Just when you think it can't get any worse...you're family comes along

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

It's 4:30 in the morning here in TO and I can't sleep. It seems my brain just

can't let go of certain parts of a conversation I had with my brothers yesterday

afternoon.

We (my sister and I) finally had a long called for family (the brothers) pow wow

to discuss issues pertaining to mom and dad's care.

The long and the short of it was that we asked our brothers to pitch in more -

spend some time with my dad or my mom so that my sister and I could have some

kind of a life again and their answer was a resounding " NO " . They are

responsible for 2 days a month - that's all and you'd think that they would want

to see their mother more often anyway while she's still with us.

If the boys had just said no then ok but they didn't. I was treated to a long

discussion about how I should pull back, how concerned they were about my

health. HAH! If they have been so concerned about my health then why didn't one

of them at any time call me up and say " hey, Gourete. I know you've got

pneumonia (or pick any of my other health issues) so you stay home and I'll go

in to see mom today " . Too bad I had not thought of this response at the time.

Then, it was " why don't you let the NH staff do their jobs? " to which I

responded that mom most times won't eat her meals on her own and while the staff

may say that they'll help her eat they don't always do so and mom shouldn't have

to sit in a wet diaper till their next scheduled diaper change which could be

more than 4 hours away.

The eldest brother then commented that they would be alerted by any signs of

neglect. He said that if mom wasn't fed that day or the next that she would

eventually start to lose weight or she'd get rashes . I just couldn't believe

that it is acceptable to him to have mom go days without eating. I then told

him that even if mom can't reach up for her food it doesn't mean that she isn't

hungry and why one earth does she have to starve before she gets any attention

in this regard. Imagine it: allowing your mother to go without eating! Further,

mom had a UTI and they weren't even aware of this!

They said that they couldn't even take dad to his doctors appts because they

aren't on top or what ails him - gee, hang around him every now and again and

they'd be able to figure that one out!

And then to top the icing on the tombstone, the three brothers go on about how I

have gone to the extreme in caregiving for mom, how I am not going to be able to

save her, how I am trying to save the world and how unhealthy it all is.

Well!!!!!!!

You all will be proud to note that I never lost my cool once as I knew that

things could get ugly here - my sister had long ago walked out of this

conversation saying that they were making excuses rather than living up to their

responsibilities (and she is so right there) which left me to deal with these

wackos who happen to be my brothers.

Was I shocked by their response? No more than if they had crawled up behind me

and hit me over the head with a two-by-four!

I then proceeded to tell them that I do not feel comfortable staying at home for

days on end knowing that my mother isn't eating or that she is sitting in shitty

diapers - I started to cry here - that I do not believe I can cure her and that

in fact I was the one who researched this disease and its meds ensuring that mom

is on low doses of everything and even sent them literature about LBD which

clearly states that mom will not survive this one, and that if I had an

apologists attitude or a savior complex just because I can't sit by watching

others suffering and prefer to help those that I can then too F$#@$%^! bad, I'd

take that label and then some.

Ever so happy that my sister has POA and we are now going to hire mom a private

care nurse who will go into the NH, most especially on those 2 days a month that

my 3 brothers were responsible for and that we are going to use mom and dad's

savings to pay for this. We told the boys that there goes their inheritance to

which they all jumped up and said they weren't expecting anything but boy watch

them ask for receipts when the time comes to divide anything remaining.

What a lovely time was had by all.

Hope you all had a better Sunday than I did and that you are all well.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Courage

Please follow this link to learn more about Lewy Body Dementia

http://www.lewybodydementia.org

[Guest guest]

Thank you Kath, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Courage

[Guest guest]

Courage,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this with your brothers. It is hard

enough doing what needs to be done in caregiving without the hassles that seem

to go with dealing with siblings. At least you know what you can expect from

them or should I say what not to expect. When I would call my sister and tell

her that dad wanted to talk to her she would say that she would be over and she

would not show up for about a month. Dad thought that I wasn't telling her what

he wanted and then it was becoming my fault.

You and your sister are doing the best that you can for your parents. You know

that you aren't going to get any help from your brothers, at least they haven't

left you hanging. I guess that my advice would be for you and your sister to

continue to go about doing what needs to be done for your parents and let your

brothers come to you if they want any information. I have had to adopt this

attitude with my sister and so far it seems to be working. It has been how I

have managed to stay sane (I think) and not be angry at my sister all the time.

This doesn't serve any purpose except to upset me. It will be their loss and

they will have to deal with their feelings later.

Take care and I wish you luck. I'm glad that you are feeling better as far as

your pneumonia goes.

