Re: Signs of the last days / Jan

[Guest guest]

dear dan,

i read with great interest your letter to jan, and then forwarded it

to my sister. we have made the decision to involve hospice as we

feel certain that our mother is in the final stages of this horrible

disease.

i can see several of the signs you have described and i can't tell

you how much it means to hear from someone who has lost a LO as to

how you can tell the end is near. on the days she is awake for more

than 3 or 4 hours and she reads the morning paper all the way

through, i know she is going to have a pretty good day. but there

are too many days when she does not even read the paper and that has

been a ritual for the past 40 years or more for mom. some days, she

is just too weak and too tired and just wants to go back to bed. she

has often stated in the past days that she wants to feel better the

next day so she can clean up her room - she was the consumate cleaner

in her day - clean behind the toilet paper in the holder!

not to reopen wounds, but you indicated that you tried to contact

your bother and sisters and i am wondering how you knew your mother

was going.

i am the main caregiver for my mother and she lives with me. i

always worry that i will not recognize that she is leaving in time to

let the people who need to know, know. additionially, i have a

daughter in new york that i need to let know in time. our hospice

nurse asked me when she wanted to be here - while mom is still

somewhat lucid or when she dies, and i didn't know. my daughter is

extremely close to my mother and it was a hard question to ask. and

a hard question to answer. i told her to think about it and let me

know.

there are times when she is aware that she is dying and that she is

ready to go - and has indicated that she prays every night for my dad

to come and get her. then there are times that she forgets she is so

sick...as you know the whole ordeal is heartbreaking.

i, too, have read the hospice information and have seen phases that

we have passed - and every now and then she will get a bit of a phase

back..........but it doesn't last for long.

i would appreciate any thing more you can add. i am flying blind

here and appreciate all the information i can get.

thanks,

phyllis

-- In LBDcaregivers , " Dann " <dann@r...> wrote:

>

> Dear Jan,

>

> I suggest that you read through one of the hospice booklets.

> Tears filled my eyes when I first read that booklet, just days

> before my dad passed in 2002. It is written simply, as to be an

easy

> read. For me it was pretty difficult keeping from

> thinking... " well we passed that stage... and we have also passed

> that stage " ... etc.

>

> There are a number of signs on how a person's world shrinks during

> the last weeks and days. Our loved ones give up the things that

> were important to them, a stage at a time. For his last years, my

> father kept a diary, but his written words got fewer and fewer.

> Finally his posts were little more than the day's high and low:

> outside temps.

>

> Stage by stage, both mom and dad stopped doing things that had been

> patterns of a life time. Things like politics, reading portions of

> the paper that had been important, and finally just before they

> stopped reading, all together, even they stopped reading the Obits.

>

> The TV went the same course, till finally they had no interest in

it.

> Toward the end they had no interest in seeing anyone other than

> close caregivers.

>

> For both my mom and dad, just as the hospice book suggested: they

> were much clearer mentally on their last night, before passing the

> next morning. For mom, she wanted certain things around the

> home " cleaned up " . In the last days, I saw that she was having

> trouble focusing her eyes, and her stare became more

> often " vacant " . I think that both of them said their good byes as

> best as they could, and just let go of life, as their last

conscious

> decision. Both mom and dad " let go " weeks before I would have

> guessed. I thought mom would certainly be here for the wedding of

> my oldest daughter.

>

> My mom definately knew me to the very end. When I saw that she

was

> going, I made several telephone calls. I tried to get my brother

> and sisters on the phone, but it wasn't so important, as she had

> said her good byes to them in better days.

>

> Today, now, is always the best time hug your loved one.

>

> Dann

[Guest guest]

Dann,

Thanks so much for your email. I was a little nervous reading it,

afraid that you would speak to what my mother is experiencing and you

did, but I need to know these hard truths if I am going to be at all

helpful to mom, my family and myself.

So true about hugging/telling your family you love them. I try to do so

everyday.

Courage