Re: The dark side of autism

[Guest guest]

I forgot, we can even play basketball in the family room with 's

basketball court. Kim's boyfriend plays basketball with every time he

come over to visit Kim, and Kim is always tell him that her sister trying to

steal him! Maybe she is???

Bev

[Guest guest]

I attempted to connect with the other adults while at the theater, but the adult

aids that were there seemed to look at me as if I was from another plant.

Sometimes everyone has connecting problem.

We had nothing common, they one aid seem to like gamble. I never gamble, because

I usually know the odds and if they not in my favor, why would I want to give my

money away. There was a time that would play a poker machine, I was not

gambling, because I was counting, odds were 80 to 1, after 60 games, I increase

my odds. After a while, I realized I was not gambling. I was just putting a coin

collecting the pay off, that not gambling. So that was a near as found a common

ground with her, if I told about my gamble, she would have looked at me as what?

I stopped telling anyone about my gambling days long ago.

Then we she talked about her gastric bypass, all I could think about was how the

operation was preformed and what happens if she eats to much! She showed her

picture of before and had everyone guess her age. I think she looked better

before the operation. All I could think was how much kids like to hug pillows,

then she announced she what a tummy tuck. Ok, what kid would what to hug

something hard and flat? I was not connecting al all.

I decided to watch the play and give up! I could not connect, sometimes there

just no common ground to make a connection! If people are too different they do

not connect, so I gave up!

Bev

[Guest guest]

Bev I can be of to fully understand of you words below this is of much of my

life every day and having such a day this day. I to have to go out this day to

buy pet supplies and flooring for missy's room. sondra

I attempted to connect with the other adults while at the theater, but the adult

aids that were there seemed to look at me as if I was from another plant.

We had nothing common

I could not connect, sometimes there just no common ground to make a connection!

If people are too different they do not connect, so I gave up!

Bev

[Guest guest]

I am what you might call a shadow of autism, I am not autistic, however my

daughter Jen is autistic. What is going on in my family could happen in any

family, I have to talk with a to lady counselor at my doctor's off and so has my

daughter Kim, my husband and I went to a marriage counselor this past summer. He

has been to talk to some counselor also, the situation has intensified due his

behavior and his illness. He illness could have a lot to due with his behavior

and feel that I must lookout for what is the best for my daughters and myself at

this point. I have reached out, due the isolation and my fears of what he is

going to next, which my lawyer has told to trust him and I do. It is just

difficult, I stay strong, but it is hard to watch as his behavior affects both

of my daughters in his attempts to break me down.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Bev honey, do your whole family a HUGE favor...Ask this man what his intentions

are. Where does he see this situation going on the path that it is on? Where

does he see himself in 10 years? In five? In one? What about next month? And

tomorrow?

 

If his ten year goal is kids in college and a happy marriage with you, as he

reflects to more current times, he will have to face up to some real changes

that need to happen.

 

Does he know how much he has changed? Does he see this as a 50/50 venture? Is he

blaming you and/or himself?

 

Help him help himself by getting him to reflect, oh and buy a cheep tape

recorder. Hide it somewhere and put it on long record...should be able to get up

to two hours. Then you can leave it for him one day with a note, please

listen...worked for my other half and I, we had no idea how bad we were to each

other, and I had no idea how unreasonable I really could be. If you can secretly

video tape him, that may be even more beneficial for him to see.

 

After all this, ask him to make a decision within the next month on WHAT HE

WANTS TO DO WITH THIS SITUATION.

 

If he decides he can't handle it, then your going to have to let him go.

 

My mother became a single parent after my half sisters' real father became very

physically violent to her and all four of her kids. Every family has problems,

autism does not make it easier.

 

The key is to be able to seperate out the added stress and put it in its very

own category. Much like when you walk out of the office after a long day, get in

your car, blast your radio, and move on with what is left of the day. If you

approach all stressfull situations with a " I am going to be just fine " attitude,

perhaps that stress won't be so overwhelming.

 

Parents forget that you can walk away or stand back from any NON LIFE

THREATENING situation. Take a moment to ground themselves. 10 deep breaths. A

brief interuption of thought to think about something other than what is

happening at that moment.