Gwen

Just when you think it can't get any worse...you're

family comes along

Hi All,

It's 4:30 in the morning here in TO and I can't sleep. It seems my brain just

can't let go of certain parts of a conversation I had with my brothers yesterday

afternoon.

We (my sister and I) finally had a long called for family (the brothers) pow

wow to discuss issues pertaining to mom and dad's care.

The long and the short of it was that we asked our brothers to pitch in more -

spend some time with my dad or my mom so that my sister and I could have some

kind of a life again and their answer was a resounding " NO " . They are

responsible for 2 days a month - that's all and you'd think that they would want

to see their mother more often anyway while she's still with us.

If the boys had just said no then ok but they didn't. I was treated to a long

discussion about how I should pull back, how concerned they were about my

health. HAH! If they have been so concerned about my health then why didn't one

of them at any time call me up and say " hey, Gourete. I know you've got

pneumonia (or pick any of my other health issues) so you stay home and I'll go

in to see mom today " . Too bad I had not thought of this response at the time.

Then, it was " why don't you let the NH staff do their jobs? " to which I

responded that mom most times won't eat her meals on her own and while the staff

may say that they'll help her eat they don't always do so and mom shouldn't have

to sit in a wet diaper till their next scheduled diaper change which could be

more than 4 hours away.

The eldest brother then commented that they would be alerted by any signs of

neglect. He said that if mom wasn't fed that day or the next that she would

eventually start to lose weight or she'd get rashes . I just couldn't believe

that it is acceptable to him to have mom go days without eating. I then told

him that even if mom can't reach up for her food it doesn't mean that she isn't

hungry and why one earth does she have to starve before she gets any attention

in this regard. Imagine it: allowing your mother to go without eating! Further,

mom had a UTI and they weren't even aware of this!

They said that they couldn't even take dad to his doctors appts because they

aren't on top or what ails him - gee, hang around him every now and again and

they'd be able to figure that one out!

And then to top the icing on the tombstone, the three brothers go on about how

I have gone to the extreme in caregiving for mom, how I am not going to be able

to save her, how I am trying to save the world and how unhealthy it all is.

Well!!!!!!!

You all will be proud to note that I never lost my cool once as I knew that

things could get ugly here - my sister had long ago walked out of this

conversation saying that they were making excuses rather than living up to their

responsibilities (and she is so right there) which left me to deal with these

wackos who happen to be my brothers.

Was I shocked by their response? No more than if they had crawled up behind

me and hit me over the head with a two-by-four!

I then proceeded to tell them that I do not feel comfortable staying at home

for days on end knowing that my mother isn't eating or that she is sitting in

shitty diapers - I started to cry here - that I do not believe I can cure her

and that in fact I was the one who researched this disease and its meds ensuring

that mom is on low doses of everything and even sent them literature about LBD

which clearly states that mom will not survive this one, and that if I had an

apologists attitude or a savior complex just because I can't sit by watching

others suffering and prefer to help those that I can then too

F$#@$%<mailto:F$#@$>^! bad, I'd take that label and then some.

Ever so happy that my sister has POA and we are now going to hire mom a

private care nurse who will go into the NH, most especially on those 2 days a

month that my 3 brothers were responsible for and that we are going to use mom

and dad's savings to pay for this. We told the boys that there goes their

inheritance to which they all jumped up and said they weren't expecting anything

but boy watch them ask for receipts when the time comes to divide anything

remaining.

What a lovely time was had by all.

Hope you all had a better Sunday than I did and that you are all well.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Courage

Please follow this link to learn more about Lewy Body Dementia

http://www.lewybodydementia.org<http://www.lewybodydementia.org/>

[Guest guest]

Courage,

Wish this were not the case, but I sure understand it. Had most of the

same thing here with 3 sons who found it to hard to be Mom???? Did they

think I did not have a hard time. I think your brothers are in denial

and yes they will need to work out their own issues with it someday.

And while we know that, it does not make your and your sisters life any

easier. Guess they never heard the one about more hands make the job

easier. You have got to know how afraid they must be!!!

Hope things are a little better with you. Never did hear how wonderful

that shower was for your daughter.

Lots of Hugs

Donna R

Do you want to read more about Lewy Body? You can also read the

Thistle, the LBD Newsletter. Just click on:

http://www.lbda.org

[Guest guest]

Gwen advised:

I guess that my advice would be for you and your sister to continue to go

about doing what needs to be done for your parents and let your brothers

come to you if they want any information.

*************************

You are lucky that this " tactic " works for you!

carol