Re: dealing w/defiant behavior

[Guest guest]

HI Aunt Zeus:

Hugs to you. I am so slow in reading posts that I expect things are

going differently for you and Chase now just due to the passage of

time.

We found that we had to set some pretty firm and consistent

boundaries with Steve about his behaviors, both the obnoxious pre-

teen and OCD kind. It may seem mean to have consequences for OCD

behaviors, but once our kids are actively in treatment they need all

the encouragement they can get to adjust their behaviors.

Stimulants can affect our kids and worsen other non-ADHD symptoms.

IT is very tricky to balance the meds for comorbid OCD and ADHD, I

hope you have a skilled psychopharmacologist to work with. I suggest

you tell the doc what you are noticing and perhaps some augmentation

with another med will help to control this.

The worries you express about Chase are very familiar to me and I

still have these worries about Steve when it comes to the socializing

part. We did find that kids were more understanding when Steve was

younger, he was diagnosed in 5th grade and has now just finished

9th. His OCD is generally manageable and he is functioning very well

academically, but this takes it out of him and he needs down time

(and computer time!).

I hope you can get some time for yourself to take it easy. Is there

some way you can schedule a break for yourself, even if it is too

brief. IF you can do something which will recharge your batteries

and remind you that there is life outside of being Chase's mom, you

will feel renewed energy for the challenge that we all know of being

a parent of a beloved OCD child. BTW, YOu will definitely get your

life back :-) Take care, aloha, kathy (h)

kathyh@...

> Chase was been very defiant to me and at school but has been ok w/

> Dad. I am losing my patience. This morning he kicked the seats in

the

> car all the way to school, about 35 min. drive and pulled on the

> passenger seat belt. It was so distracting. I went into school to

> talk to the prinicpal and she said Chase is much better on the

> Adderall then the Adderall xr but he is very angry and defiant. She

> has no seen him like this and it seems the OCD is worse.The school

is

> closing in May and they are combinig w/ 2 other schools and I know

> Chase has major anxiety over this change. I think it has to do w/

the

> whole abandoment issue, (Chase is adopted), But this behavior is

> unacceptable!! Today, as he was leaving school he had written

the " b-

> word " on a post it note and had it in his hand. Of course the

teacher

> saw it and now he is getting a blue slip tomorrow. I asked him why

> would you write that down, he said he just had too. He wanted it w/

> him for the afterschool program. I'm trying hard to understand all

of

> this. But it has been a difficult battle to get where we are today

> and it seems now we're going backwards. I AM SO TIRED!! I don't

know

> if I can do any more or if I even want to. I know God sent us this

> child for a reason, but I am overwhelmed. Chase will be 11 and I

can

> see changes in his body. How does the onset of puberty effect the

> OCD,ADHD ? I just want him to be happy and succeed. The kids at

> school at becomimg less tolertant of his hand washing etc and have

> begun to osterize him, not wanting him on their team etc. We see a

> pyschologist and Chase is in a social skills class weekly w/ other

> kids w/different issues, but I can see little improvement. When he

> gets home he doesn't want to leave beacuse of germs. On springbreak

> he was going to have a friend from school over but was afraid he

> would bring germs w/ him, so we didn't ask him over. How do you

deal

> w/ the ups and downs of this ? Will I ever get my life back?

[Guest guest]

hi,

My son used to be a very nice boy. but now he has Asperger's and OCD, he

became very argumentative, and defiant. of coourse he is a teenager(15.5

years old). It is really hard to handle. he refused to do if I asked him to

do anything. It is very frustrating. I am really angry at him. I guess I

am constantly in power stuggle with him. sigh...

I have a question, my son has 504 plan. I used to buy his math textbook from

BN.com, paying around 80$. I cannot afford to buy anylonger , it is too

expensive.

I heard he can get extra sets of textbooks. how can I ask? what can I tell to

school ?

have a wonderful day !!

sarah

[Guest guest]

Hi , Since your son has a 504 plan, I would suggest adding the extra set

of books as one of his accommodations. This particular accommodation is one

that is requested frequently and I would hope that the school will comply

without giving you trouble. If your son's school has a person who oversees 504

plan issues, then that would be the person to talk to. I am certain that you

also have a team of school personnel and yourself who meet periodically in order

to go over his 504 plan. You may need to request that the team reconvene in

order to have this accommodation put in your son's 504 plan. Best wishes,

in Southeastern PA

SSMLW@... wrote: hi,

My son used to be a very nice boy. but now he has Asperger's and OCD, he

became very argumentative, and defiant. of coourse he is a teenager(15.5

years old). It is really hard to handle. he refused to do if I asked him to

do anything. It is very frustrating. I am really angry at him. I guess I

am constantly in power stuggle with him. sigh...

I have a question, my son has 504 plan. I used to buy his math textbook from

BN.com, paying around 80$. I cannot afford to buy anylonger , it is too

expensive.

I heard he can get extra sets of textbooks. how can I ask? what can I tell to

school ?

have a wonderful day !!

sarah

Our list archives, bookmarks, files, and chat feature may be accessed at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group// .

Our list advisors are Gail B. , Ed.D., Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., Aureen Pinto

Wagner, Ph.D., and Dan Geller, M.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan,

Castle, Kathy Hammes, Joye, Kathy Mac, Jule Monnens, Gail

Pesses, Kathy , Vivian Stembridge, and Jackie Stout. Subscription

issues or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at

louisharkins@... or louisharkins@... .

[Guest guest]

Hi

You just go in and ask your case manager and tell them he needs an extra set

of books. There is no way you should be out buying an extra set yourself.

