Re: The dark side of autism

[Guest guest]

http://fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2009/032009/03132009/443812/index_html?page=3

dont we all wish we can do that (see link)

________________________________

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Sent: Friday, March 27, 2009 6:27:14 AM

Subject: RE: The dark side of autism

It is disturbing to think that any child could turn violent but there's a

lot of violence around for a lot of reasons and why should autistics young

people be so much different than the NTs.

I would love to think of my illness as one full of hearts and flowers but I

know that i have rages and that i haven't hurt anyone and have no such

intent but I can remember when my son turned 18 and just fell apart. Turning

a particular age has ramifications in this society and 18 is one big step. I

can see in hindsight how he felt adrift in the world with few recourses or

any future that he would want to experience. The jobs he had held were

pretty awful.

At one point he attempted to strangle me. He used to beat up his sister when

no one was around. He took his stepdads car at night when we were asleep. He

stole his credit cards. Finally he attempted suicide. He took things to pawn

He was dxed bipolar. There was no money for inpatient time. He was homeless

for a long time, refusing to even check out a homeless living situation. All

this time he was not using drugs or alcohol since he had gotten sober at 15

and was religious about his sobriety. He was in contact with some of his AA

and NA friends which is the way we got a little info on him aside from when

he broke in the house to eat and take a shower. He ended up in prison for a

time when his step father and his sister pressed charges against him.

Fortunately it wasn't a maximum security one.

Currently he is the father of five and has worked for the same company since

he was 25 or so. He was a single dad for years after his son's mother died.

I am not happy about the way he treats my grandson and the step

granddaughters. The youngest seems to me to be autistic though I have only

seen him once. I now wonder if my son has ASD like me. I also have a dx of

bipolar. I am hoping to sort out my problems with all my dxes with a

psychiatrist but I need to wait until the one I wish to see has an opening.

Perhaps am seeing this story through too much of my own story.

I also have a friend who is one of the most loving person I know who staffs

group homes. She has been assaulted and so have other staff by one

particular person. He is probably going to end up in a locked facility. My

feeling is that once a person goes the violence route it is hard for people

to accept that he changed (when he does) so it is hard to be released from

these institutions. Young men have such a hard time resisting the

temptation to be violent sometimes. I wish I knew how to show them why they

don't want to do it. Why they need to make the effort. Frustration and fear

are such a potent brew.

Most men who are not encouraged in some manner their violence will calm down

with age. One thing prisons do is encourage people to become more violent

rather than less so. Maybe someday we will have a systematic manner of

channeling aggression like many cultures do. We have lost that.

Meanwhile I still feel such rage when I think about certain things and feel

I have no control over my experience. I have thought about taking up

martial arts since it is all about learning to control ones impulses.

There are few moms who I would want to judge as poor moms. Most of them are

involved in drugs or alcohol and while I don't hate them I don't think they

should be responsible for the task of raising a child until they get sober.

I'm not so sure I did so well that I can look down on anyone. And I did do

the best I knew how. I have no idea if it was near enough. It's a tough

time and place to raise kids much less special kids.

I know a lot of ASD people will want to view all ASD people as " good "

people. But ASD people can do wrong things and hurtful things. We make

mistakes . We hurt people we love. It just makes us human. Not better or

worse.

Jen, I hope you don't think you have to defend yourself from me.

Nora

From: Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of jen

Sent: Friday, March 27, 2009 10:52 AM

To: Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com

Subject: Re: [Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women] The dark side of autism

I found this article extremely difficult to read, and the conversations

online that have followed it have been even more difficult for me today.

I've got 13 year old triplets with autism (2 girls, one boy), and we put my

son into a group home at age 7 because of his extreme self-injury and

aggression(I couldn't keep him safe from himself, and couldn't keep the

girls safe from him).

Today I had to make the decision to start him on Thorazine (at 13 years of

age), because he is hurting himself so badly, and putting himself and the

other group home residents at risk. I would prefer Thorazine to a lock-down

hospital, so we're going with that for right now.

One of the larger conversations that I followed today assumed that the

mother was abusing , and that's why he regressed in his late teens. I

was appalled at the return to the refrigerator mother syndrome.

Autism is a spectrum. My kids have had early intervention, and every safe

intervention and therapy that I could find since they were 20 months old. I

AM defensive about my decision to place my son in a group home, because

even though I've done autism and multiple birth support work for years and

have talked to thousands of people, no one ever wants to hear that there

are some situations where you just can't find a way to make things better.

I'll never stop trying to make life better for Dylan, but we haven't found

it yet.

I love my son so much that I die a bit more inside every time I think of

him living away from us. It's still a nightmare to me that he doesn't live

with us any more. I am lucky that he is in a good home, and that most of

the time his home and I agree on treatments, scheduling, and most things

about him, and that we get to see him regularly. Our big problem is

communication, because he literally eats every communication device that we

try. I still think that if we can get communication at least a little bit

nailed down then we'll be further ahead.

I have seen so many, many people today expressing sympathy for the poor mom

who wrote this article. I feel a lot more sympathy for . No matter how

bad it seems for his mom, at least she can write, and talk, and look for

support- avenues that seem to be denied to him.

I would just like people to realize that autism is a spectrum disorder,

which encompasses a great range of abilities and challenges. Almost every

other parent that I meet online is " trying something new and getting great

results (with a huge happy :-)!), getting through things, or fighting about

whether vaccinations or certain treatments are good or bad. Early

intervention and every therapy in the world does not " fix " everything. We

all want the best for our kids, and we all go through very bad things and

ask for support. I don't agree with everything that Ann Bauer wrote in the

article, nor do I agree with some of her conclusions. But as a parent of

kids who are all over the spectrum I think that maybe it's time for the

neurodiversity, anti-vaxxers, biomed advocates, moms who drink way too much

at dinner time in order to last until bedtime, parents who don't really

give a crap about anything except their career, autistic adults who can

communicate easily and parents of autistic children who take on too much

responsibility for

themselves at an early age- everyone, to acknowledge that autism IS a

spectrum.

Casdok <http://motherofshre k.blogspot. com/> is the only person who I've

ever seen adequately express what it is like to love your child enough to

let them live somewhere else in order try to make sure that they are safe,

and happy, and healthy, and her road

and her son's has not been easy.

