Re: Dealing with STRESS

March 8, 2004

Hi. I think we KO's can outwardly handle stress because we were

raised with it, but inwardly I tend to sorta disappear or go under

while it is going on. I am not fully present, I numb out and then

later the stress hits me and hopefully I take the time to plug back

in and deal with it, otherwise it gets stored in bad ways. It gets

piled on top of piles until I feel completely overwhelmed and wonder

why I feel so stressed. I am learning to plug into myself and feel

present. I couldn't do that growing up. Now that I am away from nada

and foo I am learning to do that. Could you maybe give an example of

what you are dealing with? Generally speaking tho, I think KO's tend

to discount and numb out from our needs and feelings and then it

builds and we feel very angry and can't always connect the dots and

feel misunderstood (even within ourselves)and confused. We weren't

taught that our feelings were important, let alone how to process

them and have to teach ourselves. Anyway, don't know if any of that

resonates with you, but I know that I struggle with my feelings and

reactions and being present and consistent. Take care, .

> I am confused and so I was hoping for insight from some of you.

>

> Do you think that as KOs we are less or more sensitive to stressful

> situation? Are we able to withstand more or less stress, I guess?

> Sometimes I think I can take a lot more than some people, but then

> again maybe I just THINK I can, or I can to a certain point and

then

> I fall apart.

>

> Do you think people around us are aware of our distress? Do we

> downplay it and hide it or is it more obvious than we realize?

> Anyone ever get insight from their friends and family about this?

> Sometimes I think I've been rude or irritating and I might

apologize

> only to find that the other person didn't notice.

>

> Which on one hand is good... it's not like if I overreact i want

> everyone to know, at the same time when I am justified about

> something if it's too subtle to be noticed (which maybe will lead

to

> that later breaking point) obviously that can be a problem too.

>

> I am in a very stressful situation and I don't know how to handle

> it. Those in control of my life do not communicate with me unless

I

> have done something wrong, at which point it is really too late for

> me to resolve things without there being a huge fall out. I don't

> know what to do. I really don't. I know that none of this would

> matter to anyone as much as it matters to me but does that make it

> any less right for me to ask for help when I need it and expect at

> least a RESPONSE?? And if I don't get one, do I keep pushing until

I

> make people made, or retreat and figure it out myself, knowing I

will

> probably screw up and just make everything worse.

>

> My counselor I've been seeing for six months is worthless and I

don't

> think I'll go back. I have tried to give her a good amount of time

> so I wouldn't feel like my mom (jumping from counselor to counselor

> and being too demanding). it just didn't work and it's not been at

> all helpful. I am starting to wonder how much longer I can really

do

> all this on my own, and I don't know really what the alternative is

> that is any better.

March 8, 2004

Scout,

I would say that ko's are more sensitive to stress than others, but some of the

stresses are easier to hide than others.

My advice, if I can give such a thing, would be to yell for help. Or if that

fails, screw it up on purpose and let some other person pick up the pieces and

straighten it out.

Some things that use to really scare the hell out of me as a kid still scare

the hell out of me now. But I am better at hiding it. Its just not acceptable

for an adult to go to pieces just because someone yells at them or gets a

certain look that our Non-parent (s) use to get.

One example: My step-adopted dad used to yell at me and get a certain

expression on his face when I was fixing to get the hell beat out of me. A

couple of times my husband got the same look on his face when correcting our

children. Now my husband is in no way like that man from my past. But, when he

got that look, my breathing would change, my heartbeat would change its rate, I

would become filled with dread and be unable to move or think. I would literally

be transported into my past in my mind. When that look was gone I would run into

my room and cry. Which is what I used to do as a kid also. Finally I got up the

nerve to discuss it with my husband. Because I was not so good at explaining

myself my husband thought I was accusing him of being like my step-adopted dad

and he became angry at me. It took a long time for us to work out a suitable

compromise. My husband was not aware of how his behavior affected me because I

never let it show on my face or in my actions at the time it was occurring.

