how to teach sexual stuff

[Guest guest]

I have a question that *I hope* won't become an argument. But I

attended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning meeting this

afternoon. We didn't get a lot done, more of sharing stories than

anything. There was a lot said about all the sexual relations during

high school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought up in a

different home from the norm.

I guess my question is this. Is it more/less common to teach sexual

experiences should only be with the one special person you are

committing your life to, or that it's common to teach sexual

experiences are normal and frequent? When I was a teen in the mid '80s

myself & my personal peer group were taught to wait until marriage. I

did have one friend whose mother slept around and my friend was first

to say she wasn't taught that but didn't really share what she was

taught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but lead by actions?

Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge anyone, I'm

just very, very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing in

the way of puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if the

sexuality thing is one area in which my shadow qualities may kick in

and I'm more rules oriented than true life.

Debi

[Guest guest]

its a hard one deb. I guess, really its something the home has to decide upon.

We are professing christians, so my eldest definitely knows how we feel about

sex before marriage..........yes, i had a past before i was a christian, but

unless i get asked specifically from my daughter, i am never going to go

there.......as for Hannah.....i don't think she would have a clue what sex

was!!! yes, she has been given the " talk " at school, but i don't know how much

she took in.........

Cheryl S [chez]

To: Autism_in_Girls@...: fightingautism@...: Sat, 10

Jan 2009 23:54:57 +0000Subject: how to teach sexual stuff

I have a question that *I hope* won't become an argument. But Iattended my high

school's 20 yr reunion planning meeting thisafternoon. We didn't get a lot done,

more of sharing stories thananything. There was a lot said about all the sexual

relations duringhigh school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought up in

adifferent home from the norm. I guess my question is this. Is it more/less

common to teach sexualexperiences should only be with the one special person you

arecommitting your life to, or that it's common to teach sexualexperiences are

normal and frequent? When I was a teen in the mid '80smyself & my personal peer

group were taught to wait until marriage. Idid have one friend whose mother

slept around and my friend was firstto say she wasn't taught that but didn't

really share what she wastaught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but

lead by actions?Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge

anyone, I'mjust very, very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing

inthe way of puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if thesexuality

thing is one area in which my shadow qualities may kick inand I'm more rules

oriented than true life.Debi

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Debi,

I think the world these days typically leans more towards the " trying

before buying " mentality. Most don't believe there is anything wrong

with sexual relations before marriage, as long as you are " careful "

about it. However, getting pregnant before marriage still seems to be

a bit of a " no no " from what I have seen. It doesn't make much sense

to me because you can't have one without the possibility of the

other, you know?

Personally, I grew up in a Christian family who believes sex before

marriage is wrong, and I intend to teach my children the same way.

But, I really don't think we are the majority anymore.

-Vicky in IL

>

> I have a question that *I hope* won't become an argument. But I

> attended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning meeting this

> afternoon. We didn't get a lot done, more of sharing stories than

> anything. There was a lot said about all the sexual relations during

> high school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought up in a

> different home from the norm.

>

> I guess my question is this. Is it more/less common to teach sexual

> experiences should only be with the one special person you are

> committing your life to, or that it's common to teach sexual

> experiences are normal and frequent? When I was a teen in the

mid '80s

> myself & my personal peer group were taught to wait until marriage.

I

> did have one friend whose mother slept around and my friend was

first

> to say she wasn't taught that but didn't really share what she was

> taught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but lead by

actions?

>

> Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge anyone,

I'm

> just very, very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing in

> the way of puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if the

> sexuality thing is one area in which my shadow qualities may kick in

> and I'm more rules oriented than true life.

>

> Debi

>

[Guest guest]

no we definitely are not the majority anymore. Even in our church, we have young

people who have gone off the track, so to speak, gone out had some fun, ended up

with babies, and now have come back wishing they had never gone out.........so i

guess you have to weigh it all up, whether you have those beliefs or

not....there is always that possibility your going to end up with a bundle in

your arms.

Cheryl S [chez]

To: Autism_in_Girls@...: davick92@...: Sun, 11 Jan

2009 04:19:27 +0000Subject: Re: how to teach sexual stuff

Debi,I think the world these days typically leans more towards the " trying

before buying " mentality. Most don't believe there is anything wrong with sexual

relations before marriage, as long as you are " careful " about it. However,

getting pregnant before marriage still seems to be a bit of a " no no " from what

I have seen. It doesn't make much sense to me because you can't have one without

the possibility of the other, you know? Personally, I grew up in a Christian

family who believes sex before marriage is wrong, and I intend to teach my

children the same way. But, I really don't think we are the majority anymore.

