using the grandparents

[Guest guest]

Hi list-eners, hope everyone is well. I just received a most

disturbing letter from my grandparents, and I need to post. I have

recently moved back to my home state after having lived away for

several years. A few months ago, I realized nada has bpd, and I

have been keeping in contact with her as little as possible since

then. In her crazy way, she is starting to notice, because I'm

starting to get 'we never see you' pressure. I even recently got an

email from her, that I didn't post about, saying she was 'worried

about me' and that I could move back home (in with HER and my dad)

any time. Such bs! There is no great tragedy that has happened in

my life, mind you. I am just the same as I was a few months ago--

only I don't spend the night at her house several nights a month any

more. And I am in my mind trying to keep as separate from her as

possible.

Realizing this at the nada-crazy level, she has started trying to

get control of me by using the family members. One of the last

events I was at, she acted all sweet and tried to get me to spend

the night in front of everyone. Trying to show how sweet she was

and what a mean and distant daughter I am. Now, I get a letter from

her mother, who is over 80, saying how important I am to them and

that they never see me any more. They see me once a month, at

least, of course. Nada has detected something, so she has been

going round telling the family something must be wrong with me,

there must be some crisis with me, I have cut them off, or some

sortof bullshit like that. So my grandparents have written a letter

saying they want to know what's going on in my life. Also they

hinted at how I must be spending time with my 'friends' instead of

them, which means two things: 1) they are fishing for information

about my romantic life and 2) they want me to feel bad for having

friends outside the family. This is happening through nada,

ultimately, but possibly she learned it from them. It's also

possible my nada told her I didn't want to visit for her birthday

(after having told me not to come, that it was a lunch for the older

generation---her sisters and my grandma. You know how nadas work.)

I don't want my grandparents to feel bad--they are 80! But I

certainly do not want to give them information for nada, or let nada

use them to hurt me. I want to draw boundaries. I am at a loss. I

wish I didn't have to talk to them at all. Any input on the subject

would be greatly appreciated. This is a classic example about how

nada wants to cut me off from the whole family by black-listing me

to them, etc., if I do not give her the information she needs to

control me and insult me. She has found she can't do by the old

methods, so now she is digging into them and searching for new

ones. That letter from my granparents just kills me, it makes me

feel so icky. Help!

Charlie

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

First, I just wanted to let you know I understand how terrible this

is making you feel. Here are some thoughts I have, hopefully, they

will help, or give you some starting points.

I think you are right that your nada is now looking for new tricks

to use, cause the old ones aren't working any more, and she is

rallying her troops, too.

You could just give your grandparents a vague answer, like, oh

grandmom, there isn't too much going on, but doing (fill in the

blank) is keeping me very busy right now. Remind them of the last

time you visited, and tell them that you will be seeing them again

soon. (No dates, of course, cause you know nada'll make sure she is

there!) You could also add how much you enjoyed seeing them the

last time and mention something that happened.

I think you might want to expect that more of this is going to

happen for awhile. You are establishing your boundaries, and nada

is going all around them looking for the weak areas to get you back

to where you used to be.

I hope that if you can get through this, that eventually nada's

efforts will diminish. In the meantime, keep posting!

My best to you,

Sylvia

> Hi list-eners, hope everyone is well. I just received a most

> disturbing letter from my grandparents, and I need to post. I

have

> recently moved back to my home state after having lived away for

> several years. A few months ago, I realized nada has bpd, and I

> have been keeping in contact with her as little as possible since

> then. In her crazy way, she is starting to notice, because I'm

> starting to get 'we never see you' pressure. ............. Now,

I get a letter from

> her mother, who is over 80, saying how important I am to them and

> that they never see me any more. They see me once a month, at

> least, of course. Nada has detected something, so she has been

> going round telling the family something must be wrong with me,

> there must be some crisis with me, I have cut them off, or some

> sortof bullshit like that. So my grandparents have written a

letter

> saying they want to know what's going on in my life. Also they

> hinted at how I must be spending time with my 'friends' instead of

> them, which means two things: 1) they are fishing for

information

> about my romantic life and 2) they want me to feel bad for having

> friends outside the family. ................. That letter from my

granparents just kills me, it makes me

> feel so icky. Help!

>

> Charlie

[Guest guest]

Glad someone responded to this one because it is a doozy. I had been sitting

here trying to figure it out, but what Sylvia says makes the most sense. I

would have no clue as to what else to do. My grandparents are gone now, but my

nada did talk bad A LOT to my grandmother about my sister who moved 1000 miles

away. I really think my grandmother had BPD, too, and almost everyone else in

that family. My sister and I never were close to anyone on my nada's side of the

family because they were so darn negative and everything BP. Nada talked bad

about me, too, to grandma. Sometimes there are people who have died and not

that I am glad they died but that they can now know how my nada really is,

especially those who thought nada so great and wonderful.

Theresa

-- " smhtrain2 " wrote:

Charlie,

First, I just wanted to let you know I understand how terrible this

is making you feel. Here are some thoughts I have, hopefully, they

will help, or give you some starting points.

I think you are right that your nada is now looking for new tricks

to use, cause the old ones aren't working any more, and she is

rallying her troops, too.

You could just give your grandparents a vague answer, like, oh

grandmom, there isn't too much going on, but doing (fill in the

blank) is keeping me very busy right now. Remind them of the last

time you visited, and tell them that you will be seeing them again

soon. (No dates, of course, cause you know nada'll make sure she is

there!) You could also add how much you enjoyed seeing them the

last time and mention something that happened.

I think you might want to expect that more of this is going to

happen for awhile. You are establishing your boundaries, and nada

is going all around them looking for the weak areas to get you back

to where you used to be.

I hope that if you can get through this, that eventually nada's

efforts will diminish. In the meantime, keep posting!

My best to you,

Sylvia

> Hi list-eners, hope everyone is well. I just received a most

> disturbing letter from my grandparents, and I need to post. I

have

> recently moved back to my home state after having lived away for

> several years. A few months ago, I realized nada has bpd, and I

> have been keeping in contact with her as little as possible since

> then. In her crazy way, she is starting to notice, because I'm

> starting to get 'we never see you' pressure. ............. Now,

I get a letter from

> her mother, who is over 80, saying how important I am to them and

> that they never see me any more. They see me once a month, at

> least, of course. Nada has detected something, so she has been

> going round telling the family something must be wrong with me,

> there must be some crisis with me, I have cut them off, or some

> sortof bullshit like that. So my grandparents have written a

letter

> saying they want to know what's going on in my life. Also they

> hinted at how I must be spending time with my 'friends' instead of

> them, which means two things: 1) they are fishing for

information

> about my romantic life and 2) they want me to feel bad for having

> friends outside the family. ................. That letter from my

granparents just kills me, it makes me

> feel so icky. Help!

>

> Charlie

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