Re: autism and playdates

[Guest guest]

Hi Rikke,

Is your daughter an only child?  My daughter will be 9 in May.  She is dx'd

mild-moderate autism.  She's an only child.  I have had to facilitate all her

friendships up until last year.  She has some friends, but it is hard for her

to 'play' or maintain play because of her lack of comprehension.  She has

learned to be very independent in her play.  I do help out whenever necessary

during playdates.  I don't ever leave her anywhere.  Besides the autism, she

also has an anxiety disorder and therefore I know she'd become anxious if I

left.  I don't mind intervening when the play seems to turn into a

disagreement.  I think its helpful when I give concrete, step by step

instructions or reasons for something.  I do however, try to let the children

solve their own dilemma's first, if possible.  This way, they won't always

expect someone to rush in and make things better.  Problem solving is a skill

all children should learn, however, if the problem is too big for the kids, then

intervening is the thing to do.

Maybe in your case, if your daughter is having more disagreements with her

friend during a playdate, you should try to have a 'playdate' agenda in place. 

Such as, pull out a tea set, a boardgame, some specific dolls or toys they

like.  If they enjoy the Wii, have that available, and a children's DVD that

they'll end the playdate watching.  Let both children know that you feel its

best they have an agenda so to maximize their fun and time together.  Make a

list of what they will do first, second, third, and so on.  Include snack time,

if you do that.  Just last year, my daughter had her first ever playdate with 2

sisters from church.  I had an agenda.  I filled her little pool out back. 

I had my daughter's tea set out, and her Wii game.  I also put out coloring

stuff.  The playdate went well.  The girl's got in the pool for a while, then

they had a tea party (I used fruit juice for tea and had snacks to go along

with the 'tea'), followed by laying on the bed watching a DVD.  At one point

during the playdate, each child was doing something different, and that was

fine, too.  The good thing is that they played together at times and were fine

to play apart, also.  No arguements, and the day went smoothly as planned.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it gives you some ideas.

Karmen

autism and playdates

 

My daughter, 7 year old, has just recently been diagnosed with autism, so its

all a bit new too me.

Anyway she only has one friend who she plays with outside of school. Playing

with other kids is very difficult for her, even though she really wants too.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed her, told me I should always be with her, when

she had a friend over to help her to learn to play. Otherwise the normal kids

would not come back.

I see why she told me this, if my daughters friend has been over they are

constantly arguing if I dont help out. My daughter also gets sad because her

friend decides everything if they do play together. Also roleplaying is

difficult for her.

I have tried with a social story about it, but it doesn't seem to help her.

I would like to hear how you deal with this situation if you have any experience

with it.

Also I would like an advice of wether I should let her go play with her friend

at their place. Its difficult for me to decide because I wont limit the one and

only friendship she has got, but on the other hand I know it doesnt work out

when she is there, because they are mostly on their own.

Best wishes

Rikke

[Guest guest]

Hi Karmen

Thank you for your good advice.

My daughter is an only child and has moderate to higher functioning autism.

It is a really good idea to make an agenda. I usually suggest things but they

often cant agree on what to do. Also when they agree on something her friend

takes charge and decides everything in the game, and my daughter gets upset.

Im a bit unsure of wether I should choose in advance before the playdate. It

sounded like that was what you did? Did the children just accept that?

Rikke

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

From: kcboone@...

Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:44:51 +0000

Subject: Re: autism and playdates

Hi Rikke,

Is your daughter an only child? My daughter will be 9 in May. She is dx'd

mild-moderate autism. She's an only child. I have had to facilitate all her

friendships up until last year. She has some friends, but it is hard for her to

'play' or maintain play because of her lack of comprehension. She has learned

to be very independent in her play. I do help out whenever necessary during

playdates. I don't ever leave her anywhere. Besides the autism, she also has

an anxiety disorder and therefore I know she'd become anxious if I left. I

don't mind intervening when the play seems to turn into a disagreement. I think

its helpful when I give concrete, step by step instructions or reasons for

something. I do however, try to let the children solve their own dilemma's

first, if possible. This way, they won't always expect someone to rush in and

make things better. Problem solving is a skill all children should learn,

however, if the problem is too big for the kids, then intervening is the thing

to do.

Maybe in your case, if your daughter is having more disagreements with her

friend during a playdate, you should try to have a 'playdate' agenda in place.

Such as, pull out a tea set, a boardgame, some specific dolls or toys they like.

