Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

[Guest guest]

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs. 

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

It's so hard to balance your time with your child with special needs and your time with your husband. However it's so important to include and almost insist that your husband take part in the care of your child as they don't always have a clue when their not in the thick of it on a day to day basis. My hats off to all the parents who are such great advocates for their kids with aspergers. When our daughter was 7 months of age and having seizures, the treatment that worked was shots of steroids in her thighs. I had my husband administer the shot one day and he said, "don't ever ask me to do that again because I never will." He had no idea what this entailed till he gave her the shots and told me, "I don't know how you can do that but you're a stronger person than I am." A parent does what a

parent has to do no matter what when it comes to your kids. My husband was very afraid for our daughter's health and I was bound an determined to do whatever it took to help her be well. Hope this helps, just my experience. Rhoda To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sunday, May 29, 2011 5:25 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

I feel horrible for anyone who has to go through that, sorry to hear that:( I

can't imagine dealing with any of this on my own, and I have to give a lot of

credit to those of you who do.

I can't speak about being a single mom with a special needs child, but this is

my 2 nd marriage with 2 kids previously. We have 5 kids now, and our 2 year old

with recent severe Autism diagnosis another special needs. I know so many

people who's marriages suffer due to the extra of having a special needs child.

This is so sad, but common unfortunately.

Personally some of the husbands need to " man up " lol. Joking...sort of:) I just

wish they would understand how much more their special needs child needs them in

their lives.

We definately have changed our lifestyle to make our marriage work and keep all

our kids happy.

Sorry once again that you are going through this.

Tara

Sent from my iPad

[Guest guest]

I am in the ending part of my divorce and yes, my husband couldnt handle the fact that his son has issues. But the funny, part was that if it works to his advantage like to meet a hockey player or get something out of it, he used it. He actually began an affair with my next door neighbor...kissing her infront of my son. So in the long run you will realize that you and your child(ren) will be better off- out of that negative life situation.

To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sun, May 29, 2011 5:25:42 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?nicola------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for your pain. and the answer to your question is "yes" actually the divorce statistics are alarmingly high for families who have loved ones on the autism spectrum. Myself and others have experienced that the more focus we place on the solutions/accomodations then the greater the chances for success for our loved ones and even our selves. Are you and or your family involved in any local Asperger's support groups? The support groups have also helped my family and many others.To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sun, May 29, 2011 4:55:26 AMSubject: end of marriage because of aspergers child

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately it's not unusual--over 80% of special needs parents wind up divorced. I thank God on my knees daily that my husband and I are hanging in there--it's not easy, but we are very committed. (some days we joke we need to BE committed ;-) It's def. a strain.I think being a step-parent to a teenager is hard in ANY case, but probably double so in special needs. Marriage counseling can be a godsend. MarilynTo: autism-aspergers Sent: Sunday, May 29, 2011 4:55 AMSubject: end of marriage because of aspergers child

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

[Guest guest]

Bless your heart.My heart goes out to you.Having a special needs child is hard especially on a marriage.I am raising a 5 yr old granddaughter who is autistic, her mother is ADHD and out of control, and my husband is in early stages of alzheimers.There are good days and bad but we keep on going. I think the strain of my grown ADHD daughter pushed us close to the divorce stage many times, and still does, but I think only the Grace of God has kept us together. Sometimes it is easier to deal with the situation using your own judgment without the interference of an unhappy spouse. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me any time. ((HUGS)) and best of luck.To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sun, May 29, 2011 2:25:42 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Hi Rhoda,I am so glad that you include your husband in the care of your special child.

I am a father of a 16-year-old daughter with autism living on the Big Island of Hawaii.

When we have children with special needs we all have to redefine our own gender roles to better serve our children and our spouses. If we do not do this we will be faced with a failed marriage, which hurts all of the family members.That is why I went back to school so can better help my special daughter and other parents who experience similar hardships in life. I want to invite special parents like us to participate in my current doctoral study. The survey only takes

10 minutes and both parents can take it.

My research website is: http://www.autismparentresearch.com/Aloha, Nino

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

it's quite amicable. he sees the kids regularly else I would be tearing my hair out.

I am in the ending part of my divorce and yes, my husband couldnt handle the fact that his son has issues.  But the funny, part was that if it works to his advantage like to meet a hockey player or get something out of it, he used it.  He actually began an affair with my next door neighbor...kissing her infront of my son.  So in the long run you will realize that you and your child(ren) will be better off- out of that negative life situation. 

To: autism-aspergers

Sent: Sun, May 29, 2011 5:25:42 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

 

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs. 

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Hi,

While divorce sometimes happens " because of the (name the symptom or disease or

condition) child " , it is not always the rule. It is extremely difficult with a

high needs child. If one of the spouses is also high needs, this becomes very

tough. I know that you are heartbroken. Is there any way therapy can be

introduced into the picture?

And, harsh as this sounds, it is NOT the child's fault. It takes guts and grit

and 100% commitment when one has a child or adult with an injury or disorder of

some type. A lot of people just don't have the guts and grit. Marriages often

break-up when one of the partners suffers burns, stroke, brain injury,

paralysis, etc. It's the guts and grit part. This is when you find out that love

is not enough. Love with guts, grit, and skill is what is needed. So, it may be

tempting to blame the partner who is leaving, blame the child, blame yourself.

Don't waste your energy. Love your child, recognize that your spouse is

overwhelmed and may not be equipped for the guts and grit part, and be kind to

yourself and those around you.

I know. When my father was burned (60% 3rd degree, all of head and hands, plus

other parts of body involved), my mother stuck with him. She learned that she

was in the minority of military wives who stay after this kind of traumatic

injury. When she became very ill, my father stayed.. also beating the odds. I

learned as a child what kind of guts and grit it takes. Those early lessons have

been a blessing. A lot of people just don't have that level of staying power

because they haven't had tough stuff in their lives. If this is step-father, he

may not have the deep commitment as part of his relationship with your son or

you. As painful as this is, it's much better to find out now, rather than down

the road.

We see a lot of families break apart at the serious illness or disability of a

child. Parenthood/marriage is not for wimps. Perhaps your spouse is giving you a

call for help. Perhaps he lacks the skills (interpersonal or coping) to deal

with high needs teen who may not fit your spouse's mental picture of what a teen

is supposed to be/act. Perhaps you can get/introduce the concept of marriage

therapy. It may be that your spouse needs some help working with grief due to

loss of a dream of the " perfect marriage " or " perfect child " . Maybe you both

need some time to figure out how to cope better. Or, maybe he really is

finished. In that case, you need to take care of yourself and your child(ren)

and avoid the nightmare of retaliation by attorney/court. You are still the

parent and you need some kindness to yourself and your child(ren).

Priscilla

>

> My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with

my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a

solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found

that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

> nicola

>

[Guest guest]

Well now, I am wondering why it is the faTHER  or the husband who always gets freedom, I am the mom of three on the spectrum and my partner has decided he needs space etc and a place to drink beer, why not at home with beer I ask,you dont like it  ahhahahaaaa I am the one going to the beer store to have it in the house for hockey games and I dont drink,

anyhow now that he has his job and his money and his time to pick his arse, all alone, I am still stuck in the house with the kids, nice job honey and childrens aid is up thyn butt and after apprehantion of the youngest who is nine, but I am not to tell them he doesnt live here for the past twwo years because the kida are only here because of him???WHAT?