Hug your children extra hard tonight. Imagine what it would be like if you

didn't know how their day went. That you didn't wake them up in the morning,

get them dressed, and send them off to school or run around the house like

crazy trying to clean up before the therapists got there. Imagine never

giving them a bath again, because you don't want to disturb their routine of

sensory baths before they go to bed at " home " . Imagine watching your child

run to the worker that he sees every single day, instead of you, when they

bonk their head on the playground.

I'm sorry that I'm having a meltdown here, but I've found some good friends

on this list and this has not been a good day. I know that every one of my

bad days is still better than most of the days that my kids face, but I'm

just feeling sorry for myself tonight because I've been defending myself all

day.

Jen

bridalsh wrote:

>

> http://www.salon. com/mwt/feature/ 2009/03/26/ bauer_autism/

> <http://www.salon. com/mwt/feature/ 2009/03/26/ bauer_autism/>

>

> The monster inside my son

>

> I found this story, it really made me think about my world and how very

lucky I am to have a daughter.

>

> I am so glad I have my daughter Jen. She is short and even though she

> has some weight on her, she is manageable. She making improvements in

> language due to the drug " Namenda " which I have told everyone about in

> previous posting and in fact her aggression has improved also. I am

> not sure if the improvement in the aggression is due to " Namenda " or

> just the fact that there has been a reduction of stress in our home. I

> am sure both changes have helped my daughter: I am so glad that her

> aggression has decreased and I feel so blessed that I have my daughter!

>

> Take Care,

> Bev

[Guest guest]

I just have work on my house, I could not live in separate house from my

daughter, I would miss her too much! She has the the best two play rooms in the

basement you ever did see, but her toys are all over the house. She has her own

TV room, and great wooden swing set with swimming pool out back! And, I think

built the house for now that come to think of it; her sister Kim, the

Dog, Guinea pig and I just live with ! That is kind of funny! LOL!

Bev

[Guest guest]

i can't be with people and i can't not be with people. I want to connect and

i'm afraid to try to connect. Nora

Nora this is of my life much so......this is of why i to hate to have to go

outside of my home and today was of having too much things to me and caused of

me to build to meltdown state. I to finally thinked to self just turn off the

phone and so did and put it away.

I to be of having some sort of virus things this week too. much headache and

tummy issues and not sleeping but then when I to finally fall asleep it is of

early early AM and so then find self sleeping until 10 am/ I to wake with the

head ache and back aches. my tummy is not digesting things well, bloating tummy

hurts and feels sick. it comes in huge waves. But had of to buy of grocery today

and pay of some bill things for the husband and then pick up the son about a 30

minute drive that was not on my plans but dumped to me unknowingly to me. then

the Aimee called and kept of to beg of me to take of her out for chinese this

day and I to be of told her many times no did not have of the time and she just

kept of calling thinking if she tried of different words that it would change of

my thinking to her. and then my son mike was of again not answering the text to

him of where he was at as this is of a real issues for him and it worrys of me

to not be of find of him for a few days, he is of almost 18 and thinks he does

not have to have of kids sorts of rules, and then the brother of me is of coming

to this home this weekend to help upgrade some of the home and flooring and so

we will almost finish missyes room and build of some rabbit hutches.

but this is of a too much for me day, and is of why in the real of life , life

outside of my office/sensory room is of too much for me. for the most part much

of my kids are of higher functioning aspergers sorts of teens/adults. but they

still struggle to problem solve, do life and be of independent. they still need

of suppports and some get of them and some do not.

my cat sensing of my overload took the anxiety in me as somethings to fear and

attacked of me in her onry way and leaped on me and tried of to claw and bite of

me not in a painful way but her way of saying you anxiety is of creating a fight

or flight response in me too. so she reacted in the fight mode.

then of yesterday my insurance sent of me a letter sharing for reasons I to not

understand that they were of no longer to cover of Dr. Amigo as a paid service

and this induced of instant fears and SIB and self rages from fear of what what

of happening to me. I to emailed of my Dr.Amigos office and told of them that

was of not allowed to come to see of him anymore. and what the insurance shared

and he got of a letter too and i sof going to appeal this.

sondra

[Guest guest]

I drove to Dutch Apple Theater in Lancaster, Pa. today, missed the exit got lost

when I was already lost in Lancaster. Passed the Lancaster Hospital and could

not find the place if I tried again. Somehow I found route 30 again was heading

back, found the correct exit, but again I almost got lost. My daughter teacher

told me to go south, I decide that my luck was against me, so I went North and I

was at the theater. I hate to go out my house! I hate to go out of the township,

let alone drive to Lancaster, but the play was wonderful and the food was great.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Bev i to rarily get of lost ever but the rest of you post below I to understand

ever so much my anxiety is of high even though some might not see of it or

understand of it but it comes out in mini meltdowns and some verbal words of

agitations. But once I to get to the place and regulate like you I to find it

enjoybalb the food and or event itself but not so much the people, but if some

are of familar to me I to like of that and will connect and enjoy it some. But

mostly want to be of home as soon as the event is of over but have been

practicint to stay and interact some before to leave to practice social skills

because to come and leave quick is of seen as rude. But if my anxiety is of high

will go the person who hosted the event and tell of them sorry and explain my

anxiety is of too high and need to leave.

I hate to go out of the township, let alone drive to Lancaster, but the play was

wonderful and the food was great.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Oh Sondra, If by Lancaster, you mean Ohio, I am so going to have to arrange to

meet you! We live about 30 mins from Lancaster Ohio. My H worked off of 33 for

about 11 years in Canal Winchester. I know there must be other Lancasters in the

world. But just thinking there may be another gran within a hundred miles makes

me feel calmer. ~~Aggy

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009, 11:14 AM

Bev i to rarily get of lost ever but the rest of you post below I to understand

ever so much my anxiety is of high even though some might not see of it or

understand of it but it comes out in mini meltdowns and some verbal words of

agitations. But once I to get to the place and regulate like you I to find it

enjoybalb the food and or event itself but not so much the people, but if some

are of familar to me I to like of that and will connect and enjoy it some. But

mostly want to be of home as soon as the event is of over but have been

practicint to stay and interact some before to leave to practice social skills

because to come and leave quick is of seen as rude. But if my anxiety is of high

will go the person who hosted the event and tell of them sorry and explain my

anxiety is of too high and need to leave.

