Re: Edith/Advanced KOs

[Guest guest]

I know I've read stats where the tendency is pretty high

for KOs to become bps too...I know that I see that with my aunt and

grandnada on dad's side and my nada.

Thanks in advance for the feedback:)

Kerrie

Kerrie,

I have not been in therapy that long at one time. I was getting therapy for

about 8 mos last year. I have always had a fear of becoming exactly like my

mother. I have told my family that if I ever turn into her, I am going to end

everyones misery and die real quickly.

I don't know if you were talking about faulty parenting skills or something

else. If it was faulty parenting skills, then my best suggestion is to get as

many books as you can on getting along with your kids and still maintaining

control.

One book that I would suggest is " How not to alienate your kids in 10 easy

steps " . It helps when dealing with kids from 6 to 16. Then I have others that I

have read. My own parenting skills were faulty to the max so I read every self

help book and Child care book I could get my hands on.

Perhaps I am mistaken in my assumption. If so, please forgive me. I have only

my own experiences to go by. I have even got books on how to be a good wife. I

knew nothing and going by instincts was ruining my life. I am not saying that

you know nothing, just saying that I didn't. I am ashamed to say that at 24

years old I didn't know how to be a good mother, wife, daughter-in-law, or

average person. Most

everything I know besides the little my Granny,Granddaddy, Aunt, and Uncle

taught me Was learned from a book or from experience. Which its possible that

most of us kos learned that way. I am not sure on the last point as I have not

been here that long.

Debbie K

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

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[Guest guest]

Debbie,

Thanks for the book tip. I'll check it out though my baby is only

5mos old now. I'm super glad I'm older and have worked on a lot of

stuff before I got married and had kids though my dh is what

prompted me to get into therapy as an individual (went for years

with dysFUNctional family to no avail- 8 different Ts b/c nada never

liked them, etc). I can see now with my baby that I would've been so

screwed up in my 20-somethings as a parent as I did not have

anywhere near the impulse control I've got now days. I was much more

reactive and destructive b/c the bp past wasn't so far in the past.

I knew I was screwed up and therefore postponed marriage and all

that goes with it until I could feel 'safe' enough to venture into

that domain w/faith in myself to deal with the problems.

I just hate like you said that the instincts in some situations are

so screwed up- like the way I want to react instantly is NOT the way

a mom should and not the way I ideally want to react- and so I come

face to face with nada and so much of how badly she parented me and

how I need to just stay in the 'I don't know' zone rather than work

with what I know if that makes sense. I feel bad for my baby b/c I

know there have been times he's wanted nurturing and needed it and

the best I can do is just walk away b/c the screaming/crying has

gotten to my very last nerve (but from talking to even normal people

it seems not so uncommon to feel that way). Those aren't daily

occurances and not very often, but have brought me to tears in the

bathroom alone by knowing my nada was nothing like my mother-inl-law

who just loves the fear out of people (but she's rare and I know

that- a nurse and nurturer in eveyr sense of the word). I try not to

beat myself up and my baby really is a super happy kiddo and the

best compliments I've gotten, which I've gotten it three times now,

is how absolutely fearless he is. One lady who was a teacher told me

she could tell what went on behind closed doors even though parents

don't want you to know and she said my baby has absolute trust in me

and humans to meet his needs. That brought tears to my eyes b/c that

is so not how I was raised though I think I was always friendly like

he is. I just keep hearing how secure my baby is compared to even

normal babies and I know I need to cut myself some slack as I've

probably gone to the opposite extreme w/trying so hard to be plugged

in. I think KOs do have a tendency to overdo things as we learn from

nadas and fadas how to live in the extremes and don't always

regulate well. I'm an extreme parent in that I am extremely loving

to my baby and extremely defensive when people criticize my method

of parenting (I do the whole attachment parenting) and just smart

off most times.