 

I have not read your origional post, so what I could gather from this one is

what I went with. I understand that he has an illness, I do not know anything

other than that. For a man going from Married with two beautiful kids, probably

a good job, and living the dream, to a man with a child on the spectrum and now

his own vulnerability and weaknesses, he must be angry...angry with himself,

God, the world...very angry. But he must also feel so small...this inner picture

may not be one of reality, but it could very well be his reality.

Perhaps he does not feel good enough for his family anymore, that he has failed

you and the girls, and perhaps he is pushing at all of you to distance himself

from those feelings of inadequatcy.

 

If that is indeed the case, perhaps he needs to be gently reminded of what he

really means to his family. That he is no less of a man, that he is still very

much the beloved father, and damn it: It is about time that he became part of

the give and take of what a real family is all about. So he needs to take a

little more right now. He has to know that it is okay to be human.

Keep your head up, but remember we don't always have to stay strong. We all need

a time to release the preasure off of our shoulders, let the tighness go from

our backs, and sometimes to just lock ourselves in the bathroom and have a real

good cry. So long as you continue on afterwards is all that really matters.

 

Good luck to you!

 

http://speakup.today.com

Autism helping Autism

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Wednesday, April 1, 2009, 5:29 PM

I am what you might call a shadow of autism, I am not autistic, however my

daughter Jen is autistic. What is going on in my family could happen in any

family, I have to talk with a to lady counselor at my doctor's off and so has my

daughter Kim, my husband and I went to a marriage counselor this past summer. He

has been to talk to some counselor also, the situation has intensified due his

behavior and his illness. He illness could have a lot to due with his behavior

and feel that I must lookout for what is the best for my daughters and myself at

this point. I have reached out, due the isolation and my fears of what he is

going to next, which my lawyer has told to trust him and I do. It is just

difficult, I stay strong, but it is hard to watch as his behavior affects both

of my daughters in his attempts to break me down.

Bev

[Guest guest]

When under stress every one has difficulty make connections with others when

there is limited common ground to make that connection and it not unusual when

for anyone to experience feeling not wanting to leave home when the world around

you is under stress including your children. Just because I have some of the

positive characteristics of autism that does not make me autistic, because I

function. Just because I was capable of preforming counting when gambling, I see

this very logically that again does not make me autistic, it simply makes smart

enough to beat the system and then understand that what other was perceiving as

gambling, but I realized it was simply increasing odd to my favor. With that I

lost interest in playing the odds when winning because too easy. I understand

what i have been through in mental, emotional, and physical abuse, but I am

intelligent enough that I need to move toward a positive life for my children

and myself. I need to not play his games, concentrate on my daughters and

improving my world to make it a safe and health environment and this is my goal.

When I was at a counselor at the family doctors office, she is a doctor, she

told me I was fine and I still believe she correct, because I am functioning and

working when ever work is available. I am improving my world and I am increasing

my circle of friends. I am moving on to a better life, deal with my daughter

problems, and the problems of my world beyond issues that deal with my children.

I appreciate that I am a shadow of autism, but work toward helping my autistic

daughter move toward the shadow that I occupy. I do not want to cure her, but

make her life easier and teach her to talk which is what is occurring with the

use of the drug Namenda. Her comprehension has increased over the last months as

her increase in language is increasing, which if you think about it is logical,

because same happens a so called normal child progresses from age 2 and on. This

what need to concentrate upon for my daughter Jen. I need to stabilize our

environment for both my daughters and myself. This will be easier accomplished,

if my husband would stop the head games, which I must not allow to affect me.

For his own monetary gains and needs he feels his behavior appropriate, or he

would not be acting in this form. I can not control my husband's behavior, but I

can to my best to improve my world.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Talking with is impossible, because he raves. He want me to make my lawyer make

him an offer, yet he will not hand in paper work. He tells me one thing then he

does another, then he repeats what I have just said to him, head games. He has

no goals with us, other than to tear me down, so he can take advantage of me in

a weak state so as to complete his 2 year plan, which turned into a 10 year +

plan, and that is to do anything he wants, It commonly know as a mid-life crisis

and illness to intensify him needs, it is his plan. I do not think he cares

about how much he has changed, he is only concerned about his well being. It is

easy to say him " I care " , but he did not give us any money to buy food or pay

bills for past 6 month, and in the past spring the same behavior occurred for

about 3 months. I am unemployment and I am work as substitute school teacher.