I hate to go out of the township, let alone drive to Lancaster, but the play was

wonderful and the food was great.

Bev

[Guest guest]

Well I to live in Ohio but not sure how far from lancaster I to live in the

columbus areas near sawmill and 270 areas.

sondra

[Guest guest]

Well I to live in Ohio but not sure how far from lancaster I to live in the

columbus areas near sawmill and 270 areas.

sondra

[Guest guest]

My latest interest is in ways autism could be pathologized by a psychiatrist

or other " mental health " professional.

Could you see how this could look like agoraphobia to the uninformed MH

professional?

I have a bucket load of DXes and many of them are due to this.

Meanwhile today was awful since I had a sinus attack which completely

overwhelmed me with symptom when I was out shopping with husband who took

the worst of it. I came back and shut myself in my room so he would know I

was still dangerous (mostly to the ears as I do a not stop nagging ,

complaining or other miserable verbal thing which even I hate listening to)

.. he comes along as and knocks and I say what and he opens the door. I say

don't open the door just tell me what you need. He just dumps some items I

had wanted earlier and leaves. I just hate making both our lives miserable

when my sinuses put me on overwhelm.

I feel so guilty. Yet I did try an protect us by shutting the door which is

the agreed upon signal I m needing my own space.

And I feel there is nothing I can say to make it right. How many times can i

say I'm sorry . I sometimes thing AS should be AH for what I feel like I

behave as. 57 year of self forgiveness from a person who has problems

forgiving herself in the first place. I sam working on this but t is hard.

Somehow the ASD mind has problems with being less than perfect. I see it in

my husband and stepsons who are also on the spectrum. I feel like I am

beating up on tiny kittens when I act this way. It is so easy to hate me and

so hard to forgive. It can add up and become really acting out so easily.

The combination of being sensitive and acting out I such a BED combination

and I seldom use the word bad. I would rather be sensitive to your pain than

mine but mine makes such a fuss. It is like living with a unhappy infant on

the inside that no one but me can know is there. And yet that is me.

Oh well, < big sigh>

Thanks for listening/ reading

Nora

From: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls_and_Women ] On Behalf Of sondra

Sent: Saturday, March 28, 2009 1:37 PM

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

i can't be with people and i can't not be with people. I want to connect and

i'm afraid to try to connect. Nora

Nora this is of my life much so......this is of why i to hate to have to go

outside of my home and today was of having too much things to me and caused

of me to build to meltdown state. I to finally thinked to self just turn off

the phone and so did and put it away.

I to be of having some sort of virus things this week too. much headache and

tummy issues and not sleeping but then when I to finally fall asleep it is

of early early AM and so then find self sleeping until 10 am/ I to wake with

the head ache and back aches. my tummy is not digesting things well,

bloating tummy hurts and feels sick. it comes in huge waves. But had of to

buy of grocery today and pay of some bill things for the husband and then

pick up the son about a 30 minute drive that was not on my plans but dumped

to me unknowingly to me. then the Aimee called and kept of to beg of me to

take of her out for chinese this day and I to be of told her many times no

did not have of the time and she just kept of calling thinking if she tried

of different words that it would change of my thinking to her. and then my

son mike was of again not answering the text to him of where he was at as

this is of a real issues for him and it worrys of me to not be of find of

him for a few days, he is of almost 18 and thinks he does not have to have

of kids sorts of rules, and then the brother of me is of coming to this home

this weekend to help upgrade some of the home and flooring and so we will

almost finish missyes room and build of some rabbit hutches.

but this is of a too much for me day, and is of why in the real of life ,

life outside of my office/sensory room is of too much for me. for the most

part much of my kids are of higher functioning aspergers sorts of

teens/adults. but they still struggle to problem solve, do life and be of

independent. they still need of suppports and some get of them and some do

not.

my cat sensing of my overload took the anxiety in me as somethings to fear

and attacked of me in her onry way and leaped on me and tried of to claw and

bite of me not in a painful way but her way of saying you anxiety is of

creating a fight or flight response in me too. so she reacted in the fight

mode.

then of yesterday my insurance sent of me a letter sharing for reasons I to

not understand that they were of no longer to cover of Dr. Amigo as a paid

service and this induced of instant fears and SIB and self rages from fear

of what what of happening to me. I to emailed of my Dr.Amigos office and

told of them that was of not allowed to come to see of him anymore. and what

the insurance shared and he got of a letter too and i sof going to appeal

this.

sondra

[Guest guest]

I know I read your letter before I responded but in reading it now I think I

actually did not comprehend one word you said in my own anxiety so let me

correct that now. ( thank you email for letting me do this since face to

face relationships would not let me

See below

From: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls_and_Women ] On Behalf Of sondra

Sent: Saturday, March 28, 2009 1:37 PM

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

i can't be with people and i can't not be with people. I want to connect and

i'm afraid to try to connect. Nora

Nora this is of my life much so......this is of why i to hate to have to go

outside of my home and today was of having too much things to me and caused

of me to build to meltdown state. I to finally thinked to self just turn off

the phone and so did and put it away.

Been looking at the possibility of doing that

myself. I would lose a lot but I might gain the capacity to do better in the

future.

I to be of having some sort of virus things this week too. much headache and

tummy issues and not sleeping but then when I to finally fall asleep it is

of early early AM and so then find self sleeping until 10 am/ I to wake with

the head ache and back aches. my tummy is not digesting things well,

bloating tummy hurts and feels sick. it comes in huge waves. But had of to

buy of grocery today and pay of some bill things for the husband and then

pick up the son about a 30 minute drive that was not on my plans but dumped

to me unknowingly to me. then the Aimee called and kept of to beg of me to

take of her out for chinese this day and I to be of told her many times no

did not have of the time and she just kept of calling thinking if she tried

of different words that it would change of my thinking to her. and then my

son mike was of again not answering the text to him of where he was at as

this is of a real issues for him and it worrys of me to not be of find of

him for a few days, he is of almost 18 and thinks he does not have to have

of kids sorts of rules, and then the brother of me is of coming to this home

this weekend to help upgrade some of the home and flooring and so we will

almost finish missyes room and build of some rabbit hutches.

