Re: birthdays

[Guest guest]

how awful for you. I nearly eloped because of all the crap from her about

my wedding...so I understand how you feel...good luck

Jackie

> Hey all -

>

> My birthday was Sunday. For years, I didn't get a card, a phone call,

> or anything -- I just chalked it up to general " lameness " on my

> family's part. I'd lower my expectations, and they'd keep not meeting

> them. This was also true for other holidays.

>

> For the last few years, though, I'd get a card or an email for my

> birthday. It felt like a huge victory -- we were starting to establish

> a better relationship again. I was especially enjoying the chance to

> talk with my dad more. My mom has always been the matriarch in the

> family, and I always felt like she was the gatekeeper to my dad. I felt

> I was getting to know my dad for the first time, and he's really a very

> sweet guy.

>

> Last July, things fell apart. My family was in town for my wedding, and

> my mom decided five minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start

> that she wanted to leave. Apparently, she felt I wasn't paying enough

> attention to her. I should mention that my partner and I had spent TONS

> of time finding accommodations for them, figuring out travel options,

> making sure spaces were accessible (my mom is in a wheelchair), even

> tailoring the menu to make sure the food at the reception was stuff

> they (and specifically she) would like. And I was truly happy to do all

> that to make their experience of the day a good one.

>

> Yet all that was thrown out by being super busy after the rehearsal

> dinner -- surprise! we had stuff to do! -- and being gracious hosts to

> *both* our families and other out-of-town friends while we dealt with

> more details.

>

> Fortunately, they stayed -- my partner's family was able to talk to her

> (I couldn't even go downstairs), and my partner read her the riot act.

> " This is our wedding day. The only person your daughter is supposed to

> be thinking about right now is *me*. " The ceremony and reception were

> fantastic. But she hasn't talked to me since. Some time in the early

> fall is when BPD first came on our radar.

>

> So, last Sunday came and went without a call, a card, or an email. I

> knew it wasn't laziness this year, but a specific decision not to

> acknowledge my birthday. Today, I did get a card signed by just my dad

> -- which means my suspicions were correct. I'm grateful that there's a

> second phone line in his room so that I can still talk with him. I

> don't want to lose both parents.

>

> As the kid who was always split good, I'm still not used to such

> absolute silence on her part. My sweetie took me out to dinner, and

> after we parked, I had to sit in the car and cry for half an hour

> before we could go in. I haven't dared pick up my journal for fear that

> once I start writing, I won't be able to stop crying.

>

> I'm getting back into therapy to deal with all the grief of recognizing

> my mom's BPD. I like what someone wrote about needing to discover

> everything that was lost before being able to forgive.

>

> So, happy birthday to my fellow Geminis (and May babies) -- the fact

> that we can still celebrate at all is testament to our strength.

>

> peace,

> journeywork

[Guest guest]

<< So, happy birthday to my fellow Geminis (and May babies) -- the

fact that we can still celebrate at all is testament to our

strength. >>

I just had my 60th birthday and I felt really terrible all day. I

don't acknowledge birthdays of anyone in my family and I would just

as soon they didn't acknowledge mine. Most of them don't.

Birthdays just don't seem like fun. Christmas either. I should

have been a Jehovah's Witness.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

> I just had my 60th birthday and I felt really terrible all day. I

> don't acknowledge birthdays of anyone in my family and I would just

> as soon they didn't acknowledge mine. Most of them don't.

>

> Birthdays just don't seem like fun. Christmas either. I should

> have been a Jehovah's Witness.

>

> - Dan

I'm with you, Dan. Birthdays were always disappointing, somehow it was

always about Mother...and her birthday is the worst. She expected to be

treated as a queen. Christmas was a nightmare. Dad wasn't putting the tree

together properly..the tree wasn't decorated right, everything had to be

exactly symmetrical...can't have two blue globes hanging too close to each

other...last year was the first year I had a tree since I left home 23 years

ago ! I thought, I will not let her/her memories ruin another Christmas...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

> I just had my 60th birthday and I felt really terrible all day. I

> don't acknowledge birthdays of anyone in my family and I would just

> as soon they didn't acknowledge mine. Most of them don't.

>

> Birthdays just don't seem like fun. Christmas either. I should

> have been a Jehovah's Witness.

>

> - Dan

I'm with you, Dan. Birthdays were always disappointing, somehow it was

always about Mother...and her birthday is the worst. She expected to be

treated as a queen. Christmas was a nightmare. Dad wasn't putting the tree

together properly..the tree wasn't decorated right, everything had to be

exactly symmetrical...can't have two blue globes hanging too close to each

other...last year was the first year I had a tree since I left home 23 years

ago ! I thought, I will not let her/her memories ruin another Christmas...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

> I just had my 60th birthday and I felt really terrible all day. I

> don't acknowledge birthdays of anyone in my family and I would just

> as soon they didn't acknowledge mine. Most of them don't.

