weird household manipulations

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

Yes I have had this happen but with an ex-friend with BPD and not so much my

Father. It is all about control. They think up some pretty weird ways of

controling people and their reactions. It is maddening once you catch on that

it

is a game they play and not just bad habits or thoughtlessness. One of my

favorites was when my exfriend would invite people over to dinner at say 7. You

arrive, and she is still working around property with no dinner in sight. In

order to facilitate getting fed, I along with everybody else would pitch in

and help her with the horses, feeding dogs, sweeping kitchen floor and starting

dinner while she took a shower. This is by no means a lazy woman, she just

liked controling everybody's actions. Never occurred to her how rude it was.

And it happened EVERY TIME! She had to be in complete control all the time

(were in are late 30's) and if not - it was a living hell for everyone.

Pouting, screaming, crying, what ever worked to get her way - VERY manipulative.

But

what I dont understand and maybe someone can shed some light on for me -

since I seem to keep having these people in my life, why do they waste their

time

controling things that are so stupid? Why would your mother try to throw

obstacles in your path of cleaning up after yourself? With Comet? Is that so

she

can continue the farce that you never clean up or help her? You know the

whole guilt thing? What a wasted life to think so minutely. It is just mean.

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Just back from a brief visit to nadas and I was frustrated with a

peculiar form of manipulation that I haven't seen discussed on the

board yet. Nada does these strange things around the kitchen that

make it impossible to help her out without doing something 'extra'

that you really didn't volunteer to do. For example, I wanted to do

the dishes I used for breakfast this morning, but nada left comet in

the sink and the dishwasher full of clean dishes. So there was no

picking up after myself unless I did all this other stuff that I

hadn't consented to, and really didn't have time for before I left.

Likewise, she ALWAYS leaves the trash can full, so I can't even

throw away my trash, without having to take out the garbage for

her. Also, if ever I want to do laundry, I have to first do

whatever of HER laundry that is there in the dryer (and she always

makes sure there's something in that dryer when I'm coming for a

visit). It really frustrates me. I want to clean up after myself

but I feel resentful of her trying to get me to clean up after

things she did BEFORE I arrived, without my consent. But either I

have to do those, or I have to look like I didn't pick up after

myself at all... It really pisses me off. Anyone have any insight

or similar experiences? I should add that at most times, her

kitchen is 100% spotless. It's only when I come home (which belive

me is RARE) that suddenly there are dishes or cleanser piled in the

sink.

Could really use group input to help purge this one. It may sound

minor but of course it is part of a larger pattern (a lifetime of

being accused of being mean, selfish and hateful, one reason for

which was that I would never help out around the house). Does the

SWOE workbook help with situations like this? My therapist is on me

to buy it. Anyway, I would love to hear similar experiences, if

anyone's nada does subtle manipulations to try to be in control of

what chores are done, etc.

Thanks guys,

Charlie

[Guest guest]

Well, it's good to know that I'm not crazy at any rate! That these

bizarre obstacles really ARE placed in my path for a purpose, even

if it's processed under the surface of nada's consciousness. It is

really all quite maddening nonetheless. Thanks also Atate, that ex-

friend sounds like something! Those dinner 'parties' sure don't

sound very enjoyable! Your message made me realize why I was so

sensitive to a habit that an apartment mate of mine once had. She

would invite her friends over--for dinner, study group, whatever--

and then make sure to leave the house RIGHT when they were due to

arrive. Oh, I'm just running to the store, would you let me friends

in? It really put me in a bind, because I wasn't now free to leave

or say no without leaving her poor unsuspecting friends stood up. I

HATED it. I see now that it's because it's the same sortof weird

subtle control thing that nada did. She used to do the EXACT same

thing to me constantly. She would have family members coming over--

especially the grandparents--and she would leave the house, forcing

me to host them until she got back. Or she would schedule for

someone to come and clean the house, or the yard, and leave the

house, forcing me to deal with them. And it was always HARD to deal

with them, because nada had raised me to be so full of self-loathing

and fearful of others, that being forced to do this was a particular

ordeal for a young girl. This was a habit of hers I particularly

resented. I find it particularly small and low, to try and keep

control by using outsiders such as plumbers and grandparents, and my

good will towards them.

At any rate I am still itching for similar stories about the

dishes! But now also about nadas using outsiders to force you

to do their will, to keep control--like taking off right when the

plumber was due over, when you had no car or were too young to

drive, etc...

Love

ChH

>

> > Charlie,

> >

> > Yes I have had this happen but with an ex-friend with BPD and

not so much my

> > Father. It is all about control. They think up some pretty

weird ways of

> > controling people and their reactions. It is maddening once you

catch on that it

> > is a game they play and not just bad habits or thoughtlessness.

One of my

> > favorites was when my exfriend would invite people over to

dinner at say 7. You

> > arrive, and she is still working around property with no dinner

in sight. In

> > order to facilitate getting fed, I along with everybody else

would pitch in

> > and help her with the horses, feeding dogs, sweeping kitchen

floor and starting

> > dinner while she took a shower. This is by no means a lazy

woman, she just

> > liked controling everybody's actions. Never occurred to her how

rude it was.

> > And it happened EVERY TIME! She had to be in complete control

all the time

> > (were in are late 30's) and if not - it was a living hell for

everyone.

> > Pouting, screaming, crying, what ever worked to get her way -

VERY manipulative. But

> > what I dont understand and maybe someone can shed some light on

for me -

> > since I seem to keep having these people in my life, why do they

waste their time

> > controling things that are so stupid? Why would your mother try

to throw

> > obstacles in your path of cleaning up after yourself? With

Comet? Is that so she

> > can continue the farce that you never clean up or help her? You

know the

> > whole guilt thing? What a wasted life to think so minutely. It

is just mean.

[Guest guest]

> At any rate I am still itching for similar stories about the

> dishes!

Here's mine. Last time I offered to do the dishes at nada's, about 5

years ago, she launched into a half hour lecture about how it was to

be done. Starting with putting rubber gloves on because the water

must be scalding hot - only my hands are too big for her gloves. I

walked away. My sister does it for her and plays the game down to

the tiniest detail. I will never offer to help again. It makes

sense to me that it is all about control. I would rather be an awful

person because I won't help, than to be an awful person because I

didn't do it right. Laziness and passive aggression win out.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

Dan wrote:

> ... I would rather be an awful

> person because I won't help, than to be an awful person because I

> didn't do it right.

Hi Dan,

But you're not an awful person and never were. That would be your nada's

projection. Unfortunately, your nada had not the eyes to see nor the

ears to hear.

Nadas and KOs live in parallel worlds. Nada's world is as difficult for

a KO to understand as it is for a nada to comprehend real world logic.

The difference, however, is that KOs can eventually learn, understand,

change and have a good life whereas our nadas can't.

- Edith