The things that totally derail ASD from her dreams, ambitions

and desires are just day to day things I think. Yesterday a really good

thing happened and I talked to my daughter so for a while I was relaxed

until the sinus thing happened. For all moms not knowing is an issue and for

moms with any AS traits much less ASD the whole thing is too much IMHO. The

overwhelm factor again. I hope I am saying this in a way you can

understand.

but this is of a too much for me day, and is of why in the real of life ,

life outside of my office/sensory room is of too much for me. for the most

part much of my kids are of higher functioning aspergers sorts of

teens/adults. but they still struggle to problem solve, do life and be of

independent. they still need of suppports and some get of them and some do

not.

my cat sensing of my overload took the anxiety in me as somethings to fear

and attacked of me in her onry way and leaped on me and tried of to claw and

bite of me not in a painful way but her way of saying you anxiety is of

creating a fight or flight response in me too. so she reacted in the fight

mode.

I have noticed animals doing these sorts of things. Perhaps

the reason I need a dofg is he gives me an early warning system as much as

anything. Got to talk to therapist about that one.

then of yesterday my insurance sent of me a letter sharing for reasons I to

not understand that they were of no longer to cover of Dr. Amigo as a paid

service and this induced of instant fears and SIB and self rages from fear

of what what of happening to me. I to emailed of my Dr.Amigos office and

told of them that was of not allowed to come to see of him anymore. and what

the insurance shared and he got of a letter too and i sof going to appeal

this.

Obama wants to keep the current health care set up and find

ways to include more people. I think this is a mistake since profit is not a

good reason to offer service. Reason is not the right word. But if my

intention is to keep you I will try to do that. If my intention is to try

and make a living off providing you with services I will do that. Intention

has a lot to do with why it doesn't work to have HMOs who need to show a

profit in business. Successful HMO deny services. Successful medical

treatments provide services. It's not their fault, it s what they have to do

to stay in business.

Sondra

Thank you Sondra

Nora

[Guest guest]

I know I read your letter before I responded but in reading it now I think I

actually did not comprehend one word you said in my own anxiety so let me

correct that now. ( thank you email for letting me do this since face to

face relationships would not let me

See below

From: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls_and_Women ] On Behalf Of sondra

Sent: Saturday, March 28, 2009 1:37 PM

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

i can't be with people and i can't not be with people. I want to connect and

i'm afraid to try to connect. Nora

Nora this is of my life much so......this is of why i to hate to have to go

outside of my home and today was of having too much things to me and caused

of me to build to meltdown state. I to finally thinked to self just turn off

the phone and so did and put it away.

Been looking at the possibility of doing that

myself. I would lose a lot but I might gain the capacity to do better in the

future.

I to be of having some sort of virus things this week too. much headache and

tummy issues and not sleeping but then when I to finally fall asleep it is

of early early AM and so then find self sleeping until 10 am/ I to wake with

the head ache and back aches. my tummy is not digesting things well,

bloating tummy hurts and feels sick. it comes in huge waves. But had of to

buy of grocery today and pay of some bill things for the husband and then

pick up the son about a 30 minute drive that was not on my plans but dumped

to me unknowingly to me. then the Aimee called and kept of to beg of me to

take of her out for chinese this day and I to be of told her many times no

did not have of the time and she just kept of calling thinking if she tried

of different words that it would change of my thinking to her. and then my

son mike was of again not answering the text to him of where he was at as

this is of a real issues for him and it worrys of me to not be of find of

him for a few days, he is of almost 18 and thinks he does not have to have

of kids sorts of rules, and then the brother of me is of coming to this home

this weekend to help upgrade some of the home and flooring and so we will

almost finish missyes room and build of some rabbit hutches.

The things that totally derail ASD from her dreams, ambitions

and desires are just day to day things I think. Yesterday a really good

thing happened and I talked to my daughter so for a while I was relaxed

until the sinus thing happened. For all moms not knowing is an issue and for

moms with any AS traits much less ASD the whole thing is too much IMHO. The

overwhelm factor again. I hope I am saying this in a way you can

understand.

but this is of a too much for me day, and is of why in the real of life ,

life outside of my office/sensory room is of too much for me. for the most

part much of my kids are of higher functioning aspergers sorts of

teens/adults. but they still struggle to problem solve, do life and be of

independent. they still need of suppports and some get of them and some do

not.

my cat sensing of my overload took the anxiety in me as somethings to fear

and attacked of me in her onry way and leaped on me and tried of to claw and

bite of me not in a painful way but her way of saying you anxiety is of

creating a fight or flight response in me too. so she reacted in the fight

mode.

I have noticed animals doing these sorts of things. Perhaps

the reason I need a dofg is he gives me an early warning system as much as

anything. Got to talk to therapist about that one.

then of yesterday my insurance sent of me a letter sharing for reasons I to

not understand that they were of no longer to cover of Dr. Amigo as a paid

service and this induced of instant fears and SIB and self rages from fear

of what what of happening to me. I to emailed of my Dr.Amigos office and

told of them that was of not allowed to come to see of him anymore. and what

the insurance shared and he got of a letter too and i sof going to appeal

this.

Obama wants to keep the current health care set up and find

ways to include more people. I think this is a mistake since profit is not a

good reason to offer service. Reason is not the right word. But if my

intention is to keep you I will try to do that. If my intention is to try

and make a living off providing you with services I will do that. Intention

has a lot to do with why it doesn't work to have HMOs who need to show a

profit in business. Successful HMO deny services. Successful medical

treatments provide services. It's not their fault, it s what they have to do

to stay in business.

Sondra

Thank you Sondra

Nora

[Guest guest]

We have been visiting OSU medical Center everyday for the past 3 weeks off 315

in town. We are on the east side of Columbus:)~~~Aggy

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009, 6:40 PM

Well I to live in Ohio but not sure how far from lancaster I to live in the

columbus areas near sawmill and 270 areas.

sondra

[Guest guest]

nora cats are of much like ASD sensitivities LOL they can sense things even if

they cant interpret it and they may react to it rapidly.... that is of what my

cat was of doing she was of reacting to my emotional state even if she did not

have of the cognitive ability to understand it or interpret it in language

format. she knew my negative energy was causing her to escalate in her own.

for the most part animals are of very good at keeping us balanced.