>

> Birthdays just don't seem like fun. Christmas either. I should

> have been a Jehovah's Witness.

>

> - Dan

I'm with you, Dan. Birthdays were always disappointing, somehow it was

always about Mother...and her birthday is the worst. She expected to be

treated as a queen. Christmas was a nightmare. Dad wasn't putting the tree

together properly..the tree wasn't decorated right, everything had to be

exactly symmetrical...can't have two blue globes hanging too close to each

other...last year was the first year I had a tree since I left home 23 years

ago ! I thought, I will not let her/her memories ruin another Christmas...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

, I don't know about where you live but in my neck of the woods in

the summer they have free or $.25/person matinees of older movies

during the week. Maybe if you can find a place nearby you could take

her for a movie she already knows?

Allie was Dora for Halloween like 5 years straight. Dora must rock for

little girls on spectrum! , an adult speaker with

autism, used to have a speech about why Dora must be on spectrum. He

talked about how she discussed things in series of 3, repeatedly

stimmed her directions, her only friends were animals and make-believe

objects, has to have visual cues such as her map, etc. It really was

funny when you got to thinking about it all.

Debi

-

[Guest guest]

mary what our areas did was of advocate teh need with the theater for

to have a once a month preshowing of just released movies for the

disability populations, so this is of not auitsm specific but for any

one and any age with a disabilty and their families and friends.

they dim of the lights some, the sound is of down but the cost is of

the same and the cost of the food is of the same, but what is of good

it is of okay if the child with autism is of scripting loudly, or

pacing and or jumping and even the crying. because it is of a place

for them to learn to enjoy an outside of the home in a non judging

fashions, we have some kidos with CP there in their chairs too and

they really get the humor parts where much of our kids might not so

their laughter at certain places is of a good peer model of some

things. but also the good foundation of connection for the parents is

of very good too.

I to know of james williams too, he does have of that fashion of

presenting but using characters from the TV and showing how they too

demonstrate of spectrum issues. it is of a good play with humor...

I to also do this but not in my speaks but just in everyday watching

of TV such as on the show of monk there are of to me two different

versions of spectrum portrayed and then " house " the doctor has

another version.

I to see of so much versions of it and even when watching

professionals speak at times on spectrum issues will note how that

they shout of spectrum even though they seem oblivious to their own

version of spectrum. or speak to parents who share they have no clue

where their child got the autism from because no one in the family

has it and yet they metaphorically shout spectrum in all their

actions, thinking, movments and such. as the one doctor teached me

the apple does not fall far from the tree.

sondra

[Guest guest]

theresa it is of set for 10 am on saturdays once a month and the owners

of one of the local autism schools did of this and advocated for it for

the families and so they need to have of so much show regularly to keep

the theater allowing us to do this. so we often know for several months

in a row of what movie and what date it will be of and they are of all

new releases of movies that have just come to the theater so it is of

like a pre-viewing of the show. it is of the same cost but the the

positives is of good and worth the cost when of able to go.... you

might be of even able to find some youth groups in school and or

churches willing to do car washes or fund raisers of this to sponsor

families to attend the event free. this can help of families who are of

low incomes and or have more than one child with special needs.

also it is of set at a time where no others can attend so it is of only

the special needs families so they have of the theater to themselves

but it is of only set for one movie and usually a kid friendly movie/

so you not get of a choice of any movie but the one that has been of

set for that event. other wise it would not be of cost effective to

open up the whole theater to have of only a family or two show up to

each show but this way it does be of cost effective if they show of

only the one film and all the people go to that one.

I to think more and more groups that advocate for people of different

challenges should collaborate more for such community events and have

of more support from community things to sponsor such events.

I to love of it much so when able to go. I to also like it that our

kids and even self can be of self without the stares or being asked to

remove of the kids. As for self if I to get of feared over the sudden

change of sound it causes me a fast hard slap to my own face to get to

my ears and block off the sound.... most in regular theaters if they

see of it laugh to me and even the husband does of this and it is of

not funny when it happens as I to be of ever so fearful of the noise as

it triggers the strong fight or flight and my brain is of trying to

process if safe or not. I to also get of stimmy and so move in my seat

much and self rock or stim to help of me cope it at time, other times

can be of much calm. I to also in regular theraters can not seek

clarity over the movie when it is of happening so lose interest because

not understanding it but in the special needs theater can seek clarity

over it with others and or with my kids who tend to get of thing in

ways that are of not easy for me.

I to also like to hear of the kids get of stimmy and laugh and or see

of them jump about self regulating and being allowed to and not forced

to sit and build to overload. it is of just good to ahve of such things.

sondra