-Vicky in IL>> I have a question that *I hope* won't become an argument. But I>

attended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning meeting this> afternoon. We

didn't get a lot done, more of sharing stories than> anything. There was a lot

said about all the sexual relations during> high school. It got me wondering if

perhaps I was brought up in a> different home from the norm. > > I guess my

question is this. Is it more/less common to teach sexual> experiences should

only be with the one special person you are> committing your life to, or that

it's common to teach sexual> experiences are normal and frequent? When I was a

teen in the mid '80s> myself & my personal peer group were taught to wait until

marriage. I> did have one friend whose mother slept around and my friend was

first> to say she wasn't taught that but didn't really share what she was>

taught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but lead by actions?> >

Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge anyone, I'm> just

very, very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing in> the way of

puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if the> sexuality thing is

one area in which my shadow qualities may kick in> and I'm more rules oriented

than true life.> > Debi>

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

These people I met with today are my age, 37ish. This was in the

mid-late '80's. Are there are a lot of people who were taught it but

simply didn't believe/decide to follow it? I am truly at a loss to

comprehend. I think this really is a shadow syndrome thing, to me it

seems so black & white and I am clearly not grasping all the unspoken

social issues. One person at the group stated he would bet out of 312

students graduating only 15 of us had not had sex before graduation.

While that's only a guess, I was shocked at how many people had

discussed not only having had sex, but having had sex multiple times.

I remember Temple Grandin saying in her books that no sex was a rule

for her so it wasn't a problem being a rule she followed. Perhaps

that's what it boils down to, those who were rules oriented had no

issue & the rest didn't have an issue one way or the other?

Is this why so many people put their daughters on the pill with the

onset of menses under the guise of " to regulate " before they know if

there is an issue with regular/irregular cycles? Is it an unspoken

way of covering/allowing their daughters sexual relations without

pregnancy?

Again, I'm truly not trying to open a pandora's box, I truly am not

comprehending all this.

Debi

[Guest guest]

i know if i thought hannah was in a situation where sex could become a reality,

i would definitely see about getting the pill, now she has just had her first

period. hannah wouldnt have a clue what sex is..........but i am sure if some

guy paid enough attention, she might be persuaded, not sure, so in the future,

yes, i may have to look down that road.

Cheryl S [chez]

To: Autism_in_Girls@...: fightingautism@...: Sun, 11

Jan 2009 05:20:30 +0000Subject: Re: how to teach sexual stuff

These people I met with today are my age, 37ish. This was in themid-late '80's.

Are there are a lot of people who were taught it butsimply didn't believe/decide

to follow it? I am truly at a loss tocomprehend. I think this really is a shadow

syndrome thing, to me itseems so black & white and I am clearly not grasping all

the unspokensocial issues. One person at the group stated he would bet out of

312students graduating only 15 of us had not had sex before graduation. While

that's only a guess, I was shocked at how many people haddiscussed not only

having had sex, but having had sex multiple times.I remember Temple Grandin

saying in her books that no sex was a rulefor her so it wasn't a problem being a

rule she followed. Perhapsthat's what it boils down to, those who were rules

oriented had noissue & the rest didn't have an issue one way or the other? Is

this why so many people put their daughters on the pill with theonset of menses

under the guise of " to regulate " before they know ifthere is an issue with

regular/irregular cycles? Is it an unspokenway of covering/allowing their

daughters sexual relations withoutpregnancy? Again, I'm truly not trying to open

a pandora's box, I truly am notcomprehending all this. Debi

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

I think I either need to slow down & type better or get my keyboard

space bar fixed!

-

[Guest guest]

Hi Chez

 

Sadly this is a misconception a lot of people have about their disabled

children. I know from experience my sister has aquired brain injury from

whooping cough as a baby and lack of oxygen when she stopped breathing.

 

We never ever thought Joanne would be interested in sex. Boys to her were yuck

and mean etc etc. She had had the sex talk at school as well and we assumed she

had no idea what they were speaking about. We soon found out how wrong we were

when at 22 we got a call from the local hospital saying Joanne had been brought

in as she had passed out at a group outing she was on... The cause of the

fainting turned out that she was 3 months pregnant. I asked her to describe sex

once and to her it was when her boyfriend ( same guy as the dad as my niece and

now nephew as well ) laid of top of her for a cuddle with no clothes on and

looked at her boobs. The rest was just a weird concept of any of the other

stuff. Needless to say my sister and her partner could barely look after

themselves let alone a baby and my niece is now in my care till age 18. She has

Autism and now Epilepsy as well. We had my sister put on the deprovera needles

so she wouldnt have more

children. Sadly she was late in getting one because of whatever reason and my

nephew was born in Oct 2006. It now appears that he is also on the spectrum.

 

Reason I say this is my parents tried to get the courts to order her to have a

tubal ligation done and failed because Joanne has the right to have as many kids

as she wants. Even though both her children have been removed from her. My

nephew is in the care of the Dept of Children in NSW.

