Re: Hi I'm new here...

[Guest guest]

,

Welcome to the club! Yes, I can identify with your feelings. My mom

used to hit me with whatever was available (including a galvanized

steel bucket once) wherever I was available. I thought she was

trying to kill me. She is also verbally abusive and always has

been. She doesn't do it when others are around because she projects

this image of being the ideal mother. I have always kept it to

myself because, like you, I knew no one would believe me if I told

them what a monster my mother really is. I'll be 42 next month and

it was only last summer that I told my husband of 12 yrs what really

happened to me as a child. He believes me, but other than him and

this site, there are very few people I confide in. Two books that

are a 'must read' for us KOs (kids of BPD parents) are Stop Walking

on Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother. When I read

UBM, I felt I was reading my life story. Especially the part about

the witch mother. It's deeply disturbing stuff. Take it slow as you

read because you will recognize things you probably 'stuffed' for

years and there will be a lot of tears as you go through it. Keep

posting and let us know how you are progressing. You found the best

place to share your experiences. Everyone here will believe you

because we've all been there. Validation by others on this site is

like all the hugs we never got as kids.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Love and Blessings,

Tammy

> Hi everyone! I am 34 years old and have known for as

> much of my life that I can remember that something was

> " different " about my mother. I remember being in

> gradeschool (2nd or 3rd grade) and being asked to

> write down 3 wishes and my number 1 wish was for my

> mother to be happy. I am no stranger to mental

> illness, my grandfather on my father's side was

> bipolar and my youngest brother is schizophrenic. I

> always just thought my mother was depressive- and then

> she had a manic/psychotic break a couple of years ago-

> it lasted for over a year and after it was over she

> crashed HARD.

> She has been verbally abusive to me and my brothers

> for as long as I can remember. While she was still

> married to my father, she had numerous affairs. I am

> the oldest child and she shared with me when I was 8,

> that she started cheating on my dad when I was just 2

> years old.

> She had alcohol hidden all over the house when I was

> growing up- she was such a sneaky drinker, that I had

> no idea. I was used to her dramatic moodswings-I

> never knew what I was going to get with her.

> When she got SUPER angry, she would grab whatever was

> nearby, and hit me and my brothers with them,

> typically in the head, she'd use phones, dishes,

> whatever she could find.

> While all of this was going on, she started and

> maintained her own business, which she eventually

> bankrupted. She was very successful for a while, just

> really bad with money.

> She has not maintained friendships or relationships—at

> first, when she talked about the friend or boyfriend,

> it was like they could do no wrong- she would put

> these people before herself, before her own children.

> Then, when these people would disappoint her or she

> would get some sign from them that they weren't as

> invested in the relationship as she was, she would

> start talking about all of their faults and this and

> that and why she doesn't need them anyways OR she

> would sabotage the relationship.

> She has attempted suicide numerous times, and has

> participated in many self-destructive behaviors. I

> think I have spent the majority of my adult life

> trying to help her and or save her. It has been an

> exhausting ride.

>

> Anyway, I am now a mother myself, I have 6 year old

> twin boys. I have broken off communication with my

> mother, to preserve my sanity. As usual, I have mixed

> feelings about this--guilty? shame? genuine concern

> for her? I can't tell anymore.

>

> Whenever I have told the stories of my childhood, most

> people think I am making the stuff up. It can't

> possibly be real, right? I had to embellish these

> stories because that kind of craziness doesn't really

> happen. Well it did, and still does.

> I was surfing around on the web, trying to learn more

> about MYSELF and some of the characteristics in her

> that I recognize in me. I stumbled upon some info

> about BPD and everything started to click into place.

> I definitely noticed that I really used to live in

> fear of being left and/or abandoned. Because of this,

> I would test my boyfriends, or actually try to

> manipulate them. I think I was so needy and insecure

> and I thought if I misbehaved, I would at least know

> the reason they left me instead of them just leaving

> me.

> I feel very lucky to be in a healthy relationship now.

> I am beginning to feel safe for the first time in my

> life. But, I know that lurking inside me are still

> some borderline characteristics from growing up with

> my mother as my main role model (my father moved out

> when I was 13 and I didn't maintain a relationship

> with him until I was much older).

> I guess I feel luckiest of all that there are other

> people out there who might actually understand the

> experience my brothers and I had growing up.

