Re: Setting Boudaries - I don't even know where to start

[Guest guest]

> How did you determine what boundaries you need to set, and how did

> you stick by them. For those of you who have cut contacts - what

> factor brought you to that decision? Do you regret it?

>

I ended contact and no, I do not regret it. It takes a while

sometimes to get to that decision. Actually, what really kept me

from doing it earlier was the (false) obligation. Once I saw that it

was a form of manipulation and not real, it was easier to let go.

Also, I got really sick and tired of the drama, the lose-lose

situations and didn't see any end in sight. Nada wasn't getting

better and I realized " this shit could go on forever. " That is when

I finally bailed. It was negatively affecting my health, just all

around toxic. I tried to set boundaries for a while and not let her

get to me, but they find a way. I would get so angry just being

around her because she was triggering all my old repressed childhood

anger. Finally, I had to leave or pay a very high price emotionally

and physically. I do not regret ending contact. If I regret

anything, I regret not doing it sooner. .

[Guest guest]

Back in 1999, mother and I had a huge blowup, the first ever. Long

story, but it resulted in a permanent schism that mother took with her

to the grave last year.

Backing up, the schism resulted in a FOG bank of major proportions. I

didn't know about BPD, nor this list, or anyone else who was

experiencing anything similar, so I was truly alone and sinking fast in

the quicksand.

The first few weeks, but mother still called (the peaches and cream

routine, like normal), except she accused me of something I hadn't done

regarding her taxes. Well, by this time I'd had it, again too long of a

story to go into. I wrote her a short note saying I deserved to be

treated with dignity and respect, and that I'd no longer do her income

taxes for her and to find someone else. I naively thought she'd wake

up. She didn't. In fact, her response was no response. It was nice

not getting any more phone calls, but I knew the next brick would drop

any day. Nothing. Hmmmmmm I knew she was really mad at me if she

wasn't calling, so what was she up to? What could she possibly do, I

reasoned? Not much. Huh! I should have known better.

Long story short, she began a major distortion campaign behind my back,

later to learn she'd actually started it BEFORE the blowup in 1999. She

tried to drive wedges into every relationship I had with everyone we

mutually knew. She disinherited me. When my two adult children visited

her, she didn't want to see me, which was fine. She did send me one

letter in 2002, you know, the here I am, here's what I've been doing, me

this, me that crap. Not once did she ask how I was, what I'd been

doing, nothing. Part of me wanted to respond, but I didn't, thanks to

the gentle nudges from everyone on this list.

She took all her hatreds and bitternesses with her to the grave last year.

Any regrets? None. It's too bad it didn't happen sooner. I regret few

things in life, even this adventure into hell and back. I've learned

some powerful lessons from it.

It's a real shame mother became blind to the truth of her own daughter

who loved her with her whole mind and spirit. She had me in the palm of

her hand, but she chose to throw me in the dirt and stomp on me. I

can't be responsible for that. It was her choice, just as it was my

choice not to expose myself to it anymore. I knew in my heart and soul

she'd never relent, or repent, and that she'd take this nightmare to the

grave with her. She did too. That's what was so difficult to accept.

The loss of what could have been. Our dreams are as real as life, and

when we lose them, we lose part of ourselves. And that loss is as

difficult to get over as the loss of someone dear in our life.

Severing a relationship is a very serious matter, and one that needs to

be thought out very thoroughly. For me, it was the right decision. I

have no regrets. I'd do it again, only much sooner. Then again, the

only reason I can say that is because of how horrible it got. I waited

until things reached the boiling point. I think it's because I wasn't

willing to let go of the dreams. Breaking up is hard to do........ like

the 1960s Lettermen song says.

Smiles!

Carol

isshemymother wrote:

> For those of you who have cut contacts - what

> factor brought you to that decision? Do you regret it?