About Obama it is of a taboo topic here because it causes of the list to go

crazy here so will not comment of words over that.

but insurance my insurance is of a crazy one. it excludes coverage for autism

and so the treatment I to get is of over my anxiety , depression, PTSD, and

social issues. All parts of my own expression of autism but cant be of covered

under the dx of autism as my insurance exclude autism as a covered service.

I to be of wondering if you are of spectrum as you name is of new to me and so

not familar with the words of you or you name yet.

and about mental health misdx things yes yes much so a huge YES as they over

interpret what they see to mean something else in complete had of that issues

all of the life of me.

sondra

[Guest guest]

I also did a Bible study with the book " Boundaries. " I didn't agree with every

single thing in the book, but I think it's very good. It brings up a lot of

valid points about how to work with people who are manipulative.

Debi

[Guest guest]

Bev, before I spent two years in therapy, I also spend much time cleaning,

creating, mothering, and teaching. What I realized through therapy was that I

did those things because they gave me a sense of control. I could control how

everything around me looked. However, the inside of me spiraled into depression.

As I began to emerge from my depression, I realized I could enjoy my life

without feeling driven to clean it. I don't want to make this post a book. I am

trying to provide a short synapse. But the cleaning is a symptom. Through

avoiding conflict, you in essence tell your subconscious self that your feelings

are not important enough to communicate or be heard. Instead, like a good little

girl, you clean because people will notice you then, even if they never know how

you really feel. This is a pattern you have been in for many, many years. I do

hope, as you learn how to stand up for yourself, you become less stressed with

the messes and happier just

smelling the flowers. ~~~Aggy

 

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Monday, March 30, 2009, 10:16 AM

What ways did they suggest on how to work with people who are manipulative?

Sometimes I do not connect very well, in respect that I can be too passive,

rather than confront a situation, because I have problems connecting I just fine

something to do, like yesterday, I clean the majority of the downstairs for my

house, vacuumed, dusted, washed the kitchen, hallway, and dinner area on my hand

and knees and washed all the throw rugs. I picked up all the dog dirt in the

front and back yard from my collie dog and some trash that had blown in from

somewhere. I clean three bathrooms immaculately, I did all the laundry and

folded, most of it I put away. I have a little laundry to finish put away today,

but all of it is folder. I clean a few window, I have more to clean today. I

washed the kitchen counted and did and unbelievable amount of organizing though

out the house. I hung clean curtains and I planned how to make curtains from

fabric I bought years ago for my living room. I am planning on sewing the

curtains today. I also have plans

from more cleaning and organizing today. As you can see I keep my self busy

when I become stressed, three years ago plus, it was Girl Scout that I used as a

avoidance to confrontation and many times now, I like walking to reduce stress,

but cleaning, organizing and creating usually works the best, because then I can

look back at what I have completed and feel good about myself, rather than

arguing in a confrontation. I really like water color painting, pottery, reading

and sewing. I guess this a form of avoidance to an argument.

It is not that I am a clean freak, I just seem to get supper cleaning spurts to

reduce stress!

My mother walked in a was shocked at the change, but it was not really dirty

before, it is just now it is verging of immaculate. I still have a lot to do

today, so until my stress level drops I will continue clean create and repair

items. Last week I re-caulk the upstairs shower and tub. I guess it was two

weeks ago I cleaned out the dryer vents of lint. I been doing the majority of

the work around the house fro a long time, but in the last year by September I

have been doing all the work. The end of this past summer, I cut and replaced

the outside trim at the garage door using my table saw and then I painted the

trim and the front porch.

My husband really did not know how good he had it, because his jobs was to sit

in the garage listen to music or on the back porch, he watched TV. He would

complain when I did not have dinner ready on time and sometimes he would help to

make it move faster, or he would tell Kim she has to make dinner, usually it was

him give commands to Kim to make dinner, and during the school year I would

substitute teach too. He complained that I did not have job, when I worked for

five school districts as a substitute teacher, and work many days, I still do.

I am glad I stood up for myself, my girls and I deserve to have safe environment

and peaceful place to live. I am really proud of myself, but I still have a lot

to do today, well it does take my mind off my problems!

Bev

>

> I also did a Bible study with the book " Boundaries. " I didn't agree with

every single thing in the book, but I think it's very good. It brings up a lot

of valid points about how to work with people who are manipulative.

>

> Debi

>

[Guest guest]

I can see that, but it does make me feel good and beats just sitting down. I

love to sewing, so making curtains is a fun thing to do, plus I get to show them

off to the few people who wonder in. There was a time when we would have people

over, but it was always difficult for my husband, because he would complain

about everything, the house was never perfect, and he would order that the house

be cleaned the day before and he would become mean about it and not caring that

Kim might have home work fr school the next day! So I would run interference

between my husband and my daughter Kim. I would end up in rush of attempting to

please his demanding rampage. He would pile things in stacks up high that they

would fall on me later, and it was always this rush, life was never fun, was

always hurry up and rush, but I never did anything as good as anyone else in the

world. I would confront him about his comments and he manipulate the situation

say that I was using him to pick on when I was the person being accused been

unable to do things to standards, then I would say I was sorry, just advoid more

problems. it was a mad no win cycle and a game to win his approval, so that I

did not listen to the emotional and mental abuse. I was called a " label reader "

and because I became involved in Girls Scouts I was referred to as " Girls

Scout " . I was continually wondering how anyone could perceive, being a Girl

Scout as a negative, but between my husband and his parents it seemed to be

joke. I tolerated and I want to say " NO " and I even would speak up, but then I

would back down, because, but I really have no idea why I was tolerant, I guess

it is because it just grew to be that way and I really do not know why it grew

into that, but it did. I look back and I wonder how, and why, and I seem to have

no answers, just the questions, but I am a strong person and I will stay strong.

Bev

>

> Bev, before I spent two years in therapy, I also spend much time cleaning,

creating, mothering, and teaching. What I realized through therapy was that I

did those things because they gave me a sense of control. I could control how

everything around me looked. However, the inside of me spiraled into depression.

As I began to emerge from my depression, I realized I could enjoy my life

without feeling driven to clean it. I don't want to make this post a book. I am

trying to provide a short synapse. But the cleaning is a symptom. Through

avoiding conflict, you in essence tell your subconscious self that your feelings

are not important enough to communicate or be heard. Instead, like a good little

girl, you clean because people will notice you then, even if they never know how

you really feel. This is a pattern you have been in for many, many years. I do

hope, as you learn how to stand up for yourself, you become less stressed with

the messes and happier just

> smelling the flowers. ~~~Aggy

[Guest guest]

I think you're finding a very productive/positive way of dealing with all your

stress. All of it needs to be done anyway, why not?