If they enjoy the Wii, have that available, and a children's DVD that they'll

end the playdate watching. Let both children know that you feel its best they

have an agenda so to maximize their fun and time together. Make a list of what

they will do first, second, third, and so on. Include snack time, if you do

that. Just last year, my daughter had her first ever playdate with 2 sisters

from church. I had an agenda. I filled her little pool out back. I had my

daughter's tea set out, and her Wii game. I also put out coloring stuff. The

playdate went well. The girl's got in the pool for a while, then they had a tea

party (I used fruit juice for tea and had snacks to go along with the 'tea'),

followed by laying on the bed watching a DVD. At one point during the playdate,

each child was doing something different, and that was fine, too. The good

thing is that they played together at times and were fine to play apart, also.

No arguements, and the day went smoothly as planned.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it gives you some ideas.

Karmen

autism and playdates

My daughter, 7 year old, has just recently been diagnosed with autism, so its

all a bit new too me.

Anyway she only has one friend who she plays with outside of school. Playing

with other kids is very difficult for her, even though she really wants too.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed her, told me I should always be with her, when

she had a friend over to help her to learn to play. Otherwise the normal kids

would not come back.

I see why she told me this, if my daughters friend has been over they are

constantly arguing if I dont help out. My daughter also gets sad because her

friend decides everything if they do play together. Also roleplaying is

difficult for her.

I have tried with a social story about it, but it doesn't seem to help her.

I would like to hear how you deal with this situation if you have any experience

with it.

Also I would like an advice of wether I should let her go play with her friend

at their place. Its difficult for me to decide because I wont limit the one and

only friendship she has got, but on the other hand I know it doesnt work out

when she is there, because they are mostly on their own.

Best wishes

Rikke

[Guest guest]

Hi Rikke,

Yes, I chose what would be played.  I started with the outdoor fun (the small

blow up pool).  I had some water toys already in it.  Once they were finished

with that, I got the girl's inside and they changed out of there wet things. 

While they were changing, I put the tea set out on the table.  I asked them to

each choose one of the settings and place it where they'd like to sit.  I told

my daughter that her guests got to choose where they were sitting first, since

they were guests.  She was fine with that.  I gave them a choice of juice and

a choice of snack.  I joined them so that I could help keep the conversation

going.  At one point, the younger sister wanted to go back out and play on the

swingset, and the older sister wanted to play my daughter's Wii.  I said, sure,

why not.  My daughter wanted to draw, which is her 'thing'.  So, all 3 were

doing something different, but all were fine.  I had time to put the tea set

away, and set out an easy game for the girls.  When they all gathered back into

my dining room, the game was ready for them, and they played that for a while. 

After the game, the girl's chose a dvd to watch (that was the toughest part---my

daughter's not a big tv watcher, and they had a hard time agreeing). 

Eventually, we found a movie that all 3 could agree on, and they laid on the

bed, and watched it.  I brought in fresh fruit, rice cakes and lemonade for

them to snack on while they watched the movie.  I think the movie part worked

out well because they were tired from being in the pool.  I made lunch while

the movie was on.  Everyone ate and then the two girl's went home.

We've had similiar playdates since that time, as well.  I have asked them what

they'd like to do, and they are pretty good with choosing on their own.  When

it seems they are having difficulty agreeing, I make the final decision and that

is THAT.  Its an unwritten rule---I get the final say.

Another option for you may be for you to suggest to the other child's parent

that you meet on a playground.  Playgrounds are good ice-breakers. 

Hope it works out for you.  Having an only child can be tough.

Karmen

autism and playdates

  

My daughter, 7 year old, has just recently been diagnosed with autism, so its

all a bit new too me.

Anyway she only has one friend who she plays with outside of school. Playing

with other kids is very difficult for her, even though she really wants too.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed her, told me I should always be with her, when

she had a friend over to help her to learn to play. Otherwise the normal kids

would not come back.

I see why she told me this, if my daughters friend has been over they are

constantly arguing if I dont help out. My daughter also gets sad because her

friend decides everything if they do play together. Also roleplaying is

difficult for her.

I have tried with a social story about it, but it doesn't seem to help her.

I would like to hear how you deal with this situation if you have any experience

with it.

Also I would like an advice of wether I should let her go play with her friend

at their place. Its difficult for me to decide because I wont limit the one and

only friendship she has got, but on the other hand I know it doesnt work out

when she is there, because they are mostly on their own.

Best wishes

Rikke

[Guest guest]

I agree with the structure and not leaving them alone for any length of time. 

I also structure  play time with activities just as one would if it were a

daycare centre.  Most children are used to taking turns so you can let your

daughter and her friend take turns choosing from 2 or three activities and let

them create the agenda.   when playing games it is good to sit with them and

help with the idea of taking turns.   Even typical children of your daughters

age need this parent involvement to avoid scraps and both girls will enjoy you

and feel safer.  Structure structure structure = freedom. 

  when visiting another childs house I make sure the other parent has  a good

understanding of my daughter's needs and behaviors because most parents are more

than willing to facilitate if they are well prepared and informed about

strategies  and know what strenghts or hurdles they might expect. 