 

I know personally for us we will consider at an appropriate age of having the

implanon put in for Amy. This lasts 3 years.

 

Sorry to ramble.

 

Subject: RE: how to teach sexual stuff

To: autism_in_girls

Received: Sunday, 11 January, 2009, 1:58 PM

its a hard one deb. I guess, really its something the home has to decide upon.

We are professing christians, so my eldest definitely knows how we feel about

sex before marriage.... ......yes, i had a past before i was a christian, but

unless i get asked specifically from my daughter, i am never going to go

there....... as for Hannah.....i don't think she would have a clue what sex

was!!! yes, she has been given the " talk " at school, but i don't know how much

she took in.........

Cheryl S [chez]

To: Autism_in_Girls@ yahoogroups. comFrom: fightingautism@ yahoo.comDate: Sat,

10 Jan 2009 23:54:57 +0000Subject: how to teach sexual stuff

I have a question that *I hope* won't become an argument. But Iattended my high

school's 20 yr reunion planning meeting thisafternoon. We didn't get a lot done,

more of sharing stories thananything. There was a lot said about all the sexual

relations duringhigh school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought up in

adifferent home from the norm. I guess my question is this. Is it more/less

common to teach sexualexperiences should only be with the one special person you

arecommitting your life to, or that it's common to teach sexualexperiences are

normal and frequent? When I was a teen in the mid '80smyself & my personal peer

group were taught to wait until marriage. Idid have one friend whose mother

slept around and my friend was firstto say she wasn't taught that but didn't

really share what she wastaught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but

lead by actions?Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge

anyone, I'mjust very,

very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing inthe way of puberty &

what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if thesexuality thing is one area in

which my shadow qualities may kick inand I'm more rules oriented than true

life.Debi

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Holiday cheer from Messenger. Download free emoticons today!

http://livelife. ninemsn.com. au/article. aspx?id=669758

[Guest guest]

I was brought up Christian, though I don't do the church thing now.

What I was taught was that it's best to save sex for the person you will spend

the rest of your life with, because it bonds 2 people and because of the

consequences.

But I was also taught that if I did choose to have sex outside of marriage, or

in another circumstance where a baby was not desirable, that birthcontrol was

available, and about the types of birth control. I was also taught about the

morning-after pill in case of unplanned unprotected sex, either willing or not

so willing. I was told I'd not be judged if I chose birth control.

If/when I have kids, I will teach them about options, though I would personally

prefer they wait until they are adults and in some sort of committed

relationship, if not marriage.

>

> Subject: how to teach sexual stuff

> To: Autism_in_Girls

> Date: Saturday, January 10, 2009, 5:54 PM

> I have a question that *I hope* won't become an

> argument. But I

> attended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning

> meeting this

> afternoon. We didn't get a lot done, more of sharing

> stories than

> anything. There was a lot said about all the sexual

> relations during

> high school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought

> up in a

> different home from the norm.

>

> I guess my question is this. Is it more/less common to

> teach sexual

> experiences should only be with the one special person you

> are

> committing your life to, or that it's common to teach

> sexual

> experiences are normal and frequent? When I was a teen in

> the mid '80s

> myself & my personal peer group were taught to wait

> until marriage. I

> did have one friend whose mother slept around and my friend

> was first

> to say she wasn't taught that but didn't really

> share what she was

> taught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but

> lead by actions?

>

> Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or

> judge anyone, I'm

> just very, very concerned with what my 2 older girls are

> nearing in

> the way of puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting

> to wonder if the

> sexuality thing is one area in which my shadow qualities

> may kick in

> and I'm more rules oriented than true life.

>

> Debi

[Guest guest]

Kassi I to be of have the same thinking and values as you shared on

this. with today you can educate and such but they will still do and or

be pressured to do the sex things with partners and such this of how my

Aimee became of a teen mom, because i to teached of the abstinance and

christian faith things but as a teen she explored sex things without no

birth control and got of pregnant with this boy after the first time of

no protected of sex things so now I to teach exactly as you sharing if

they feel of doing the sex things they need to assure of protection not

only due to babies but sex diseases too.

with my sons as they reached certain ages in their teen years i to had

of the sex talks with them and then sahred I to be of will buy of

condoms and keep of them available but not that I to condone of sex

before marriage but I to be of more against of sex with no proteactions

more.

so it was left at that.

sondra

[Guest guest]

thanks for your ramble...i appreciate it. Yes, i have to remember, that even if

hannah doesnt understand the implications, there are guys out there who know

only too well what they are doing. she did probably over 12 months ago have a

little incident at school with a boy. she was allowed to go into this classroom

at lunch to have her time of alone........and he followed, they were playing a

touching game, so this other boy reported......of course, it was looked at by

this boys parents as it would have been hannahs fault.......they didnt say it so

much, but you could just pick it up in conversation. its been ok this last

year, as she went into the high school section, and he stayed in primary, but

this year he goes up...so i shall be watching, don't worry.........i mean, she

actually got on with him and other boys, as i guess she can relate better than

other girls who are far beyond her mind age now..........will have to think some

more on all of this.

