Re: Help, now my brother's hoovering

February 13, 2004

nicky, I would say, allow yourself plenty of time to consider what is right for

you. there is no rush to reconcile. what is missing from your brother's letter

is how he would support you in this situation. it seems like he wants you to

take responsibility for everything, suck it up, act like he does, all for what

in return? If I were you, I would tell brother that you appreciate his concern

but you need time to really think it through, i would also say that you respect

his opinion and hope that you will get the same courtesy even if you choose to

handle nada in a different way from his way. his way is only right for him and

does not apply to everyone. especially if you are protecting children. Ask

him what support he is willing to lend you in trying situations. is he healthy?

His letter seems ok, he doesn't resort to calling names and he says he wants you

to consider and this is his suggestion. I have gotten similar requests from my

sibs with their suggestion--just ignore the behavior. they say it's worse than

ever but they just ignore it. they don't understand why i stood up to it or why

i walked away. basically it didn't feel good and it wasn't fun. the guilt is

intense but we can't let it impare our better judgement. tiki

Help, now my brother's hoovering

I recieved a letter from my brother today. It said call nada. My

Dad calls every day and says that and now my brother. Stop it!

They just don't get it. My brother thinks I'm punishing her.

Here's alittle of his 6 page letter:

I'm writing you to suggest that you allow relations to normalize

between you and (nada). I know that you and I had a very difficult

time with her when we were growing up. I'm not saying that (nada)

is not without signicant " issues " . I have some very significant

problems with her in many ways. However, within certain parameters,

I can usually get along with her. There are definitely limits to

what that relationship is. I think you can also have some kind of

somewhat positive relationship with her. I also feel that, in the

current situation, the punishment to her seems to far out weigh the

crime. Cutting off communication with her is way harsh. It's

causing a lot of heart ache and pain and denying the girls of a

relationship with their grandparents.

I ask you to reconsider this situation, please re-evaluate the

situation with an even handed view to advantages and disadvantages,

pros and cons. I can't manage to see any advantages in the current

situation. I don't see where it will lead to any desireable end.

Nicky: I have to set some boundaries with her. Help! I'm getting

sunk in guilt.

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February 13, 2004

Nicky,

I just went thru a similar situation with my sisters trying to get me

to re-establish contact. Their motive was not in MY best interest but

in theirs. They needed me to carry some of the load so that they

wouldn't have to. Your brother is probably tired of hearing how much

you hurt your mother, blah, blah and he wants you to resume your role

in the family. BUT we cannot be our true selves in these families.

And so it really comes down to us or them. Also, if you returned,

what purpose and whom would it truly serve? Nobody. You would lose

yourself and you would be contributing to the continuation of abuse.

I tell myself over and over when I feel the guilt: I am not

responsible for making someone else happy; and by being true to

myself I am NOT harming another, they just don't want to get better,

they want me to play the destructive, harmful role so that they can

continue acting out so they try and make me think I am bad/wrong.

Their motives are self serving. That is not the life I want and I

have the right to live the life I want. A healthy mother would WANT

that for me as well. Keep being true to yourself even amidst the

guilt; it will lessen. I just keep walking forward and let all the

feelings fall along the wayside. It helps to read UBM and remember

how things really are when we get lost in the FOG. WE are the ones

who got robbed of a normal, loving childhood but they don't want us

to remember that. Sometimes getting angry is the only way to protect

ourselves too.

> I recieved a letter from my brother today. It said call nada.

My

> Dad calls every day and says that and now my brother. Stop it!

> They just don't get it. My brother thinks I'm punishing her.

> Here's alittle of his 6 page letter:

>

> I'm writing you to suggest that you allow relations to normalize

> between you and (nada). I know that you and I had a very difficult

> time with her when we were growing up. I'm not saying that (nada)

> is not without signicant " issues " . I have some very significant

> problems with her in many ways. However, within certain parameters,

> I can usually get along with her. There are definitely limits to

> what that relationship is. I think you can also have some kind of

> somewhat positive relationship with her. I also feel that, in the

> current situation, the punishment to her seems to far out weigh the

> crime. Cutting off communication with her is way harsh. It's

> causing a lot of heart ache and pain and denying the girls of a

> relationship with their grandparents.

> I ask you to reconsider this situation, please re-evaluate the

> situation with an even handed view to advantages and disadvantages,

> pros and cons. I can't manage to see any advantages in the current

> situation. I don't see where it will lead to any desireable end.

>

> Nicky: I have to set some boundaries with her. Help! I'm getting

> sunk in guilt.

February 13, 2004

Sadly, it seems like your brother " means well. " I used to say a daily

prayer - " God - please protect me from people with good intentions "

as they seemed to be the people that could really mess you up - and

think they were helping you the whole time they did it..

Are you feeling anything besides guilty?

Is is because your brother doesn't understand what you are really

doing (not punishing) and why?

Is there a way you could explain it to him - or would even trying to

explain just complicate matters right now? (i.e. would he be ABLE to

understand - or would he just be one more person who wouldn't " get "

it right now?)

I'm with tiki - take the time you need for YOU to know what YOU want

to do about this - even about responding to your brother.

If he couldn't understand - then it is okay to not try to explain it

to him... or even just thank him for his concern, tell him you are

not doing this as " punishment " but that you really can't explain it

all right now.

Also - his view of nada might be completely different than yours.

Edith posted some stuff awhile back that really pointed out that

nadas put on different masks for EACH person. So EACH of us has a

pretty DIFFERENT experience of the BP. (especially since they like to

do a lot of their " dirty deeds " in private).

I have been amazed at some of the things my sisters have shared. Yet

if I were into denial - I would tend to think my sisters were

exaggerating - because of things *I* didn't see personally. My

sisters experiences do serve to validate my own... yet some of them

are very different.

This could also be the case with your brother. He only sees what she

has shown HIM. He might have NO idea what YOU have seen, if he

doesn't understand the " multiple " personalities of the BP.

Free