> If anyone has any recommendations to guide me a long

> my path of discovery and healing, I would appreciate

> hearing them. Thank you.

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Hi everyone! I am 34 years old and have known for as

> much of my life that I can remember that something was

> " different " about my mother.

Yep, me too. Probably every person on this list..

I remember being in

> gradeschool (2nd or 3rd grade) and being asked to

> write down 3 wishes and my number 1 wish was for my

> mother to be happy.

My wish was to have some peace in my life

> She had alcohol hidden all over the house when I was

> growing up- she was such a sneaky drinker, that I had

> no idea. I was used to her dramatic moodswings-I

> never knew what I was going to get with her.

Yes, the moodswings, they were terrible. The inconsistency and

uneasiness of never knowing what to expect makes for such a stressful

environment.

> She has not maintained friendships or relationships—at

> first, when she talked about the friend or boyfriend,

> it was like they could do no wrong- she would put

> these people before herself, before her own children.

I remember wishing I was a stranger, they got treated better than her

own family. But, like you said, something would happen and it would

all fall apart. We had NO outside family friends, relatives growing

up whatsoever. Ever.

> Then, when these people would disappoint her or she

> would get some sign from them that they weren't as

> invested in the relationship as she was, she would

> start talking about all of their faults and this and

> that and why she doesn't need them anyways OR she

> would sabotage the relationship.

Yes, the unstable intense relationships.

> She has attempted suicide numerous times, and has

> participated in many self-destructive behaviors. I

> think I have spent the majority of my adult life

> trying to help her and or save her. It has been an

> exhausting ride.

I can relate. My mother was slowly killing herself with pills and

alcohol about 15 yrs ago and would have if my sis and I wouldn't have

stepped in and taken her to the hospital. Of course she blamed us and

never forgave us. The thought of being in a hospital and not having

control sobered her up right quick. She never thanked us of course.

She decided that we were trying to have her put away for good. Always

with the paranoia..

> Anyway, I am now a mother myself, I have 6 year old

> twin boys. I have broken off communication with my

> mother, to preserve my sanity. As usual, I have mixed

> feelings about this--guilty? shame? genuine concern

> for her? I can't tell anymore.

>

I too have broken contact and feel the same mixture. Some days I am

angry about what I lost and feel completely confident I did the best

thing and other days I yearn for a family and wonder if I could

handle returning, but the thought of returning feels wrong at this

point so I just try and put it out of my mind. <sigh> I must say tho,

that my life didn't really feel peaceful until I ended contact.

> Whenever I have told the stories of my childhood, most

> people think I am making the stuff up. It can't

> possibly be real, right? I had to embellish these

> stories because that kind of craziness doesn't really

> happen. Well it did, and still does.

My husband looks shocked when I tell him stories from my childhood

and I know that look well.

> I was surfing around on the web, trying to learn more

> about MYSELF and some of the characteristics in her

> that I recognize in me. I stumbled upon some info

> about BPD and everything started to click into place.

> I definitely noticed that I really used to live in

> fear of being left and/or abandoned. Because of this,

> I would test my boyfriends, or actually try to

> manipulate them. I think I was so needy and insecure

> and I thought if I misbehaved, I would at least know

> the reason they left me instead of them just leaving

> me.

I have struggled with this as well. No matter how great I was in a

relationship I felt insecure..a terrible feeling, so scary..I still

feel it sometimes and I have to sit down and talk to that frightened

little girl.

> I feel very lucky to be in a healthy relationship now.

> I am beginning to feel safe for the first time in my

> life. But, I know that lurking inside me are still

> some borderline characteristics from growing up with

> my mother as my main role model.

I feel lucky too and I have some bp tendencies as well and they are

called *fleas* on this site since they are something we *got* from

living with a host bp.

> I guess I feel luckiest of all that there are other

> people out there who might actually understand the

> experience my brothers and I had growing up.

> If anyone has any recommendations to guide me a long

> my path of discovery and healing, I would appreciate

> hearing them.

Yes. The book Understanding the Borderline Mother is a must as well

as seeing a therapist, imo. I think between the books, my therapist,

and this list I have gotten the support to take back my life. Welcome

and keep posting! You are definitely not alone..