Cheryl S [chez]

To: Autism_in_Girls@...: mrs_westyofoz@...: Sat, 10

Jan 2009 23:11:56 -0800Subject: RE: how to teach sexual stuff

Hi Chez Sadly this is a misconception a lot of people have about their disabled

children. I know from experience my sister has aquired brain injury from

whooping cough as a baby and lack of oxygen when she stopped breathing. We never

ever thought Joanne would be interested in sex. Boys to her were yuck and mean

etc etc. She had had the sex talk at school as well and we assumed she had no

idea what they were speaking about. We soon found out how wrong we were when at

22 we got a call from the local hospital saying Joanne had been brought in as

she had passed out at a group outing she was on... The cause of the fainting

turned out that she was 3 months pregnant. I asked her to describe sex once and

to her it was when her boyfriend ( same guy as the dad as my niece and now

nephew as well ) laid of top of her for a cuddle with no clothes on and looked

at her boobs. The rest was just a weird concept of any of the other stuff.

Needless to say my sister and her partner could barely look after themselves let

alone a baby and my niece is now in my care till age 18. She has Autism and now

Epilepsy as well. We had my sister put on the deprovera needles so she wouldnt

have morechildren. Sadly she was late in getting one because of whatever reason

and my nephew was born in Oct 2006. It now appears that he is also on the

spectrum. Reason I say this is my parents tried to get the courts to order her

to have a tubal ligation done and failed because Joanne has the right to have as

many kids as she wants. Even though both her children have been removed from

her. My nephew is in the care of the Dept of Children in NSW. I know personally

for us we will consider at an appropriate age of having the implanon put in for

Amy. This lasts 3 years. Sorry to ramble. From: Cheryl Sommerfeld

Subject: RE: how to teach sexual

stuffTo: autism_in_girls@...: Sunday, 11 January, 2009, 1:58

PMits a hard one deb. I guess, really its something the home has to decide upon.

We are professing christians, so my eldest definitely knows how we feel about

sex before marriage.... ......yes, i had a past before i was a christian, but

unless i get asked specifically from my daughter, i am never going to go

there....... as for Hannah.....i don't think she would have a clue what sex

was!!! yes, she has been given the " talk " at school, but i don't know how much

she took in.........Cheryl S [chez]To: Autism_in_Girls@ yahoogroups. comFrom:

fightingautism@ yahoo.comDate: Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:54:57 +0000Subject:

how to teach sexual stuffI have a question that *I hope* won't

become an argument. But Iattended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning

meeting thisafternoon. We didn't get a lot done, more of sharing stories

thananything. There was a lot said about all the sexual relations duringhigh

school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought up in adifferent home from

the norm. I guess my question is this. Is it more/less common to teach

sexualexperiences should only be with the one special person you arecommitting

your life to, or that it's common to teach sexualexperiences are normal and

frequent? When I was a teen in the mid '80smyself & my personal peer group were

taught to wait until marriage. Idid have one friend whose mother slept around

and my friend was firstto say she wasn't taught that but didn't really share

what she wastaught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but lead by

actions?Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge anyone,

I'mjust very,very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing inthe way of

puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if thesexuality thing is one

area in which my shadow qualities may kick inand I'm more rules oriented than

true life.Debi ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

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[Guest guest]

Yeah and its not even just NT boys either. My sisters parnter is also disabled

he has a mental age of around 13/14 so total hormones raging and he told us that

his dad gets him titty movies as he calls them and they taught them how to

cuddle like adults and what noises to make. Its sounds so niave like 2 6 year

olds explaining sex and what it is. But sadly it has been enough to produce 2

kids they are unable to care for. Even now they will sneak down to the video

shop to get new titty movies for different idea's on " NOISES " yeah they want to

know what noise they are meant to make.....

