Re: Re: Enough! -- on being disinherited

[Guest guest]

" Well, as a matter of fact my Dad's financial

manager said my nada recently wrote me out of their will. This is a

first. (I am from an " owning class " family.) It's funny how I don't

care. It's funny how my friend could not get that. She said money is

important. I should compromise. Spend time with her, just learn how

to do it without taking stuff on. Yuck! "

" Yuck! " is right! I was written out of nada's will in September, supposedly

because " you're lucky to have Doug (a husband) to take care of you and your

sister has no one " .

Lordy, give me strength! Sis has no one because she didn't stand up for her

hubbies/bf's when nada incessantly criticized them, she doesn't like to be

touched, she reads only romances novels & celebrity news, she has no

friends, she's a compulsive shopper and she never makes an effort to get out

& meet people...she's like nada - that's why she doesn't have anyone. Luck

has nothing to do with it.

When nada called to tell me I was disinherited, I bellowed " yeeeee

haaaawww!! " after I hung up the phone! That was the only reason I still put

up with her - guilt that she was leaving her hard-earned money to me.

My disinheritance was also my ticket out of Lillyland (nada's name is Lilly)

and it's the nicest thing she ever did for me.

F :-)

[Guest guest]

db wrote:

" You seem to have your head together. "

:-) Today I'm fine - but I still regularly have days (which sometimes

stretch into a week or more) when I can't seem to get nada & sis out of my

head. It's a lot easier since I joined this group/read the books because

now I know it's just FOG, and in my case it seems to be a matter of simply

hanging in until the FOG lifts. I suspect it's a tad easier for me since

I'm in a safe environment vis a vis nada - she'd have to climb a locked

steel gate then walk 1/4 mile to get to our house...and as the nearest

neighbours are 1/2 mile away, even if she made it to the house there would

be no audience to witness her performance.

" I was in the room when nada took her last breath. I've never said this

to anyone, but mixed in with the grief, there was a huge feeling of

liberation. I used to feel guilty about that -- no more "

I wish that my nada would die. Not out of anger, but because I can't think

of anything positive which she contributes to her family, her community or

the world in general - but I can come up with many negatives. My sis is a

bottomless pit of FOG, my 30-something nephew seems to always be crying when

I see him & nada has already labelled my one year old great-niece as

" spoiled " and " bad " - just because the wee thing used to cry to be cuddled

by her mother when she was a helpless newborn.

She and any future grand-nieces/nephews are the only reason I'm willing to

consider re-establishing contact with my FOO sometime in future: I'd like

the kiddies to have at least one relative who encourages them to think for

themselves & to be proud of themselves just the way they are - but that will

have to wait until I'm futher along in my recovery.

F

[Guest guest]

Hi Free,

I'm glad you reminded me of this tendency of generosity withdrawn. I am

staying with a BP friend at the moment until an exam next weekend. Things

have been quite difficult here this week and I was tempted to go stay with

my nada and then return here for the exam. Nada had invited me to

stay. But when I called, it 'wasn't a good time'. Later she said, " come

ahead " but by then I decided to stick it out here. That also reminds me of

when my nada offered to take care of my dad's mom. When she actually came

down there, my nada could not stand to be in the same room with her, so my

dishrag dad put grandma in the nursing home. When I visited her (grandma)

there to introduce her to my one year old son, she told me that if she had

it to do again, she wouldn't have any kids. I think she felt very

disappointed in what happened with my dad and nada. Can't blame her,

because she had left her lifetime home in CA to go to AZ and live with my

folks, but then ended up in that nursing home in AZ where only my dad would

visit. Bummer. My dad still feels guilty about it, but he had to do what

would make nada happy.

I've recently realized how like my nada my BP friend is. The other day I

was talking to Nada, telling her about BP's shenanigans. Of course it

wasn't particularly validating, as nada (strangely enough....NOT!)

identifies with my BP. I found myself repeating myself until she said,

" You already said that. " Then I realized that I was trying for the

validation that never comes, same trap as I have been in with my BP.