\I am so tired of the crap I deal with.

 

Wish he would hve left sooner, I would have been just fine.

 

Hi,While divorce sometimes happens " because of the (name the symptom or disease or condition) child " , it is not always the rule. It is extremely difficult with a high needs child. If one of the spouses is also high needs, this becomes very tough. I know that you are heartbroken. Is there any way therapy can be introduced into the picture?

And, harsh as this sounds, it is NOT the child's fault. It takes guts and grit and 100% commitment when one has a child or adult with an injury or disorder of some type. A lot of people just don't have the guts and grit. Marriages often break-up when one of the partners suffers burns, stroke, brain injury, paralysis, etc. It's the guts and grit part. This is when you find out that love is not enough. Love with guts, grit, and skill is what is needed. So, it may be tempting to blame the partner who is leaving, blame the child, blame yourself. Don't waste your energy. Love your child, recognize that your spouse is overwhelmed and may not be equipped for the guts and grit part, and be kind to yourself and those around you.

I know. When my father was burned (60% 3rd degree, all of head and hands, plus other parts of body involved), my mother stuck with him. She learned that she was in the minority of military wives who stay after this kind of traumatic injury. When she became very ill, my father stayed.. also beating the odds. I learned as a child what kind of guts and grit it takes. Those early lessons have been a blessing. A lot of people just don't have that level of staying power because they haven't had tough stuff in their lives. If this is step-father, he may not have the deep commitment as part of his relationship with your son or you. As painful as this is, it's much better to find out now, rather than down the road.

We see a lot of families break apart at the serious illness or disability of a child. Parenthood/marriage is not for wimps. Perhaps your spouse is giving you a call for help. Perhaps he lacks the skills (interpersonal or coping) to deal with high needs teen who may not fit your spouse's mental picture of what a teen is supposed to be/act. Perhaps you can get/introduce the concept of marriage therapy. It may be that your spouse needs some help working with grief due to loss of a dream of the " perfect marriage " or " perfect child " . Maybe you both need some time to figure out how to cope better. Or, maybe he really is finished. In that case, you need to take care of yourself and your child(ren) and avoid the nightmare of retaliation by attorney/court. You are still the parent and you need some kindness to yourself and your child(ren).

Priscilla >> My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

> nicola>

[Guest guest]

my husband didnt show up and no caLL this long weekend agai I am having to pull things out of theair to get by on the weekend I thought I could get the laundry done and mow the 4 hours of grass

lucky you

 

it's quite amicable. he sees the kids regularly else I would be tearing my hair out.

I am in the ending part of my divorce and yes, my husband couldnt handle the fact that his son has issues.  But the funny, part was that if it works to his advantage like to meet a hockey player or get something out of it, he used it.  He actually began an affair with my next door neighbor...kissing her infront of my son.  So in the long run you will realize that you and your child(ren) will be better off- out of that negative life situation. 

To: autism-aspergers

Sent: Sun, May 29, 2011 5:25:42 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child 

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs. 

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola ------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

lucky you

 

it's quite amicable. he sees the kids regularly else I would be tearing my hair out.

I am in the ending part of my divorce and yes, my husband couldnt handle the fact that his son has issues.  But the funny, part was that if it works to his advantage like to meet a hockey player or get something out of it, he used it.  He actually began an affair with my next door neighbor...kissing her infront of my son.  So in the long run you will realize that you and your child(ren) will be better off- out of that negative life situation. 

To: autism-aspergers

Sent: Sun, May 29, 2011 5:25:42 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child 

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs. 

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola ------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

most times a relationship breaks up the kids stay with the mother. I know there are exceptions but this is how it is most of the time. that's what they must find more comfortable.

Well now, I am wondering why it is the faTHER  or the husband who always gets freedom, I am the mom of three on the spectrum and my partner has decided he needs space etc and a place to drink beer, why not at home with beer I ask,you dont like it  ahhahahaaaa I am the one going to the beer store to have it in the house for hockey games and I dont drink,

anyhow now that he has his job and his money and his time to pick his arse, all alone, I am still stuck in the house with the kids, nice job honey and childrens aid is up thyn butt and after apprehantion of the youngest who is nine, but I am not to tell them he doesnt live here for the past twwo years because the kida are only here because of him???WHAT?

\I am so tired of the crap I deal with.

 

Wish he would hve left sooner, I would have been just fine.

 

Hi,While divorce sometimes happens " because of the (name the symptom or disease or condition) child " , it is not always the rule. It is extremely difficult with a high needs child. If one of the spouses is also high needs, this becomes very tough. I know that you are heartbroken. Is there any way therapy can be introduced into the picture?

And, harsh as this sounds, it is NOT the child's fault. It takes guts and grit and 100% commitment when one has a child or adult with an injury or disorder of some type. A lot of people just don't have the guts and grit. Marriages often break-up when one of the partners suffers burns, stroke, brain injury, paralysis, etc. It's the guts and grit part. This is when you find out that love is not enough. Love with guts, grit, and skill is what is needed. So, it may be tempting to blame the partner who is leaving, blame the child, blame yourself. Don't waste your energy. Love your child, recognize that your spouse is overwhelmed and may not be equipped for the guts and grit part, and be kind to yourself and those around you.

I know. When my father was burned (60% 3rd degree, all of head and hands, plus other parts of body involved), my mother stuck with him. She learned that she was in the minority of military wives who stay after this kind of traumatic injury. When she became very ill, my father stayed.. also beating the odds. I learned as a child what kind of guts and grit it takes. Those early lessons have been a blessing. A lot of people just don't have that level of staying power because they haven't had tough stuff in their lives. If this is step-father, he may not have the deep commitment as part of his relationship with your son or you. As painful as this is, it's much better to find out now, rather than down the road.

We see a lot of families break apart at the serious illness or disability of a child. Parenthood/marriage is not for wimps. Perhaps your spouse is giving you a call for help. Perhaps he lacks the skills (interpersonal or coping) to deal with high needs teen who may not fit your spouse's mental picture of what a teen is supposed to be/act. Perhaps you can get/introduce the concept of marriage therapy. It may be that your spouse needs some help working with grief due to loss of a dream of the " perfect marriage " or " perfect child " . Maybe you both need some time to figure out how to cope better. Or, maybe he really is finished. In that case, you need to take care of yourself and your child(ren) and avoid the nightmare of retaliation by attorney/court. You are still the parent and you need some kindness to yourself and your child(ren).

Priscilla >> My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

> nicola>

[Guest guest]

, I am also in your position. I wonder how much my daughter's difficulties play into the breakup of the marriage.Sherri 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.To: autism-aspergers Sent: Sunday, May 29, 2011 2:25 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

Hello Lea, I am reading all these posts here about marriages ending and

chose to respond to yours because I agree with what you said; " I think

only the Grace of God has kept us together. " I remember years ago when

our son was first diagnosed and they wanted me to put him in the state

institution, one of the psychologists trying to persuade me one day

said; " But don't you understand your husband will turn to drugs and

alcohol, he will leave you, your children will resent you too...! " If I

kept my son at home.