 

From: Cheryl Sommerfeld <cmsommerfeld@ hotmail.com>Subject:

RE: how to

teach sexual stuffTo: autism_in_girls@ yahoogroups. comReceived: Sunday, 11

January, 2009, 1:58 PMits a hard one deb. I guess, really its something the home

has to decide upon. We are professing christians, so my eldest definitely knows

how we feel about sex before marriage.... ......yes, i had a past before i was a

christian, but unless i get asked specifically from my daughter, i am never

going to go there....... as for Hannah.....i don't think she would have a clue

what sex was!!! yes, she has been given the " talk " at school, but i don't know

how much she took in.........Cheryl S [chez]To: Autism_in_Girls@ yahoogroups.

comFrom: fightingautism@ yahoo.comDate: Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:54:57 +0000Subject:

how to teach sexual stuffI have a question that *I hope* won't

become an argument. But Iattended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning

meeting thisafternoon. We didn't get a lot done, more of sharing stories

thananything. There was a lot

said about all the sexual relations duringhigh school. It got me wondering if

perhaps I was brought up in adifferent home from the norm. I guess my question

is this. Is it more/less common to teach sexualexperiences should only be with

the one special person you arecommitting your life to, or that it's common to

teach sexualexperiences are normal and frequent? When I was a teen in the mid

'80smyself & my personal peer group were taught to wait until marriage. Idid

have one friend whose mother slept around and my friend was firstto say she

wasn't taught that but didn't really share what she wastaught. Perhaps her

family didn't have any opinion but lead by actions?Again, my goal isn't to call

anyone on the carpet or judge anyone, I'mjust very,very concerned with what my 2

older girls are nearing inthe way of puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to

wonder if thesexuality thing is one area in which my shadow qualities may kick

inand I'm more rules

oriented than true life.Debi ____________ _________ _________ _________

_________ _________ _Holiday cheer from Messenger. Download free emoticons

today!http://livelife. ninemsn.com. au/article. aspx?id=669758 [Non-text

portions of this message have been removed]Stay connected to the people that

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mail/smarterinbo x

[Guest guest]

this is of sort of the story of my Aimee while high functioning she

is of still very literal and not as good to common sense things and

thus we now have of " Laney " as we call of her baby, this sweet baby

will be of 3 in April and it has not been an easy 3 years and is of

constant teaching of Aimee how to take the right parental things for

Delaney. But after 3 years she is of now a fair mom over her child

and is of beginning to put her first over her own needs which was one

of the hardest things for her to learn. but it is of now coming more

naturally for her. She is of learning how to discipline and teach.

She does good with playing with her such as on her days off from work

she plays games that are of age right for her daughter and they both

much enjoy this sort of time together.

But still it is of like joint custody in many ways because i to care

for Delaney much when her mom works and every saturday night she

stays with me if my health is of able to care for her.

Delaney prefers here and does not always want to go to her own home

and tells me she does not like it anymore... but it is of i to think

the transition of moving out to a new place after living in our home

for much of her life so this transition is of fearful and hard on her

so this will take time.

The medical doctor shares Delaney appears to be of a very strong

willed child , but so was of Aimee as a baby. anyways Delaney can

cause Aimee to be of overwhelmed to tears quickly and so when she

speaks of wanting a new baby I to tell of her of this is of doubling

the frustrations. Her husband well he is of another issue. He is of

nice in some areas but in some other areas he gives off to me strong

red flag sorts of things that causes me to keep of him at a distance

and on gaurd to him. He cant keep of a job and is of very

controlling and had a mean temper things. He has never to hit of

Aimee but has of grabbed of her firmly by the arms or grabbed of her

and pulled her to the sofa to sit down when she accidently walked

into the path of me and him speaking (a common ASD sorts of things,

because she was not aware that she was of blocking the path of two

people having words) but he grabbed of her as if she was of aware and

doing it on the purpose. So I to keep fo telling of my Aimee that it

would not be of in her best interest to have another baby because of

this. I to hope that in true the marriage dissolves for her sake

because if he can grab I to fear he can hit if hims anger is of high.

But when I to speak to Aimee over it she does not want to hear of the

words to this.

yes the sad is they as adults do have of the rights to do as they

want like peers but often they do to have of the clues to things they

are of doing as far as the over all picture at times.

Yes for self was of very very stupid to life and relationships and

marriage, sex, babies and the whole grown up world and over the 25

years or so of being of adult I to gained and learned and gained and

can now function semi-independent of others and have learned of how

to parent and do life things. but not all will reach of this level

and I to think because inside of me had of strong like to babies and

childrens so this motivated of me to do a good job and self teached

of how to parent of them by reading all the parenting magazines and

things of this and learning from little house on the praire of how to

parent of the children in patience and words. I to also then did much

observing of other parentings styles and it was of good in many ways

because seen of some really bad parenting that caused strong

emotional states in me to cycle rapidly in me because could hear the

shouts of human suffering from the children even if they were of not

with tears or words.... and I to also observed of a balanced calm and

true love/care and such reflect from other parents and so tried of

hard to imitate of that model to my kids. but again this was from the

internal motivation and desire to learn and parent of my childrens.

sondra

[Guest guest]

Debi,

Yes, I believe there are a lot of people who are taught that sex

before marriage is not the best choice. However, as others have

mentioned, it doesn't always matter how you were brought up. Some

kids just go out and explore anyway. It has become much more

widely " accepted " in our culture, and we are bombarded with sex on TV

and in movies and books. It is natural for a person to become curious

with all these things being thrown at them. We can only do our best

as parents. But, no matter what we teach them, it still becomes THEIR

choice at some point. There are still a few who choose not to have

premarital sex, but they are the minority now.

