Re: What do I do?! What do I do?!

[Guest guest]

<< What do I do now?! I feel like the apposing team just got a hold

of my playbook!!!! >>

, if your nada is like mine, she will read the book and will

see exactly what she wants to see, not what is there. It is as if

she read another book. Then when she wants to rub your nose in how

the book proves her right, just remember it isn't the same book.

Don't try to argue with her about it. She is always right whatever

you say.

<< I keep trying to redirect her anger towards me so my dad is out

of the hot seat but I can't get her to budge. >>

Please, don't do that! There is probably enough anger there for

both you and your dad. He has to protect himself. If you need to

help him, see if you can talk with him privately about how to

protect yourselves.

In volunteer fire training the first rule is that there is nothing

more useless than a rescuer who needs to be rescued. Don't put

yourself in that position.

Be good to yourself.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

> In volunteer fire training the first rule is that there is nothing

> more useless than a rescuer who needs to be rescued. Don't put

> yourself in that position.

>

> Be good to yourself.

>

I couldn't have said it better myself. The advice you give your

Dad - about leaving, about getting out of the line of fire - apply

to yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but talk about why with

us?

[Guest guest]

,

Wow! That is so intense. I am so sorry that you are going through

this. I would be in a panic too

I bet your mother won't even get to the end of SWOE before she burns

it. And if she does, it doesn't mean you can't still use the tactics

given. It's like there is one more card on the table, and it could

be the thing that eventually leads to her getting help. Maybe....

You cannot control her response. You can't control what your Dad

does. He has SWOE in his possession so he is informed with sound

advice. Be there for him, encourage him to set limits, but don't

take on the burden of trying to control the behavior of either of

your parents. It's not healthy and you have enough stress.

Sometimes things have to fall apart before there is any bit of hope.

Take deep breaths. Contact some supportive friends and encourage

your Dad to do the same. Tell them what is going on and ask them to

check in with you often

Blessings,

[Guest guest]

, I hope you are feeling a little better. I just read your

post and the replies, all of which I could relate to. I have a

panic reaction to my nada too, when I think she's " discovered "

something I've done or said that is merely truthful but that I know

she wouldn't want me to have said etc. I fear her wrath and feel it

in my body. It's an awful feeling. My therapist said I exhibit post-

traumatic stress symptoms when we talk about her, or when I describe

my interactions with her.

Recently I got to my wit's end--prior to discovering this website

and SWOE--and I called nada's friend to tell her I thought I

couldn't talk to my mother for a while. This friend was supportive,

saying she could see some of the subversive things my mother was

doing to sabotage me, but the whole time we were speaking and after

I felt shaky and scared. I knew that nada would find out about the

conversation and " come after me " with a vengeance. She did, of

course, and I did my best to hold her off and maintain my

boundaries, but the ensuing abuse was bad enough prompt me to

somehow find this site and SWOE. Thank God for that!

I hope in your crisis you have found some support here. I am sorry

for your father, too. My father recently divorced my nada, which

has made it worse for me--he triggered her abandonment issues and

now she is completely out to get me. But I'm so glad he got away.

I am basically ok but experience a lot of pain and anxiety from my

relationship with nada. This is where my work is, but I know that I

am the only one who can protect myself, and that this is my most

important job. If I can relate to her from a safe distance, I do.

If not, I wait until it's safe.

Please take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to do. Express

love and support for your father, but do not think you are limitless-

-you aren't. Emotional abuse takes its toll. Do not subject

yourself to it.

Ali

> My nada found out that my father and I are reading the eggshells

> book. She went into a rage, went to the bookstore and bought

it!!!!

> I know she will read it. Not because she thinks she has a problem

> but to see what tactics it says to use so she can counter act

them.

> What do I do now?! I feel like the apposing team just got a hold

of

> my playbook!!!! When my father told me this yesterday I almost

burst

> into tears. I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I

> thought for sure this time I would be able to get the skills I

> needed to deal with her. She yanked that carpet out real quick!

She

> has been in a rage now for four weeks solid. I am so worried for

my

> father's health. He has been under enough stress lately without

> needing her added on top. He can't sleep at night without taking a

> Valium. He has been looking so depressed lately and he's not the

> type of person that gets like this. I have never seen him look so

> bad. I am so afraid he is going to have a heart attack. I keep

> telling him to leave her until he gets other parts of his life in

> order and to give her time to think things out and calm down but

he

> says he won't leave his house. She has to be the one to go first.

I

> keep trying to redirect her anger towards me so my dad is out of

the

> hot seat but I can't get her to budge. She hasn't been this bad

> since I was a child. What do I do? What do I do?