Well I DID IT ANYWAY, kept my son at home, and yes my husband did turn

to alcohol, we divorced, and he died of alcoholism after that,

cirrhosis, even though he'd quit drinking. We were married for 31 years.

And our oldest son also turned to alcohol, but has since quit drinking

when he health went bad a few years ago, my second son never did drink

and made a success of his life, and my youngest, a daughter, turned to

alcohol also and married an alcoholic, but has since quit drinking when

her health began to fade.

And what I did was I turned AGAINST alcohol and TURNED TO THE LORD! Back

in 1973. After that my son was terrible, his meltdowns and seizures were

terrible, but he went to school anyway. I got him up got him ready and

took him, also took my other three children. Life went on and the grace

of God WAS sufficient! Eventually after my divorce I chose another man

to share my life with who had much old baggage in his life, not alcohol

or drugs but trouble with the law, and THAT has been a new experience,

but we've been together 24 years now and he helps me take care of my son.

Guess all I can say about it all now is people make their own choices

based upon their own thoughts about what is right and wrong, etc. I made

mine because I had always had faith in Jesus anyway, and when things got

bad for me I knew I had to seek Him with all of my heart. I knew He was

going to be the ONLY ONE who would help me, and it has proven to be true

as hardly anything else has ever helped him. What happened is I got more

strength and he eventually settled down, thank God!

So here I am 69 years old and I just took 5 of my grandkids swimming

yesterday at the wave pool. My son Jeff was down with his wife and two

kids and so I took them and my daughter's three kids swimming. The

little guy Lucas who they say has aspergers now had a great time in the

pool. Jeff said he thinks he is on the spectrum as he's always had

" social " issues and is the one with a masters degree in mathematics and

computer science. He chose NEVER to drink, said the probabilities were

not good for him becoming an alcoholic. Smart kid. When we went swimming

Jeff and his wife went over to help my mom. She is almost 93 and they

took her to the store and then sat and played a game of Scrabble with her.

So would my husband have become an alcoholic if he'd not had an autistic

son.?I know he drank before he was ever born, we used to drink together,

it was his choice not to quit when I quit. I was a mother with 4 kids to

raise and knew I could not continue being a party girl so I turned to

the Lord for help, and He helped me, and that is what I still do every

single day.

People make choices, we all make choices, can't blame, can't guilt, we

just all choose, that's all.

Carolyn OR ;o) think the sun might FINALLY come out for Memorial Day, my

dad died 44 years ago yesterday. Onward!

Lea Hutto wrote:

>

> Bless your heart.My heart goes out to you.Having a special needs child

> is hard especially on a marriage.I am raising a 5 yr old granddaughter

> who is autistic, her mother is ADHD and out of control, and my husband

> is in early stages of alzheimers.There are good days and bad but we

> keep on going. I think the strain of my grown ADHD daughter pushed us

> close to the divorce stage many times, and still does, but I think

> only the Grace of God has kept us together. Sometimes it is easier to

> deal with the situation using your own judgment without the

> interference of an unhappy spouse. If you ever need to talk, please

> feel free to email me any time. ((HUGS)) and best of luck.

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> *From:* Ponzio

> *To:* autism-aspergers

> *Sent:* Sun, May 29, 2011 2:25:42 AM

> *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of aspergers

> child

>

>

>

> I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son

> is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

>

> On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

> > wrote:

>

> My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant

> deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never

> tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control

> him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal

> with the kids and left?

> nicola

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>

[Guest guest]

my marriage break up is mainly due to disrespect and a difference in values. I value monogamy and he clearly didn't. also the relationship was very abusive. what led to the separation was an incident a week before my youngest son was born. I was 38 weeks pregnant in December of 2009 and he pushed me up against a wall. I called the cops on him and kicked him out. it was the straw that broke the camels' back proverbially though there were other incidents of violence previously, I am too forgiving. also he swore at me in front of the kids on numerous occasions, was emotionally abusive and wouldn't let me spend his money as I wasn't the one who was earning it (I have been a stay at home mum since December of 2007) and still now thinks that all I do all day is sit on my ass and watch TV like Peggy Bundy from Married with Children. to top it all off, he is gay so any counselling we could have had to sort out our issues would have been pointless as he is not interested in being faithful to me as his wife and he was in constant contact with other men. you can't change peoples' sexuality so I am accepting that I am now a single mum of 3 kids under the age of 5 and my oldest is moderately autistic and my youngest who is only 17 months old is exhibiting a lot of the same behaviours that are common to kids with autism.

, I am also in your position.  I wonder how much my daughter's difficulties play into the breakup of the marriage.

Sherri  15:5  I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

To: autism-aspergers

Sent: Sunday, May 29, 2011 2:25 AMSubject: Re: end of marriage because of aspergers child

 

I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs. 

My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

nicola

------------------------------------

[Guest guest]

I think everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. some people drink, others smoke, others take drugs, others gamble, others spend too much money etc. they are all vices that have their consequences but a lot of the time people either think they don't have a problem or when they are confronted with the enormity of their problem they think it is no big deal and they are able to handle it. whatever situation they face, they are incapable of dealing with the stress. some people have more of an addictive personality than others. so I don't think autism is the only cause of a person becoming alcoholic. there are more positive ways to deal with stress than turning to alcohol. just my opinion.

Hello Lea, I am reading all these posts here about marriages ending and

chose to respond to yours because I agree with what you said;   " I think

only the Grace of God has kept us together. "  I remember years ago when

our son was first diagnosed and they wanted me to put him in the state

institution, one of the psychologists trying to persuade me one day

said; " But don't you understand your husband will turn to drugs and

alcohol,  he will leave you, your children will resent you too...! " If I

kept my son at home.

Well I DID IT ANYWAY, kept my son at home, and yes my husband did turn

to alcohol, we divorced, and he died of alcoholism after that,

cirrhosis, even though he'd quit drinking. We were married for 31 years.

And our oldest son also turned to alcohol, but has since quit drinking

when he health went bad a few years ago, my second son never did drink

and made a success of his life, and my youngest, a daughter, turned to

alcohol also and married an alcoholic, but has since quit drinking when

her health began to fade.

And what I did was I turned AGAINST alcohol and TURNED TO THE LORD! Back

in 1973. After that my son was terrible, his meltdowns and seizures were

terrible, but he went to school anyway. I got him up got him ready and

took him, also took my other three children. Life went on and the grace

of God WAS sufficient! Eventually after my divorce I chose another man

to share my life with who had much old baggage in his life, not alcohol

or drugs but trouble with the law, and THAT has been a new experience,

but we've been together 24 years now and he helps me take care of my son.

Guess all I can say about it all now is people make their own choices

based upon their own thoughts about what is right and wrong, etc. I made

mine because I had always had faith in Jesus anyway, and when things got

bad for me I knew I had  to seek Him with all of my heart. I knew He was

going to be the ONLY ONE who would help me, and it has proven to be true

as hardly anything else has ever helped him. What happened is I got more

strength and he eventually settled down, thank God!