As I mentioned before, I intend to teach my kids the same way I was

taught regarding this issue. However, in the future, I would also

still consider putting my autistic daughter on BC, since I don't know

if she would truly understand the implications of sex, and would not

be able to take care of a child if she were to become pregnant.

Currently, we homeschool her, so having her get into trouble from a

school boy would not be an issue. But, as she gets older, I know I

will not be around her all the time and am afraid some boy might take

advantage of her.

-Vicky

>

> These people I met with today are my age, 37ish. This was in the

> mid-late '80's. Are there are a lot of people who were taught it but

> simply didn't believe/decide to follow it? I am truly at a loss to

> comprehend. I think this really is a shadow syndrome thing, to me it

> seems so black & white and I am clearly not grasping all the

unspoken

> social issues. One person at the group stated he would bet out of

312

> students graduating only 15 of us had not had sex before

graduation.

> While that's only a guess, I was shocked at how many people had

> discussed not only having had sex, but having had sex multiple

times.

>

> I remember Temple Grandin saying in her books that no sex was a rule

> for her so it wasn't a problem being a rule she followed. Perhaps

> that's what it boils down to, those who were rules oriented had no

> issue & the rest didn't have an issue one way or the other?

>

> Is this why so many people put their daughters on the pill with the

> onset of menses under the guise of " to regulate " before they know if

> there is an issue with regular/irregular cycles? Is it an unspoken

> way of covering/allowing their daughters sexual relations without

> pregnancy?

>

> Again, I'm truly not trying to open a pandora's box, I truly am not

> comprehending all this.

>

> Debi

>

[Guest guest]

I am Christian so I believe that it is God's loving boundary to not have sex

before marriage.  That is a very hard boundary to keep because most of us lack

self-control in many areas of our lives.  I plan on teaching my children the

benefit of keeping this sacred boundary that God has placed on us and why he has

placed this on us as our responsiblity.  I see it as a healthy boundary.  And

when it is crossed there are consequences....unwanted pregnancies, sexaully

transmitted disease, regret and guilt, hurt emotions, feeling used or being

used, lovers coming and goin in youthful dating and so forth.  If you were to

ask some of us why we gave away our virginity before marriage many would tell

you it was for several reasons...like wanting to be loved or accepted, felt they

had no choice, felt they were in love or it was the way to show someoen that

they loved them, wanted to feel pretty and desirable, for guys it could be to be

" in with the rest of

the crowd " , to just satisfy an urge, to use someoen, or to prove their

masculinity, etc...  Then if you were to ask us how many of us married the

person we had sex with the first time....probaly that would be a very low

number...and if you were to ask them if they regret it...that would probably be

a high number.  Then again, just guessing.  But I am a counselor and I deal with

people every week who regret even highschool decisions concerning their

sexuality and are still dealing with the consequences 30 or more years later. 

Unfortunately they are now married and their family also is being affected by

unhealthy sexual decisions.  Just talk to the man who loves his wife dearly but

it costs him dearly as well to be physically intimate with her because she has

an STD. 

Unfortunately, our society today just tells us to pop a pill and you can keep

having sex at your will, most of the time.

So I hope to teach my children that this is a special gift reserved for the one

they marry and it is not something to treat as a cheap gift to give away.  At

the same time, part of my strategy is to teach them that their sexual desires

are normal and manageable without crossing the line.   I hope to teach them

healthy respect for themselves and those they enter into relationships with

along the way.  I also have the strategy of making sure they understand their

bodies and the birds and the bees etc...

They do have free choices.  But I also have a responsiblity as a parent to guide

them and protect them until adulthood in making the right choices.  When they

reach adulthood, should their judgment in matters be proven that they are not

capable of making good healthy choices due to a disease or illness, then I

beleive it is my responsiblity to still guide them and do all I can to keep them

safe and to help them if they will still allow me...Problem is they will outlive

me.  I look at it as just as if they were in a wheelchair and somewhat

disabled.  Just because they turn 18 doesn't mean that I never assist them or

help them in some way or fashion to figure out what is safe, how to do something

etc...

