Handling Behavior Issues at Home

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I wanted to share what has been working well for us at home with our 7yr old. I

echo what others have said about the importance of pursuing effective services

for your child. I know that with Aspergers, even if things are going well at

school, even if we have good therapies in place, behavior and just getting

through daily life can still be a challenge.

This is a reward system we came up with that draws from lots of things we've

tried the past few years. It has been working better for us than anything else

has, so I thought I'd share it.

This system focuses on recognizing good behavior with privileges and prizes on a

level system. The rewards are received *after* the child has earned them, as

opposed to *before* as a bribe.

You will have a short list of clear, concrete rules. These are the things that

will earn them " strikes " (with reminders for kids who need some). Three strikes

and they move back a level. Our kids get strikes for things like Hitting or

hurting people, Screaming at people, Breaking things on purpose, Not

cooperating, Not doing school work, etc.

There are four levels, 1, 2, 3, & 4, with increasing amounts of daily

privileges. You can tweak these to suit what motivates your child and what works

in your household, with two caveats:

1) The goals should be attainable. Don't make the expectations so high that you

know from the start your child won't/can't comply. This just sets everyone up

for failure.

2) You must be consistent, particularly with recognizing good behavior. It's ok

to give reminders before you give a strike. When you feel your child is truly

choosing to ignore a rule (as opposed to not understanding it, or being

dysregulated and *unable* to follow the rules) then you allow the natural

consequences to play out when appropriate, and give a strike.

You design your privileges and rewards according to what motivates your child

(food and treats are not recommended). Our son loves video games, Pokemon cards,

and staying up later, so each level involves more of those things. Our level 1

is a 7:30 bedtime and no screen time/video games at all, ranging up to level 4,

which is an 8:00 bedtime, an hour of screen time (always after homework), and

some Pokemon cards.

This system is relatively simple for us to follow. Each day, all you have to

remember is what level they are on, and how many strikes they have. It also

helps us (parents) to stay praise-focused, which can be hard to do with kids who

constantly disobey and challenge you. We all (here) know that frustration of a

child who will not, or can not, comply with reasonable expectations. We have to

constantly look at things from the child's point of view. Does he truly

understand what's expected? Are his emotions ruling his behavior right now, so

that he can't break through and think clearly?

The hardest thing about this, of course, is following through with consequences

(moving them back a level and reducing privileges) when you know it will result

in rages and tantrums. Our son had to experience a day or two at Level 1 to know

he did not want to stay there. It's not easy to stick with that, but it does pay

off in the long run. Overall this system has worked better for us than anything

else we've tried.

This is just something that has been helping us, and I'm not suggesting it will

work for everyone. There are lots of good books and approaches out there and you

have to identify what works for your family. Let me know if you have questions.

I can email the chart we use if anybody wants it.

Sent from my iPhone