So here I am 69 years old and I just took 5 of my grandkids swimming

yesterday at the wave pool. My son Jeff was down with his wife and two

kids and so I took them and my daughter's three kids swimming. The

little guy Lucas who they say has aspergers now had a great time in the

pool. Jeff said he thinks he is on the spectrum as he's always had

" social " issues and is the one with a masters degree in mathematics and

computer science. He chose NEVER to drink, said the probabilities were

not good for him becoming an alcoholic. Smart kid. When we went swimming

Jeff and his wife went over to help my mom. She is almost 93 and they

took her to the store and then sat and played a game of Scrabble with her.

So would my husband have become an alcoholic if he'd not had an autistic

son.?I know he drank before he was ever born, we used to drink together,

it was his choice not to quit when I quit. I was a mother with 4 kids to

raise and knew I could not continue being a party girl so I turned to

the Lord for help, and He helped me, and that is what I still do every

single day.

People make choices, we all make choices, can't blame, can't guilt, we

just all choose, that's all.

Carolyn OR ;o) think the sun might FINALLY come out for Memorial Day, my

dad died 44 years ago yesterday. Onward!

Lea Hutto wrote:

>

> Bless your heart.My heart goes out to you.Having a special needs child

> is hard especially on a marriage.I am raising a 5 yr old granddaughter

> who is autistic, her mother is ADHD and out of control, and my husband

> is in early stages of alzheimers.There are good days and bad but we

> keep on going. I think the strain of my grown ADHD daughter pushed us

> close to the divorce stage many times, and still does, but I think

> only the Grace of God has kept us together. Sometimes it is easier to

> deal with the situation using your own judgment without the

> interference of an unhappy spouse. If you ever need to talk, please

> feel free to email me any time. ((HUGS)) and best of luck.

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> *From:* Ponzio

> *To:* autism-aspergers

> *Sent:* Sun, May 29, 2011 2:25:42 AM

> *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of aspergers

> child

>

>

>

> I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our son

> is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

>

> On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

> > wrote:

>

>     My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant

>     deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never

>     tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control

>     him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal

>     with the kids and left?

>     nicola

>

>

>

>     ------------------------------------

>

>    

[Guest guest]

Hi , it does sound like the different values are the cause of your

marriage breakup.

On my decree it said " irreconcilable differences. " My husband did not

want to come home to me and the kids but would rather stay in the bar

with his " friends " who loved him and understood him while we did not

according to him. However, I noticed at his funeral none of his friends

showed up. He was my ex-husband then but I put together his funeral at

the little church we used to go to for our children's sake, and to show

respect for their father. It was a tough time for me at the time because

our autistic son Marty was in the ICU very sick and I didn't even know

if he would live, he had epiglottitis and his throat was closed up from

strep infection he couldn't fight off, and he was on a ventilator.

I think all any of us can do is make choices based on our own

consciences. I remember when I saw my son couldn't breath that day after

my ex had died, I was babbling to the ambulance driver who was taking my

son to the hospital about my the funeral I was planning and he said, " My

ex-wife would never do that for me! "

It was crazy but we got through it by the grace of God and my son lived

and came home about a month later!

Carolyn ;o)

Ponzio wrote:

>

> my marriage break up is mainly due to disrespect and a difference in

> values. I value monogamy and he clearly didn't. also the relationship

> was very abusive. what led to the separation was an incident a week

> before my youngest son was born. I was 38 weeks pregnant in December

> of 2009 and he pushed me up against a wall. I called the cops on him

> and kicked him out. it was the straw that broke the camels' back

> proverbially though there were other incidents of violence previously,

> I am too forgiving. also he swore at me in front of the kids on

> numerous occasions, was emotionally abusive and wouldn't let me spend

> his money as I wasn't the one who was earning it (I have been a stay

> at home mum since December of 2007) and still now thinks that all I do

> all day is sit on my ass and watch TV like Peggy Bundy from Married

> with Children. to top it all off, he is gay so any counselling we

> could have had to sort out our issues would have been pointless as he

> is not interested in being faithful to me as his wife and he was in

> constant contact with other men. you can't change peoples' sexuality

> so I am accepting that I am now a single mum of 3 kids under the age

> of 5 and my oldest is moderately autistic and my youngest who

> is only 17 months old is exhibiting a lot of the same behaviours that

> are common to kids with autism.

>

> On 31 May 2011 02:53, Sherri Cline <aml4dbc@...

> > wrote:

>

>

>

> , I am also in your position. I wonder how much my daughter's

> difficulties play into the breakup of the marriage.

> Sherri

> 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in

> me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can

> do nothing.

>

> *From:* Ponzio >

> *To:* autism-aspergers

> <mailto:autism-aspergers >

> *Sent:* Sunday, May 29, 2011 2:25 AM

> *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

> aspergers child

>

> I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our

> son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

>

> On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

> > wrote:

>

> My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he

> cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he

> has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and

> tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their

> husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

> nicola

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree there are more positive things to deal with stress than

alcoholism, having lived through the results of that choice in the

people I love. It doesn't help just makes matters worse till they die.

And too don't you think it an odd thing for a state psychologist saying

Here this is the REASON your husband and children will turn to alcohol,

it will be because YOU choose to do what is right according to your heart...

They were crazy, I was only 23 years old then and knew they were crazy

and they were evil, who LOCKS UP a little sick child and separates him

from his mother for the rest of his life!!

It is true, it happened to thousands whose parents did not say no to

them, right here in the U.S.A., not a Communist country..

Look up, " Finding Molly " for a very interesting account of this...a

brother looking for his sister who disappeared.

Carolyn

Ponzio wrote:

>

> I think everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. some people

> drink, others smoke, others take drugs, others gamble, others spend

> too much money etc. they are all vices that have their consequences

> but a lot of the time people either think they don't have a problem or

> when they are confronted with the enormity of their problem they think

> it is no big deal and they are able to handle it. whatever situation

> they face, they are incapable of dealing with the stress. some people

> have more of an addictive personality than others. so I don't think

> autism is the only cause of a person becoming alcoholic. there are

> more positive ways to deal with stress than turning to alcohol. just

> my opinion.

>

> On 31 May 2011 03:29, Carolyn <charper777@...

> > wrote:

>

> Hello Lea, I am reading all these posts here about marriages

> ending and

> chose to respond to yours because I agree with what you said; " I think

> only the Grace of God has kept us together. " I remember years ago when

> our son was first diagnosed and they wanted me to put him in the state

> institution, one of the psychologists trying to persuade me one day

> said; " But don't you understand your husband will turn to drugs and

> alcohol, he will leave you, your children will resent you too...! "

> If I

> kept my son at home.

>

> Well I DID IT ANYWAY, kept my son at home, and yes my husband did turn

> to alcohol, we divorced, and he died of alcoholism after that,

> cirrhosis, even though he'd quit drinking. We were married for 31

> years.

> And our oldest son also turned to alcohol, but has since quit drinking

> when he health went bad a few years ago, my second son never did drink

> and made a success of his life, and my youngest, a daughter, turned to

> alcohol also and married an alcoholic, but has since quit drinking

> when

> her health began to fade.