[Guest guest]

<<<<<<<.......... I remember being in

> gradeschool (2nd or 3rd grade) and being asked to

> write down 3 wishes and my number 1 wish was for my

> mother to be happy. >>>>>>>>>

As a child, I was aware of how unhappy my nada was. At the age of 18,

I finally realized that only she could make herself happy. However, I

still spent many years after that trying to get my nada to understand

that she could do something about her situation. At that time, I did

not understand about BPD.

<<<<< ........> She has been verbally abusive to me and my brothers

> for as long as I can remember.>>>>>>

Nada was also verbally and emotionally abusive. There was a pecking

order for this abuse, 1st my father, then me, and then my sister. For

the most part, I think my sister got the least abuse, as my

nada 'split' her into the good child. Nada would threaten to leave

us all, because we didn't appreaciate all she sacrificed for us. She

told me often that she couldn't love me because I was so bad. As

the 'good' child, she told my sister that father loved me best, but

that was okay because she loved my sister best! SICK, SICK, SICK.

<<<<<< .........When she got SUPER angry, she would grab whatever was

> nearby, and hit me and my brothers with them,

> typically in the head, she'd use phones, dishes,

> whatever she could find.>>>>>>>>>

We didn't get physical abuse (except for one incident when it was

actually my father who beat me with two belts when I was about 15

years old.) The abuse was always verbal and emotional. Her berating

my father was also emotional abuse to me.

<<<<<....... She has not maintained friendships or relationships—at

> first, when she talked about the friend or boyfriend,

> it was like they could do no wrong- she would put

> these people before herself, before her own children.

> Then, when these people would disappoint her or she

> would get some sign from them that they weren't as

> invested in the relationship as she was, she would

> start talking about all of their faults and this and

> that and why she doesn't need them anyways OR she

> would sabotage the relationship.>>>>>>>

My nada does have some 'friends'. They see her as a generous and

caring person. (My sisten & I just can't figure that out. But it is

not unusual for a BP.

<<<<<.......I

> think I have spent the majority of my adult life

> trying to help her and or save her. It has been an

> exhausting ride.>>>>>>

I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to find the right

thing that would get nada to understand herself, and then to create

the family that I never had. (And I am much older than you!) So

even though I knew that she was responsible for her own happiness, I

still thought, at some level, that there was something I could do to

make the situation a better one.

>

<<<<<<<< Anyway, I am now a mother myself, I have 6 year old

> twin boys. I have broken off communication with my

> mother, to preserve my sanity. As usual, I have mixed

> feelings about this--guilty? shame? genuine concern

> for her? I can't tell anymore.>>>>>>

I was still involved with nada while I was raising my children. I

don't think they suffered for this, as she did not act out with them

as she did with my FOO. As they got older, my children understood,

pretty much on their own, that nada had problems.

I found being a parent was part of my healing process. But it wasn't

easy, and there were so many times that I didn't know if I was doing

the right thing. From a psychology class in college, I first learned

about the impact parents really had on their children. I did alot of

reading about children, and learned alot from observing people whom I

thought were good parents. I often joked that nada was the best

example of what not to do as a mother!

It is pretty hard for most of us to deal with not communicating with

our BP parent. The book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, explains FOG -

Fear, Guilt, Obligation, and how it affects us.

<<<<<<.......

> Whenever I have told the stories of my childhood, most

> people think I am making the stuff up. It can't

> possibly be real, right? I had to embellish these

> stories because that kind of craziness doesn't really

> happen. Well it did, and still does.>>>>

I only talked about this stuff to a few people. The older I got, the

harder it was to talk about it. I think most people thought I should

just get over it, and they couldn't understand why I didn't do that.

In addition, my father thought we should all just understand that

nada was like that, she wasn't going to change, and that she really

didn't mean the things she said and did.

<<<<<> I was surfing around on the web, trying to learn more

> about MYSELF and some of the characteristics in her

> that I recognize in me. I stumbled upon some info

> about BPD and everything started to click into place. >>>>>

I learned about BPD the same way. On the web - looking for something

else. I used to be very afraid that I was going to be just like nada.

Now I know that I can do something about those traits, and that I

don't have that disease.

<<<<<........ I guess I feel luckiest of all that there are other

> people out there who might actually understand the

> experience my brothers and I had growing up.

