Re: new here...when to know if Im accommodating or enabling...

July 17, 2011

Hi Lynne, It's been my experience with our now 24 year old daughter with aspergers, that you want to make them fit in as much as they can, inform others of any special needs or things that set your kid off. Also I've gone with the idea, we needed to make her as independent as possible as some day we will be dead and gone. RhodaTo: autism-aspergers Sent: Sunday, July

17, 2011 9:09 AMSubject: new here...when to know if Im accommodating or enabling...

My youngest of 6 has recently been diagnosed with AS, she is 9; all these years we were told she had a neurological disorder and mild cp, within a very short time of relocating, she was finally properly diagnosed. There have been lots of changes for us all and having husband out of work does add stress to all of us, being in a new church after 13 yrs of being in the same one is also quite hard on the kids, especially a couple of them. we all love our church and they are wonderful there but I do have concerns about my little one. Kari gets so scared and shakes and cries at the talking about going into Sunday School and now she wont return to childrens church because its too loud. I do allow her into my sunday school class and she is very good and doesnt interrupt at all. How do I know if Im making healthy accommodations vs enabling her to continue to disengage? Is this all typical behavior? To see her in a group of girls and all are laughing

and having fun but her is so hard, kids are really nice to her too but she says herself that she doesnt think like them and really gets bothered when they play dolls and they use their voices to speak for them. Kari says that is not right because they are vinyl and cant talk. Her way of playing is to dress them and tuck them in their beds. Is this also typical play behavior? I guess I want to be sure I dont spoil her and at the same time make it so she never has to do what shes uncomfortable with however I want her to grow and try new things and if its too much then go on to something else but church is a few times weekly. So Im not sure how to handle this. Thank you for suggestions. I am learning and looking forward to learning from all of you also. Take care. Lynne

July 17, 2011

My son's favorite quote is "I am the way I am, stop trying to make me what i'm not." I did try for a long time to try to make him "normal", I finally realized he is his normal and I have to accept it. Believe me I had a good long cry the day I realized it. He is 16, and I just wanted him to do all the fun teenage things that they do, but he dosen't and he is not going to. I was on my way home from work one day and head Kenny Chesney's song The Boys of Fall, and realized he was never gonna have that, and I wanted it more than he did. Those things are not important to him.

To: "autism-aspergers " <autism-aspergers >Sent: Sun, July 17, 2011 9:31:22 AMSubject: Re: new here...when to know if Im accommodating or enabling...

Hi Lynne,

It's been my experience with our now 24 year old daughter with aspergers, that you want to make them fit in as much as they can, inform others of any special needs or things that set your kid off. Also I've gone with the idea, we needed to make her as independent as possible as some day we will be dead and gone. Rhoda

To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sunday, July 17, 2011 9:09 AMSubject: new here...when to know if Im accommodating or enabling...

My youngest of 6 has recently been diagnosed with AS, she is 9; all these years we were told she had a neurological disorder and mild cp, within a very short time of relocating, she was finally properly diagnosed. There have been lots of changes for us all and having husband out of work does add stress to all of us, being in a new church after 13 yrs of being in the same one is also quite hard on the kids, especially a couple of them. we all love our church and they are wonderful there but I do have concerns about my little one. Kari gets so scared and shakes and cries at the talking about going into Sunday School and now she wont return to childrens church because its too loud. I do allow her into my sunday school class and she is very good and doesnt interrupt at all. How do I know if Im making healthy accommodations vs enabling her to continue to disengage? Is this all typical behavior? To see her in a group of girls and all are laughing and

having fun but her is so hard, kids are really nice to her too but she says herself that she doesnt think like them and really gets bothered when they play dolls and they use their voices to speak for them. Kari says that is not right because they are vinyl and cant talk. Her way of playing is to dress them and tuck them in their beds. Is this also typical play behavior? I guess I want to be sure I dont spoil her and at the same time make it so she never has to do what shes uncomfortable with however I want her to grow and try new things and if its too much then go on to something else but church is a few times weekly. So Im not sure how to handle this. Thank you for suggestions. I am learning and looking forward to learning from all of you also. Take care. Lynne

July 18, 2011

Hello Lynne, I think it is a good idea to just expose the kids to social

situations with the idea that they will grow and adjust. My grandson who

will be 7 in about two weeks used to be very touchy in children's church

also because it is so noisy but he has adjusted quite a bit as time has

gone by. His teacher knows what to do for him too. In the main worship

service before the kids are dismissed to children's church he many times

puts his hands over his ears. One time it even hurt my ears and I was

wondering why they have it so loud as a general rule.