>

> And what I did was I turned AGAINST alcohol and TURNED TO THE

> LORD! Back

> in 1973. After that my son was terrible, his meltdowns and

> seizures were

> terrible, but he went to school anyway. I got him up got him ready and

> took him, also took my other three children. Life went on and the

> grace

> of God WAS sufficient! Eventually after my divorce I chose another man

> to share my life with who had much old baggage in his life, not

> alcohol

> or drugs but trouble with the law, and THAT has been a new experience,

> but we've been together 24 years now and he helps me take care of

> my son.

>

> Guess all I can say about it all now is people make their own choices

> based upon their own thoughts about what is right and wrong, etc.

> I made

> mine because I had always had faith in Jesus anyway, and when

> things got

> bad for me I knew I had to seek Him with all of my heart. I knew

> He was

> going to be the ONLY ONE who would help me, and it has proven to

> be true

> as hardly anything else has ever helped him. What happened is I

> got more

> strength and he eventually settled down, thank God!

>

> So here I am 69 years old and I just took 5 of my grandkids swimming

> yesterday at the wave pool. My son Jeff was down with his wife and two

> kids and so I took them and my daughter's three kids swimming. The

> little guy Lucas who they say has aspergers now had a great time

> in the

> pool. Jeff said he thinks he is on the spectrum as he's always had

> " social " issues and is the one with a masters degree in

> mathematics and

> computer science. He chose NEVER to drink, said the probabilities were

> not good for him becoming an alcoholic. Smart kid. When we went

> swimming

> Jeff and his wife went over to help my mom. She is almost 93 and they

> took her to the store and then sat and played a game of Scrabble

> with her.

>

> So would my husband have become an alcoholic if he'd not had an

> autistic

> son.?I know he drank before he was ever born, we used to drink

> together,

> it was his choice not to quit when I quit. I was a mother with 4

> kids to

> raise and knew I could not continue being a party girl so I turned to

> the Lord for help, and He helped me, and that is what I still do every

> single day.

>

> People make choices, we all make choices, can't blame, can't guilt, we

> just all choose, that's all.

>

> Carolyn OR ;o) think the sun might FINALLY come out for Memorial

> Day, my

> dad died 44 years ago yesterday. Onward!

>

>

>

> Lea Hutto wrote:

> >

> > Bless your heart.My heart goes out to you.Having a special needs

> child

> > is hard especially on a marriage.I am raising a 5 yr old

> granddaughter

> > who is autistic, her mother is ADHD and out of control, and my

> husband

> > is in early stages of alzheimers.There are good days and bad but we

> > keep on going. I think the strain of my grown ADHD daughter

> pushed us

> > close to the divorce stage many times, and still does, but I think

> > only the Grace of God has kept us together. Sometimes it is

> easier to

> > deal with the situation using your own judgment without the

> > interference of an unhappy spouse. If you ever need to talk, please

> > feel free to email me any time. ((HUGS)) and best of luck.

> >

> >

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> > *From:* Ponzio >

> > *To:* autism-aspergers

> <mailto:autism-aspergers >

> > *Sent:* Sun, May 29, 2011 2:25:42 AM

> > *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

> aspergers

> > child

> >

> >

> >

> > I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think

> our son

> > is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

> >

> > On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

>

> > >> wrote:

> >

> > My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant

> > deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never

> > tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control

> > him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal

> > with the kids and left?

> > nicola

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

my younger son had croup at 1am the other night (it's a common childhood illness where they struggle to breathe) and I couldn't contact his dad by phone and had to bring all 3 kids to hospital with me. Jay went by ambulance and I drove the other 2 and followed behind the ambulance by car. shocking but true. a near death experience like this and he made excuses about his cell phone being out of range when we live in suburban Melbourne. I was livid.

Hi , it does sound like the different values are the cause of your

marriage breakup.

On my decree it said " irreconcilable differences. " My husband did not

want to come home to me and the kids but would rather stay in the bar

with his " friends " who loved him and understood him while we did not

according to him. However, I noticed at his funeral none of his friends

showed up. He was my ex-husband then but I put together his funeral at

the little church we used to go to for our children's sake, and to show

respect for their father. It was a tough time for me at the time because

our autistic son Marty was in the ICU very sick and I didn't even know

if he would live, he had epiglottitis and his throat was closed up from

strep infection he couldn't fight off, and he was on a ventilator.

I think all any of us can do is make choices based on our own

consciences. I remember when I saw my son couldn't breath that day after

my ex had died, I was babbling to the ambulance driver who was taking my

son to the hospital about my the funeral I was planning and he said, " My

ex-wife would never do that for me! "

It was crazy but we got through it by the grace of God and my son lived

and came home about a month later!

Carolyn ;o)

Ponzio wrote:

>

> my marriage break up is mainly due to disrespect and a difference in

> values. I value monogamy and he clearly didn't. also the relationship

> was very abusive. what led to the separation was an incident a week

> before my youngest son was born. I was 38 weeks pregnant in December

> of 2009 and he pushed me up against a wall. I called the cops on him

> and kicked him out. it was the straw that broke the camels' back

> proverbially though there were other incidents of violence previously,

> I am too forgiving. also he swore at me in front of the kids on

> numerous occasions, was emotionally abusive and wouldn't let me spend

> his money as I wasn't the one who was earning it (I have been a stay

> at home mum since December of 2007) and still now thinks that all I do

> all day is sit on my ass and watch TV like Peggy Bundy from Married

> with Children. to top it all off, he is gay so any counselling we

> could have had to sort out our issues would have been pointless as he

> is not interested in being faithful to me as his wife and he was in

> constant contact with other men. you can't change peoples' sexuality

> so I am accepting that I am now a single mum of 3 kids under the age

> of 5 and my oldest is moderately autistic and my youngest who

> is only 17 months old is exhibiting a lot of the same behaviours that

> are common to kids with autism.

>

> On 31 May 2011 02:53, Sherri Cline <aml4dbc@...

> > wrote:

>

>

>

>     , I am also in your position. I wonder how much my daughter's

>     difficulties play into the breakup of the marriage.

>     Sherri

>     15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in

>     me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can

>     do nothing.

>

>     *From:* Ponzio >

>     *To:* autism-aspergers

>     <mailto:autism-aspergers >

>     *Sent:* Sunday, May 29, 2011 2:25 AM

>     *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

>     aspergers child

>

>     I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our

>     son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

>

>     On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

>     > wrote:

>

>         My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he

>         cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he

>         has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and

>         tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their

>         husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

>         nicola

>

>

>

>         ------------------------------------

>

>        

[Guest guest]

not as much was known about autism 23 years ago. put it down to that womans' ignorance.

I agree there are more positive things to deal with stress than

alcoholism, having lived through the results of that choice in the

people I love. It doesn't help just makes matters worse till they die.

And too don't you think it an odd thing for a state psychologist saying

Here this is the REASON your husband and children will turn to alcohol,

it will be because YOU choose to do what is right according to your heart...

