on this, I realize that I was pretty good at setting boundaries > with nada where my children were concerned. > > Getting off track here, but I will always be grateful for my Intro to > Psych course in college....it confirmed for me that people could > chose to act differently than the way my nada acted. > > > > > Hope you and your daughter have an nice, nada free day, > > Sylvia > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 Theresa, Here is how I see it...and how I believe I would handle it if it were happening to me and my children. First, someone has to act reasonably and responsibily in this situation. I know it 'ain't' gonna be nada. And it shouldn't be your daughter...she is still a child. (And I know your dad is out to.) So, guess who's left? I'd do some evaluation. What is the importance of these horses in my daughter's life as opposed to the what is happening because of nada's treatment of daughter and you? On my scale, any joy from those three mini horses don't weigh as much as a daughter's mental and emotional well being (both from how nada treats her, and from what she is witnessing because of your interactions with nada as well.) Now, on your scale, this might be different, and only you can determine if it is or not. I am wondering if something else is happening here as well. In my own situation, I took FOREVER to break off from nada, and although I didn't know why, my therapist helped me to understand that at an emotional level I didn't want to break off, because I was still enmeshed, connected, hoping for the best, thinking something would change, and just being afraid of being all alone without her. And I am not recommending breaking off from her either. But she still has a great deal of control in your lives, and I think you want to change that. Your nada knows in every fiber of her being that you are caught in this dilemma, and it is definitely working to her advantage. Maybe these horses are the emotional hold. If they weren't there, this problem wouldn't exist. (But oh, another one would, most certainly. Thats a skill nadas have.) Although your daughter loves these animals, is that love worth what you are all going through? Don't you think that she can have a good life without the horses? I wish you the best, Sylvia > Well, Sylvia, I have to say that we cannot yet have a nada-free day > and reason? As you know, because my daughter takes care of those mini > horses that nada owns. She looooves horses. I just don't know what > to do. I feel I should break off completely with nada because nada > says she does not mistreat anyone and I need to go talk to someone who > will tell me I am wrong and if I don't want to , then I just don't > want to find out the truth. She says my daughter and I just like to > hold grudges on her. > > I just can't seem to bring myself to take those horses away from my > daughter, so to speak, even knowing they are used as blackmail. I > can't figure out how to do that. If I were to get myself to do that > somehow, then we could break off from nada completely. Of course nada > would call me up saying we're not being good Christians for holding > grudges and mistreating our mother/grandmother like that. > > I am going to put in a call to that therapist I talk to once in a blue > moon and see if he thinks that's all there is left to do. Then I have > to muster my guts up once again to make my daughter sad in the whole > process. > > Theresa > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 Hi Theresa, I wanted you to know that I think of you and your daughter and those horses often, and hope for the best. It's just a terrible lose-lose situation. As Sylvia said, you just have to decide which is the lesser loss, and go with that. It's not your fault, that both situations are painful and cause harm. I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. --Charlie > > Well, Sylvia, I have to say that we cannot yet have a nada-free day > > and reason? As you know, because my daughter takes care of those > mini > > horses that nada owns. She looooves horses. I just don't know what > > to do. I feel I should break off completely with nada because nada > > says she does not mistreat anyone and I need to go talk to someone > who > > will tell me I am wrong and if I don't want to , then I just don't > > want to find out the truth. She says my daughter and I just like to > > hold grudges on her. > > > > I just can't seem to bring myself to take those horses away from my > > daughter, so to speak, even knowing they are used as blackmail. I > > can't figure out how to do that. If I were to get myself to do that > > somehow, then we could break off from nada completely. Of course > nada > > would call me up saying we're not being good Christians for holding > > grudges and mistreating our mother/grandmother like that. > > > > I am going to put in a call to that therapist I talk to once in a > blue > > moon and see if he thinks that's all there is left to do. Then I > have > > to muster my guts up once again to make my daughter sad in the whole > > process. > > > > Theresa > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 > ****** > I caught the last third of it, and wished I had been watching from > the beginning. I didn't see enough to figure out what her problem > was, but I did see the splitting to form alliances. Her acting was > awesome on that! And certainly the ending would make you think BPD, with her being taken away by the police, but begging her exhusband not to leave her. Me too, just the last bit. > I had trouble with conversations too, but getting better in that > area. For me, it is trying to avoid being too dramatic about what I say. Its hard at times, cause I can create some pretty interesting > stories with the truth..... Nada taught that to me very well, lol! OMG, me too! I am so over the top about things. I don't realize it till later sometimes. Its so embarrassing. > But I learned that only works when people understand that you are > embelishing for effect. So I try to keep my dramatic retelling > limited to fun, social situations (like I have so many of those! > haha.) Very true! Ivorysoap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 Mine elicits criticism from people. She doesn't even do it herself. She nudges and people confide and she agrees with them. BUT, since I stopped talking down about anyone to her, she goes for the jugular on people, trying to recreate the old dynamic? Ivorysoap > > > > > > Did anybody see L & O-CI last night? I didn't hear the > > word " Borderline " used, but was that chick a HFBP? I'm not sure they > > were going for that, but I thought the examples of splitting to form > > alliances in conversation were awesome! > > > > Sometimes on this site we talk about nada splitting one kid good and > > one bad. Not mine, like Nelda on the show, it depended on who she > > was talking to. My nada wanted everyone to like her best and was > > always trying to form alliances that way. She wasn't quite > > as " empathetic " in her splitting as the character, but she was > > close. I have fleas from that. When its all you know, its hard to > > come up with conversation topics that aren't just empathetic sounding > > gossip. > > > > Ivorysoap > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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