Re: Dan and All-- hateful world - sylvia

[Guest guest]

Thanks Sylvia....

The problem is I thought I WAS doing the act or wearing the mask...or

whatever. But apparently I wasn't doing it well... because people

seemed to be able to see right through it - and treated me like the

nonperson I felt like.

Free

> Free,

>

> Just based on my experience, yep, at times we do have to put on a

> mask. If we aren't feeling competent, aren't being assertive,

> sometimes it is in our best interests to act the part. I think

this

> is mostly true with people that don't know us very well. (And

that's

> alot of people!) Most of the world is dealing with their own

> problems, and they don't want to deal with ours. At work, at the

> store, at the gas station, they just want to deal with competent

> people (or those who appear competent). And if we give off a

> different perception, it will bring out the worst in many people.

If

> we don't appear able to take care of ourselves (being assertive,

> setting boundaries), the abusers will be happy to abuse us, and the

> codependents will be happy to take us into their fold so that they

> feel better. And when we are acting competent, able to take care

of

> ourselves, we also attract people who can do the same.

>

> I think most of us cannot always be in a safe place. So when we are

> not, it is good to have a few acts & masks to fall back on. Just

so

> that we know that we are acting differently than we are feeling,

and

> we understand why we are doing it.

>

> I think people who were not raised by a BP do this quite easily,

and

> do have any qualms about doing so. They consider this part of

> getting along in the world. I don't mean that to be callous either.

> And I am talking about those who do this in a knowing way....as, I

> know this is what I have to do in this situation, even though it is

> not my preferred way to act. Some call it 'picking your battles'.

>

> Interesting topic...

>

> Sylvia

[Guest guest]

<<<<

>

> > Free,

> >

> > Just based on my experience, yep, at times we do have to put on a

> > mask. If we aren't feeling competent, aren't being assertive,

> > sometimes it is in our best interests to act the part. I think

> this

> > is mostly true with people that don't know us very well. (And

> that's

> > alot of people!) Most of the world is dealing with their own

> > problems, and they don't want to deal with ours. At work, at the

> > store, at the gas station, they just want to deal with competent

> > people (or those who appear competent). And if we give off a

> > different perception, it will bring out the worst in many people.

> If

> > we don't appear able to take care of ourselves (being assertive,

> > setting boundaries), the abusers will be happy to abuse us, and

the

> > codependents will be happy to take us into their fold so that

they

> > feel better. And when we are acting competent, able to take care

> of

> > ourselves, we also attract people who can do the same.

> >

> > I think most of us cannot always be in a safe place. So when we

are

> > not, it is good to have a few acts & masks to fall back on. Just

> so

> > that we know that we are acting differently than we are feeling,

> and

> > we understand why we are doing it.

> >

> > I think people who were not raised by a BP do this quite easily,

> and

> > do have any qualms about doing so. They consider this part of

> > getting along in the world. I don't mean that to be callous

either.

> > And I am talking about those who do this in a knowing way....as,

I

> > know this is what I have to do in this situation, even though it

is

> > not my preferred way to act. Some call it 'picking your

battles'.

> >

> > Interesting topic...

> >

> > Sylvia>>>>>>

Free - Yeah, I think I've been there myself. I just kept on observing

and trying on different masks. I think I am getting better at it. And

I feel good about knowing that this is a way that non-KOs manage.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

<<<<

>

> > Free,

> >

> > Just based on my experience, yep, at times we do have to put on a

> > mask. If we aren't feeling competent, aren't being assertive,

> > sometimes it is in our best interests to act the part. I think

> this

> > is mostly true with people that don't know us very well. (And

> that's

> > alot of people!) Most of the world is dealing with their own

> > problems, and they don't want to deal with ours. At work, at the

> > store, at the gas station, they just want to deal with competent

> > people (or those who appear competent). And if we give off a

> > different perception, it will bring out the worst in many people.

> If

> > we don't appear able to take care of ourselves (being assertive,

> > setting boundaries), the abusers will be happy to abuse us, and

the

> > codependents will be happy to take us into their fold so that

they

> > feel better. And when we are acting competent, able to take care

> of

> > ourselves, we also attract people who can do the same.

> >

> > I think most of us cannot always be in a safe place. So when we

are

> > not, it is good to have a few acts & masks to fall back on. Just

> so

> > that we know that we are acting differently than we are feeling,

> and

> > we understand why we are doing it.

> >

> > I think people who were not raised by a BP do this quite easily,

> and

> > do have any qualms about doing so. They consider this part of

> > getting along in the world. I don't mean that to be callous

either.

> > And I am talking about those who do this in a knowing way....as,

I

> > know this is what I have to do in this situation, even though it

is

> > not my preferred way to act. Some call it 'picking your

battles'.

> >

> > Interesting topic...

> >

> > Sylvia>>>>>>

Free - Yeah, I think I've been there myself. I just kept on observing

and trying on different masks. I think I am getting better at it. And

I feel good about knowing that this is a way that non-KOs manage.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Sounds kind of like a Halloween party!

Can we bob for apples???

I guess one good thing is in that knowing my mask(s) didn't work -

the fact that other people have stopped hissing at me is a good sign.

It might reflect that I am getting better - even without the

appropriate mask.

Or it might reflect that I am at least getting " well " enough that my

masks can fool them once again...

Maybe the groaning noises and the happy face mask just seemed a bit

incongruent.

Free

> Free - Yeah, I think I've been there myself. I just kept on

observing

> and trying on different masks. I think I am getting better at it.

And

> I feel good about knowing that this is a way that non-KOs manage.

>

> Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Well.....we'll have to take our masks off, but that is a great reason

to do so.....I've got a big enough outdoor tub, who wants to donate

some apples?

Glad to hear that you are having some success with/without the mask.

I think we sometimes change, and are not aware of it for awhile. And

hey, a success is a success.....we don't always have to analyze it.

And one last word - about the happy mask....have you ever noticed how

often people are more responsive to an unhappy or stern face rather

than a happy one? Maybe they recognize some of their own unhappiness

and find it easier to relate to? Or maybe it is the attempt to make

the unhappy face a happy one? Or.......? Okay, I'll sign off now,

getting too carried away!

Sylvia

> Sounds kind of like a Halloween party!

>

> Can we bob for apples???

>

> I guess one good thing is in that knowing my mask(s) didn't work -

> the fact that other people have stopped hissing at me is a good

sign.

> It might reflect that I am getting better - even without the

> appropriate mask.

>

> Or it might reflect that I am at least getting " well " enough that

my

> masks can fool them once again...

>

> Maybe the groaning noises and the happy face mask just seemed a bit

> incongruent.

>

> Free

>