He hasn't had many meltdowns since school let out, he used to have them

after school when he came over and was just warn out, now he just tends

to get kind of hostile and anti-social and rude when things start to get

to him. We've all come to realize he is dealing with too much when he is

like that, and the usual things like reprimanding him and telling him to

stop it only makes him worse. What he really likes and needs at these

times is a big hug. This morning when he was touchy at church and I

learned he'd had little sleep the night before so I put my arm around

him and he leaned on me for awhile and about went to sleep. Usually

physical holding or touching calms him.

Anyway after church I always buy everybody lunch and go to the park so

Lucas can go out and play, and was surprised today when he said, " Of

course he didn't want to go because it was raining! " I was kind of

surprised he made up his own mind about that and did not whine. Guess he

did not want to get wet.

Carolyn

Lynne wrote:

>

> My youngest of 6 has recently been diagnosed with AS, she is 9; all

> these years we were told she had a neurological disorder and mild cp,

> within a very short time of relocating, she was finally properly

> diagnosed. There have been lots of changes for us all and having

> husband out of work does add stress to all of us, being in a new

> church after 13 yrs of being in the same one is also quite hard on the

> kids, especially a couple of them. we all love our church and they are

> wonderful there but I do have concerns about my little one. Kari gets

> so scared and shakes and cries at the talking about going into Sunday

> School and now she wont return to childrens church because its too

> loud. I do allow her into my sunday school class and she is very good

> and doesnt interrupt at all. How do I know if Im making healthy

> accommodations vs enabling her to continue to disengage? Is this all

> typical behavior? To see her in a group of girls and all are laughing

> and having fun but her is so hard, kids are really nice to her too but

> she says herself that she doesnt think like them and really gets

> bothered when they play dolls and they use their voices to speak for

> them. Kari says that is not right because they are vinyl and cant

> talk. Her way of playing is to dress them and tuck them in their beds.

> Is this also typical play behavior? I guess I want to be sure I dont

> spoil her and at the same time make it so she never has to do what

> shes uncomfortable with however I want her to grow and try new things

> and if its too much then go on to something else but church is a few

> times weekly. So Im not sure how to handle this. Thank you for

> suggestions. I am learning and looking forward to learning from all of

> you also. Take care. Lynne

>

July 18, 2011

Well, tonight we made progress on accommodations or lack there of. My son likes to steal everyone's attention when he makes drama at the table b/c he doesn't like what is being served. My theory when he was younger was that he didn't like this stuff due to his sensory issues, and should I really push it? Then it got to the point where any food that wasn't on his list of "approved by Tommy" foods it was a battle to get him to eat anything, crying, pounding fists on the table, pushing his plate away, making vomit noises, etc. Now he's almost NINE and I'm so beyond done with his distress at the table. It's one thing if he doesn't like peas and that's it....but the child doesn't like any veggies. Or he likes them but only a certain way. I'm really starting to like the people that came up with the saying, "What is this a resturant?" I thought it was so insensitive before, but now

not so much. He is older and he's going to have to put mind over matter a bit more. He now has to eat his veggies before the rest of the meal and he has to do it quietly. No more drama! The dinner table is a drama free zone! I told him tonight it is rediculous that we should have to listen to all that while we are trying to sit down, have some family time and enjoy the meal. I told him I cannot talk to Daddy, sister or other brother because you are hogging all the attention due to your drama over some silly peas and it's not fair. I went on to explain that there are things that Mommy does that she doesn't like or want to do but just has to do them. I used dishes as an example. I told him I hate doing the dishes, but if I didn't think about all the things that would happen and I played up my end for dramatic effect too. I said, the house would get dirty, I'd have nothing to cook with,

we couldn't eat b/c there would be no clean plates or pots or pans, then you'd get to skinny, starve, and die. (notice the drama on my part) I said does that sound realistic then? Should I not wash the dishes just because I don't like to? He said NO. Then I said that Mommy also doesn't like shots, but I get my flu shot every year to keep from getting the flu. Should I not get my flu shot b/c I don't like shots? Again, he said NO. I said, OK then. That means that YOU need to eat you veggies even though YOU don't WANT to b/c it keeps you healthy and gives you that makes you healthy. And further said you cannot get everything you body needs eating PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES!! (more drama on my part) Anyway, he ate the darn peas and stopped all the drama. I won. I won. I'm doing my happy dance and more importantly I didn't

make him do it just because Mommy said so. He knows why and he knows that the drama was rediculous!

Long story short is when I can, I let it go, but when you pick your battles, be prepared to WIN!! I wasn't willing to give in on the peace at the table or him eating PB and J for breakfast lunch and dinner!

Hang in there!!

To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sun, July 17, 2011 9:09:38 AMSubject: new here...when to know if Im accommodating or enabling...