Look I tried to show him pictures and did everything I could thing of to make

him reflect and it was impossible. He know what he wants to do, " anything he

wants for the rest of his life " and that was his statement in front of me to his

doctor! He is arrogant and he has made his intentions clear to me and my

daughter Kim. I want to let him go, he wants to play head games to break me

down, so he can do better in a divorce, because he is after monetary gains, made

that very clear when I unformed him that items that were mine before marriage,

do not belong to him. He became angry and hung up the telephone. He just decided

that things he wanted should be his, by his choice and that not the law in

Pennsylvania. You do not know all the details, that's ok and I feel that what I

am doing is to protect my children and myself, family doctor agrees, and has

suggested that I take the girls and move out. He has moved out and I hope he

stays out, which I told him and he said he is going to call his attorney. My

comment was " Good! " , he is a manipulated, head games, he gets some from of

gratification from my and his daughters behavior and his control. I am beyond

crying, I defined the problem and the only solution is divorce, there is no

other choice, this is what he wants, and at this point Pennsylvania prohibits

returning back, which there is no way I am going through or my children are

going through this ever again. I believe he getting advise from someone other

then his attorney, because there is no way that an attorney would advise him to

act the way he acting. Attorneys work toward making everyone live easier, they

do not advise people to play head games, Pennsylvania is very straight forward

in divorce law and he believes that by playing head game he can achieve his

goals, and this not acceptable for my daughter and myself. I should worry only

about my daughter and myself, appreciate your advise, but I feel that after the

last few days I on the right tract and way beyond being concerned about his head

games and manipulation, but thank you.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Bev I am so sorry that you are living through this nightmare. When

marriages break down it is so desperately painful. I know this myself

having gone through it, and now eight years later still being dragged back

to court constantly. It is deeply upsetting to deal with.

From my own experience, and from having worked in several shelters for

assaulted women can I make a suggestion to you. ?

Every conversation you have with him will intensify your emotions and his.

It would be much better if you cease any communication with him. Ask your

lawyer to write him a letter that advises him to direct any of his concerns

to him and not to you. When he calls say only, please contact my lawyer

with any of your concerns. Then hang up. Do not take calls or visits from

him no matter what. You will find peace this way. This way he can't

manipulate you and and you can't be drawn into his head games. The insanity

of trying to change him will drive you insane. Nothing you can do or say

will alter his thinking.

Trust me, I know how hard this is to do. If he calls, write down the

time and date of his call and give it to your lawyer. If he comes to your

home, do not open the door to him. Calmly tell him to leave and have his

lawyer contact your lawyer. Then write down the date of his attempted

visit and again inform your lawyer. If you can do this it will be better

for you. I have learned this the hard way. All issues can be dealt with

between his lawyer and your own. This will save you a great deal of

emotional turmoil.

This will also protect your daughter from witnessing any raised upset

voices. She deserves peace. When we are upset, our children become

disturbed confused and frightened. They can't be subjected to conflict.

This will help protect your little girl.

