Re: Double Standard - Tammy

[Guest guest]

Tammy,

I'm not sure this has to be an either-or situation, unless you want

it to be. There is a lot of middle ground between having no contact -

and meeting with someone without your husband's knowledge (if that

bothers him.)

If your husband has not been controlling in the past and has not

shown insecurity in the past - then I would wonder if he is really

still severely impacted by his ex-wife's infedilty and projecting

that onto you. I would think if it was an actual projection of severe

insecurity - it would have shown up before.

In thinking of my own situation - Yes. I have/had many triggers. And

I probably projected some things onto the guy-person. However, his

behaviors played into a lot of things a great deal. I am beginning to

understand more and more, that even though I had triggers - it is not

like I just took any little thing and got triggered over it.

For instance - my " abadonment fear. " It is not like when he was

showering me with constant attention that I was sitting around

crying " Don't leave me!!! " But when he hung up on me - or even

threatened to - my fears would surface.

And then that created a pattern. Then I didn't just have the fear

DURING arguements - I started sometimes having the fear just during a

conversation - afraid that I would say the wrong thing - or say

something the wrong way - which would lead to an arguement - which

would lead to the " temporary abandonment. " And a lot of this seemed

to be from the pattern of knowing that once I " triggered " him - it

usually went downhill from there. The conversation would not go well.

Then, at times, that led to even being afraid to talk to him until

the next conversation that went well.

What I am trying to say is that - Yes. I became completely and

totally insecure - but a lot of that had to do with HIS behavior, as

well as my insecurity.

Is it possible that your husband's issue was more with you not

telling him - or not including him - than with the fact that you were

going to see Josh alone? That he thought you were hiding it, or

keeping it secret from him because you didn't share that? That would

be different than being jealous just because you were meeting with a

member of the opposite sex.

Maybe this is a place where some of the his, mine, and ours baggage

got tangled.

It seems from what you have shared in other posts your husband loves

you very much - and also trusts you and believes in you. That's a

heck of a lot.

I wish you many blessings in getting this resolved within you - and

between the two of you.

Free

>

> ,

>

> My husband asked me the same question last night about how would I

> feel if the situation was reversed. I'm not sure how to answer it,

> though. I think it would depend on whether or not he gave me a

> reason to think he was unfaithful. They always say the

wife/husband

> is the last to know, but I think it's that the wife/husband who is

> the last to ADMIT that they know.

>

> Today I finally realized just how bad my hubby's insecurity issues

> are. I haven't been real sensitive to that because I never thought

> of him that way, but I'm starting to think he needs therapy more

than

> I do. He was really traumatized by his ex-wife's infidelity. I'm

> going to talk to him about it tonight when he gets home. Wish me

> luck, I'm going to need it! BTW, I've decided that I am no longer

> going to have ANY kind of relationship with any of my former

students

> even though I feel I haven't done anything wrong. I've learned how

> to establish healthy boundaries with them, but my husband doesn't

> know that, so I think for the sake of my marriage I will avoid the

> kids from here on out. It hurts, but it's better than losing my

> husband.

>

> Tammy

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > ,

> >

> > My husband asked me the same question last night about how would

I

> > feel if the situation was reversed. I'm not sure how to answer

it,

> > though. I think it would depend on whether or not he gave me a

> > reason to think he was unfaithful. They always say the

> wife/husband

> > is the last to know, but I think it's that the wife/husband who

is

> > the last to ADMIT that they know.

> >

> > Today I finally realized just how bad my hubby's insecurity

issues

> > are. I haven't been real sensitive to that because I never

thought

> > of him that way, but I'm starting to think he needs therapy more

> than

> > I do. He was really traumatized by his ex-wife's infidelity.

I'm

> > going to talk to him about it tonight when he gets home. Wish me

> > luck, I'm going to need it! BTW, I've decided that I am no

longer

> > going to have ANY kind of relationship with any of my former

> students

> > even though I feel I haven't done anything wrong. I've learned

how

> > to establish healthy boundaries with them, but my husband doesn't

> > know that, so I think for the sake of my marriage I will avoid

the

> > kids from here on out. It hurts, but it's better than losing my

> > husband.

> >

> > Tammy

> >

[Guest guest]

Tammy,

I didn't see the original post come through on my personal server. It was

probably because my server has a lot of problems. Anyway, from what I understand

from the various posts that have gone on, is that you met one of your students

after school hours (?). This is quite dangerous to do as some of the parents

themselves will make quite a big deal of this in light of all the bad press this

has gotten in the past. Teachers molesting students, students lying on teachers

saying they were molested, many things of that kind of nature.