It is a fear that I have even at such a young age for my daughter.  She is only

8.  And I know that she doesn not have the capability to disipher the intentions

of another person.  Just because she may become an adult does not mean that that

might change in her, and it certainly does not mean that I throw her to more

grown-up intentions by those who can easily prey on those who are not able to

have healthy relationships.  So I will teach her and preapre her as best

possible and hope that in her autistic way, she will be able to make right from

wrong choices and realize the consequences of such.  I would be rich if I had 10

bucks for every boy that told me that he loved me and wanted to have sex.  I

want to teach my daughter and son what love really is...and it's not coming and

going with whoever will drop their pants or make you feel good, or give

themsleves so freely and easily to you...they might not stay when the marriage

gets rough or the enxt

pretty things struts by.

God help me.

________________________________

To: Autism_in_Girls

Sent: Sunday, January 11, 2009 2:03:29 PM

Subject: Re: how to teach sexual stuff

Debi,

Yes, I believe there are a lot of people who are taught that sex

before marriage is not the best choice. However, as others have

mentioned, it doesn't always matter how you were brought up. Some

kids just go out and explore anyway. It has become much more

widely " accepted " in our culture, and we are bombarded with sex on TV

and in movies and books. It is natural for a person to become curious

with all these things being thrown at them. We can only do our best

as parents. But, no matter what we teach them, it still becomes THEIR

choice at some point. There are still a few who choose not to have

premarital sex, but they are the minority now.

As I mentioned before, I intend to teach my kids the same way I was

taught regarding this issue. However, in the future, I would also

still consider putting my autistic daughter on BC, since I don't know

if she would truly understand the implications of sex, and would not

be able to take care of a child if she were to become pregnant.

Currently, we homeschool her, so having her get into trouble from a

school boy would not be an issue. But, as she gets older, I know I

will not be around her all the time and am afraid some boy might take

advantage of her.

-Vicky

>

> These people I met with today are my age, 37ish. This was in the

> mid-late '80's. Are there are a lot of people who were taught it but

> simply didn't believe/decide to follow it? I am truly at a loss to

> comprehend. I think this really is a shadow syndrome thing, to me it

> seems so black & white and I am clearly not grasping all the

unspoken

> social issues. One person at the group stated he would bet out of

312

> students graduating only 15 of us had not had sex before

graduation.

> While that's only a guess, I was shocked at how many people had

> discussed not only having had sex, but having had sex multiple

times.

>

> I remember Temple Grandin saying in her books that no sex was a rule

> for her so it wasn't a problem being a rule she followed. Perhaps

> that's what it boils down to, those who were rules oriented had no

> issue & the rest didn't have an issue one way or the other?

>

> Is this why so many people put their daughters on the pill with the

> onset of menses under the guise of " to regulate " before they know if

> there is an issue with regular/irregular cycles? Is it an unspoken

> way of covering/allowing their daughters sexual relations without

> pregnancy?

>

> Again, I'm truly not trying to open a pandora's box, I truly am not

> comprehending all this.

>

> Debi

>

[Guest guest]

Debi,

This is a great topic and I see that so far everyone has kept the topic

friendly, I do hope it stays that way.

I myself was not spoken to too much about sexuality as a kid... I didn't

have older siblings to talk to about it either (or younger either for that

matter! LOL) so my friends and I had most of the discussions, and I learned

most of what I knew at the time from my peers as well as a wonderful (being

sarcastic here) book that my mother inadvertantly had on the bookshelf

called 'The Joy of Sex'

Being a single mom in a difficult time, my mom often worked two or sometimes

three jobs to make ends meet, so there were plenty of times when I got home

from school and was alone till after dinner or sometimes even bedtime! Lots

of free time leads to lots of exploring and is how I came across the big

book to begin with. To this day I don't even know if my mom ever knew that I

read that book.

Anyway as I said my mom didn't talk to me much about these things during the

little bit of time we were together during this time in my life, and I had

the added stress of having been inappropriately touched by a neighbor at a

young age (he wasn't an adult but rather a teen about 5 or 6 years older

than me) and then not having anyone believe me... He was a part of the

sheriff's teen program and later became a deputy, so they didn't think he'd

ever do such a thing.

I definately fall into the category of having sex at a young age for the

wrong reasons... Feeling like it was the only reason that boys liked girls

and if I wanted their attention then I needed to be willing to have sex with

them.

I think growing up without a father around had a good deal of influence in

that thinking as well. I've read studies that show that girls that grow up

without their father around or without a good male role model, have a

tendency to look for that male attention in other ways such as sex at a

young age.

I do not regret anything I've done though as I firmly believe that it was my

past actions that made me who I am today and that it was just simply the

path I was meant to take. So if asked if I could go back and change

anything, I don't think I would.

My experiences have however given me more insight as to what is at risk and

what I should be trying to help my girls avoid. I hope that for one the fact

that they have a good father in the picture will help, but I have also told

my 11 year old that while sex should be saved for the person you spend the

rest of your life with, I am not so naieve to think that it won't happen

just because I say she shouldn't, and that it's her life, her body and her

choice to make. I can only give her the information to make the best choice

possible. And we've talked about the risks of having sex, and how there is

no way to remove those risks 100% other than to NOT have sex. But that if a

time comes that she is sure it's what she wants that there are ways to at

least lower those risks and that we will discuss them further and often as

the time actually comes near.