Another time, my husband & I were arguing. I was angry and went to throw my

shoes across the room. Well my internal thought was that I would like to hit him

with the shoe. I aimed for a point distant from him, but in the same general

direction. I guess my internal thought took control because that shoe hit him

right in the leg. I turned pale as a ghost and curled up into a tiny ball just

waiting for the blows from him to happen. He asked me what I was doing. I

explained that I was waiting for him to beat me for hitting him with the shoe.

That was the end of the argument. And he set right on the bed beside me and

explained why married people do not hit each other. And that I never had to be

afraid of him in that manner.

I told you 2 different incidents to show how some things we can hide that really

affect us and some things we can't control so well. Some things will cause a

real severe reaction from us that we cannot control, while others will seem to

barely affect us at all. Some things we learn to hide real early and become

quite the expert at hiding it as time goes on. Others we couldn't hide if we

wanted to.

Then also some people are pretty good at reading others. Some things we say or

reactions we have will not bother them because they can understand that it isn't

them that is causing the problem, or even if they are, they sometimes consider

you as perhaps more sensitive on that particular day.

Sometimes others are not as sensitive to our needs and if we don't show a

serious enough side they are not as likely to take note of what we say, or they

may just not care how we feel. There is just no way of knowing for sure. Its

kind of hard to read people sometimes. At least it is for me.

Its never wrong to ask for help if you believe that you need it. I have had

people tell me that its wrong not to ask for help when you need it. If you have

to insist on someone helping you because you are sure you will screw up then I

would say " yes " keep bugging them. I think there are many of us who are afraid

of being like their mothers (nadas), and so we are concerned by any of our

behaviors that seem to be similar. But we also have to take into account that we

are not them and we have to stand up for ourselves sometimes. Some people you

have to go overboard with and some people are fairly reasonable with any

requests you make, While others are stone deaf and you could scream to high

heaven and they would go on as if you never said a word.

As for your therapist, if you are not getting the help you need from her and you

want to change, then by all means do so. You have the right to ask for and

recieve true help with your problems. She is getting paid to help you. Its a

waste of money, not to mention holding you back from where you want to be, by

staying with her if she's not doing her job.

So don't give up. Keep looking for the right therapist for yourself. 6 months is

plenty of time to see if things are going to click or not. You have to take care

of you as best you can.

Debbie K.

From: scoutbonon

To: ModOasis

Sent: Monday, March 08, 2004 11:56 PM

Subject: Dealing with STRESS

I am confused and so I was hoping for insight from some of you.

Do you think that as KOs we are less or more sensitive to stressful

situation? Are we able to withstand more or less stress, I guess?

Sometimes I think I can take a lot more than some people, but then

again maybe I just THINK I can, or I can to a certain point and then

I fall apart.

Do you think people around us are aware of our distress? Do we

downplay it and hide it or is it more obvious than we realize?

Anyone ever get insight from their friends and family about this?

Sometimes I think I've been rude or irritating and I might apologize

only to find that the other person didn't notice.

Which on one hand is good... it's not like if I overreact i want

everyone to know, at the same time when I am justified about

something if it's too subtle to be noticed (which maybe will lead to

that later breaking point) obviously that can be a problem too.

I am in a very stressful situation and I don't know how to handle

it. Those in control of my life do not communicate with me unless I

have done something wrong, at which point it is really too late for

me to resolve things without there being a huge fall out. I don't

know what to do. I really don't. I know that none of this would

matter to anyone as much as it matters to me but does that make it

any less right for me to ask for help when I need it and expect at

least a RESPONSE?? And if I don't get one, do I keep pushing until I

make people made, or retreat and figure it out myself, knowing I will

probably screw up and just make everything worse.

My counselor I've been seeing for six months is worthless and I don't

think I'll go back. I have tried to give her a good amount of time

so I wouldn't feel like my mom (jumping from counselor to counselor

and being too demanding). it just didn't work and it's not been at

all helpful. I am starting to wonder how much longer I can really do

all this on my own, and I don't know really what the alternative is

that is any better.

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

March 8, 2004

Debbie,

Wow, that business about not having allergies when your feelings shut off

is really interesting. I wonder what could be the scientific basis for that?

Anyone have any idea on that?