As you have stated many times lately, your husband is a wonderful &

understanding man. Could it be that he is trying to protect you and your family?

Many times I do not see the danger in certain types of situations and my husband

does. He will tell me about it too. He cannot always put his finger on exactly

what is wrong because it is instinctive to him, But most of the time he can. I

have found that when I listen to him, I fare better. When I say " Oh Poo, that's

a crock " it usually turns out ill for me in the end. It is rare that he is ever

wrong.

This may not be the case in your situation, but then again it may be. But please

give it some thought as the reasoning you describe doesn't match the

descriptions you have recently given of his treatment of you in general.

Debbie

Re: Double Standard - Tammy

Tammy,

I'm not sure this has to be an either-or situation, unless you want

it to be. There is a lot of middle ground between having no contact -

and meeting with someone without your husband's knowledge (if that

bothers him.)

If your husband has not been controlling in the past and has not

shown insecurity in the past - then I would wonder if he is really

still severely impacted by his ex-wife's infedilty and projecting

that onto you. I would think if it was an actual projection of severe

insecurity - it would have shown up before.

In thinking of my own situation - Yes. I have/had many triggers. And

I probably projected some things onto the guy-person. However, his

behaviors played into a lot of things a great deal. I am beginning to

understand more and more, that even though I had triggers - it is not

like I just took any little thing and got triggered over it.

For instance - my " abadonment fear. " It is not like when he was

showering me with constant attention that I was sitting around

crying " Don't leave me!!! " But when he hung up on me - or even

threatened to - my fears would surface.

And then that created a pattern. Then I didn't just have the fear

DURING arguements - I started sometimes having the fear just during a

conversation - afraid that I would say the wrong thing - or say

something the wrong way - which would lead to an arguement - which

would lead to the " temporary abandonment. " And a lot of this seemed

to be from the pattern of knowing that once I " triggered " him - it

usually went downhill from there. The conversation would not go well.

Then, at times, that led to even being afraid to talk to him until

the next conversation that went well.

What I am trying to say is that - Yes. I became completely and

totally insecure - but a lot of that had to do with HIS behavior, as

well as my insecurity.

Is it possible that your husband's issue was more with you not

telling him - or not including him - than with the fact that you were

going to see Josh alone? That he thought you were hiding it, or

keeping it secret from him because you didn't share that? That would

be different than being jealous just because you were meeting with a

member of the opposite sex.

Maybe this is a place where some of the his, mine, and ours baggage

got tangled.

It seems from what you have shared in other posts your husband loves

you very much - and also trusts you and believes in you. That's a

heck of a lot.

I wish you many blessings in getting this resolved within you - and

between the two of you.

Free

>

> ,

>

> My husband asked me the same question last night about how would I

> feel if the situation was reversed. I'm not sure how to answer it,

> though. I think it would depend on whether or not he gave me a

> reason to think he was unfaithful. They always say the

wife/husband

> is the last to know, but I think it's that the wife/husband who is

> the last to ADMIT that they know.

>

> Today I finally realized just how bad my hubby's insecurity issues

> are. I haven't been real sensitive to that because I never thought

> of him that way, but I'm starting to think he needs therapy more

than

> I do. He was really traumatized by his ex-wife's infidelity. I'm

> going to talk to him about it tonight when he gets home. Wish me

> luck, I'm going to need it! BTW, I've decided that I am no longer

> going to have ANY kind of relationship with any of my former

students

> even though I feel I haven't done anything wrong. I've learned how

> to establish healthy boundaries with them, but my husband doesn't

> know that, so I think for the sake of my marriage I will avoid the

> kids from here on out. It hurts, but it's better than losing my

> husband.

>

> Tammy

>

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------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Tammy,

How are you doing now?

I've read a few more of your posts and understand what you are going

through a little more now.

For one thing it seems like your " issues " and your husband's " issues "

are tangling together in places. That gets sticky because it is often

hard to tell what belongs to who..

But yes..I hear you on the ex-wife stuff....

What a smack in the face to be compared to an ex. I'm not sure if men

realize when they " play the ex card " that they are not

usually " discussing their feelings " (as they seem to think they are)

but actually doing some power play stuff.

I mean I HAVE been triggered by things from my ex and my parents...

but when the triggers hit - I don't even realize they are triggers. I

just think they are intense feelings. Then LATER - when working

through it - I often come to the realization that it was triggered by

something PRIOR. But - I really don't intend to just hold on to the

triggers for the rest of my life and then just scream " My ex!!! "

immediately when they are pushed.

To me - the " my ex " type folks aren't really " working " on their

wounds. They just hold them up from time to time so you can see them

so you will stop doing whatever it was you were doing before the ex

stuff got triggered.

