Stills VS life in general

[Guest guest]

I read the posts about how movies affect some of us and got to

thinking...my life in general (in the way of interests & hobbies) was vastly

different than it is now. I mean, I never used to go a day without " jamming

out " to some real loud (I have a high end stereo that knocks pictures off of

every wall in the house...and even entertains the neighborhood!!! That can

be fun at times if someone " makes you a little mad at them " ) rock & metal

music. I had a CD changer in every vehicle I owned with multiple amplifiers

and the largest speakers I was able to fit. My stereo in the car was almost

always on loud....no radio... just discs of my music. Now I have a

minivan...granted the stock radio had to go under the hammer (I hate garbage

sound) and I upgraded the speakers with some old but good ones I had laying

around, but there are no amps....it doesn't go very loud or even vibrate my

rear view mirror.......and I often just have a radio station on. The only

time I have a disc in is if I'm on the road or the music on the radio sucks.

I use to have upwards of 100 discs in each of my cars...I think I have 5 or

6 in the van.....two Stones, a Neil Young, Slayer, AC/DC (on's

favorite) and Bowie (Chris's choice). My wife likes the Stones, AC/DC

and Bowie, but won't let me play Neil or Slayer when she's in the van. The

kids (especially on) like the hard stuff as well as regular rock &

roll, so we all listen to the same thing...pretty much. My wife's taste in

music and mine are miles apart....she like techno & dance, where as I'd burn

my speakers that I spent so much money on years ago if I ever heard it

coming out of them!!! LOL. We have some music in common, ranging from AC/DC

to the Stones........but that catalogue isn't too large.

I also used to fish every chance I had, and although I still fish, I went

from maybe 125 trips per year to about 25. I knew that I would lose time as

my children grew older for a little while, until they were old enough to

take. With everything being even, I still love to fish but have to force

myself to go half of the time. That was never the case as I used to go nuts

if I wasn't planning on fishing, making my own jigs & such, making my own

rods.......and now I really could care less many of the times.

I also used to travel quite often to visit my friends that had moved out

of the area....I know I don't have the money now...but even if I did I never

feel like going anywhere much anymore. I lost so much ambition it isn't even

realistic to me. I never, ever used to sit still for long, and although my

body requires it now...I now enjoy it more times than not. I can't even

recognize myself as to who I am now compared to my life pre-stills. Anyone

who knew me would swear that the real me was dead and I was a look-a-like

replacement. Don't get me wrong...I haven't changed my morals or

ethics....but my ambition...it is mostly used up. I still manage to have a

great time when I see a friend I haven't seen in a while, but as for my

friends that are close...I used to visit at least once per week and now I

hardly ever go to their houses.

I know many things I loved then and now would still be a major part of my

life if I had the money I used to, especially model railroading and railroad

history...speaking of which...if anyone on list has any RR history books and

is interested in selling them, please let me know...I have a rather large

library already.....but I'm sure there are some older books I've never seen.

I used to fish from ice-off through ice-on, and then I would build my model

railroad, go on trips to train shows to seek out new or old history books,

and maybe buy a model or two...or twenty. I don't have the money to build

what was going to be my " dream " layout as it would cost at least 5k...and

like an idiot (but who could've known) I cut up my old N-scale layout to

make room for the giant I was about to build. I had the framework finished

and was developing a track plan when I got " whacked " ...so now I have a ton

of trains and nothing to run them on. I'm hoping to get an opportunity to

build another small to moderate one so the kids & I can have something else

to do together, especially in the winter when there isn't much to do

outside.

I also used to LOVE quad & motorcycle riding in the woods...we used to go

out for 12-14 hours at a time....and now I've sold everything I had related

to that with the exception of a POS '84 Honda quad I kept with two helmets

so that I can teach the kids how to ride and they'd have something I can't

buy now. It may be old..and look it...but for what people do to these things

(beat the hell out of them) that doesn't matter. Mechanically it is

sound....yet it isn't too powerful (like the ones I sold) for the kids to

learn on. I have actually already taught my oldest son (Chris) the basics of

riding safely, and I even let him ride it without me up my parents' cottage

so long as he didn't go over 10 MPH. The dirt road up there is just under

2.5 miles long, and it took him about 15 minutes so I knew he couldn't be

going all that fast. My youngest is all upset that he can't ride alone yet,

but does enjoy when I take him on a woods ride....I just go slow so that I

don't hurt him or myself. Quad riding was one of the things I used to do at

least 5-6 times per month and now have next to no interest in it...partly

because I lost interest & partly because I know my body can't take any kind

of shot or I'm in deep trouble. Having Osteoporosis in my spine scares me

enough...I have no desire to break my back and wind up paralyzed! Yet I also

lost the desire...which kind of amazes me.

I know a lot of all of this probably stems from depression....but which

one of us that is in " not so great " of shape isn't at least a bit

depressed??? I know no pill could help with this....as no pill can give me

my old life back. I saw a shrink for awhile but that was kind of useless as

she seemed to want you out the door asap so she could make a ton of money in

a few hours per day. I found one psychiatrist that I really liked while

hospitalized in Hershey medical center....but he only works in the hospital,

and that is over 100 miles from me anyway. I still can't " see " how that can

change anything, so I don't go. I don't think I'm so depressed that I hate

life, as I love being with and doing thins with my kids........such as

taking them fishing or coaching football. I also am their " coach " in many

other ways as they both like to run (I ran track for 4 years to control my

weight for wrestling) and both of them can run two miles non-stop....my

oldest really likes it as he kind of drove me nuts insisting on running

every single night after football practice until it was late...and he was

mad that we couldn't go on school nights as he had to do homework and

such....he lived with that and now is real mad that it gets dark so early

and the track where I take them isn't lit up at night....... I also stay

ultra-involved in teaching them math & such as I truly DESPISE the way

things are in schools anymore.....is in 4th grade and they are still

teaching stuff he learned in 2nd grade as half of his class can't comprehend

it..and the teachers and schools are seemingly only teaching these kids to

pass the government mandated tests so they don't lose anymore federal &

state money. No child left behind is an atrocity! has 7 kids in his

class whose parents had them promoted to the next grade (social

promotion...something I thought only happened in large cities) that are

totally lost now, and that is holding back all of the children that CAN &

WANT to learn.....so my wife & I both make our boys do extra work at home,

regardless if they'll be tested on it or not. I'd never be able to forgive

myself if I were to allow their " natural " ability to learn go to waste. I

figure the whole damn thing is a massive conspiracy......if you keep those

of us who can't afford the expensive, private schools from sending our

children there they can almost guarantee that those in power will remain in

power.........dumb down the majority and rule them anyway you want to. I'm

not one of these conspiracy freaks...but this one seems to fit the mold.

Sorry for " wandering " ...I don't feel to great and can't seem to be able

to think straight (as happens quite a bit anymore) so I hope this is

comprehensible. Hope everyone has a good day (and night...and so on). Adios,

Kirk.

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Everything in life sucks except things that should!