Re: dealing with school worries (long)

[Guest guest]

- I commend you for the energy to homeschool but why do you think there

would be no difficult situations because of the school atmosphere. My

daughter would not consider her home a school atmosphere just because I said

we are now having school. If I did not have that break during the day, I

would not be able to cope! I am sure she would just ignore me when I said it

was time to work, just as she does now! Your children must not be that

oppositional. Also, daughter has severe personality disorders and needs all

the practice she can get in social situations. Ellen

[Guest guest]

Hi , I felt the need to respond to your post as I hear what you are saying

about homeschooling, but I also see what those of us who are not in a position

to homeschool are going through in order to educate our children. To

homeschool, you really must have an intact, fairly functional marriage, with

both parents committed to this type of lifestyle - many of us who are raising a

child/children with OCD and other issues do not have the benefit of this type of

situation. Also, many of us are single parents or have a spouse who has the

same/similar issues to those of the child/children who are affected by OCD. We

are single parenting in a 2 parent home Then there are those of us whose

strengths do not lie in the places that one would have to have strengths in

order to teach children, whether their own, or someone else's. For those of us

who need to work, we do not always have the gift of one spouse making enough

money to support our family, homeschooling is not an option.

Then there are those of us whose child not only has OCD, but many other

disabilities that complicate the educational process...we would have to go back

to school to get many more degrees in order to understand what the best way to

educate our child would be....the situations go on and on.

It is my opinion that homeschooling does not work for everyone - part of

accepting the differences in this world is being non-judgemental about the

choices we make for our lives and the lives of others. For me, one of the

reasons for being a parent and a moderator on this list is to have a safe place

for me to vent my frustration, upset, anger, etc. I do not have the choice to

homeschool....I have to work and my child's needs are so severe at times, that

there is NO WAY that I would be able to trust his education to another Mom who

knows nothing about learning disabilities, etc . In other words, homeschooling

is not an option that would be workable. It is wonderful that it is working for

you, but please remember that if it may not be the best choice for everyone - it

is also possible that it may not always be the best choice for you and your

sons. Life has a way of throwing us curve balls that we were not

expecting.......

We need to be tolerant of the anger that is expressed here on this list. Part

of the reason for this list's existence is to give a safe haven for us to vent,

when necessary. I would never tell anyone that one way or another is always the

best way to educate their child, whatever works the best for a given is the

best way - no matter of it is in a traditional setting, a private school or a

homeschool.

Blessings, in Southeastern PA

I almost walked away from all this, but after receiving the second digest

post where the main theme throughout the notes from many of you are about

" how hard it is dealing with the school " , I felt I had to respond. I don't

preach and I certainly don't shout from any roof tops about homeschooling.

But honestly, I just don't get it. Why do so many of you expend the energy

that you do to combat the school's set up? So many of you bemoan and are

nervous about what to expect this coming year due to past negative

experiences. You work so hard trying to find the best program. No doubt you

love your children and they are worth every bit of energy we can give. So

many people - teachers of the year and others have spent years trying to fix

the system now are strong advocates of homeschooling.

Problems with searching for the right school, problems with principals,

teachers, or aides who are not right for your child, problems with bullies,

problems with testing, etc - is it really worth all the energy? No need to

answer me but I hope you give it some thought for yourselves. Homeschooling

is not hard at all. You would not have to deal with " difficult situations "

that occur because of the school setting. Consider using that energy to have

a home life where you and your child live together in a much less stressful

environment and grow closer as a result. I am sure that your child's

troubling behaviors escalate as a result of school's pressures. I bet they

would decrease if the child was in a home environment that was loving and

relaxed.

Many families are content with what school provides and their children seem

to do ok but for those of you who are struggling, I ask you to ask yourself

whether it is worth the price. People some times make up excuses why they

can't homeschool but really in my opinion if you are fighting the system,

you are better off creating your own system where there will be things under

your control.

I have four sons ages 6 to 14. One son is borderline (not diagnosed by a

professional) ADD and another has mild OCD (diagnosed) who is undergoing

therapy (no meds). I thank my lucky stars that our family has homeschooled

from day one. All of my children have a relatively high level of self-esteem

partially because they have not been subjected to peer pressures, bullying,

or any of that stuff that occurs so often in schools. They all love to learn

and are eager to explore the world around them. My teenaged son shows none

of this rebellion stuff and is kind and loving because it is the only model

he has seen. My OCD son has some OCD issues that have affected him. I am

glad he is home so that his issues are not compounded by the school system.

