what kind of discipline do I use

[Guest guest]

Maybe we could get back on track by talking about our successful methods for discipline.For my son had a meltdown (screaming, aggression, cursing, etc), it was like his ability to take in any kind of information or stimulus had been overwhelmed. So

adding to this by talking or touching him didn't help at all. So the first thing he needed was to be led to a place that was quiet so he could calm down. After he calmed down, we could start to try to process what happened.We set some absolute rules. The most important one was this: Any kind of physical aggression resulted in loss of time on tv, computer, wii and nintendo. The degree of aggression determined for how long he lost the privilege. The minimum time was for the rest of the day.There were also behaviors we wanted to reward- like getting angry without hitting or cursing. We wanted to point out that everyone gets angry and that it is okay to feel that way. But there are limits for how we are can express our anger. So when J successfully managed his anger, I would take him out for an early breakfast before school to a nearby Hardies. For this to be effective, I had to maintain excellent communication with his school teachers. I needed them to tell me when Jonah lost electronics or gained a breakfast out. For J, it was (and still is), extremely important for him to feel he has a good chance of succeeding. If he gets discouraged, he completely gives up. So we structured all disciplines and rewards so that he succeeded about 70 to 80% of the time, so he'd remain engaged. At the beginning,

when he had really frequent meltdown, like 4-6 a day, it was really hard to help him see small successes. At that time, we tier the loss of electronics, so that he'd incrementally lost different things, first nintendo, then TV, then computer. That way if he had a fit in the first hour of school, the rest of the day wasn't shot because he knew he had nothing left to lose.One of the main points here I think is that immediate consequences didn't work for J because he couldn't process anything at all when he was in the middle of a

melt-down. He needed time to calm before he could talk about what happened.Reggi Levinreggi@...

[Guest guest]

That is one thing that is hard to get through to people - even

parents - that with some kids trying to teach anything when they are

in a melt-down is pointless.  I know experts say that

reward/punishment has to be as close to the event as possible, but

that doesn't work with kids who can't process anything at that

time.  It took me years to get through to my wife that if she

overwhelmed me with emotional 'stuff', I may agree to whatever she

wanted, but probably wouldn't remember it clearly later.  She still

finds it hard with our son, as she wants him to understand what is

wrong with his actions, and what he should have done/should do in

the future.  His response is not to give in like I do, he just digs

in for a long fight.  He is very much like his mother in some ways

  Sometimes you do just have to remove the person to somewhere

where they can calm down, and then tackle the problem later.

 

Maybe

we could get back on track by talking about our

successful methods for discipline.

For my

son had a meltdown (screaming, aggression, cursing,

etc), it was like his ability to take in any kind of

information or stimulus had been overwhelmed.  So adding

to this by talking or touching him didn't help at all.

 So the first thing he needed was to be led to a place

that was quiet so he could calm down.  After he calmed

down, we could start to try to process what happened.

We set

some absolute rules.  The most important one was this:

Any

kind of physical aggression resulted in loss of time

on tv, computer, wii and nintendo.  The degree of

aggression determined for how long he lost

the privilege. The minimum time was

for the rest of the day.

There were

also behaviors we wanted to reward- like getting angry

without hitting or cursing.  We wanted to point out

that everyone gets angry and that it is okay to feel

that way.  But there are limits for how we are can

express our anger.  So when J successfully managed his

anger, I would take him out for an early breakfast

before school to a nearby Hardies.  

For

this to be effective, I had to maintain excellent

communication with his school teachers.  I needed

them to tell me when Jonah lost electronics or

gained a breakfast out.  

For J, it was (and still is),

extremely important for him to feel he has a good

chance of succeeding.  If he gets discouraged, he

completely gives up.  So we structured all

disciplines and rewards so that he succeeded about

70 to 80% of the time, so he'd remain engaged.  At

the beginning, when he had really frequent meltdown,

like 4-6 a day, it was really hard to help him see

small successes.  At that time, we tier the loss of

electronics, so that he'd incrementally lost

different things, first nintendo, then TV, then

computer.  That way if he had a fit in the first

hour of school, the rest of the day wasn't shot

because he knew he had nothing left to lose.

One of the main

points here I think is that immediate consequences

didn't work for J because he couldn't process

anything at all when he was in the middle of a

melt-down.  He needed time to calm before he could

talk about what happened.

Reggi Levin

reggi@...

[Guest guest]

That is one thing that is hard to get through to people - even

parents - that with some kids trying to teach anything when they are

in a melt-down is pointless.  I know experts say that

reward/punishment has to be as close to the event as possible, but

that doesn't work with kids who can't process anything at that

time.  It took me years to get through to my wife that if she

overwhelmed me with emotional 'stuff', I may agree to whatever she

wanted, but probably wouldn't remember it clearly later.  She still

finds it hard with our son, as she wants him to understand what is

wrong with his actions, and what he should have done/should do in

the future.  His response is not to give in like I do, he just digs

in for a long fight.  He is very much like his mother in some ways

  Sometimes you do just have to remove the person to somewhere

where they can calm down, and then tackle the problem later.

 

Maybe

we could get back on track by talking about our

successful methods for discipline.

For my

son had a meltdown (screaming, aggression, cursing,

etc), it was like his ability to take in any kind of

information or stimulus had been overwhelmed.  So adding

to this by talking or touching him didn't help at all.

 So the first thing he needed was to be led to a place

that was quiet so he could calm down.  After he calmed

down, we could start to try to process what happened.

We set

some absolute rules.  The most important one was this:

Any

kind of physical aggression resulted in loss of time

on tv, computer, wii and nintendo.  The degree of

aggression determined for how long he lost

the privilege. The minimum time was

for the rest of the day.

There were

also behaviors we wanted to reward- like getting angry

without hitting or cursing.  We wanted to point out

that everyone gets angry and that it is okay to feel

that way.  But there are limits for how we are can

express our anger.  So when J successfully managed his

anger, I would take him out for an early breakfast

before school to a nearby Hardies.  

For

this to be effective, I had to maintain excellent

communication with his school teachers.  I needed

them to tell me when Jonah lost electronics or

gained a breakfast out.  

For J, it was (and still is),

extremely important for him to feel he has a good

chance of succeeding.  If he gets discouraged, he

completely gives up.  So we structured all

disciplines and rewards so that he succeeded about

70 to 80% of the time, so he'd remain engaged.  At

the beginning, when he had really frequent meltdown,

like 4-6 a day, it was really hard to help him see

small successes.  At that time, we tier the loss of

electronics, so that he'd incrementally lost

different things, first nintendo, then TV, then

computer.  That way if he had a fit in the first

hour of school, the rest of the day wasn't shot

because he knew he had nothing left to lose.

One of the main

points here I think is that immediate consequences

didn't work for J because he couldn't process

anything at all when he was in the middle of a

melt-down.  He needed time to calm before he could

talk about what happened.

Reggi Levin

reggi@...