I was laughing in agreement after Aggy wrote the info about cleaning as a means

to control what you can from my perspective. I know a couple of people who grew

up in horrid homes. One person's mom was severely mentally ill, the other grew

up in a one room shack with dirt floors with an abusive dad. Both of them are

freakishly clean about their homes & both will tell you it's because that's the

one thing they can control.

I was laughing even more because I found out late last week that I'm $11k short

in student loans to finish my BSN & can't get student loans right now because of

the economy. I'm normally an ADD slob around the house, but I've cleaned like

nobody's business all week, painting, scrubbing, organizing, etc. But it's not

overeating, it's not drinking, it's not spending money we don't have. Nothing

wrong with positive outlets, I guess the important thing is not to let it become

an obsession.

Debi

>

> I can see that, but it does make me feel good and beats just sitting down. I

love to sewing, so making curtains is a fun thing to do, plus I get to show them

off to the few people who wonder in. There was a time when we would have people

over, but it was always difficult for my husband, because he would complain

about everything, the house was never perfect, and he would order that the house

be cleaned the day before and he would become mean about it and not caring that

Kim might have home work fr school the next day!

[Guest guest]

I think my curtain (long valances) making is very positive and productive. I

completed two fro the living room windows and I now working on a double window

long valance for the dinning room windows. I am adding more trim and extra lace

to the dinning room one just to make it different from the other window and of

course special.

I bought the I used fabric years ago, because it was on the dollar rack at

wall-mart and I liked it, I never realized how nice it match with the shear

curtains until now. I am so glad I realized that it match so very nice!

Sometimes it is the little things in life, that really make life nice!

Bev

[Guest guest]

You just talked me in to getting my sewing machine serviced. I have fabric for

two different windows & my tension needs adjusting. Once I do that I can crank

out curtains in no time. Thanks for the motivation!

Debi

>

> I think my curtain (long valances) making is very positive and productive. I

[Guest guest]

You just talked me in to getting my sewing machine serviced. I have fabric for

two different windows & my tension needs adjusting. Once I do that I can crank

out curtains in no time. Thanks for the motivation!

Debi

>

> I think my curtain (long valances) making is very positive and productive. I

[Guest guest]

I want to tell you that the way to learn what keeps you from speaking up for

yourself is to enter therapy and have a trained therapist help you discover how

to recognize and label your emotions. Then, he or she can teach you how to

effective communicate your emotions through setting boundaries and limits on

what type of behaviors you will accept from others. But that is easy for me to

say. I am not autistic. I have no trouble communicating or recognizing social

cues. I do know a lady in our abuse group who is Autistic and going to therapy

to learn how to set boundaries with her husband. She often writes out what she

wants to say to her therapist because it makes her communication clearer. But

books like " Boundaries " , " Walking On Eggshells " , " I Hate You-Don't Leave Me " and

many others you can find through a search on relationship dynamics may help you

understand better. If you can participate in therapy without too much

frustration, it is really the best

and fastest route. Learning how to be assertive will change your life.

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Tuesday, March 31, 2009, 4:40 PM

I can see that, but it does make me feel good and beats just sitting down. I

love to sewing, so making curtains is a fun thing to do, plus I get to show them

off to the few people who wonder in. There was a time when we would have people

over, but it was always difficult for my husband, because he would complain

about everything, the house was never perfect, and he would order that the house

be cleaned the day before and he would become mean about it and not caring that

Kim might have home work fr school the next day! So I would run interference

between my husband and my daughter Kim. I would end up in rush of attempting to

please his demanding rampage. He would pile things in stacks up high that they

would fall on me later, and it was always this rush, life was never fun, was

always hurry up and rush, but I never did anything as good as anyone else in the

world. I would confront him about his comments and he manipulate the situation

say that I was using

him to pick on when I was the person being accused been unable to do things to

standards, then I would say I was sorry, just advoid more problems. it was a mad

no win cycle and a game to win his approval, so that I did not listen to the

emotional and mental abuse. I was called a " label reader " and because I became

involved in Girls Scouts I was referred to as " Girls Scout " . I was continually

wondering how anyone could perceive, being a Girl Scout as a negative, but

between my husband and his parents it seemed to be joke. I tolerated and I want

to say " NO " and I even would speak up, but then I would back down, because, but

I really have no idea why I was tolerant, I guess it is because it just grew to

be that way and I really do not know why it grew into that, but it did. I look

back and I wonder how, and why, and I seem to have no answers, just the

questions, but I am a strong person and I will stay strong.

Bev

>

> Bev, before I spent two years in therapy, I also spend much time cleaning,

creating, mothering, and teaching. What I realized through therapy was that I

did those things because they gave me a sense of control. I could control how

everything around me looked. However, the inside of me spiraled into depression.

As I began to emerge from my depression, I realized I could enjoy my life

without feeling driven to clean it. I don't want to make this post a book. I am

trying to provide a short synapse. But the cleaning is a symptom. Through

avoiding conflict, you in essence tell your subconscious self that your feelings

are not important enough to communicate or be heard. Instead, like a good little

girl, you clean because people will notice you then, even if they never know how

you really feel. This is a pattern you have been in for many, many years. I do

hope, as you learn how to stand up for yourself, you become less stressed with

the messes and happier

just

> smelling the flowers. ~~~Aggy

[Guest guest]

I want to tell you that the way to learn what keeps you from speaking up for

yourself is to enter therapy and have a trained therapist help you discover how

to recognize and label your emotions. Then, he or she can teach you how to

effective communicate your emotions through setting boundaries and limits on

what type of behaviors you will accept from others. But that is easy for me to

say. I am not autistic. I have no trouble communicating or recognizing social

cues. I do know a lady in our abuse group who is Autistic and going to therapy

to learn how to set boundaries with her husband. She often writes out what she

wants to say to her therapist because it makes her communication clearer. But

books like " Boundaries " , " Walking On Eggshells " , " I Hate You-Don't Leave Me " and

many others you can find through a search on relationship dynamics may help you

understand better. If you can participate in therapy without too much

frustration, it is really the best

and fastest route. Learning how to be assertive will change your life.