School is not a good preparation for real life. That is a myth that has been

perpetuated by the system. My four sons have been living in the " real " world

since they were born and they know how to deal with the real world.

I apologize in advance to everyone especially if I made anyone feel

defensive about their choices. That is not my intent. I just don't get it

when people are sooooo unhappy about school and they complain but then turn

around and tell me homeschooling is not a good idea!! People have been

trying to " fix " schools for many years now without success. Meanwhile so

many of the kids in the schools are suffering. Bullying and hurtful teasing

is not normal. It is harmful and it hurts people for the rest of their

lives. It should not be acceptable in any form yet our society says it is

ok. Once I graduated from high school and entered the real world, I never

experienced bullying or outright meanness. I experienced competition and

politics in the workplace and such but nothing of the kind of stuff I went

through while attending school. I grew up in NYC and school was a very

unsafe place to be. I feared for my life daily especially during my junior

high years. That was not healthy.

I watch my kids play and learn about life. I envy them. They are so free of

the fears that I grew up with. Don't let me give you the wrong impression

that our lives are an utopia. Of course not, we do have sibling rivalry and

many days when I feel like wringing my children's necks. grin. Still it is a

world of a difference between my family and those that go to school. This is

true of many homeschoolers - all kinds: secular and religious, unschoolers,

school at home.

I will now get off my soapbox (and hopefully stay off, grin).

I wish all of you the best of luck in getting your children's needs met.

-

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[Guest guest]

Hi

I maybe should be careful hear but kind of want to say this. I certaintly do

not want to start any flame wars. I'm pretty familiar with the benefits and

pitfalls in whatever choice we make for our kids schooling.

I've stuck with the public school system. No. 1 its my right and i feel there

are benefits in my situation to the public school system. Thats an important

point its my situation. Its impossible to judge what peoples choices are and

why. I can certainly afford private school but felt public was a better

option. That meant that i had to fight alot for my kids. Problem is finding

an appropriate private school.

What do i get out of fighting. I felt that it was my right to send my

children to go to a public school. They wanted to and it was their right to

receive an appropriate education from the public school sytem. So that meant

i had to fight for their rights which has also taught them alot about self

advocacy. There is really no reason my children should not attend a public

school. There is a woman i know who lives in New Orleans where the public

school are horrific. So she put her kids in private school with a program for

LD kids. She has a worse time getting proper accomodations than many in

public schools. However in her situation the public school system is not

really an option for just pure safety and basic education issues.

I also felt that i needed to do this for other children who are going to go

through the system who perhaps do not have the choices i have with my

children or the ability to advocate for their children as i have . It has

always pained me to see others in need. I know i've made a difference in our

school system. I know i've made a difference for other children who needed

proper identification and appropriate accomodations.

I've educated school staff on my childrens particular disabilities. I've

gotten our special ed director to conferences. It may sound like gee what a

good school. It just hasn't been that way and has taken alot of work and

frustration, pain and tears. It has also given me alot of satisfaction and

has made a difference in my childrens education and others that may come

through our school.

My NLD daughter who struggled so much with school has made honor roll all

last year. This was only through proper accomadations and modifications. This

took years for me to get for her.Guess what she will have a teacher familiar

with teaching an NLD kid next year. Why because i helped this mother advocate

for her child and get a proper dx last year. Her son was having a terrible

time with her son prior to proper dx and last year was the first good year

her son had. The case manager was also able to use the formula we had in

place for our daughter.

Having said all that. I know parents who are in a situation that really need

to homeschool and there are wonderful ways to do it. I know parents that have

kids in private school and are doing wonderful. I know parents who have a

terrible time with all of the above. It just all depends on your situation,

your childs needs and what is appropriate and what you are personally capable

of.

The important point i think in these forums is to be supportive of each

others choices and perhaps learn from the successes and mistakes we all make.

If we reflect on our own personal experiences and not judge others without

knowing their situation you can pull from it what you may think might work or

not in yours. Thats all!