Right now, she's still pretty freaked out about the whole sex idea,

especially the part that doing it could cause cancer and other health risks

aside from pregnancy. So she agrees that it's best just not to do it at all.

But I know that she's only 11 (almost 12) now and hasn't really started

puberty yet, so all of these thoughts she has now could very well change by

then.... but for her to already know (and keep being reminded of) the risks,

I hope that it allows her to make better decisions then.

We had sex ed in school and they told me all the things I could get, but I

don't know one kid from my class that actually thought it was really a risk!

Kids at that age definately have the " It won't happen to ME! " attitude. And

while I was very lucky to have never gotten an STD, I did get pregnant at

just 15 years old! My first daughter will be 18 in just a couple weeks. I

think this too will help my girls know that the " it won't happen to me "

attitude is just not correct and allows me to have a bit more clout when I

get on my high horse and tell them just all that can happen.

All that being said, when the time comes, if my daughter asks me to put her

on BC so that she can have sex with her BF, I will and I will provide them

with condoms as well. Because I want to know that if they are not going to

wait that they are at least going to be safe about it and they will also get

the lecture about the risks again and shown where the condoms and BC both

say they are not 100% effective and that they will have to live with the

consequences if they go through with their choices.

I've just always thought that when you tell a person they " CAN'T " do

something, then it makes it all that much more desireable... at least that's

how it was for me (and my dad too!) We've always seemed to have that gene

that wants to rebel and if you say I HAVE to do this or that, then I'm more

likely to prove that no, I do not HAVE to do it... and if I'm told I Can't

do something, I'm more likely to prove that, Yes, I can! LOL

Theresa

>

> I have a question that *I hope* won't become an argument. But I

> attended my high school's 20 yr reunion planning meeting this

> afternoon. We didn't get a lot done, more of sharing stories than

> anything. There was a lot said about all the sexual relations during

> high school. It got me wondering if perhaps I was brought up in a

> different home from the norm.

>

> I guess my question is this. Is it more/less common to teach sexual

> experiences should only be with the one special person you are

> committing your life to, or that it's common to teach sexual

> experiences are normal and frequent? When I was a teen in the mid '80s

> myself & my personal peer group were taught to wait until marriage. I

> did have one friend whose mother slept around and my friend was first

> to say she wasn't taught that but didn't really share what she was

> taught. Perhaps her family didn't have any opinion but lead by actions?

>

> Again, my goal isn't to call anyone on the carpet or judge anyone, I'm

> just very, very concerned with what my 2 older girls are nearing in

> the way of puberty & what the norm is. I'm starting to wonder if the

> sexuality thing is one area in which my shadow qualities may kick in

> and I'm more rules oriented than true life.

>

> Debi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your input. I guess I don't realize how lucky I was in some

ways. Both my grandmothers, father before his death, and my mother

talked with us about sex. I was also involved during junior high with

a youth group that talked a lot about sex. I had been molested as a

young child, too, but I think it made me afraid of men for a long

time. Perhaps all those things are what played into my choices or lack

of them.

I don't think anyone should feel shame for their past, as you say, it

makes us who we are today. I was just very shocked with the outlook

that I had to hear all these stories of multiple sex partners from

very young ages. I talk with my daughters about what I hope they will

choose but acknowledge their bodies equate to their own choices, and

we talk about birth control. I've already had conversations where

their friends appeared to be trying to seek answers through my

daughter from me about sexual stuff.

Maybe part of it with me also is that as a young adult my cousin

contracted HIV and then died from AIDS when I was pregnant with my

Allie. The idea of sexual promiscuity scares me to death simply

because of so many STIs. As I try to tell my daughters, even condom

use is not 100% against them and if they want to be mothers one day

they need to consider those possible consequences to their bodies as

they make the choices they will make.

I also have a family member who seemed almost OCD about her son's

possible opportunity to have sex. Her answer was to, from my

perspective, imprison him through high school. As I tried to tell her,

if he wants to have sex he will find two minutes when someone's back

is turned. I didn't get that mentality either, to assume we can force

our growing teens to decide only what we want them to or we will

alienate them in trying to comply.

There seem to be many unspoken social rules about sexuality, from the

thought that a girl wearing a tampon my tear her hymen and thus lose

her " witness " of virginity to the unspoken winks of approving of

sexual behaviors without verbally claiming it. In this experience I

really understand those on spectrum with their frustrations and anger

of no one taking the time to verbally explain these hidden messages. I

sure am not getting them but am beginning to accept what I have suspected.

Debi