[Guest guest]

Setting boundaries will be different for each of us. Please keep in

mind that you don't have to do it all at one time, either. I think

it is a good idea to have a firm understanding in your own mind of

how you want the relationship to be, and then work backwards from

there.

I started setting boundaries outside of my family first - mostly in

my work environment. I also practiced in public arenas such as stores

and restaurants. I did it where I knew that if I wasn't successful,

I was going to be able to deal with the unsuccessful attempt. And

also, these were instances where if I wasn't successful, the lose

wasn't a great one for me. From there I started to be a little

braver, and eventually took this into my family situation. I had a

crisis in one of my jobs, and that was also a prompt to me that I

needed to stop being such a doormat to everyone. (Gotta love that

crisis learning!)

You probably were handling things well. My experience has been that

when I finally get a grip on something, it develops even deeper, and

so I am back in the cycle again, but at a different level. Perhaps

this is what happened to you?

I have cut contact with my nada. It was not premeditated. It

evolved due to the severe emotional stress I was under. The stress

was because so much of what happened in my childhood was finally

surfacing, and I just couldn't deal with being in physical proximity

with nada. My life had been free of her stress for quite awhile, and

then while on a family vacation, she went into one of her rages, and

left in the middle of the week. This was the trigger for me. I

realized that she was really still the same, and that I no longer was

going to put up with her abuse. I did not try to work it out with

her. First, I was just too upset to do so. I had gone into a very

severe depression. Second, I realized that throughout my life, I had

tried to work it out, and she had no interest in trying to understand

my perspective. There was just one way - hers. That was almost a

year ago. I have had to deal with the guilt, and still have

twinges. I don't regret it, however, and am very glad that I am

finally taking care of myself. I have much to change in my internal

dialogs. Nada's voice is still pretty strong in my head, and

therefore her influence in my life.

She has tried a few times to get me to reconsider, but I told her I

was still not ready to spend time with her. She has pretty much left

me alone since last December. I don't regret this. In fact, I see it

as the opportunity to truly be happy. I am sorry that she is the way

she is, and I am sorry that she has this disorder, but that doesn't

mean that I have to put up with her abuse, and it doesn't mean that I

have to pretend to be someone other than who I am because she can't

deal with reality. For me, it was really a case of either lose

myself, or lose my nada.

We each have to work this out in a way that is best for ourselves.

What ever you decide to do, you will find us hear to listen to you

and give you support.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

> I am trying to set some boundaries with my nada - and have been

> having some difficulties. Things are so confusing right now - I

> don't even know where to start. ......................

> How did you determine what boundaries you need to set, and how did

> you stick by them. For those of you who have cut contacts - what

> factor brought you to that decision? Do you regret it?

>

> I guess I am just looking for some comfort and advice - it is

obvious

> to me that the people on this website are experts at giving both.

[Guest guest]

A couple of folks have mentioned wishing that they'd made the break

with their nadas sooner, or feeling bad that it took a crisis or an

unbearable level of guilt (pain, etc.) to finally make the break.

One thing that I really *got* in therapy the other day is that I had

to try everything I could to make things work with my mom before I

could start to let go. I had to try to fix the relationship. I had

to talk to her about the fact that she has choices in her behavior

and her reactions to things that happen. In short, I had to feel I'd

exhausted every possibility that I could help her be happy before I

could fully accept that I can't. I'm a fundamentally hopeful person,

which generally serves me well -- it also makes it harder to accept

that really, there's no hope in this situation.

Maybe other people could have gotten there sooner, but we each go

through what we need to go through to get where we need to go. (Does

that make sense?) For me, the regret would have been standing by,

having her die in her misery, and wondering whether I could have

helped. Now I know -- viscerally as well as intellectually -- that I

can't. That " what if " won't haunt me.

Of course, I'm not dissuading anyone from jumping to the end point

and accepting that you can't change someone else's behavior! LOL

Just pointing out that we shouldn't beat ourselves up about doing

our best.

peace,

journeywork