Regards, Dave

[Guest guest]

Eve- I have a similar situation but not from the school concerning

discrimination but in our neighborhood. My daughter has been kicked out of

many homes and this is understandable -her behavior can be pretty horrific at

times. Likewise, because of this, some of these parents avoid our whole

family now! I have tried to explain the disorders but it seems people

understand OCD or BP until they have to deal with the obnoxious, instigating

behavior. Some of my friends and neighbors have been wonderful and caring

but others have just closed us out. My children are not a reflection of me

and I resent the fact that my relationship with people was fine until my

child started having trouble with their children. Oh well-such is life, I

guess. Good luck to you. Ellen

[Guest guest]

Hello,

This is literally my first evening on this listserve, and already I'm

finding others with the same frustrations about OCD and their kids and

schools. I just had to respond to the question of private school vs.

public school. My oldest son who is almost eight had an absolutely

terrible time last year in his private Montessori school when his OCD

really exploded. His teachers felt that any suggestions made by the

psychologist were not really in keeping with the Montessori method. Our

son Jibreel is also very bright, but walked around that classrooom for

almost 2 months washing his hands to the point of bleeding knuckles,

having bathroom accidents and fighting every fear in the book. When the

medication and the therapy began to help, we had already decided to pull

him from Montessori and place him in public school, where it is our

right to have him educated with respect and dignity.

However, he was placed in a school that has just about the worst

reputation in our county. I met with the principal and she herself was

deeply worried that Jibreel's OCD could make him socially vulnerable,

although she felt herself committed to backing him up in whatever way

possible. We appealed his placement, had his doctors write to the

county school district, but nothing worked. We tried to get him back

into Montessori, but have recently been turned down (although they did

promise him a spot weeks ago) because of my and my husband's

" disrespectful " behavior.

School started already here in Georgia. I had an IEP meeting with

the Special Ed people and the teachers of the Gifted Program and his

regular teacher at this new school and I have to say, their concern and

knowledge touched me. they have welcomed Jibreel with open arms,

literally. But this is a school with safety issues and is only now

pulling itself out of the intellectual dregs (the student body is 90%

poor and 90% minority - what an oxymoron- 90% minority) and has missed

out on, or been deprived of a lot of the county's resources.

Forgive me for rattling on but there is one more twist to the

story: Jibreel tested for the elite prep school here and the admissions

office called us immediately, thrilled with his results. But when they

learned of his OCD (another story), they pulled back. One admissions

officer had the nerve to say they had to protect the other students.

So here we are. How do you handle the discrimination? I feel so

angry and almost ferociously protective of my son. But the anger is

only increasing, and it is alienating me from many others.

Thanks for reading this rant.

Eve

[Guest guest]

Eve-thanks. My husband and I dropped Eileen at the mall tonight with a

friend and went out to dinner to celebrate our 27th wed anniversary. As we

sat there waiting for our entree, I told him, just think, if it wasn't for

us, there would be no Eileen and things might be boring and normal! He said

" yes, normal-what a concept! " But you know, no matter how crazy any of our

lives become, I don't know if we would ever trade what we have. Do we really

want to go thru life with no calls from principals, schools, and

neighbors??????? If you get a lemon, make lemonaide-I must ask-what if your

lemon is rotten......Well, I decided, if it is rotten, you must rescue as

much of it as you can and work with what you've got! Ellen

[Guest guest]

Dear Ellen,

My heart ached for you and for your child. It's really incredible

how OCD raises up issues of dependence and individualization. But I do

think the suggestion of letting people know beforehand may really be

helpful (if you've become too furious with those who've dissed you in

the past, perhaps with new people around).

I wish you all the luck, and thanks for responding to my message.

Eve

[Guest guest]

Well said. Given our situation, we hung in the public school system as well

and had a long, drawn out fight that continues till this day a my daughter

nears graduation. Even though I am a psychologist and I brought other

consultants in with me, our school system was incredibly rigid, and of course

our daughter suffered. To have to put up with failure when you are already

dealing with OCD is cruel. As the years went on, they became more and more

accommodating to the point that they have made special exceptions for her

graduation requirement. My argument was that if they had had the appropriate

program for her in place from the outset, she would not be behind today.

After some initial resistance, when I threatened to take it over their heads,

we got our graduation accommodations. A shame they had to put us through

this for such a long time.

Alarmingly, today I learned that the town has an alternative program

which no one ever told us about. I found out from another parent.

Although the school continues to act as they are doing us such great

favors, in reality they show how limited their knowledge really is in these

matters.

Good luck

Mamimiz