They were crazy, I was only 23 years old then and knew they were crazy

and they were evil, who LOCKS UP a little sick child and separates him

from his mother for the rest of his life!!

It is true, it happened to thousands whose parents did not say no to

them, right here in the U.S.A., not a Communist country..

Look up, " Finding Molly " for a very interesting account of this...a

brother looking for his sister who disappeared.

Carolyn

Ponzio wrote:

>

> I think everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. some people

> drink, others smoke, others take drugs, others gamble, others spend

> too much money etc. they are all vices that have their consequences

> but a lot of the time people either think they don't have a problem or

> when they are confronted with the enormity of their problem they think

> it is no big deal and they are able to handle it. whatever situation

> they face, they are incapable of dealing with the stress. some people

> have more of an addictive personality than others. so I don't think

> autism is the only cause of a person becoming alcoholic. there are

> more positive ways to deal with stress than turning to alcohol. just

> my opinion.

>

> On 31 May 2011 03:29, Carolyn <charper777@...

> > wrote:

>

>     Hello Lea, I am reading all these posts here about marriages

>     ending and

>     chose to respond to yours because I agree with what you said; " I think

>     only the Grace of God has kept us together. " I remember years ago when

>     our son was first diagnosed and they wanted me to put him in the state

>     institution, one of the psychologists trying to persuade me one day

>     said; " But don't you understand your husband will turn to drugs and

>     alcohol, he will leave you, your children will resent you too...! "

>     If I

>     kept my son at home.

>

>     Well I DID IT ANYWAY, kept my son at home, and yes my husband did turn

>     to alcohol, we divorced, and he died of alcoholism after that,

>     cirrhosis, even though he'd quit drinking. We were married for 31

>     years.

>     And our oldest son also turned to alcohol, but has since quit drinking

>     when he health went bad a few years ago, my second son never did drink

>     and made a success of his life, and my youngest, a daughter, turned to

>     alcohol also and married an alcoholic, but has since quit drinking

>     when

>     her health began to fade.

>

>     And what I did was I turned AGAINST alcohol and TURNED TO THE

>     LORD! Back

>     in 1973. After that my son was terrible, his meltdowns and

>     seizures were

>     terrible, but he went to school anyway. I got him up got him ready and

>     took him, also took my other three children. Life went on and the

>     grace

>     of God WAS sufficient! Eventually after my divorce I chose another man

>     to share my life with who had much old baggage in his life, not

>     alcohol

>     or drugs but trouble with the law, and THAT has been a new experience,

>     but we've been together 24 years now and he helps me take care of

>     my son.

>

>     Guess all I can say about it all now is people make their own choices

>     based upon their own thoughts about what is right and wrong, etc.

>     I made

>     mine because I had always had faith in Jesus anyway, and when

>     things got

>     bad for me I knew I had to seek Him with all of my heart. I knew

>     He was

>     going to be the ONLY ONE who would help me, and it has proven to

>     be true

>     as hardly anything else has ever helped him. What happened is I

>     got more

>     strength and he eventually settled down, thank God!

>

>     So here I am 69 years old and I just took 5 of my grandkids swimming

>     yesterday at the wave pool. My son Jeff was down with his wife and two

>     kids and so I took them and my daughter's three kids swimming. The

>     little guy Lucas who they say has aspergers now had a great time

>     in the

>     pool. Jeff said he thinks he is on the spectrum as he's always had

>     " social " issues and is the one with a masters degree in

>     mathematics and

>     computer science. He chose NEVER to drink, said the probabilities were

>     not good for him becoming an alcoholic. Smart kid. When we went

>     swimming

>     Jeff and his wife went over to help my mom. She is almost 93 and they

>     took her to the store and then sat and played a game of Scrabble

>     with her.

>

>     So would my husband have become an alcoholic if he'd not had an

>     autistic

>     son.?I know he drank before he was ever born, we used to drink

>     together,

>     it was his choice not to quit when I quit. I was a mother with 4

>     kids to

>     raise and knew I could not continue being a party girl so I turned to

>     the Lord for help, and He helped me, and that is what I still do every

>     single day.

>

>     People make choices, we all make choices, can't blame, can't guilt, we

>     just all choose, that's all.

>

>     Carolyn OR ;o) think the sun might FINALLY come out for Memorial

>     Day, my

>     dad died 44 years ago yesterday. Onward!

>

>

>

>     Lea Hutto wrote:

>     >

>     > Bless your heart.My heart goes out to you.Having a special needs

>     child

>     > is hard especially on a marriage.I am raising a 5 yr old

>     granddaughter

>     > who is autistic, her mother is ADHD and out of control, and my

>     husband

>     > is in early stages of alzheimers.There are good days and bad but we

>     > keep on going. I think the strain of my grown ADHD daughter

>     pushed us

>     > close to the divorce stage many times, and still does, but I think

>     > only the Grace of God has kept us together. Sometimes it is

>     easier to

>     > deal with the situation using your own judgment without the

>     > interference of an unhappy spouse. If you ever need to talk, please

>     > feel free to email me any time. ((HUGS)) and best of luck.

>     >

>     >

>     ------------------------------------------------------------------------

>     > *From:* Ponzio >

>     > *To:* autism-aspergers

>     <mailto:autism-aspergers >

>     > *Sent:* Sun, May 29, 2011 2:25:42 AM

>     > *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

>     aspergers

>     > child

>     >

>     >

>     >

>     > I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think

>     our son

>     > is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

>     >

>     > On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

>    

>     > >> wrote:

>     >

>     > My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant

>     > deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never

>     > tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control

>     > him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal

>     > with the kids and left?

>     > nicola

>     >

>     >

>     >

>     > ------------------------------------

>     >

>     >

[Guest guest]

The whole system was ignorant then, hopefully people are not as much so

now but I don't think that is necessarily true they aren't, because

everybody seems to start from 1, no matter if history is to 100, every

generations seems to start at 1 inventing the wheel again. Sad but true.

Carolyn

Ponzio wrote:

>

> not as much was known about autism 23 years ago. put it down to that

> womans' ignorance.

>

> On 31 May 2011 03:58, Carolyn <charper777@...

> > wrote:

>

> I agree there are more positive things to deal with stress than

> alcoholism, having lived through the results of that choice in the

> people I love. It doesn't help just makes matters worse till they die.

> And too don't you think it an odd thing for a state psychologist

> saying

> Here this is the REASON your husband and children will turn to

> alcohol,

> it will be because YOU choose to do what is right according to

> your heart...

>

> They were crazy, I was only 23 years old then and knew they were crazy

> and they were evil, who LOCKS UP a little sick child and separates him

> from his mother for the rest of his life!!

>

> It is true, it happened to thousands whose parents did not say no to

> them, right here in the U.S.A., not a Communist country..

>

> Look up, " Finding Molly " for a very interesting account of this...a

> brother looking for his sister who disappeared.

