Grateful vs. Appreciative

March 11, 2011

Hi Everyone,

I've been mulling over the idea of practising gratitude. There's always been

something that struck me the wrong way when I say " I'm grateful for X. " I think

it's because " grateful " seems tied to not being deserving of it.

As an example, supposed someone helps you out and then says " You should be

grateful that I'm helping you. " What is the person really saying? He/she is

saying that you don't DESERVE to be helped. So, when I say that I'm grateful

for having friends, family, health, or whatever, it's as if on a subconscious

level, I'm telling myself that I don't deserve these things.

Rather than say I'm grateful, I'd rather say that I appreciate what I have in my

life. I appreciate my wonderful friends and family. I appreciate my healthy

body. I appreciate that there's a great on-line group where I am

unconditionally accepted.

Maybe this is just semantics, but it feels much different when I use appreciate,

rather than grateful. I'm going to continue using appreciate and see if that

creates a shift in my beliefs.

Thanks everyone,

Yuna

March 12, 2011

First of all, Yuna, thanks for a very thought-provoking post. I haven't been

able to stop thinking about it since I read it yesterday. I even went so far as

to start searching that renowned repository of Truth--Wikipedia. LOL!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gratitude

Here are the two main conclusions I've come to. For now. :-)

First, When I think of gratitude--as in, the practice of gratitude--I think of

it as directed to a higher power. Friday night through Saturday, I generally

think of this as prayer. Weekdays, it's sometimes prayer, sometimes thoughts

directed to The Universe. The idea of " deserving " doesn't come into

play--although there is sometimes an element of humility. And an element of awe.

When I'm thinking of it that way-- " appreciation " doesn't have the same weight.

Appreciation for a fine wine is more... neutral? Time-bound?... than being

grateful for the grapes....

So for this usage, gratitude still feels like the word I want to use.

The other--well, not really conclusion, but thought I want to pursue--is that if

someone is pulling the " you'd better be grateful I'm doing this for you "

routine, well, that's a situation where I'd have a hard time feeling true

gratitude. I don't know if I'd manage to feel appreciative, either. Resentment

is more likely, actually.

Is there someone in your life who actually says this to you? If so, I can

completely understand your issues with the word " grateful " . Or, do you *feel*

like people are thinking this? In which case, I can understand your feelings

about " deserving " .

Though I must say, the times I've felt that some had better appreciate what I'm

doing, I can't remember feeling that they didn't *deserve* it. They'd just

better be aware that I'm such a wonderful, caring, self-sacrificing person that

I'll go out of my way for someone even when it's not comfortable or

convenient.... In other words, the " you'd better be grateful " is more of an ego

trip and/or martyr complex on the part of the other person, NOT a reflection on

you and whether or not you deserve the favor.

Part of this whole journey for me has been learning to say no when saying yes

will make me feel resentful, or make me feel like the other person had *better

be* grateful.... After I started getting better at that myself, I started

getting better at only requesting things from people who will tell me yes when

they mean it, and no if they don't want to. Then the whole negative weight to

gratitude/deserving isn't part of the equation.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to the word you chose to use. And

I definitely don't think it's *just* semantics. Words are more than just a

collection of letters.

________________________________

From: ylesca12 <ylesca12@...>

weightloss

Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 4:31:54 PM

Subject: Grateful vs. Appreciative