My youngest of 6 has recently been diagnosed with AS, she is 9; all these years we were told she had a neurological disorder and mild cp, within a very short time of relocating, she was finally properly diagnosed. There have been lots of changes for us all and having husband out of work does add stress to all of us, being in a new church after 13 yrs of being in the same one is also quite hard on the kids, especially a couple of them. we all love our church and they are wonderful there but I do have concerns about my little one. Kari gets so scared and shakes and cries at the talking about going into Sunday School and now she wont return to childrens church because its too loud. I do allow her into my sunday school class and she is very good and doesnt interrupt at all. How do I know if Im making healthy accommodations vs enabling her to continue to disengage? Is this all typical behavior? To see her in a group of girls and all are laughing and having

fun but her is so hard, kids are really nice to her too but she says herself that she doesnt think like them and really gets bothered when they play dolls and they use their voices to speak for them. Kari says that is not right because they are vinyl and cant talk. Her way of playing is to dress them and tuck them in their beds. Is this also typical play behavior? I guess I want to be sure I dont spoil her and at the same time make it so she never has to do what shes uncomfortable with however I want her to grow and try new things and if its too much then go on to something else but church is a few times weekly. So Im not sure how to handle this. Thank you for suggestions. I am learning and looking forward to learning from all of you also. Take care. Lynne

July 18, 2011

aha, I got a big kick out of your conversation with your son,

it was very logical and glad you finally got through to him and you won

this war about the peas...I have not thought of trying that with my

grandson, looks like a lot of work and patience and not sure I can work

up that much all at one time. Yesterday was funny though, we always go

to Mc's after church and he ordered chicken nuggets and then they

didn't give him his barbecue sauce, shish, but did give him his vanilla

shake WITHOUT the whipped cream and cherry, he hates them.

I wasn't sure how to approach him about going to the park, it has become

practically a ritual, get the food, go to the park, we eat in the van

while he plays on the playground and in the sand box and meets new

friends. I was just thinking about it, and he announced like we were all

stupid, " Of course I don't want to go to the park, it is RAINING! "

He was kind of angry about it. But yes logic does work with him sometimes.

But really peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a pretty good meal, I

grew up on them and over here they get 100% whole wheat bread, don't

seem to mind.

Carolyn ;o)

R. Tucker wrote:

>

> Well, tonight we made progress on accommodations or lack there of. My

> son likes to steal everyone's attention when he makes drama at the

> table b/c he doesn't like what is being served. My theory when he was

> younger was that he didn't like this stuff due to his sensory issues,

> and should I really push it? Then it got to the point where any food

> that wasn't on his list of " approved by Tommy " foods it was a battle

> to get him to eat anything, crying, pounding fists on the table,

> pushing his plate away, making vomit noises, etc. Now he's almost

> NINE and I'm so beyond done with his distress at the table. It's one

> thing if he doesn't like peas and that's it....but the child doesn't

> like any veggies. Or he likes them but only a certain way.

> I'm really starting to like the people that came up with the saying,

> " What is this a resturant? " I thought it was so insensitive before,

> but now not so much. He is older and he's going to have to put mind

> over matter a bit more. He now has to eat his veggies before the rest

> of the meal and he has to do it quietly. No more drama! The dinner

> table is a drama free zone! I told him tonight it is rediculous that

> we should have to listen to all that while we are trying to sit down,

> have some family time and enjoy the meal. I told him I cannot talk to

> Daddy, sister or other brother because you are hogging all the

> attention due to your drama over some silly peas and it's not fair. I

> went on to explain that there are things that Mommy does that she

> doesn't like or want to do but just has to do them. I used dishes as

> an example. I told him I hate doing the dishes, but if I didn't think

> about all the things that would happen and I played up my end for

> dramatic effect too. I said, the house would get dirty, I'd have

> nothing to cook with, we couldn't eat b/c there would be no clean

> plates or pots or pans, then you'd get to skinny, starve, and die.

> (notice the drama on my part) I said does that sound realistic then?

> Should I not wash the dishes just because I don't like to? He said

> NO. Then I said that Mommy also doesn't like shots, but I get my flu

> shot every year to keep from getting the flu. Should I not get my flu

> shot b/c I don't like shots? Again, he said NO. I said, OK then.

> That means that YOU need to eat you veggies even though YOU don't WANT

> to b/c it keeps you healthy and gives you that makes you healthy. And

> further said you cannot get everything you body needs eating PEANUT

> BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES!! (more drama on my part) Anyway, he ate

> the darn peas and stopped all the drama. I won. I won. I'm doing my

> happy dance and more importantly I didn't make him do it just because

> Mommy said so. He knows why and he knows that the drama was rediculous!

>

> Long story short is when I can, I let it go, but when you pick your

> battles, be prepared to WIN!! I wasn't willing to give in on the

> peace at the table or him eating PB and J for breakfast lunch and dinner!

>

> Hang in there!!

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> *From:* Lynne

> *To:* autism-aspergers

> *Sent:* Sun, July 17, 2011 9:09:38 AM

> *Subject:* new here...when to know if Im

> accommodating or enabling...