I think my nada does have some good qualities, but she's a really

mentally ill person in my mind and so I find it difficult to discern

sometimes what she did that was actually normal and good and what

really sucked and is a manifestation of her mental illness. I mean

to say I didn't die in infancy and so she did do something right,

but my word I wonder if she pinched me or something when no one was

around or what. Hope I'm making sense.

Thanks for your feedback on this topic. It is, of course, a bit of a

concern for me at this time in my life just b/c I'd like to

understand 'normal' and how to guage myself.

I'm glad you are getting yourself helping for your sake and your

family's sake. It is such a hard road to travel getting out of the

muddy waters, isn't it? How is your family doing with all the

changes you are going through out of curiosity?

Kerrie

>

> I know I've read stats where the tendency is pretty high

> for KOs to become bps too...I know that I see that with my aunt

and

> grandnada on dad's side and my nada.

> Thanks in advance for the feedback:)

> Kerrie

>

> Kerrie,

> I have not been in therapy that long at one time. I was getting

therapy for about 8 mos last year. I have always had a fear of

becoming exactly like my mother. I have told my family that if I

ever turn into her, I am going to end everyones misery and die real

quickly.

> I don't know if you were talking about faulty parenting skills

or something else. If it was faulty parenting skills, then my best

suggestion is to get as many books as you can on getting along with

your kids and still maintaining control.

> One book that I would suggest is " How not to alienate your kids

in 10 easy steps " . It helps when dealing with kids from 6 to 16.

Then I have others that I have read. My own parenting skills were

faulty to the max so I read every self help book and Child care book

I could get my hands on.

> Perhaps I am mistaken in my assumption. If so, please forgive

me. I have only my own experiences to go by. I have even got books

on how to be a good wife. I knew nothing and going by instincts was

ruining my life. I am not saying that you know nothing, just saying

that I didn't. I am ashamed to say that at 24 years old I didn't

know how to be a good mother, wife, daughter-in-law, or average

person. Most

> everything I know besides the little my Granny,Granddaddy, Aunt,

and Uncle taught me Was learned from a book or from experience.

Which its possible that most of us kos learned that way. I am not

sure on the last point as I have not been here that long.

> Debbie K

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of

contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Kerry,

One thing that sets you apart from all the bp's in your family is your

awareness and you are here on this list dealing with it. I empathize with

raising

children with no decent role models. when my kids were little I read lots of

books about childrearing and I followed my heart and treated my babies with

love. It is really rough to contemplate raising children with no blueprint to

follow but it wasn't hard at all to raise them. Now my youngest is getting

ready for college, my oldest is graduating college and my middle one is a

sophmore in college. Bringing them up was wonderful and still is. Hope that

gives

you some comfort.

[Guest guest]

Yes,it does actually. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with

me. I just read this article in fit pregnancy today about how all

women turn out like their mothers in many ways and it just horrified

me. The book is in the trash (not being extreme- read the articles I

liked and threw it away b/c I'm not prego anymore-lol).

Thanks again.

Kerrie

> Dear Kerry,

> One thing that sets you apart from all the bp's in your family is

your

> awareness and you are here on this list dealing with it. I

empathize with raising

> children with no decent role models. when my kids were little I

read lots of

> books about childrearing and I followed my heart and treated my

babies with

> love. It is really rough to contemplate raising children with no

blueprint to

> follow but it wasn't hard at all to raise them. Now my youngest

is getting

> ready for college, my oldest is graduating college and my middle

one is a

> sophmore in college. Bringing them up was wonderful and still

is. Hope that gives

> you some comfort.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If the writers of these articles knew about BP, they might change

their statements to " All non-BP women turn out like their non-BP

mothers " . Since learning about BP, I have started to put that type

of statement between the lines of almost everything I read. Another

way to put this....much of what is written refers to 'normal'

situations. And our lives with a BP were not normal.

Just my $0.02

Sylvia - Hey - its 7:26 am in the northeast - and it just started

snowing here! Love watching the snow fall - A very self-soothing

practice for me.