This is a simple accomodation that the school should have offered you in the

first place. Even if a kid breaks his leg he is allowed the accomodation of

extra books.

I would go out an buy Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child. It is a very

helpful book and it helped me alot with my daughter who has NLD which is

closely a kin to AS. As the person prior suggested it is partly a matter of

changing your expectations from your child. These invisible disabilities are

tough to manage and its tough for your child to manage. There are simple

expectations that we have of our children that are not that simple to them.

As Lavoie would say a child would rather seem angry or defiant than

stupid. So often they will choose the defiant route rather than feel

incapable. A child with AS or NLD has a great amount of difficulty

negotiating and understanding alot of the simple things around them. You have

to take a different tone and lots of explanations as to what you expect from

them. In other words you can't just say hang up your coat. They need more

explicit instructions when where why? Give them details in your explanations.

Often they will appear defiant because they really didn't clearly understand

what you meant by things. If you want them to change their behavior or

responses you have to explicitly teach them what those behaviors and

responses should look like. These are things other kids intuitevly learn from

a very early age but an AS kid might have never learned unless somebody

taught it to them.

Regards, Dave

[Guest guest]

Thank you very much Dave. When I asked school about extra sets of books,

school asked me to get a note from Dr. diagnosis and reason. I talk to the

P doc, she said she will be happy to write a note but she does not know what

to put reason. also, school said if my son has IEP, it is easier. but with

504, they need the notes from Dr. I have to give reason regarding his

academic problems. any ideas?

sarah

[Guest guest]

Hi

Something like.

Due to the underlying difficulties in Aspergers especially in an

organizational aspect. An extra set of books should be provided to reduce any

anxiety and undue pressure to perform so that your child may access the

curriculmn.

An AS child has difficulty with organizing and planning. They may have

trouble recognizing or understanding the consequences of their action. This

is not due to indifference but to your child's deficits. Your child should

not be penalized for their difficulty but encouraged. The more stress and

anxiety that is relieved the better your child will start to take more

responsibility. Something as simple as providing an extra set of books can go

a long way. For you and your child.

Put in writing a request to have your child's 504 planned altered to meet

this accomodation along with a note from the pdoc.

Good Luck! Dave

[Guest guest]

, I would ask the school district whose policy it is to ask for a

physicians note in order to have a second set of books on loan at home. Is the

policy in writing? It sounds like you are getting the run around........you

also might give them a copy of the symptoms that your son has so that they can

continue their education and become more familiar with how his disabilities

affect his life and consequently his learning. When a child has AD/HD a second

set of books is a most common accommodation in order to help offset problems

with memory and disorganization. Most kids with AD/HD have 504 plans, not IEP's.

in Southeastern PA

SSMLW@... wrote:

Thank you very much Dave. When I asked school about extra sets of books,

school asked me to get a note from Dr. diagnosis and reason. I talk to the

P doc, she said she will be happy to write a note but she does not know what

to put reason. also, school said if my son has IEP, it is easier. but with

504, they need the notes from Dr. I have to give reason regarding his

academic problems. any ideas?

sarah

Our list archives, bookmarks, files, and chat feature may be accessed at:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group// .

Our list advisors are Gail B. , Ed.D., Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., Aureen Pinto

Wagner, Ph.D., and Dan Geller, M.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan,

Castle, Kathy Hammes, Joye, Kathy Mac, Jule Monnens, Gail

Pesses, Kathy , Vivian Stembridge, and Jackie Stout. Subscription

issues or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at

louisharkins@... or louisharkins@... .

[Guest guest]

Hi :

I had to write and respond when I saw your son is 15.5, mine is too,

it is a tough age......

What helps in dealing with our son, Steve, is when his depression, he

has MDD, is under control. THen the " nice boy " underneath shows

through much more often. Has your son received any exposure and

response prevention therapy? This helped Steve a lot with his OCD

and accompanying oppositional behaviors although it did take a lot of

time.

Ihope you have some time for yourself just to decompress a bit.

Raising teens with NBDs is quite a challenge, but soon they are out

of the house and we miss them.

gave you an excellent response about the 504 accommodation of a

second set of books. When Steve got better we stopped letting him do

this as it would just reinforce his contamination OCD fears. Good

luck, take care, aloha, kathy (h)

kathyh@...

> hi,

> My son used to be a very nice boy. but now he has Asperger's and

OCD, he

> became very argumentative, and defiant. of coourse he is a teenager

(15.5

> years old). It is really hard to handle. he refused to do if I

asked him to

> do anything. It is very frustrating. I am really angry at him. I

guess I

> am constantly in power stuggle with him. sigh...

> I have a question, my son has 504 plan. I used to buy his math

textbook from

> BN.com, paying around 80$. I cannot afford to buy anylonger , it

is too

> expensive.

> I heard he can get extra sets of textbooks. how can I ask? what can

I tell to

> school ?

> have a wonderful day !!

> sarah

[Guest guest]

hi kathy ,

thank youvery much. I have a question about therapist. My son has

Asperger's too.

unfortunately, his therapist is not CBTherapist, he has lot of experience

with kids who have LD, ADHD etc. also my son's behavior is not simply OC.

one ofmy friend has ocd daughter, it is totally different with my son. she

seems has lots of friend and responded very well with CbT. now my son's Pdoc

added seroquel, hopely it helps him to be unstuck. whenever i see him, i am

worried for his future. and his siblings have hard time dealing with him.

my younest said the other day, " now I understand why the kids from the

dysfunctional family feels happy in school. I am happy at school, but our

home has high stress level, " I felt sorry for him.

sarah