Re: Insecurity flea...Carol

[Guest guest]

Thanks Carol - your post was really helpful to me.

I, too, am having trouble with the incongruence between what I know

logically and my feelings.

In the previous post I just wrote that I thought my fear was more of

being unlovable - than of being abandoned. That just came up for me -

but seems to make a lot of sense because (aside from the initial

jolt) I have had a much easier time being " abandoned "

than " unloved " ...therefore " unlovable. I have been MUCH more

miserable through a week of being with him and feeling unloved /

unlovable than I have been in my initial week of abandonment.

Being a KO...I hesitate to report that for fear that if something

isn't huring enough I must be in denial. But actually I have had many

wonderful feelings this week and a lot of insights... it almost feels

like I am crawling out of a web that kept me prisoner.

I did some grieving a few times - yet it seemed to be some pretty

normal grieving - of some sadness and tears...but not intense horrid

feelings..

But..back to the unlovable thing... I didn't know I thought that

about me...and " logically " I know I am lovable. But I DO think a part

of me FEELS that I'm not. And our tangled mess really tapped into

THOSE feelings big time.

Free

> [i know rationally that everything is okay and it is no big deal,

but my feelings are more intense. It feels like he is going to stop

loving me, maybe even leave me but I know that is not the case.]

Knowing and feeling are not the same thing, you already know. A

conflict between reasoning and perception (of other people's

feelings) occurs when we are frightened...it is the 'fight or flight'

response (to survive); happens all the time until we get far enough

into our own heads to recognize our BP talking in our heads.

[Guest guest]

>

>>>>>>Your husband is trying so...ooo hard. I will give him that; he

doesn't appear, however, to have a clue about how really awful it

was for you growing up; how insatiable the need to feel safe is.

Then, he is probably 'normal'...something I know little of, being a

child of chaos myself. I can understand, and have done the same

things to press my husband to prove to me that I am safe.

Again - this response was so very helpful to me. It helps me feel

better about myself...in knowing that even though some of my

behaviors were " abnormal " - they were at least typical.

Sometimes when I was insecure the guy-person would really try to be

supportive...or at least re-assure me that " we " were okay. Of course,

this created some mixed messages for me - because it sure didn't SEEM

like we were okay - so many times he was trying to help me feel

secure by TELLING me everything was okay when it was not okay...

But sometimes he would get SOOOOO aggravated at me. And I think that

hurt most of all - hearing the disgust in his voice and knowing that

was what he was feeling about me / my feelings / behavior. Sometimes

I would feel physically sick thinking he was disgusted with me. That

was worse than being angry at me. I hated to feel like *I* was

disgusting...

WHen he got like that - what he had said and the tone of his voice

just echoed in my head - like I just sucked it in and soaked it up...

And it would aggravate him that I would hold onto it. " Normal " people

should know that people fight and say things and get over it...and

they don't take it personally (or so he said...I'm not sure what

normal people do..and actually - I don't think HE is an expert

either).

I think I tested too though. Sometimes I didn't THINK I was testing.

I was just insecure - an didn't " feel better " as quickly as he

thought I should after he had " reassured me. " And then he would get

mad. After that happened enough...it was like I knew.. even if he was

being supportive that if I didn't drop it he would become angry and

withdraw the support. So it got where I never TRUSTED the inital

support - because I didn't know if it would last.

I guess I got in my mind that if it was REAL - it would hold firm -

it wouldn't be extended and withdrawn. So of course..that is

real " insecurity producing " thinking. If I didn't trust his re-

assurance - I would feel for it AGAIN to see if it was still there...

and then again sometimes. And then he would get mad because I was SO

insecure and get mad because I didn't LISTEN to him. I DID listen to

him - I just didn't TRUST it - because of our patterns...

So the pattern just got worse and worse. And I can see where it would

have been frustrating to him that I was seeking re-assurance and then

not accepting it. I wanted to accept it - but I needed to know it was

REAL - and would stay solid. But my testing made him angry and his

anger made me test him.

It is a wonder we lasted as long as we did...

Free

[Guest guest]

>>>>>>Your husband is trying so...ooo hard. I will give him that; he

doesn't appear, however, to have a clue about how really awful it

was for you growing up; how insatiable the need to feel safe is.

Then, he is probably 'normal'...something I know little of, being a

child of chaos myself. I can understand, and have done the same

things to press my husband to prove to me that I am safe.

I don't know what normal is either. I just have this idea in my mind that I

guess is normal and what doesn't match that idea isn't normal. My husband has a

lot of issues in his home life as well. His mother always worked as they had

his, hers, ours,their's and anybody else's kids in their home. That averaged 15

people on a daily basis. He was the only boy and the girls could yell the

loudest and longest so somehow he got shortchanged in the attention department.

He lost his biological dad at the age of 9. Now he really had issues with that

for a long time. His dad had been in the concentration camp and they did

scientific experiments on him and he would wake up screaming in the middle of

the night. My husband had to listen to that any time he stayed with his dad.

Plus his dad drank to try to forget. My husband was such a little boy (perhaps 4

or 5 yrs old). That was an awful lot on his little mind.

My husband used to lie to me about the bills being paid or other things that

were supposed to be done. He would say that they were taken care of. Then I

would recieve phone calls that said otherwise. I found out his reasons why. They

were my own insecurities backfiring on me. He was afraid to tell me because I

would start crying and get really scared about my security of having a place to

live and food for the kids. I would literally panic. I agreed, to a trial run

to keep the marriage intact because my oldest daughter (age 7) asked us to

please work things out and she was genuinely afraid for her future.

I double checked everything he told me for ages. I wouldn't just take his word

for it. If I had caught him in one lie that would have been the end of the whole

relationship right then and there. I told him that I didn't care if he lied to

the whole damn world, but if he lied to me ever again that was the end of us.

Then I put an honest effort to put it behind us and slowly started trusting

things a little at a time. That was a big issue with me because I had been

constantly lied to when I was a child. I needed to be able to trust him. That

was 19 years ago and I don't think that he has lied to me since.

No, I have never told him a lot. I have probably told the group more than I

have ever told him out right, although I am sure that he has guessed that it

was awful. After all mother has showed her A-- many many times in the last 30

years and he has seen most of it.

Debbie

-

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[Guest guest]

<< But..back to the unlovable thing... I didn't know I thought that

> about me...and " logically " I know I am lovable. But I DO think a

part of me FEELS that I'm not. And our tangled mess really tapped

into THOSE feelings big time. >>

Free, I have learned that this is really the core of my one-legged

wish/identity/whatever. It is not so much a dissatisfaction with

what I am as an intense yearning to be what I am not. Somehow when I

was very small I got the idea that I was unlovable, and invented a

secret amputee identity that was lovable. It doesn't shake off very

easily at all. With the new medication it is much less intense, and

I can distract myself from it easier, but I still can't think of

anything I would rather have than to be one-legged. Other than that

I am feeling pretty normal.

- Dan