On the nature of binges....

[Guest guest]

" honestly, these

binges just are not serving me anymore.  "

This comment really stuck with me, leaving me to reflect on the nature of

binges.

One of the things I know about my own binges--the physical pain is the *desired

result*. A binge is totally different from going out with friends and eating

more fries than I planned, or (gasp) eating a full serving of dessert. It's

different from mindless grazing, just because I'm not present.

A binge is stuffing more and more food down my throat until it HURTS. *Because*

it hurts! Any food. Rice cakes. Carrots. Something picked out of the garbage, if

I didn't coat it with dish soap first. And if it's a really, really bad binge,

I'll spray on windex, too. Because after all, dish soap is washed off the

dishes, and then we eat off them, so maybe I could wash it off....

Why do this??

Because the punishment is built in. Like it's a way to punish myself for the

thoughts I ALMOST thought consciously--which I DIDN'T think consciously because

I started to eat instead. So... that's how it was serving me.

I don't do this to myself when I can obviously see what the problem is.

Yesterday, for example. It was the 4th day this week I was at the office--and

usually I work 80%, on site two days. I was tired, because for once I didn't go

to bed on time the night before. (Usually NOT something I do to myself.) We

had a Situation at work, involving a task usually covered by a co-worker who's

out of the country. I'm the only other one who can do it--but I'm not efficient

at it since it's not usually my responsibility. My husband--who has been away

for 2.5 weeks--called to tell me that his flight out of England was cancelled.

It became clear I need to work some weekend hours (at least I don't have to feel

bad about taking time away from dh!). Part of the Situation was not really my

fault--but something that maybe I could have forseen.

Not only did I not binge--I was less hungry than usual. When I did feel like

eating, I was getting very clear signals as to what I needed, as opposed to what

would taste good....

But again--I could see what the issues were, and I wasn't subconsciously trying

to block them.

I think this is why the conflict resolution download has done so much for me.

Because it goes deeper than I can go consciously--even with the podcasts. I

can't guarantee it'll work that well for everyone. But for me it was a totally

worthwhile investment.

You probably noticed-- I'm not yet ready to say that my last binge--March 11,

btw--was THE last binge. I do know that I've felt swarming emotions since then,

and was able to stop myself. Sometimes by listening to a podcast, sometimes by

physically moving to a room far from the kitchen, sometimes by being present IN

the feeling. Sometimes as a last resort, I treat the symptoms and resort to gum.

And make sure that later I do something renewing....

I also don't know if I need to define it as The Last Binge. Or to declare it

will never happen again. Or wonder if it stopped. Instead, I'm going to shift to

reflecting on the way I felt over the last few weeks--energetic. Content with

where I am, even when things around me are less than optimal. Amazed at some of

the things I've accomplished when I shifted the power of that subconscious storm

into doing things in the present....

Thanks for letting me release this!