At that moment I briefly jumped off the hamster wheel in the cage. Would

like to stay off!

Best wishes,

BabaClay

At 09:39 PM 2/13/2004, you wrote:

>I remember someone wrote in here recently about how nadas offer to

>help but then let things fall through..

>

>In my case - it was more often my father that did that. I'm not sure

>why. He DID help us - quite a bit in fact - but you could never be

>quite sure what you could count on.

>

>I remember when I brought my son home from the hospital (instead of

>sending him to a residential school). My father had remarked several

>times about how most of our problems were from the people we lived

>around. (I lived in campus housing). I don't know WHERE he got this

>idea... but he had it. Once some guy beat my son up - and my dad

>remarked that it was because of living around " people like that " -

>what did I expect. The funny thing - was I later found out the guy

>was a adjunct instructor in MY OWN department!!! LOL Egads! That was

>a bit " touchy " - to say the least.

>

>Anyway, my father encouraged me to move a few times - and offered

>to " help " with expenses. My parents rent out their old house - and so

>my father promised to put the $300 a month they got from THAT -

>toward rent on a house for me if I moved.

>

>I reached the point I had to move because I had run out of the

>allowed time you could live on campus.

>

>At that time my income was VERY limited because I couldn't work much.

>I couldn't leave my son alone. I couldn't take him with me. And I

>couldn't find anyone willing to watch him for very long. So I took my

>father up on his offer.

>

>Well almost......

>

>I found a few houses I liked - but my father didn't like them. For

>one thing - I had to be VERY careful about the neighborhoods I chose.

>I didn't want to be close to a lot of people at that time. I needed a

>place that was safe for my son - yet a place where other people

>wouldn't be bothered by his odd behaviors enough that they would make

>it hard on us. I told my friend I just wanted to be that " daft woman

>on the hill with her weird son. " but my father couldn't undersand

>that. He kept saying he appreciated what I was trying to do - but I

>couldn't take my son " away " from people... that he needed to be in

>the " community. "

>

>After a few looks at rental houses - my father decided it would be

>wiser to purchase a house rather than waste money on rent. He kept

>sending me to look at houses - but told me that he wasn't sure that

>would " fly " up there (i.e. my mother would be ticked if he bought me

>a house). So then he started sending me to look at trailers. He

>thought one of those would be easier to get my mother's seal of

>approval, I guess.

>

>For some reason - none of that ever got past the planning stage. I

>finally found a place *I* could afford and rented it. But the guy

>took my money, and also rented the house to someone else, AND when I

>got the water turned on - they had to shut it off immdediately

>because the water pipes in the basement were horrid!

>

>So my son and I survived with a combination of staying with friends,

>cheap motels, and sleeping in the car. Meanwhile - my father told me

>I should get an attorney to get my money back from the landlord. Yes.

>Good business advise - but it took ALL I had to SURVIVE. Paying an

>attorney to get money back someday didn't work into my budget.

>

>I finally found a ONE ROOM apartment that I could afford with the

>remaining money and so we moved there...and my son slept on the couch

>and I slept on a cot in the entrance.

>

>And my father did give me the $300 one month.

>

>Something odd though - was one month he gave me $100 and told me to

>add that to the money my mother gave me. She had NOT given me any

>money. So apparently he THOUGHT she was giving me money. So maybe he

>didn't know he wasn't helping, because he thought he was.

>

>I don't know. I also don't know why I didn't tell him she hadn't

>given me any money. It seems like it would have been easy to

>say " What money? Mom didn't give me any money. " But I didn't mention

>it. I was puzzled...and by the time I figured out what MIGHT have

>been going on... it was hard to say anything because that would ahve

>been bringing the topic UP - instead of just responding to what he

>said.

>

>I guess that would have been against the " rules " to " tell on " my

>mother.

>

>I don't know - the whole thing was weird...

>

>Free

1!1 BabaClay