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Tuesday, March 31, 2009, 4:40 PM

I can see that, but it does make me feel good and beats just sitting down. I

love to sewing, so making curtains is a fun thing to do, plus I get to show them

off to the few people who wonder in. There was a time when we would have people

over, but it was always difficult for my husband, because he would complain

about everything, the house was never perfect, and he would order that the house

be cleaned the day before and he would become mean about it and not caring that

Kim might have home work fr school the next day! So I would run interference

between my husband and my daughter Kim. I would end up in rush of attempting to

please his demanding rampage. He would pile things in stacks up high that they

would fall on me later, and it was always this rush, life was never fun, was

always hurry up and rush, but I never did anything as good as anyone else in the

world. I would confront him about his comments and he manipulate the situation

say that I was using

him to pick on when I was the person being accused been unable to do things to

standards, then I would say I was sorry, just advoid more problems. it was a mad

no win cycle and a game to win his approval, so that I did not listen to the

emotional and mental abuse. I was called a " label reader " and because I became

involved in Girls Scouts I was referred to as " Girls Scout " . I was continually

wondering how anyone could perceive, being a Girl Scout as a negative, but

between my husband and his parents it seemed to be joke. I tolerated and I want

to say " NO " and I even would speak up, but then I would back down, because, but

I really have no idea why I was tolerant, I guess it is because it just grew to

be that way and I really do not know why it grew into that, but it did. I look

back and I wonder how, and why, and I seem to have no answers, just the

questions, but I am a strong person and I will stay strong.

Bev

>

> Bev, before I spent two years in therapy, I also spend much time cleaning,

creating, mothering, and teaching. What I realized through therapy was that I

did those things because they gave me a sense of control. I could control how

everything around me looked. However, the inside of me spiraled into depression.

As I began to emerge from my depression, I realized I could enjoy my life

without feeling driven to clean it. I don't want to make this post a book. I am

trying to provide a short synapse. But the cleaning is a symptom. Through

avoiding conflict, you in essence tell your subconscious self that your feelings

are not important enough to communicate or be heard. Instead, like a good little

girl, you clean because people will notice you then, even if they never know how

you really feel. This is a pattern you have been in for many, many years. I do

hope, as you learn how to stand up for yourself, you become less stressed with

the messes and happier

just

> smelling the flowers. ~~~Aggy

[Guest guest]

Our daughter has a bucket load, too. It actually took us 12 years to finally

find a doctor who would ask us if we had ever heard of Autism. Closing her

bedroom door is also her preferred signal to let us all know that she cannot be

approached because she is on overload. Try not to feel so guilty. We love her

for who she is, even when she is cranky. ~~~Aggy

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: RE: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009, 11:17 PM

My latest interest is in ways autism could be pathologized by a psychiatrist

or other " mental health " professional.

Could you see how this could look like agoraphobia to the uninformed MH

professional?

I have a bucket load of DXes and many of them are due to this.

Meanwhile today was awful since I had a sinus attack which completely

overwhelmed me with symptom when I was out shopping with husband who took

the worst of it. I came back and shut myself in my room so he would know I

was still dangerous (mostly to the ears as I do a not stop nagging ,

complaining or other miserable verbal thing which even I hate listening to)

.. he comes along as and knocks and I say what and he opens the door. I say

don't open the door just tell me what you need. He just dumps some items I

had wanted earlier and leaves. I just hate making both our lives miserable

when my sinuses put me on overwhelm.

I feel so guilty. Yet I did try an protect us by shutting the door which is

the agreed upon signal I m needing my own space.

And I feel there is nothing I can say to make it right. How many times can i

say I'm sorry . I sometimes thing AS should be AH for what I feel like I

behave as. 57 year of self forgiveness from a person who has problems

forgiving herself in the first place. I sam working on this but t is hard.

Somehow the ASD mind has problems with being less than perfect. I see it in

my husband and stepsons who are also on the spectrum. I feel like I am

beating up on tiny kittens when I act this way. It is so easy to hate me and

so hard to forgive. It can add up and become really acting out so easily.

The combination of being sensitive and acting out I such a BED combination

and I seldom use the word bad. I would rather be sensitive to your pain than

mine but mine makes such a fuss. It is like living with a unhappy infant on

the inside that no one but me can know is there. And yet that is me.

Oh well, < big sigh>

Thanks for listening/ reading

Nora

From: Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of sondra

Sent: Saturday, March 28, 2009 1:37 PM

To: Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com

Subject: [Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women] Re: The dark side of autism

i can't be with people and i can't not be with people. I want to connect and

i'm afraid to try to connect. Nora

Nora this is of my life much so......this is of why i to hate to have to go

outside of my home and today was of having too much things to me and caused

of me to build to meltdown state. I to finally thinked to self just turn off

the phone and so did and put it away.

I to be of having some sort of virus things this week too. much headache and

tummy issues and not sleeping but then when I to finally fall asleep it is

of early early AM and so then find self sleeping until 10 am/ I to wake with

the head ache and back aches. my tummy is not digesting things well,

bloating tummy hurts and feels sick. it comes in huge waves. But had of to

buy of grocery today and pay of some bill things for the husband and then

pick up the son about a 30 minute drive that was not on my plans but dumped

to me unknowingly to me. then the Aimee called and kept of to beg of me to

take of her out for chinese this day and I to be of told her many times no

did not have of the time and she just kept of calling thinking if she tried

of different words that it would change of my thinking to her. and then my

son mike was of again not answering the text to him of where he was at as

this is of a real issues for him and it worrys of me to not be of find of

him for a few days, he is of almost 18 and thinks he does not have to have

of kids sorts of rules, and then the brother of me is of coming to this home

this weekend to help upgrade some of the home and flooring and so we will

almost finish missyes room and build of some rabbit hutches.

but this is of a too much for me day, and is of why in the real of life ,

life outside of my office/sensory room is of too much for me. for the most

part much of my kids are of higher functioning aspergers sorts of

teens/adults. but they still struggle to problem solve, do life and be of

independent. they still need of suppports and some get of them and some do

not.

my cat sensing of my overload took the anxiety in me as somethings to fear

and attacked of me in her onry way and leaped on me and tried of to claw and

bite of me not in a painful way but her way of saying you anxiety is of

creating a fight or flight response in me too. so she reacted in the fight

mode.