It is so very sad that you must face all of this. I send my warm

thoughts our to you and to your precious daughter. Jay

-- Re: The dark side of autism

Talking with is impossible, because he raves. He want me to make my lawyer

make him an offer, yet he will not hand in paper work. He tells me one thing

then he does another, then he repeats what I have just said to him, head

games. He has no goals with us, other than to tear me down, so he can take

advantage of me in a weak state so as to complete his 2 year plan, which

turned into a 10 year + plan, and that is to do anything he wants, It

commonly know as a mid-life crisis and illness to intensify him needs, it is

his plan. I do not think he cares about how much he has changed, he is only

concerned about his well being. It is easy to say him " I care " , but he did

not give us any money to buy food or pay bills for past 6 month, and in the

past spring the same behavior occurred for about 3 months. I am unemployment

and I am work as substitute school teacher. Look I tried to show him

pictures and did everything I could thing of to make him reflect and it was

impossible. He know what he wants to do, " anything he wants for the rest of

his life " and that was his statement in front of me to his doctor! He is

arrogant and he has made his intentions clear to me and my daughter Kim. I

want to let him go, he wants to play head games to break me down, so he can

do better in a divorce, because he is after monetary gains, made that very

clear when I unformed him that items that were mine before marriage, do not

belong to him. He became angry and hung up the telephone. He just decided

that things he wanted should be his, by his choice and that not the law in

Pennsylvania. You do not know all the details, that's ok and I feel that

what I am doing is to protect my children and myself, family doctor agrees,

and has suggested that I take the girls and move out. He has moved out and I

hope he stays out, which I told him and he said he is going to call his

attorney. My comment was " Good! " , he is a manipulated, head games, he gets

some from of gratification from my and his daughters behavior and his

control. I am beyond crying, I defined the problem and the only solution is

divorce, there is no other choice, this is what he wants, and at this point

Pennsylvania prohibits returning back, which there is no way I am going

through or my children are going through this ever again. I believe he

getting advise from someone other then his attorney, because there is no way

that an attorney would advise him to act the way he acting. Attorneys work

toward making everyone live easier, they do not advise people to play head

games, Pennsylvania is very straight forward in divorce law and he believes

that by playing head game he can achieve his goals, and this not acceptable

for my daughter and myself. I should worry only about my daughter and myself

appreciate your advise, but I feel that after the last few days I on the

right tract and way beyond being concerned about his head games and

manipulation, but thank you.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Bev, the first rule of thumb in the abuse board I belong to is to take care of

YOU. It sounds like you have every understanding that taking care of yourself is

vital. You are way ahead of most women I know who face emotional and mental

abuse on an on-going basis. You sound like you are strong and determined. I just

know from a long history of supporting women and having had to heal from such a

relationship myself that it is easy to get tired of the fight. Keep in contact

with your support network. Keep fortifying yourself through your own

accomplishments. You are setting a wonderful example for your girls that valuing

yourself is paramount to finding happiness in this life. ~~~Aggy

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Wednesday, April 1, 2009, 10:51 PM

Talking with is impossible, because he raves. He want me to make my lawyer make

him an offer, yet he will not hand in paper work. He tells me one thing then he

does another, then he repeats what I have just said to him, head games. He has

no goals with us, other than to tear me down, so he can take advantage of me in

a weak state so as to complete his 2 year plan, which turned into a 10 year +

plan, and that is to do anything he wants, It commonly know as a mid-life crisis

and illness to intensify him needs, it is his plan. I do not think he cares

about how much he has changed, he is only concerned about his well being. It is

easy to say him " I care " , but he did not give us any money to buy food or pay

bills for past 6 month, and in the past spring the same behavior occurred for

about 3 months. I am unemployment and I am work as substitute school teacher.

Look I tried to show him pictures and did everything I could thing of to make

him reflect and it was

impossible. He know what he wants to do, " anything he wants for the rest of his

life " and that was his statement in front of me to his doctor! He is arrogant

and he has made his intentions clear to me and my daughter Kim. I want to let

him go, he wants to play head games to break me down, so he can do better in a

divorce, because he is after monetary gains, made that very clear when I

unformed him that items that were mine before marriage, do not belong to him. He

became angry and hung up the telephone. He just decided that things he wanted

should be his, by his choice and that not the law in Pennsylvania. You do not

know all the details, that's ok and I feel that what I am doing is to protect my

children and myself, family doctor agrees, and has suggested that I take the

girls and move out. He has moved out and I hope he stays out, which I told him

and he said he is going to call his attorney. My comment was " Good! " , he is a

manipulated, head games, he

gets some from of gratification from my and his daughters behavior and his

control. I am beyond crying, I defined the problem and the only solution is

divorce, there is no other choice, this is what he wants, and at this point

Pennsylvania prohibits returning back, which there is no way I am going through

or my children are going through this ever again. I believe he getting advise

from someone other then his attorney, because there is no way that an attorney

would advise him to act the way he acting. Attorneys work toward making everyone

live easier, they do not advise people to play head games, Pennsylvania is very

straight forward in divorce law and he believes that by playing head game he can

achieve his goals, and this not acceptable for my daughter and myself. I should

worry only about my daughter and myself, appreciate your advise, but I feel that

after the last few days I on the right tract and way beyond being concerned

about his head games and

manipulation, but thank you.

Bev