Re: reconciliation attempt- progress (?)

[Guest guest]

Tiki, Who sent the response? Your mom or your sister?

Sylvia

> following is the response to my apology and letter on forgiveness.

I

> actually didn't expect my mom to respond, it's my sister who I

think might

> just have fleas and has the greatest chance of recovery and

reconciliation.

> It's amazing how she was able to use the SWOE book as a method to

deny the

> problem. I'd appreciate any takes on my communication (it follows)

and

> hers. And, I have loaned my book to someone, can anyone remind me

of

> " detach with love/ " tiki

>

>

> this is Mom. Thank you for the anniversary wishes! I am

> > the one who wrote the e-mail before, Having been out of touch

for so long

> brings a challenge as to how to communicate. Have again

reviewed " Stop

> Walking on Eggshells " , pg. 23 is very good advice, " it is very

dangerous to

> diagniosis people, it can only be done by a professional who is

experienced

> in assessing and treating. " Pg. 98 " Detach with Love " sums up how

I feel.

> It has allowed me to look at situations realistically. So I now have

> contentment and happiness in my own

> life and it sounds like you do too for which I am thankful! Hope all

> is well, Love Mom

>

> My response:

>

> > > > Borderline personality is very difficult to diagnose as is

> Narcissistic

> > > > personality disorder. The hardest thing is that most people

who have

> > the diagnosis will never enter a counselors office. It is a

disease of

> > > > self-righteousness that stems out of the need to protect a

very

> injured

> > > self image usually from childhood abuse. These people believe

that they

> alone have all the answers and no one else is to be listened to or

> respected. It eliminates getting any help or allowing any outside

> influences. T he other part of this disease is that people who

are around

> people who have the diagnosis get " fleas " as is described in the

book. By

> being around

> > people with abnormal reactions and distorted versions of reality,

the

> coping mechanisms develop into unhealthy emotional practices.

either

> shutting down, not being able to experience intimacy, raging,

hypervigilance

> or PTSD. Relationships in these systems are in the FOG--based on

Fear

> Obligation and Guilt rather than respect, love, trust and support.

A

> diagnosis is not necessary to examine and improve diseased

behaviors.

> Recovery is possible for those who have fleas--they are able to

adjust their

> behaviors to a healthy level. True borderlines don't have much

chance of

> recovery,, 8 years or more of therapy only net a 50% recovery

rate. There

> are two other " books that have been recommended to me that you may

want to

> look at, " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Why Is it

Always About

> You? These books explain the behaviors that get out of line in the

influence

> of BPD and NPD. And while the Borderline Mother has mother in the

title,

> it describes any kind of borderline behavior. It is my hope that I

may find

> support and validation with members of the family who are only

victims with

> fleas rather than BPD or NPD as is suspected but not diagnosed.

> > > >

> The last time we talked, I appreciated your honesty because it

matched

> > > what I feel from you and the actions that I have been

experiencing.

> You said that you had no respect for me and that you didn't want to

move

> forward toward any kinds of healing because it wouldn't work and it

was too

> painful, it was hopeless. Has this changed? Continuing on this path

with

> knowlege of hopelessness and disrespect would have been an

unhealthy choice

> for me. I was under the understanding that we were on a program

where we

> would discuss, work through therapy,( it was agreed that we would

only

> communicate as long as mom was in therapy and then we discussed

meeting face

> to face after 6 months of therapy, she discontinued therapy without

telling

> me and I could tell from her communications that she was indeed not

seeing

> the therapist, when I confronted her she informed me of her and my

dad's

> disrespect toward me.--she has seen 3 therapists and stopped going

at about

> session 3-6) I actually dreamed that things could work out toward

doing

> something over the holidays with the appropriate work. I wrongly

assumed

> that reconciling the

> > > > family and getting to the point where we could be together

would be

> > > > something you would want. I apologize for that assumption

and did

> > > > appreciate your honesty. It allowed me to fully move forward

in a

> > > different direction. I am happy that your life is full and

that you

> are content. Everyone deserves that. I don't know what it is you

would

> want further than that. What I am hearing is that you are fine and

want

> things as

> > they are. I don't really understand what you want, you have the

lead on

> > this. I will communicate, answer questions honestly, and any

information I

> pass on will come from outside and researched sources, we can

direct any

> > > disrespect towards these colleges of thought rather than to me.

(I plan

> to forward some of the links that have been provided here, if she

requests

> or brings up any questions)

[Guest guest]

Hi Tiki -- I'm trying to respond but it's kinda hard to follow who

said what (sorry...) Anyway, from here it looks like your nada was

basically keeping things cool & casual with the " hope all is well "

closing and she did say that she had " contentment and happiness " in

her own life, for what ever that's worth...and then your response to

her seems like a course on BPD (after she said she thought

self-diagnosis was dangerous...)

I don't think trying to explain the illness to anyone (esp if you

suspect it) is in your best interest. I can empathize with how much

you want your family to understand, and I know how much it hurts to

stay away. Sorry things are so complcated, and I wish I had better

insights....

sunsh

[Guest guest]

>

> I don't think trying to explain the illness to anyone (esp if you

> suspect it) is in your best interest.

I agree with Sunshine...the bottom line is, no matter how hard you

try to explain, your mom might just not want to hear it. Her life

works for her ( probably only her!) and as adult children, we have to

move on. It is difficult to accept - it stinks to be the only person

in a family that sees the big elephant in the living room while

everyone else pretends not to see it. However, it makes you a

stronger person.

Maybe, instead of trying to take care of your mom by explaining her

illness to her, devote that energy to yourself - take up a new

hobby. I believe that if we take care of ourselves first, the BPD in

our lives has less power to make us feel weak and powerless...most of

all, since I've stopped focusing on and telling my mom how crazy she

can be(my mom= daughter of waif/queen BPD with some characteristics

herself), I've stopped really caring about how she lives her

life...because mine is so good:)

IMHO,

Molly

[Guest guest]

" tiki " <jgmahalo@e...> wrote:

> I think I'll have to hear this a thousand times more before I get

it. I think that they have received pieces of the information and it

has made good changes in their lives--but I don't think I'll ever

know. I do know I've felt like crap since the contact--and that

should say it all. thanks, tiki

Yup. And Tiki I thought of something else. Remember your 15 point

" reconciliation " strategy? I remember wondering how much time & energy

it must have taken to pull that together. I remember thinking all that

time/energy could be more wisely utilized by doing something good for

*YOU*!

wanna start a quilting club or something? ;-)

hugs,

~daphne