>

> Carolyn

>

>

> Ponzio wrote:

> >

> > I think everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. some

> people

> > drink, others smoke, others take drugs, others gamble, others spend

> > too much money etc. they are all vices that have their consequences

> > but a lot of the time people either think they don't have a

> problem or

> > when they are confronted with the enormity of their problem they

> think

> > it is no big deal and they are able to handle it. whatever situation

> > they face, they are incapable of dealing with the stress. some

> people

> > have more of an addictive personality than others. so I don't think

> > autism is the only cause of a person becoming alcoholic. there are

> > more positive ways to deal with stress than turning to alcohol. just

> > my opinion.

> >

> > On 31 May 2011 03:29, Carolyn <charper777@...

>

> > >>

> wrote:

> >

> > Hello Lea, I am reading all these posts here about marriages

> > ending and

> > chose to respond to yours because I agree with what you said; " I

> think

> > only the Grace of God has kept us together. " I remember years

> ago when

> > our son was first diagnosed and they wanted me to put him in the

> state

> > institution, one of the psychologists trying to persuade me one day

> > said; " But don't you understand your husband will turn to drugs and

> > alcohol, he will leave you, your children will resent you too...! "

> > If I

> > kept my son at home.

> >

> > Well I DID IT ANYWAY, kept my son at home, and yes my husband

> did turn

> > to alcohol, we divorced, and he died of alcoholism after that,

> > cirrhosis, even though he'd quit drinking. We were married for 31

> > years.

> > And our oldest son also turned to alcohol, but has since quit

> drinking

> > when he health went bad a few years ago, my second son never did

> drink

> > and made a success of his life, and my youngest, a daughter,

> turned to

> > alcohol also and married an alcoholic, but has since quit drinking

> > when

> > her health began to fade.

> >

> > And what I did was I turned AGAINST alcohol and TURNED TO THE

> > LORD! Back

> > in 1973. After that my son was terrible, his meltdowns and

> > seizures were

> > terrible, but he went to school anyway. I got him up got him

> ready and

> > took him, also took my other three children. Life went on and the

> > grace

> > of God WAS sufficient! Eventually after my divorce I chose

> another man

> > to share my life with who had much old baggage in his life, not

> > alcohol

> > or drugs but trouble with the law, and THAT has been a new

> experience,

> > but we've been together 24 years now and he helps me take care of

> > my son.

> >

> > Guess all I can say about it all now is people make their own

> choices

> > based upon their own thoughts about what is right and wrong, etc.

> > I made

> > mine because I had always had faith in Jesus anyway, and when

> > things got

> > bad for me I knew I had to seek Him with all of my heart. I knew

> > He was

> > going to be the ONLY ONE who would help me, and it has proven to

> > be true

> > as hardly anything else has ever helped him. What happened is I

> > got more

> > strength and he eventually settled down, thank God!

> >

> > So here I am 69 years old and I just took 5 of my grandkids swimming

> > yesterday at the wave pool. My son Jeff was down with his wife

> and two

> > kids and so I took them and my daughter's three kids swimming. The

> > little guy Lucas who they say has aspergers now had a great time

> > in the

> > pool. Jeff said he thinks he is on the spectrum as he's always had

> > " social " issues and is the one with a masters degree in

> > mathematics and

> > computer science. He chose NEVER to drink, said the

> probabilities were

> > not good for him becoming an alcoholic. Smart kid. When we went

> > swimming

> > Jeff and his wife went over to help my mom. She is almost 93 and

> they

> > took her to the store and then sat and played a game of Scrabble

> > with her.

> >

> > So would my husband have become an alcoholic if he'd not had an

> > autistic

> > son.?I know he drank before he was ever born, we used to drink

> > together,

> > it was his choice not to quit when I quit. I was a mother with 4

> > kids to

> > raise and knew I could not continue being a party girl so I

> turned to

> > the Lord for help, and He helped me, and that is what I still do

> every

> > single day.

> >

> > People make choices, we all make choices, can't blame, can't

> guilt, we

> > just all choose, that's all.

> >

> > Carolyn OR ;o) think the sun might FINALLY come out for Memorial

> > Day, my

> > dad died 44 years ago yesterday. Onward!

> >

> >

> >

> > Lea Hutto wrote:

> > >

> > > Bless your heart.My heart goes out to you.Having a special needs

> > child

> > > is hard especially on a marriage.I am raising a 5 yr old

> > granddaughter

> > > who is autistic, her mother is ADHD and out of control, and my

> > husband

> > > is in early stages of alzheimers.There are good days and bad

> but we

> > > keep on going. I think the strain of my grown ADHD daughter

> > pushed us

> > > close to the divorce stage many times, and still does, but I think

> > > only the Grace of God has kept us together. Sometimes it is

> > easier to

> > > deal with the situation using your own judgment without the

> > > interference of an unhappy spouse. If you ever need to talk,

> please

> > > feel free to email me any time. ((HUGS)) and best of luck.

> > >

> > >

> >

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

> > > *From:* Ponzio <leary121@...

> <mailto:leary121@...

> >>

> > > *To:* autism-aspergers

> <mailto:autism-aspergers >

> > <mailto:autism-aspergers

> <mailto:autism-aspergers >>

> > > *Sent:* Sun, May 29, 2011 2:25:42 AM

> > > *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

> > aspergers

> > > child

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think

> > our son

> > > is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

> > >

> > > On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

>

> > >

> > >

> >>> wrote:

> > >

> > > My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he cant

> > > deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he has never

> > > tried to find a solution and just gets angry and tries to control

> > > him. Has anyone else found that their husbands/wives cant deal

> > > with the kids and left?

> > > nicola

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Oh wow croup can be bad, that is sort of what my son had too, his throat

was closing up and it was an emergency situation, a spasm could have

killed him in seconds. There is a kind that is not as life threatening

but the mother doesn't know which is which at the time. I hope your son

is better now. Your husband seems to have abdicated his responsibility

of parenthood to you. Sad but a lot of men do that.

Carolyn

Ponzio wrote:

>

> my younger son had croup at 1am the other night (it's a common

> childhood illness where they struggle to breathe) and I couldn't

> contact his dad by phone and had to bring all 3 kids to hospital with

> me. Jay went by ambulance and I drove the other 2 and followed behind

> the ambulance by car. shocking but true. a near death experience like

> this and he made excuses about his cell phone being out of range when

> we live in suburban Melbourne. I was livid.

>

> On 31 May 2011 03:51, Carolyn <charper777@...

> > wrote:

>

> Hi , it does sound like the different values are the cause of your

> marriage breakup.

>

> On my decree it said " irreconcilable differences. " My husband did not

> want to come home to me and the kids but would rather stay in the bar

> with his " friends " who loved him and understood him while we did not

> according to him. However, I noticed at his funeral none of his

> friends

> showed up. He was my ex-husband then but I put together his funeral at

> the little church we used to go to for our children's sake, and to

> show

> respect for their father. It was a tough time for me at the time

> because

> our autistic son Marty was in the ICU very sick and I didn't even know

> if he would live, he had epiglottitis and his throat was closed up

> from

> strep infection he couldn't fight off, and he was on a ventilator.

>

> I think all any of us can do is make choices based on our own

> consciences. I remember when I saw my son couldn't breath that day

> after

> my ex had died, I was babbling to the ambulance driver who was

> taking my

> son to the hospital about my the funeral I was planning and he

> said, " My

> ex-wife would never do that for me! "

>

> It was crazy but we got through it by the grace of God and my son

> lived

> and came home about a month later!