And that is NOT talking about FEELINGS. It is projecting their ex

stuff onto you - or protecting their real feelings from being

explored because how could you DARE push the issue when they have

this " ex thing. "

As you can probably tell - this is a personal one for me.

I don't know how many times I had the " ex thing " thrown in my face.

And to me - that is like a double blow. I had NO say in the ex-thing -

yet she could be thrown up at me. Why is that? Now THAT's a double

standard - now that I think of it. That I couldn't throw HIS ex up in

HIS face - but he could throw her up in mine.

" I'm not going to argue with you about this because my ex...... "

" I'm not going to do that because my ex..... "

" I put up with such and such from my ex...and I'm not going to put up

with it from you.. "

One time I even found out the guy-person was lying to me about

something. And so I told him. Not ACCUSED him, mind you - but TOLD

him. I knew he would probably not react well - but in my mind - if I

knew he was lying - and I didn't inform him that I knew that - and

just kept acting like I believed what he was saying - then I would

be, in a sense, lying to him and supporting his lie. I didn't even

ACCUSE him of LYING - I merely told him I knew the truth.

OMG!!! Out came the ex-thing. He LIED to ME - and then was mad at ME

because I told him I knew the truth. (MY ex accused me of lying and

I'm not putting up with that from YOU!!! And actually " broke up "

with me for several days). The whole issue to him was not that HE had

lied - or even what he had lied about. To him, the issue was that

*I*, like his ex, had accused him of lying. And again, I didn't

actually accuse him. I calmly told him I knew the truth - and HE flew

off the handle.

So, I don't " do " the " ex-thing " well...

But then again, I guess that as long as they can at least tell you

about the " ex-thing " - you know what you are dealing with.

Sometimes I swear - I couldn't figure out what he was arguing about.

I finally figured out sometimes he was arguing with HER - not me. He

would go on about how I was ATTRIBUTING things to him... or something

else... When I started reading the posts in OZ - I started putting

things together - and realized that MANY of the things he had been

accusing me of were BP behaviors...

Then it clicked. I thought - No wonder I'm going crazy - he's

treating me like I have BP!!! Some of it started to make more sense.

But I also wondered - if being treated like that made me, who used to

be semi-normal, feel crazy - what in the heck would it do to a BP? So

I eyed the Nons in Oz with suspicion. They were all claiming " We're

the good guys!!! " but I was secretly wondering if they had, indeed,

driven their spouses crazy by treating them like BPs.

Even some of the ways the guy-person acted seemed like " somewhat "

attempts to set BP boundaries...

But I'm not BP - and they weren't really boundaries...

To me - a boundary would be - " Look. We are getting pretty emotional

about this - so we need to stop the discussion for now - and I will

call you back in a little while and we can talk about it when we are

not so upset. "

Simply hanging up the phone. (Click)...or Yelling at you and hanging

up the phone (GRRRR..Click) is NOT setting a boundary to me. It is

getting mad and hanging up on someone.

I think there is a difference...

So - hey! The " ex-thing " really got me going here...

And there seems to be a thing about men and their " ex-things " - Where

they don't want to talk about it.... " I'm not like YOU...I don't TALK

about everything..I handle MY problems in a different way.. " (i.e. I

bury it and refuse to think about it or dicuss it ) - but then they

take it out and wave it around from time to time...

Free - being bitchy about the " ex-thing "

> > >

> > > ,

> > >

> > > My husband asked me the same question last night about how

would

> I

> > > feel if the situation was reversed. I'm not sure how to answer

> it,

> > > though. I think it would depend on whether or not he gave me a

> > > reason to think he was unfaithful. They always say the

> > wife/husband

> > > is the last to know, but I think it's that the wife/husband who

> is

> > > the last to ADMIT that they know.

> > >

> > > Today I finally realized just how bad my hubby's insecurity

> issues

> > > are. I haven't been real sensitive to that because I never

> thought

> > > of him that way, but I'm starting to think he needs therapy

more

> > than

> > > I do. He was really traumatized by his ex-wife's infidelity.

> I'm

> > > going to talk to him about it tonight when he gets home. Wish

me

> > > luck, I'm going to need it! BTW, I've decided that I am no

> longer

> > > going to have ANY kind of relationship with any of my former

> > students

> > > even though I feel I haven't done anything wrong. I've learned

> how

> > > to establish healthy boundaries with them, but my husband

doesn't

> > > know that, so I think for the sake of my marriage I will avoid

> the

> > > kids from here on out. It hurts, but it's better than losing

my

> > > husband.

> > >

> > > Tammy

> > >