Re: Need Advice/Opinions

September 18, 2004

Hey Coyote,

I agree with you that your brother should bring his daughter to see her

grandpa. If she really reacts badly then they can always be separated but

even then I would try to get her to calm down if possible.

Here's a rant:

Now, I know some won't agree with me but I am so sick and tired of society's

current thinking that our children should be sheilded from the realities of

life and instead should be able to escape reality by buying every toy or cut

off pair of shorts and tummy exposing top instead.

I raised both my children to interact with adults and as a consequence they

learned the good and the bad about life. I've never once heard my kids

complain about this and instead they have thanked me a million times over

for not raising them in the " children should be seen and not heard " or

" you'll scar them for life " theory. It may not work for everyone but it

worked for me.

Ok, end of rant.

Courage

Need Advice/Opinions

>In one last attempt to get my whole family together, I decided that

>I would do Thanksgiving Dinner (thats Columbus Day on the US

>Calendar) at my Mother's house and invited my brothers and their

>families. One brother declined. The other one is plans to come.

>Now...my brother lives about 7 or 8 hours away and due to a very

>stressful job, he is not able to visit as frequently as he would

>like. My Dad went into a nursing home in March and my brother has

>not seen him since sometime BEFORE that. ANYWAY....here's the

>problem. My brother has 2 kids, a son who is 14 (not a problem) and

>a daughter who is 7. His daughter has nice memories formed of my

>Dad, and my brother has concerns about bringing her down because he

>doesnt want to traumatize her. It took her 2 years to get over the

>death of her (maternal) grandmother, he said. He asked me what I

>think, and I encouraged him to bring her. She may never get to see

>her Grandpa again and you just cant turn back the hands of time..I

>mean, I would hate for something to happen to my Dad at like

>Christmas and have them regretting that they didnt bring his

>daughter at Thanksgiving. I assured my brother that if Dad is in a

>miserable mood on Thankgiving Day, I will not bring him out...and

>that if he is in a good mood, I will just get him VERY close to

>dinnertime, we'll eat, and I will take him back. I also told my

>brother that Dad has NEVER been " miserable " with my own daughter, he

>still shows much affection for her. OK, I am not trying to sway you

>all, but I would just like your opinions given as if this 7 year old

>were YOUR OWN child. Would you leave her with her existing memories?

>Or would you explain to her that Grandpa might not remember your

>name, and he might say a few things that dont make a lot of sense??

>My own daughter Deidre loves to yap away to Grandpa about school and

>clothes and her friends and I think he is really cool with her.

>Seriously, I wouldnt take her to the NH just to watch him die over

>the years! Its because they both still get some joy out of these

>visits.

>Thanks, guys!

>Coyote/

>

>Welcome to LBDcaregivers.

>

September 26, 2004

my vote, is to explain gently to the 7 year old and let her go see her

grandpa, children are very resilientand she is now2 years older and that makes

a

differet n that at that age it really shows. my 2 cent worh hugs to you and

your family, sharon m

a smile a day keeps the meanies away!!!

laughter is a breath of fresh air!

September 27, 2004

,

I think that our children need the family connections. It is

important that they understand where they come from and feel the

unconditional support that usually comes from families. The

Thanksgiving table is one of the places my children (and me too!)

feel this connection more than most other places.

There is good and bad in every family and I think our children need

to be aware of that too. Maybe it makes them a little more

sensitive ....or feel a little less " bulletproof " as teens...or

hopefully, more compasionate as human beings. I think shielding our

children from the family tragedies or hurts isolates them from a part

of humanity. Illness, pain and death are a part of life. If dealt

with appropriately, a child will be stronger for it.

Although my children are older, they would not have chosen to miss a

minute with their grandfather. He smiled each time either of them

came into the room. Within a day or two of his passing he recognized

my daughters voice and smiled. While she will never forget his pain

and suffering in those last few days, she will also never forget how

much he loved her right up to the end. It will be a warm place in her

heart forever.

Just my opinion.

Hugs,

Lynn

> In one last attempt to get my whole family together, I decided that

> I would do Thanksgiving Dinner (thats Columbus Day on the US

> Calendar) at my Mother's house and invited my brothers and their

> families. One brother declined. The other one is plans to come.

> Now...my brother lives about 7 or 8 hours away and due to a very

> stressful job, he is not able to visit as frequently as he would

> like. My Dad went into a nursing home in March and my brother has

> not seen him since sometime BEFORE that. ANYWAY....here's the

> problem. My brother has 2 kids, a son who is 14 (not a problem) and

> a daughter who is 7. His daughter has nice memories formed of my

> Dad, and my brother has concerns about bringing her down because he

> doesnt want to traumatize her. It took her 2 years to get over the

> death of her (maternal) grandmother, he said. He asked me what I

> think, and I encouraged him to bring her. She may never get to see

> her Grandpa again and you just cant turn back the hands of time..I

> mean, I would hate for something to happen to my Dad at like

> Christmas and have them regretting that they didnt bring his

> daughter at Thanksgiving. I assured my brother that if Dad is in a

> miserable mood on Thankgiving Day, I will not bring him out...and

> that if he is in a good mood, I will just get him VERY close to

> dinnertime, we'll eat, and I will take him back. I also told my

> brother that Dad has NEVER been " miserable " with my own daughter,

he

> still shows much affection for her. OK, I am not trying to sway you

> all, but I would just like your opinions given as if this 7 year

old

> were YOUR OWN child. Would you leave her with her existing

memories?

> Or would you explain to her that Grandpa might not remember your

> name, and he might say a few things that dont make a lot of sense??

> My own daughter Deidre loves to yap away to Grandpa about school

and

> clothes and her friends and I think he is really cool with her.

> Seriously, I wouldnt take her to the NH just to watch him die over

> the years! Its because they both still get some joy out of these

> visits.

> Thanks, guys!

> Coyote/

September 27, 2004

At 09:32 AM 9/27/2004, you wrote:

>I think that our children need the family connections. It is

>important that they understand where they come from and feel the

>unconditional support that usually comes from families. The

>Thanksgiving table is one of the places my children (and me too!)

>feel this connection more than most other places.

Totally agree. I'd add that it makes them understand that in life

there's good times and bad ones, and family sticks together through it

all. I wouldn't expose a child to someone who was either physically or

emotionally threatening, but I do think they're capable of understanding

more than we give them credit for.

dargie

September 27, 2004

Hi Coyote,

This is a tough one and I think I would fall back on my own childhood

to make that decision. As a young child when we would come to

Missouri to visit, I was not allowed to go see my great grandmother

who was kept in a bedroom all alone. I felt very sorry for her, but

my grandmother in her protecting way would not allow us to go in to

see her. When we left to go back to California I had to then go in

and kiss her goodbye. This was scary for me as it was my experience

that the only time a person was kept isolated was if they had a

contagious disease. I was only five years of age. She died after that

visit and I am glad I went into her room to kiss her goodbye, but I

still resent it that I was never allowed to really get to know her.

I think it depends on the child and feel the child should be

consulted and if they feel they want to see tthem then I feel they

should be allowed to do so. My Grandmother did what she thought was

best, but for me I don't think it was. Just my opinion....Hugs...Patti