>

> Carolyn ;o)

>

> Ponzio wrote:

> >

> > my marriage break up is mainly due to disrespect and a difference in

> > values. I value monogamy and he clearly didn't. also the

> relationship

> > was very abusive. what led to the separation was an incident a week

> > before my youngest son was born. I was 38 weeks pregnant in December

> > of 2009 and he pushed me up against a wall. I called the cops on him

> > and kicked him out. it was the straw that broke the camels' back

> > proverbially though there were other incidents of violence

> previously,

> > I am too forgiving. also he swore at me in front of the kids on

> > numerous occasions, was emotionally abusive and wouldn't let me

> spend

> > his money as I wasn't the one who was earning it (I have been a stay

> > at home mum since December of 2007) and still now thinks that

> all I do

> > all day is sit on my ass and watch TV like Peggy Bundy from Married

> > with Children. to top it all off, he is gay so any counselling we

> > could have had to sort out our issues would have been pointless

> as he

> > is not interested in being faithful to me as his wife and he was in

> > constant contact with other men. you can't change peoples' sexuality

> > so I am accepting that I am now a single mum of 3 kids under the age

> > of 5 and my oldest is moderately autistic and my youngest who

> > is only 17 months old is exhibiting a lot of the same behaviours

> that

> > are common to kids with autism.

> >

> > On 31 May 2011 02:53, Sherri Cline <aml4dbc@...

>

> > >> wrote:

> >

> >

> >

> > , I am also in your position. I wonder how much my daughter's

> > difficulties play into the breakup of the marriage.

> > Sherri

> > 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in

> > me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can

> > do nothing.

> >

> > *From:* Ponzio <leary121@...

> <mailto:leary121@...

> >>

> > *To:* autism-aspergers

> <mailto:autism-aspergers >

> > <mailto:autism-aspergers

> <mailto:autism-aspergers >>

> > *Sent:* Sunday, May 29, 2011 2:25 AM

> > *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

> > aspergers child

> >

> > I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our

> > son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

> >

> > On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

>

> > >> wrote:

> >

> > My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he

> > cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he

> > has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and

> > tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their

> > husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

> > nicola

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

he's ok for now. but it can reoccur. I have the steroids the hospital prescribed for him in my fridge in case of emergencies. it has a 1 year expiry date on it.

Oh wow croup can be bad, that is sort of what my son had too, his throat

was closing up and it was an emergency situation, a spasm could have

killed him in seconds. There is a kind that is not as life threatening

but the mother doesn't know which is which at the time. I hope your son

is better now. Your husband seems to have abdicated his responsibility

of parenthood to you. Sad but a lot of men do that.

Carolyn

Ponzio wrote:

>

> my younger son had croup at 1am the other night (it's a common

> childhood illness where they struggle to breathe) and I couldn't

> contact his dad by phone and had to bring all 3 kids to hospital with

> me. Jay went by ambulance and I drove the other 2 and followed behind

> the ambulance by car. shocking but true. a near death experience like

> this and he made excuses about his cell phone being out of range when

> we live in suburban Melbourne. I was livid.

>

> On 31 May 2011 03:51, Carolyn <charper777@...

> > wrote:

>

>     Hi , it does sound like the different values are the cause of your

>     marriage breakup.

>

>     On my decree it said " irreconcilable differences. " My husband did not

>     want to come home to me and the kids but would rather stay in the bar

>     with his " friends " who loved him and understood him while we did not

>     according to him. However, I noticed at his funeral none of his

>     friends

>     showed up. He was my ex-husband then but I put together his funeral at

>     the little church we used to go to for our children's sake, and to

>     show

>     respect for their father. It was a tough time for me at the time

>     because

>     our autistic son Marty was in the ICU very sick and I didn't even know

>     if he would live, he had epiglottitis and his throat was closed up

>     from

>     strep infection he couldn't fight off, and he was on a ventilator.

>

>     I think all any of us can do is make choices based on our own

>     consciences. I remember when I saw my son couldn't breath that day

>     after

>     my ex had died, I was babbling to the ambulance driver who was

>     taking my

>     son to the hospital about my the funeral I was planning and he

>     said, " My

>     ex-wife would never do that for me! "

>

>     It was crazy but we got through it by the grace of God and my son

>     lived

>     and came home about a month later!

>

>     Carolyn ;o)

>

>     Ponzio wrote:

>     >

>     > my marriage break up is mainly due to disrespect and a difference in

>     > values. I value monogamy and he clearly didn't. also the

>     relationship

>     > was very abusive. what led to the separation was an incident a week

>     > before my youngest son was born. I was 38 weeks pregnant in December

>     > of 2009 and he pushed me up against a wall. I called the cops on him

>     > and kicked him out. it was the straw that broke the camels' back

>     > proverbially though there were other incidents of violence

>     previously,

>     > I am too forgiving. also he swore at me in front of the kids on

>     > numerous occasions, was emotionally abusive and wouldn't let me

>     spend

>     > his money as I wasn't the one who was earning it (I have been a stay

>     > at home mum since December of 2007) and still now thinks that

>     all I do

>     > all day is sit on my ass and watch TV like Peggy Bundy from Married

>     > with Children. to top it all off, he is gay so any counselling we

>     > could have had to sort out our issues would have been pointless

>     as he

>     > is not interested in being faithful to me as his wife and he was in

>     > constant contact with other men. you can't change peoples' sexuality

>     > so I am accepting that I am now a single mum of 3 kids under the age

>     > of 5 and my oldest is moderately autistic and my youngest who

>     > is only 17 months old is exhibiting a lot of the same behaviours

>     that

>     > are common to kids with autism.

>     >

>     > On 31 May 2011 02:53, Sherri Cline <aml4dbc@...

>    

>     > >> wrote:

>     >

>     >

>     >

>     > , I am also in your position. I wonder how much my daughter's

>     > difficulties play into the breakup of the marriage.

>     > Sherri

>     > 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in

>     > me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can

>     > do nothing.

>     >

>     > *From:* Ponzio <leary121@...

>     <mailto:leary121@...

>     >>

>     > *To:* autism-aspergers

>     <mailto:autism-aspergers >

>     > <mailto:autism-aspergers

>     <mailto:autism-aspergers >>

>     > *Sent:* Sunday, May 29, 2011 2:25 AM

>     > *Subject:* Re: end of marriage because of

>     > aspergers child

>     >

>     > I'm going through a marriage break up right now. I don't think our

>     > son is to blame though it doesn't help that he has additional needs.

>     >

>     > On 29 May 2011 18:55, nicola hall <alocin4@...

>    

>     > >> wrote:

>     >

>     > My marriage of 5yrs has just ended because my husband says he

>     > cant deal with my 15yr old asperger son, I am heartbroken, he

>     > has never tried to find a solution and just gets angry and

>     > tries to control him. Has anyone else found that their

>     > husbands/wives cant deal with the kids and left?

>     > nicola

>     >

>     >

>     >

>     > ------------------------------------

>     >

>     >