then of yesterday my insurance sent of me a letter sharing for reasons I to

not understand that they were of no longer to cover of Dr. Amigo as a paid

service and this induced of instant fears and SIB and self rages from fear

of what what of happening to me. I to emailed of my Dr.Amigos office and

told of them that was of not allowed to come to see of him anymore. and what

the insurance shared and he got of a letter too and i sof going to appeal

this.

sondra

[Guest guest]

My heart goes out to you and your children. Keep working with your lawyer and

let your lawyer deal with your husband's lawyer or just deal with your husband

if he doesn't have a lawyer. The law is the law and he is obligated to help

support his children. And you are right, you will always own the assets that you

had before you were married. I'm not a lawyer, but the fact that he left the

house and has not been contributing towards household expenses may work out to

your advantage when it comes time to figure out child care arrangments and a

settlement. Be strong. Don't give him a thing at this point, no matter how much

he screams. Let your lawyer handle this and ask the court if your husband can

pay for your lawyer's bill since he clearly wants the divorce, but is also

dragging things out.

My parents went through a long, dark period like this. My father was an

alcoholic, borrowed a lot of money that he spent on drinking & then walked away

from his job. He would say all kinds of crazy, hurtful things to my mom, and my

spirit was crushed because I was a little girl and believed him when he said he

would be better off without his kids. It was much, much later I realized that

his short-term memory was gone from drinking & so he didn't really remember what

he said half the time and that he really did love his children after all.

Eventually my father went into rehab and was able to stop his drinking. He tried

to make amends, but some damage was impossible to undo.

When my Dad stopped working, my mom went back to work, but wasn't making enough

to pay the bills or feed us everyday. At first she just got crummy, minimum wage

jobs, but then she got a government job with great benefits and where she could

finally relax, make friends, travel, and have a great life. All of us kids went

to work as teenagers and so were able to lighten my Mom's load a bit, plus have

some pocket money to buy the clothes & stuff that teenagers want.

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to say that we took our daughter to Dr. Amigo for a few years.

lin County Support/Respite Services paid for her social therapy. He is a

wonderful therapist and great asset to our county. His office has some really

good legal advisers for finding resources and IEP's. Is he still doing social

groups? We are looking for a therapist to help our daughter and her B/F work on

their relationship skills for the sake of their new baby. ~~~Aggy

You can spend your life however you wish but you only get to spend it once.

Subject: RE: Re: The dark side of autism

To: Autism_in_Girls_and_Women

Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009, 11:33 PM

I know I read your letter before I responded but in reading it now I think I

actually did not comprehend one word you said in my own anxiety so let me

correct that now. ( thank you email for letting me do this since face to

face relationships would not let me

See below

From: Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com

[mailto:Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of sondra

Sent: Saturday, March 28, 2009 1:37 PM

To: Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women@ yahoogroups. com

Subject: [Autism_in_Girls_ and_Women] Re: The dark side of autism

i can't be with people and i can't not be with people. I want to connect and

i'm afraid to try to connect. Nora

Nora this is of my life much so......this is of why i to hate to have to go

outside of my home and today was of having too much things to me and caused

of me to build to meltdown state. I to finally thinked to self just turn off

the phone and so did and put it away.

Been looking at the possibility of doing that

myself. I would lose a lot but I might gain the capacity to do better in the

future.

I to be of having some sort of virus things this week too. much headache and

tummy issues and not sleeping but then when I to finally fall asleep it is

of early early AM and so then find self sleeping until 10 am/ I to wake with

the head ache and back aches. my tummy is not digesting things well,

bloating tummy hurts and feels sick. it comes in huge waves. But had of to

buy of grocery today and pay of some bill things for the husband and then

pick up the son about a 30 minute drive that was not on my plans but dumped

to me unknowingly to me. then the Aimee called and kept of to beg of me to

take of her out for chinese this day and I to be of told her many times no

did not have of the time and she just kept of calling thinking if she tried

of different words that it would change of my thinking to her. and then my

son mike was of again not answering the text to him of where he was at as

this is of a real issues for him and it worrys of me to not be of find of

him for a few days, he is of almost 18 and thinks he does not have to have

of kids sorts of rules, and then the brother of me is of coming to this home

this weekend to help upgrade some of the home and flooring and so we will

almost finish missyes room and build of some rabbit hutches.

The things that totally derail ASD from her dreams, ambitions

and desires are just day to day things I think. Yesterday a really good

thing happened and I talked to my daughter so for a while I was relaxed

until the sinus thing happened. For all moms not knowing is an issue and for

moms with any AS traits much less ASD the whole thing is too much IMHO. The

overwhelm factor again. I hope I am saying this in a way you can

understand.

but this is of a too much for me day, and is of why in the real of life ,

life outside of my office/sensory room is of too much for me. for the most

part much of my kids are of higher functioning aspergers sorts of

teens/adults. but they still struggle to problem solve, do life and be of

independent. they still need of suppports and some get of them and some do

not.

my cat sensing of my overload took the anxiety in me as somethings to fear

and attacked of me in her onry way and leaped on me and tried of to claw and

bite of me not in a painful way but her way of saying you anxiety is of

creating a fight or flight response in me too. so she reacted in the fight

mode.

I have noticed animals doing these sorts of things. Perhaps

the reason I need a dofg is he gives me an early warning system as much as

anything. Got to talk to therapist about that one.

then of yesterday my insurance sent of me a letter sharing for reasons I to

not understand that they were of no longer to cover of Dr. Amigo as a paid

service and this induced of instant fears and SIB and self rages from fear

of what what of happening to me. I to emailed of my Dr.Amigos office and

told of them that was of not allowed to come to see of him anymore. and what

the insurance shared and he got of a letter too and i sof going to appeal

this.

Obama wants to keep the current health care set up and find

ways to include more people. I think this is a mistake since profit is not a

good reason to offer service. Reason is not the right word. But if my

intention is to keep you I will try to do that. If my intention is to try

and make a living off providing you with services I will do that. Intention

has a lot to do with why it doesn't work to have HMOs who need to show a

profit in business. Successful HMO deny services. Successful medical

treatments provide services. It's not their fault, it s what they have to do

to stay in business.

Sondra

Thank you Sondra

Nora