> If anyone has any recommendations to guide me a long

> my path of discovery and healing, I would appreciate

> hearing them. Thank you.

>

> >>>>>>

The book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, really explains what it is like

to have BP. It also gives good suggestions on how to deal with

your 'similar' charactistics. Another good book is Understanding the

Borderline Mother. Both of these can be tough reading for some

people. Posting and reading on this mesasge board will help

tremendously.

Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of those little

boys.

- Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Hi , and Welcome,

'Breaking off communications' with your mother says a lot about how really

awful 'the ride' has been for you, and that you are determined to raise

emotionally healthy children. Your story is very similar to mine. I finally

learned

that 'everything in it's own time' really makes a lot of sense, as trite as it

sounds. My own family needs couldn't wait for my Nmom to 'grow up'. In

order to be the kind of mother to my sons that they needed, and deserved, it was

necessary for me to put them first...before my Nmother's inappropriate (gut

wrenching, guilt laden, all-or-nothing) needs. It was a short step from telling

her that she would have to wait, to telling her no altogether when she raged

jealously about how I 'spoiled' my children.

Don't look back. You have two very lucky boys. Carol

Hi everyone! I am 34 years old and have known for as

much of my life that I can remember that something was

" different " about my mother. I remember being in

gradeschool (2nd or 3rd grade) and being asked to

write down 3 wishes and my number 1 wish was for my

mother to be happy. I am no stranger to mental

illness, my grandfather on my father's side was

bipolar and my youngest brother is schizophrenic. I

always just thought my mother was depressive- and then

she had a manic/psychotic break a couple of years ago-

it lasted for over a year and after it was over she

crashed HARD.

She has been verbally abusive to me and my brothers

for as long as I can remember. While she was still

married to my father, she had numerous affairs. I am

the oldest child and she shared with me when I was 8,

that she started cheating on my dad when I was just 2

years old.

She had alcohol hidden all over the house when I was

growing up- she was such a sneaky drinker, that I had

no idea. I was used to her dramatic moodswings-I

never knew what I was going to get with her.

When she got SUPER angry, she would grab whatever was

nearby, and hit me and my brothers with them,

typically in the head, she'd use phones, dishes,

whatever she could find.

While all of this was going on, she started and

maintained her own business, which she eventually

bankrupted. She was very successful for a while, just

really bad with money.

She has not maintained friendships or relationships—at

first, when she talked about the friend or boyfriend,

it was like they could do no wrong- she would put

these people before herself, before her own children.

Then, when these people would disappoint her or she

would get some sign from them that they weren’t as

invested in the relationship as she was, she would

start talking about all of their faults and this and

that and why she doesn’t need them anyways OR she

would sabotage the relationship.

She has attempted suicide numerous times, and has

participated in many self-destructive behaviors. I

think I have spent the majority of my adult life

trying to help her and or save her. It has been an

exhausting ride.

Anyway, I am now a mother myself, I have 6 year old

twin boys. I have broken off communication with my

mother, to preserve my sanity. As usual, I have mixed

feelings about this--guilty? shame? genuine concern

for her? I can't tell anymore.

Whenever I have told the stories of my childhood, most

people think I am making the stuff up. It can’t

possibly be real, right? I had to embellish these

stories because that kind of craziness doesn’t really

happen. Well it did, and still does.

I was surfing around on the web, trying to learn more

about MYSELF and some of the characteristics in her

that I recognize in me. I stumbled upon some info

about BPD and everything started to click into place.

I definitely noticed that I really used to live in

fear of being left and/or abandoned. Because of this,

I would test my boyfriends, or actually try to

manipulate them. I think I was so needy and insecure

and I thought if I misbehaved, I would at least know

the reason they left me instead of them just leaving

me.

I feel very lucky to be in a healthy relationship now.

I am beginning to feel safe for the first time in my

life. But, I know that lurking inside me are still

some borderline characteristics from growing up with

my mother as my main role model (my father moved out

when I was 13 and I didn’t maintain a relationship

with him until I was much older).

I guess I feel luckiest of all that there are other

people out there who might actually understand the

experience my brothers and I had growing up.

If anyone has any recommendations to guide me a long

my path of discovery and healing, I would appreciate

hearing them. Thank you.