 Keep the visits short.  30- 45 minutes might be plenty for the first few visits

and then evaluate how much to increase.  Success always builds upon success.  So

always trouble shoot ahead of time and make sure as possible things will go

smoothly at her friends house. Send along her favorite activities which are

familiar to her so that it isn't all new to her.   If you can take pictures of

the friend's home  and people who live there, before she visits, it helps

prepare her .  it is often difficult  for our girls to be where there are

different sounds, smells, people lights, pets.   I have success with  my flip

camera. We try a walk thru with her and then watch it over and over together

before she goes somewhere new .  This seems to her get emotionally prepared and

familiar.  I find the more  concrete visuals the better with my child.  My

daughter loves watching videos of herself so this is the best tool I have for

preparing her for doctor, dentist, new classroom, camp etc.

  I have also learned to give my child frequent breaks from the other child

during play time.  I let her go and chill out quietly  with her headphones while

the other child is occupied with bubbles or crafts puzzles...  Those quiet

alone times makes playdates smoother for my daughter.  Honestly, the visiting

child won't mind her own  time alone.   At these early ages, even typical kids

need space or arguments occur as they get tired of one another.

  sounds like you are on track anyway. We just feel our way through with this

and what happens is how we learn to get it better.  Best, Jay, mom to Kezia 12

Hi Karmen

Thank you for your good advice.

My daughter is an only child and has moderate to higher functioning autism.

It is a really good idea to make an agenda. I usually suggest things but they

often cant agree on what to do. Also when they agree on something her friend

takes charge and decides everything in the game, and my daughter gets upset.

Im a bit unsure of wether I should choose in advance before the playdate. It

sounded like that was what you did? Did the children just accept that?

Rikke

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

From: kcboone@...

Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011 02:44:51 +0000

Subject: Re: autism and playdates

 

   

     

     

     

Hi Rikke,

Is your daughter an only child?  My daughter will be 9 in May.  She is dx'd

mild-moderate autism.  She's an only child.  I have had to facilitate all her

friendships up until last year.  She has some friends, but it is hard for her to

'play' or maintain play because of her lack of comprehension.  She has learned

to be very independent in her play.  I do help out whenever necessary during

playdates.  I don't ever leave her anywhere.  Besides the autism, she also has

an anxiety disorder and therefore I know she'd become anxious if I left.  I

don't mind intervening when the play seems to turn into a disagreement.  I think

its helpful when I give concrete, step by step instructions or reasons for

something.  I do however, try to let the children solve their own dilemma's

first, if possible.  This way, they won't always expect someone to rush in and

make things better.  Problem solving is a skill all children should learn,

however, if the problem is too big for the kids, then intervening is the thing

to do.

Maybe in your case, if your daughter is having more disagreements with her

friend during a playdate, you should try to have a 'playdate' agenda in place. 

Such as, pull out a tea set, a boardgame, some specific dolls or toys they

like.  If they enjoy the Wii, have that available, and a children's DVD that

they'll end the playdate watching.  Let both children know that you feel its

best they have an agenda so to maximize their fun and time together.  Make a

list of what they will do first, second, third, and so on.  Include snack time,

if you do that.  Just last year, my daughter had her first ever playdate with 2

sisters from church.  I had an agenda.  I filled her little pool out back.  I

had my daughter's tea set out, and her Wii game.  I also put out coloring

stuff.  The playdate went well.  The girl's got in the pool for a while, then

they had a tea party (I used fruit juice for tea and had snacks to go along with

the 'tea'), followed by laying on the bed watching a DVD.  At one point during

the playdate, each child was doing something different, and that was fine, too. 

The good thing is that they played together at times and were fine to play

apart, also.  No arguements, and the day went smoothly as planned.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it gives you some ideas.

Karmen

autism and playdates

 

My daughter, 7 year old, has just recently been diagnosed with autism, so its

all a bit new too me.

Anyway she only has one friend who she plays with outside of school. Playing

with other kids is very difficult for her, even though she really wants too.

The psychiatrist who diagnosed her, told me I should always be with her, when

she had a friend over to help her to learn to play. Otherwise the normal kids

would not come back.

I see why she told me this, if my daughters friend has been over they are

constantly arguing if I dont help out. My daughter also gets sad because her

friend decides everything if they do play together. Also roleplaying is

difficult for her.

I have tried with a social story about it, but it doesn't seem to help her.

I would like to hear how you deal with this situation if you have any experience

with it.

Also I would like an advice of wether I should let her go play with her friend

at their place. Its difficult for me to decide because I wont limit the one and

only friendship she has got, but on the other hand I know it doesnt work out

when she is there, because they are mostly on their own.

Best wishes

Rikke