Best wishes,

BabaClay

At 11:18 PM 3/8/2004, you wrote:

>Scout,

>I also wanted to mention the couple of times I totally lost touch with all

>my feelings. I was unable to feel love, anger, happiness, sadness, any

>feelings at all. I hit an all time stress level and had to turn them all

>off or kill myself. I scared the hell out of my husband the last time it

>happened.

>I turned cold, did as I wanted and didn't give a damn about anything. When

>I finally was able to get my feelings back, I was scared as hell too.

>My husband said that It happened in the blink of an eye that all emotion

>was turned off. For one year I was a totally different person. I had just

>gotten so over loaded with pain that I couldn't deal with it any more. He

>said something that was the breaking point because he was angry with me. I

>couldn't deal with any more.

>That wasn't the first time I had shut off all my feelings like that. The

>first time I did it, it was for several years. It was before him and me

>got together. To say that there was no suicidal tendencies would be

>mistaken. They were very much there, but I couldn't have told you why I

>wanted to die. I was just that out of touch with myself and didn't want my

>feelings back because they hurt so badly.

>The advantage was: No one could hurt me anymore. No one could make me cry,

>no one could make me feel guilty, no one could make me feel bad in any way.

>The disadvantages were: I was unable to feel love, happiness, concern,

>remorse, Joy, or any other good feeling. Yes, I associate remorse as a

>good feeling, because it tells me if I have made a mistake.

>I could do it again if I chose to do so. The reason I don't is because I

>am afraid that I will get stuck in the land of no feeling. I need my

>feelings to guide me through life.

>The weird part of living in the land of no feelings is that I do not

>suffer from allergies in any form. I can wear makeup any time of the year.

>My sinuses do not act up with certain odors. I can wear jewelry and

>clothing that I am normally allergic too.

>But I don't like that person too well. Yes, I am more confident and self

>assured in that land. Nothing gets to me. But I am not alive. I am dead.

>Does that make sense?

>I sometimes try to make sense of what happened when I went there. I do not

>know. Sometimes I wonder if its a mental illness or if its just a safety

>valve that I have when I am overloaded. To shut everything down until I

>can deal with it. Its weird and freaky to me. Its also very scary. So I

>stay away from there now.

> Debbie

>

1!1 BabaClay

March 8, 2004

Scout,

I also wanted to mention the couple of times I totally lost touch with all my

feelings. I was unable to feel love, anger, happiness, sadness, any feelings at

all. I hit an all time stress level and had to turn them all off or kill myself.

I scared the hell out of my husband the last time it happened.

I turned cold, did as I wanted and didn't give a damn about anything. When I

finally was able to get my feelings back, I was scared as hell too.

My husband said that It happened in the blink of an eye that all emotion was

turned off. For one year I was a totally different person. I had just gotten so

over loaded with pain that I couldn't deal with it any more. He said something

that was the breaking point because he was angry with me. I couldn't deal with

any more.

That wasn't the first time I had shut off all my feelings like that. The first

time I did it, it was for several years. It was before him and me got together.

To say that there was no suicidal tendencies would be mistaken. They were very

much there, but I couldn't have told you why I wanted to die. I was just that

out of touch with myself and didn't want my feelings back because they hurt so

badly.

The advantage was: No one could hurt me anymore. No one could make me cry, no

one could make me feel guilty, no one could make me feel bad in any way.

The disadvantages were: I was unable to feel love, happiness, concern, remorse,

Joy, or any other good feeling. Yes, I associate remorse as a good feeling,

because it tells me if I have made a mistake.

I could do it again if I chose to do so. The reason I don't is because I am

afraid that I will get stuck in the land of no feeling. I need my feelings to

guide me through life.

The weird part of living in the land of no feelings is that I do not suffer from

allergies in any form. I can wear makeup any time of the year. My sinuses do not

act up with certain odors. I can wear jewelry and clothing that I am normally

allergic too.

But I don't like that person too well. Yes, I am more confident and self assured

in that land. Nothing gets to me. But I am not alive. I am dead. Does that make

sense?

I sometimes try to make sense of what happened when I went there. I do not know.

Sometimes I wonder if its a mental illness or if its just a safety valve that I

have when I am overloaded. To shut everything down until I can deal with it. Its

weird and freaky to me. Its also very scary. So I stay away from there now.

Debbie

Dealing with STRESS